The Choices I've Made

by J. L. Berg

  Oh God, what had I done?

  What had I been thinking?

  I hadn’t. That was the problem.

  By the time I pulled into my driveway, I’d convinced myself that Jake and I together was the dumbest idea on the planet. In fact, me being with anyone was just plain stupid. I didn’t have time for a life. This inn was all I could focus on. It was my life.

  The only thing that mattered.

  Walking in the back door, I rushed into the kitchen, only to find the house filled with laughter and the smell of freshly baked pastries and bacon.

  What the hell?

  There, in the middle of everything, I found my parents manning the morning rush, chatting up guests and serving cups of coffee.

  My dad waved happily in my direction.

  “Hi, honey!” my mom said cheerfully.

  I stood there, stunned.

  I couldn’t decide if I was relieved or pissed. Happy or embarrassed.

  My mom obviously saw the conflict in my face. Setting the coffee pot on the counter, she came to my side, placing a warm arm around me, and guided me into the living room.

  “How did you—I mean, what is this?”

  She sat me down on the sofa, sitting in the seat next to me.

  “Terri called us last night, said you had come to visit her and ended up having dinner with Jake.”

  My face heated up once more.

  “Oh, honey, don’t get embarrassed. You’re a thirty-year-old woman. I don’t expect you to be a nun. And, honestly, what did you expect when that boy showed back up in town?”

  “So, you’re covering me because you figured I’d be out late on a booty call?”

  Her head shook back and forth as she made a sour face. “I don’t like that phrase. You and I both know this was bound to happen. Why do you think Dean stepped aside? This is just you listening to your heart, like I told you to do.”

  I sat back on the sofa, feeling emotional and tired. “Is it? Because, right now, I feel like a total failure.”

  Her hand touched mine. “You’re not a failure, sweetheart. You’re just in love. Just let it happen. You two have been running for so long. It breaks my heart.”

  “What if we still are?” I asked.

  “Then, make sure it’s at least in the same direction,” she replied, patting my knee the way only a mother could.

  I watched as she reached up behind her neck, pulling a silver chain from under her blouse.

  “What’s that?” I asked, not recognizing the dainty necklace.

  She undid the clasp and held it out in her hand. There, encased in silver, I saw a tiny charm, black and white. I immediately recognized it.

  Yin and yang.

  “I picked this up years ago, before you and Millie were born. Before your father and I took over the inn from Nanny and Pop Pop. At the time, it was just a cute little trinket your father thought looked nice on me and wasn’t worth much. Still isn’t. But I held on to it. Over the years, I’ve found myself going back to it when I need a little breather. I’m sure you know the meaning behind this symbol.”

  “Balance?” I guessed, looking down at the way the white side held a small circle of black the same way the black side held a tiny ring of white.

  “Right.” She nodded. “You don’t see it now because this place is your entire life, but someday, maybe someday soon, you’re going to need to find a way to have balance. Maybe that starts with Jake. Maybe it’s learning you don’t have to do everything yourself, and it’s okay to ask for help.”

  She gave me a hard stare, making me laugh.

  “Today isn’t a failure, Molly. It’s just a lesson in balance. Know when you need help because we’re here for you. It’s okay to have a life outside of this house. In fact, it’s encouraged. We did. Your grandparents certainly did. It’s what makes this place a home rather than just a business. It needs warmth, and only you can give it that.”

  I nodded as she placed the necklace in my hand, closing my fingers over the cold metal, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I understood where she was going. I really did.

  But what would happen when Jake got bored of the slow-paced life of Ocracoke and wanted to go back to Chicago?

  How would balance fit into that equation?

  Jake and I loved each other. That much was certain.

  But had our second chance already passed us by?

  If he wouldn’t stay and I wouldn’t go, where did that leave us?

  Back at ground zero, ready to implode.

  Thankfully, the rest of the day went along without incident. Guests checked in and out, happy and content, while I ran around, doing my usual chores after shooing Mom and Dad back into retirement.

  Although I’d been highly embarrassed, especially at the idea of my parents knowing where I’d been all night, I did appreciate their help.

  I’d have been ruined without their intervention, and my mom did have a point.

  If Jake was going to be in my life, I did need to work on finding balance.

  And a way to keep him here.

  Like he’d said, he’d grown up here, lived in this gorgeous little town for eighteen years. Surely, he could learn to love it again.

  He loved me after all.

  Didn’t he?

  These thoughts had been racing through my mind all afternoon. After Terri’s warning last night, I was terrified over the possibility of watching him leave again, so now, I was determined to make him stay.

  But how?

  Take him on a picturesque tour of the island like some visitor from out of town?

  Rattle off stories about pirates and long-ago settlers?

  He knew all of that.

  Flopping down on the sofa in the living room after making the beds for the day, I was out of answers. For now, I’d just have to take a leap of faith.

  Jake was back in my life. Everything else was just details.

  Around mid-afternoon, after giving directions to the lighthouse to an adorable couple visiting from Maine, my phone buzzed in my pocket. Watching them walk out the door, hand in hand, I pulled out my phone, instantly recognizing the number.

  Jake and I had exchanged phone numbers when he first came to town and showed up at my door, drunk and alone. It had been part of the deal for him staying here in case I needed to kick him out to make room for a real guest.

  Although I’d never had to use the number, I’d memorized it, staring at the foreign area code on the slip of paper with his familiar handwriting. It had somehow cemented in my mind the fact that he’d really been gone.

  I hadn’t imagined it.

  Pulling up the text message, I found myself smiling like a lovesick fool.

  Jake: Not sure this will go through. Do Cokers have cell phones? Or Wi-Fi? Or are y’all still stuck in the Stone Age?

  Shaking my head, I replied immediately, loving that he still remembered the slang term for a local here.

  Molly: Of course we do. We’re not heathens. We had to modernize for all those pesky mainlanders and their selfie addictions.

  Jake: Don’t knock the selfie. Everyone does it.

  I laughed out loud, trying to picture Jake posing in front of his phone with his rugged good looks and piercing blue eyes. Ridiculous.

  Although the idea of having said picture made my stomach flutter.

  Molly: Nope. Not me. Too cliché.

  Jake: Liar. Take one for me. Right now.

  Molly: What? Why?

  Jake: Let’s just say, I’ve forgotten what you look like.

  Molly: I’m rolling my eyes right now.

  Jake: Okay, you caught me. I need a picture for my spank bank.

  Molly: JAKE!

  Jake: Picture, Molly. Now. Make it a sexy one. I need something to get me through the rest of the day.

  My face was in flames as I looked around the room. I felt embarrassed, excited, and erotic, all at the same time. I’d seen plenty of girls around town posing for such pictures. They’d play with their hair, make funny face
s. Over and over, they’d go on like this in front of their phones until they took the perfect photo. I thought photos were about capturing a moment in time.

  There was something about selfies that always felt so fake and contrived.

  But sitting here, knowing Jake was waiting for a photo of me, I felt empowered and sexy.

  Listening for any creaks or footsteps up above, I quickly turned my phone to photo mode, flipping the camera toward me.

  I pushed around my hair, forming a deep part to one side. Tugging on my shirt, I made sure the angle of the camera caught just the right amount of cleavage. And, for the finishing touch, I angled my body and turned my head so that my collarbone and neck looked graceful and elegant.

  Click.

  I took several, slightly changing the angles as I went.

  It turned out to be more fun than I’d anticipated. I had a newfound respect for the tourists and their selfies. Although it felt a bit phony, it was still a moment in time.

  And it did make me feel beautiful.

  Relaxing back into the sofa, I took a look at my photos, feeling like the Ansel Adams of selfies as I chose my favorite. Not bothering with editing, I sent it to Jake, feeling an equal mixture of nervousness and trepidation.

  Less than a minute later, my phone buzzed.

  Jake: If I didn’t have a million more patients to see today, I’d be over there so fast. Goddamn, you’re sexy.

  I smiled, feeling like a giddy teenager again.

  Molly: So, where’s mine? Tit for tat, remember? Also, shouldn’t you be working?

  Jake: Did you say tit?

  Molly: Jake! Focus! I want my picture!

  Jake: Okay, okay. Give me a few minutes. Need to primp. Also, I am working. Multitasking.

  I had no idea what a few minutes in Jake’s world meant, so I decided not to waste it, and I got up to take care of a few things around the house. I still had one reservation that hadn’t arrived, and I needed to add a few things to their room.

  Taking the stairs up to the third floor, I unlocked the door to the suite and double-checked the bathroom to ensure it had an ample number of towels and toiletries. I made sure the bed was crisp and made properly, and because I knew the couple was celebrating an anniversary, I placed a single rose between the pillows on the bed.

  Feeling accomplished, I headed back downstairs to the sound of the doorbell.

  Just in time.

  Putting my best hostess face on, I pulled the door open and greeted the happy couple. They’d flown into Virginia Beach from Oregon and already spent a week in the Outer Banks.

  “This is our first time in Ocracoke,” the wife explained. “It’s so quaint. I feel as if we’ve stepped back in time.”

  “Yes, we’re definitely remote,” I said. Remembering Jake’s flippant comment about Cokers living in the Stone Age, I said, “But don’t worry; we still have Wi-Fi and cell service.”

  “Oh, good,” the husband said. “Wouldn’t want to be out of touch from work.”

  I noticed a slight annoyance flash across the wife’s face, but it disappeared quickly. I’d learned to ignore these types of things, and I rolled right into my introduction. Walking them into the parlor, I showed them where they could find board games and the only TV in the house.

  “I don’t think we’re going to be watching much TV,” the wife said, grabbing her husband’s hand.

  He took one last longing look at the TV before we moved on.

  “Breakfast is served family-style in the kitchen. I make everything from scratch daily. I also put out afternoon snacks and drinks if you happen to be around. Special arrangements can be made for dinner as well.”

  “Wow. And you do it all by yourself?” the husband asked, his brow arching over his dark-rimmed glasses.

  I nodded. “Just me,” I said. “Would you like to see the grounds before I take you upstairs?”

  “Yes, that would be lovely.”

  I turned toward the door just as my phone buzzed in my hand.

  I’d completely forgotten I still had it.

  Remembering why, I tried to discreetly take a look. I held the phone down low, my thumb on the round button to unlock it. Jake’s text came right up.

  Oh, dear Lord.

  He’d sent me a selfie all right.

  A naked one.

  My face instantly went beet red as I tried to remember how to work my fingers the right way.

  How did I close this thing?

  “Are we going outside?” the wife asked.

  I realized just how long I’d been standing at the kitchen door.

  “Yep!” I said a little too enthusiastically. “Just checking a reservation email that came in. Sorry. Sometimes, I have to multitask. My apologies.”

  Lies. So many lies falling from my lips.

  My hands shook. My mouth was filling with drool.

  Good God, that man was hot.

  Focus, Molly!

  Close. Must close phone.

  This was simple. There was a button for this. Upper right side. I just needed to slide my hand up and—

  The phone clattered to the floor.

  Face up.

  We all looked down and saw Jake’s penis staring up at us.

  The wife gasped.

  The husband laughed.

  I died.

  The end.

  Jake hadn’t stopped laughing since we sat down for dinner.

  I’d been glowering at him ever since.

  “It’s really not that funny,” I said.

  “No, it really is. You’ll realize that once you have a drink or two.” He pushed the menu toward me, pointing at the red wine selection.

  “How are you okay with this? It was your dick on display. You’re not the least bit embarrassed?”

  He shook his head, leaning back in the seat, the full embodiment of relaxation.

  “Nope,” he answered. “I’ve got nothing to be ashamed about. Pretty proud of that particular part of my body. Go ahead and roll your eyes.”

  I did.

  “So, how come you chose this restaurant? You didn’t seem to be a fan the other night when you dragged Millie and me out of here.” I asked, settling back in my chair as I enjoyed the scenic view.

  It was a tad warmer today, as summer was getting closer. I could feel the humidity mounting making me both happy for the prospect of a full house of guests and not so happy over the three long months of never ending sweat.

  “I have nothing against this restaurant,” he said. “I just have problems with you being here with other guys.”

  Billy came and took our drink orders, giving us a friendly hello.

  It had only been a handful of days since that night I epically failed at sabotaging my life. My sister had always been the crazy one. The one who danced on bar tops and slept with strangers. I’d always been more suited for the quieter life.

  Maybe that was why I never left home.

  “So, besides showing everyone my dick, how was your day?” Jake asked, a devilish grin plastered across his face. There were several days’ worth of stubble along his chin and jaw. He’d in fact found his long lost Green Day shirt and was proudly wearing it, reminding me of the boy I’d once known. The one who used to hold my hand between classes and kiss me good night.

  “I did not show it to everyone!” I laughed. “And, thankfully, they were pretty gracious about it after I explained you were my boyfriend and it wasn’t some run-of-the-mill Internet porn. The husband waved it off, saying they’d done the same when they were dating. The wife nodded although she looked kind of sad.”

  “Sad?” he asked.

  “I think it had to do with the past tense he’d used. As in it was something they had done.”

  Jake nodded. “But don’t anymore. That is sad. There should always be room for dick pics in a relationship.”

  I laughed once again. “Do you ever take anything seriously?”

  He smiled as Billy brought us our drinks. A pinot noir for me and a beer for him.<
br />
  “Of course I do. I’m just in a good mood today. Can’t remember why though.” Leaning forward, he grabbed ahold of his beer and gave me a wink.

  I couldn’t help but smile back. I liked this side of Jake. The levity. The casual happiness. The sexy texts. Everything had been so moody and emotional since he arrived, and it was like a whole new world, sitting across the table from him tonight.

  No discussions about the future or what any of this meant.

  Just him and me and a view to die for.

  So, of course, it all had to come crashing down.

  I immediately noticed when Jake tensed. His laid-back posture vanished as he sat upright in his seat. His eyes narrowed, glaring toward the entrance of the patio.

  I turned my head and found the source.

  Macon Green.

  Didn’t that man know there were other restaurants to bother?

  Dressed plainly tonight in jeans and a loose-fitting plaid shirt, he still carried all the swagger and dominance of his station.

  Ever since we were kids, he’d wanted to make something of himself.

  Something powerful.

  He’d found it in the police force and continually abused his authority on locals and tourists equally. Surrounded by a few of his buddies, the group took a table close by, seeing Jake and me from across the deck.

  Please don’t come over, I chanted silently to myself.

  I looked up at Jake, who was deadlocked in some sort of testosterone-fueled eye war with Macon.

  Great.

  They’d never been the best of friends in high school, but they had always managed to stay away from each other. Mostly due to my urging. Jake had had so much going for him. I hadn’t wanted to see him throw it all away over a petty fight with the town bully.

  The same could be said now.

  My focus shifted from Jake to Macon. A sly Cheshire cat grin spread across his face as he saw me staring. He rose from the table and sauntered our way.

  My heart beat wildly. I wasn’t sure why.

  Surely, we were all adults now.

  This mini feud between them had to be done and over. Right?

  “Evening,” he greeted, tipping an imaginary hat on his head.

  I said a polite, “Hello,” back, noticing Jake did nothing of the sort.

  He just stared at Macon, his body still tense like a live wire.