by S. B. Hayes
DON’T LOOK BACK
First published in Great Britain in 2013 by Quercus
55 Baker Street
7th Floor, South Block
London W1U 8EW
Copyright © S.B. Hayes, 2013
The moral right of S.B. Hayes to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
A CIP catalogue reference for this book is available from the British Library
eBook ISBN 978 0 85738 682 3
Print ISBN 978 0 85738 681 6
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places and events are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
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Also by S.B. Hayes
POISON HEART
For Karen Bond –
there could never have been enough time with you
Prologue
‘One, two, three, four … come on, Sinead, I’m not far away.’
‘But I can’t see you, Patrick.’
‘Five, six, seven, eight … follow my footsteps, it isn’t difficult.’
The wind is whispering through the treetops like hundreds of voices telling me their secrets. I arch my neck and see night clouds creeping in. The trees are tall and tightly spaced, which makes me confused and dizzy. ‘Patrick, it’s getting dark and I’m frightened. I don’t want to play this game any more –’
‘Don’t be a scaredy-cat. You’re almost there … Just a few more steps.’
The wind whips my hair into my eyes and blinds me. Clumsily I shuffle forward, trying to follow his voice, but it’s eaten up by the roar of panic in my ears. The ground is soft and muddy. It imprisons my foot and sends me tumbling into the undergrowth. Solid ground ends and I’m sliding down a sheer bank of wild grass, shrubs and stones. Somehow I manage to dig in my heels and slow my descent. I grasp a tree growing at an angle to the steep verge. It shakes and dips, its branches vibrating with the weight of my terror. My heart beats so loudly and so fast that I can’t catch my breath. I look down and see absolutely nothing; the blackness is densely terrifying. I want to reach out and tear at its fabric to find a crack of light. My foot slips and the slender tree bends even more. I hear a snapping sound and I scream for my brother to help. He’s taller and stronger than me, as sure-footed as a mountain goat. And he’s so brave, completely without fear. He reaches me in seconds. I clasp my arms around his neck and he drags me back to safety. Blood is trickling from my head, and my arms and legs are covered in scratches, but I barely notice.
‘Your stupid clues, Patrick,’ I scold. ‘I almost fell to the bottom, and I can’t see how deep it is.’
‘It’s fathomless,’ he tells me.
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means it doesn’t end and you’d keep falling forever.’
I want to peer over the edge again but I can’t in case the blackness swallows me up. ‘What’s down there?’
‘Can’t you guess?’
I shake my head.
His lips curve at the corners. ‘Remember the story Mum told us about the pit? It’s where you go when your soul is black and you never, ever get to come out.’
I can feel butterflies everywhere, even in my throat. ‘Thank you for saving me,’ I choke out.
Patrick bends down to kiss away my tears and his voice is full of a strange joy that I’ve never heard before. ‘I’ll always be here for you, Sinead, you know that, but you must never stop trying to find me.’
‘Why? Where are you going?’
Patrick grasps my hand in his. ‘When we play our game together, silly. You’ll always follow my footsteps, won’t you?’
‘Suppose.’
His grip on me tightens and his nails dig into my cut palm, which makes my eyes water. ‘This is important, Sinead. You have to promise.’
I nod gravely. ‘I promise, Patrick.’
He takes hold of one of my fingers and draws two lines across my chest. His eyes are vibrantly blue, just like the sky before it thunders. When I look into them they make me feel as if I’m falling all over again.
‘Now swear, Sinead, swear a solemn oath.’
‘I won’t go back on my promise, Patrick,’ I answer obediently. ‘Cross my heart and hope to die.’
One
We were in the middle of a July heatwave, the atmosphere fizzing and crackling, charged like it is before a storm. I could tell something was wrong as soon as I stepped through my front door. My mother’s eyes were red-rimmed, the whites webbed with tiny red capillaries. It looked as if she’d been crying all day.
‘Patrick still hasn’t been in touch. It’s over two weeks.’
My bag thudded on to the wooden floor. ‘He’s done this before,’ I pointed out. ‘Why are you so worried this time?’
She clamped one hand across her heart. ‘Something’s wrong, Sinead. I feel it here.’
‘I’m sure he’ll be OK, Mum.’
My complacency seemed to infuriate her. ‘You of all people understand his … condition, how vulnerable he is.’
I chewed my lip in frustration. I’d been expected to look after Patrick since I could walk, even though he was three years older than me. It had always been this way. Patrick’s problems were my problems. And the ‘condition’ my mother coyly referred to was a toxic mix of addiction, depression and frequent threats to self-harm. I was used to picking up the pieces of his shattered life.
My mother squeezed out more tears, her hands fluttering around her throat like a dazed bird. ‘I really think you should go to his flat.’
There was no point suggesting she should go herself. As usual it was down to me. Resentfully I looked at my watch. ‘But I don’t have time now. I’ve arranged to meet Harry.’
‘Don’t have time, Sinead? How often have I heard that excuse from you? You need to get a grip on your irrational obsession and think about your brother’s welfare.’
It isn’t irrational. Time is so precious. Am I the only one who can feel it slipping away from me? Every heartbeat is another second passing, and it’s like a drum beating, recording every moment in your life … especially the wasted ones.
I faced her squarely. ‘You know why I’m like this. It’s not something I can help.’
She cut the air with one hand, her voice mockingly sing-song. ‘You had an asthma attack when you were a child and thought you were dying.’ She shook her head at me. ‘Must you bring everything back to yourself? Patrick is my main concern. Now, will you go to his flat?’
My mother seemed to bring out the worst in me and sometimes I took a perverse pleasure in frustrating her. ‘I’ll go tomorrow.’
She paused and tried another tactic, her tone now softly wheedling. ‘You’re so strong, Sinead. Patrick isn’t like you. He needs me so much more, and I must do everything I can to protect him. The bond between a mother and a child is sacred.’
What about our bond? And you’ve never given me the chance to need you. Patrick has always consumed all your love and attention. Since Dad left, I’m invisible.
To escape the intensity of my mother’s gaze my eyes took in the new decor. The room had recently been repainted, a subtle shade of primrose, and a new beige carpet fitted, but it still felt cold and unlived-in.
‘Patrick is highly sensitive and i
ntelligent,’ my mother went on. ‘He lives on a knife edge.’ I still didn’t reply and she played her winning card. ‘You promised to always look out for him, Sinead.’
I nodded reluctantly in agreement. My mother knew how to make me feel guilty, and deep down I was worried about Patrick. I quickly changed into sweats and grabbed my bike, taking the quickest route, which was through the town, trying to avoid buses belching black smoke, the outsize wing mirrors of white vans and drivers in high-performance cars who thought they owned the road. It was late afternoon, the humidity still increasing, and the city felt ready to erupt. Soon I was short of breath and my chest felt tight, a leftover from my childhood asthma. It always got worse around Patrick, as if his very presence suffocated me. By the time I reached his flat, my clothes and hair were wet and stuck to my skin, rank with the smell of traffic fumes.
Patrick didn’t buzz me in when I repeatedly rang his bell, although someone had noticed I was here because a pair of green striped curtains in a ground-floor window twitched. There was a single entry code for all the occupants, which wasn’t exactly the greatest security device, but at least it deterred people from walking in off the street. I punched it in and rested my bike against the half-panelled wall in the hallway before walking up a winding flight of wooden stairs. The building used to be some sort of chapel, and it still had one of the tallest spires around and a musty smell of yellowing prayer books, polished floors and candle wax.
Patrick’s flat was at the top of the building and included the bell and clock tower, but the landlord was insistent that they were both off limits. When I reached the top stair I remembered our last conversation. Patrick had told me that the sound of ringing seemed to reverberate in his head, although the bells had been silent for years. He hadn’t mentioned the clock, but I knew the hands had been stuck on six for ages. If I lived here I would have found a way to get it working again, glad to hear it chime every fifteen minutes to remind me how quickly time was passing.
I thumped on his door with both fists, painfully aware that I was thinking the worst. A feeling in my stomach told me that something was badly amiss and that this time Patrick might have carried out one of his dark promises.
‘You’ll all be sorry one day. Sorry you didn’t listen to me, that you didn’t understand me or love me more … I won’t be around much longer. That will teach everyone a lesson … especially you, Sinead.’
The door was made of sturdy oak with a Gothic arch mellowed with age, the grain prominent in blackish whorls and knots. My ear rested against the warm wood for at least five minutes, trying to pluck up the courage to enter. I wasn’t naive. My father was a doctor and had never protected me from the realities of his profession, which seemed like a curse just now. But there was no going back. With trembling hands I inserted the spare key into the lock. One small turn, a twist of the door handle and I hesitantly entered, clumsily moving forward, all my senses working overtime. There were no strange smells or unusual sounds; in fact the silence was eerie. I couldn’t even hear any street noise floating upward. My eyes quickly scanned the living room as I moved into the bedroom, lifting the duvet with the toe of my trainer in case anything was lurking underneath.
No matter how hard I tried to block it out, my mind conjured up the horrors I was expecting to see – a red tinge stained my vision as if I’d recently peered at the sun. Terror, apprehension, guilt – whatever Patrick had done this time, some of the blame had to be mine. I’d heard my mother say so often that we’d failed him, all of us. I approached the bathroom; time stood still and my heart thumped like crazy. Inch by inch, I moved to look around the door as if limiting my vision would somehow shield me from whatever was there. But the reality was simply plain white tiles with an electric blue border. The shower cubicle was completely dry, not a droplet of condensation remaining, which told me it hadn’t been used recently. The kitchen was the same except for one tantalizingly slow drip from the mixer tap.
With a huge sigh of relief I sat on the sofa and tried to swallow, my lips so dry that they stuck together. Now I could get angry.
You are completely selfish, Patrick, without a thought for anyone but yourself. Everything revolves around you. I feel like your prisoner. You make me so furious I just want to explode.
I took a moment to cool down and calm my pounding heart, unable to stop myself from reflecting how different things might have been without the spectre of Patrick hanging over us. My parents might still be together instead of torn apart by years of arguing over their wayward son’s behaviour. I didn’t blame Dad for leaving. Whenever he’d suggested getting tough with Patrick, Mum had stopped him. Patrick needed love, she would insist, nothing else. Four years ago, when I was twelve, Dad had accepted a medical posting overseas, working for an aid organization, and since then I didn’t get to see him often. Patrick had robbed me of so much, but there was no use feeling sorry for myself. I’d always looked out for him, and as long as he needed me I couldn’t abandon him.
I stood and rotated my neck, trying to release some of the tension. It was then I noticed what was weird about the room, so weird that I stood up and turned three hundred and sixty degrees to absorb every detail. It only took a minute for me to realize that I had to tell someone. Now.
Two
‘Slow down,’ Harry said, ‘take deep breaths and tell me what’s happened.’
I blew out noisily, trying not to pant. ‘Patrick hasn’t been in contact for over two weeks. I went to his flat and found it’s been totally cleaned. It’s freakishly spotless.’
Harry shrugged. ‘So he’s turned over a new leaf and decided not to live like a slob any more.’
I shook my head doubtfully. ‘You know Patrick – his space reflects his personality: chaotic and out of control. I think something’s very wrong, and so does Mum.’
Harry pursed his lips. ‘Why didn’t your mum go herself? It wasn’t fair to send you alone.’
My eyes widened. ‘You don’t understand, Harry. It’s what I’m expected to do, what I need to do.’
I’d asked Harry to meet me at our local police station and he pulled me on to the wall outside. I looked affectionately at his shaggy hair, scruffy T-shirt and ripped jeans; Harry never gave his appearance a thought. He was my best friend, but I’d always tried to spare him the mess that was Patrick’s life. I smoothed the creases from my forehead with my fingers, my eyes squinting in the low sun.
‘You’ve never really explained this thing between you two, Sinead. Why this huge sense of duty?’
‘He’s my brother, Harry … Isn’t that enough?’
Harry’s silence spoke volumes. He always knew when I was holding out on him. I stared into his soft blue eyes wondering why someone as easy-going and well adjusted as him would bother with someone like me. We were both science nuts, only one school year separating us, and he’d made it more than plain he would have liked me to be his girlfriend, but I didn’t feel that way about him. I never seemed to have the time to think about relationships.
‘OK, there is something else,’ I said, sighing. ‘Patrick used to play this game with me when we were younger; “Following Patrick’s Footsteps”, he called it. He made me promise that whenever he went, I’d always come looking for him.’
Harry looked grave. ‘I worry about you, Sinead. You’re so manic and … angry. Don’t you ever feel it’s time to let go of Patrick, and stop running from everyone?’
I ignored the last part. ‘Of course I’d like to be free of Patrick … and not be so constantly wound up … but family stuff’s complicated.’
‘Help me to understand,’ Harry urged.
I stared into the distance at a group of children having fun spraying each other with water and shrieking with laughter. ‘The thing is … I feel responsible in a way. Everything changed when I was born. Patrick’s jealousy got out of hand.’
‘Sibling rivalry is … kind of normal.’
‘Not like this,’ I came back fiercely. ‘Patrick was so jealous it wasn’
t safe to leave us alone together. Mum really feared for my safety until … she devised a way to pacify him.’
‘What was it?’
I swallowed with difficulty because I’d never told this to anyone before, but I had a compulsion to finally make Harry understand what it had been like living with Patrick.
‘I had to stay completely covered with a blanket. If no one saw me or paid me any attention, then he didn’t mind. I’m not sure how long it went on for, but Mum told me when I was older as if it was funny or endearing.’
Harry grimaced. ‘That’s bizarre.’
I raked my fingers through my short hair. ‘I don’t know why Mum had another child – she’s spent the last sixteen years trying to make up to Patrick for it.’
Harry put a hand over mine, his voice suddenly gentle. ‘You should have told me more before. I knew things weren’t good at home …’ He trailed off and then kind of shook himself. ‘I’ll help you find Patrick. This could be his wake-up call … and a chance for you to escape and get your life back.’
It’s too late, I wanted to say. The damage was done a long time ago and I can’t ever go back. I can’t even remember my life before Patrick’s problems consumed me.
I stood, flexing my hands. Before we set foot in the police station Harry gave me his usual pep talk.
‘Don’t lose your temper, Sinead. It will only backfire.’
I smiled at him. He was always trying to keep me in check, although he wasn’t often successful. The automatic doors opened and I went in first. The police officer behind the glass screen was obviously practised in intimidation. He listened to my story about Patrick with a dead-eye stare that was crushing and antagonistic at the same time.
‘So, let me get this straight,’ he said. ‘You want to report your brother missing because his flat has been mysteriously tidied?’
‘No, of course not,’ I answered. ‘That’s just one of the strange things. It’s the fact he’s been missing for over two weeks that concerns me the most –’