by Anna Bell
‘Ah,’ he says. ‘Figures.’
‘So . . .’
I can’t believe he’s leaving me hanging.
‘I didn’t know how to bring it up.’
‘Right, so when we were in the pub talking about your trip to the B&B, or when she phoned when we were in Paris, neither of those were good opportunities to mention it?’
‘It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you. In fact, it’s the opposite.’
I’m about to ask him what he means, when I see Joseph walking into the pub with Marcus.
‘Joseph,’ I say.
‘Exactly,’ says Ben.
‘What?’ I look up at Ben, confused. He’s got his back to the door and he can’t possibly have seen him walk in.
‘Nothing,’ he says, sighing.
‘Joseph’s here,’ I say, staring in disbelief.
Ben looks round.
‘Which one is he?’
‘The one with the waves in his hair.’
Ben nods. ‘Aren’t you going to go over and see him?’
Joseph gets to the bar and turns round and we immediately lock eyes. He smiles, before walking towards me. He taps Marcus on the arm and mutters something to him as he passes.
My knees are starting to buckle and I wish I could grab onto Ben to steady myself, but he’s walked away, leaving me alone and unsupported.
‘Abi,’ says Joseph, bending down and kissing me on both cheeks. I’m motionless and let him, too scared to move. As his lips brush my cheeks I feel my whole body tingle.
‘Hi, Joseph. I wouldn’t have expected to see you here.’
It’s not his kind of pub. It’s got real personality, with its shabby-chic interior and homely feel. It’s far from the shiny floorboards and bright spotlights that the bars he usually goes to have.
‘I’ll come clean with you. I came to see you.’
‘How did you know I’d be here?’
Unlike him, my movements aren’t so habitual.
‘Sian tagged you on Facebook as being here and Marcus and I were in Southsea drinking and we thought we’d pop by.’
Ah, Facebook, the twenty-first-century stalker’s tool.
I manage to smile at him. I can’t believe he’s here.
‘I hope you don’t mind me coming. Your new boyfriend wouldn’t mind?’
Joseph is nodding his head towards Ben who’s talking to Sian and Pete. I think my ears should be burning because from the not-so-subtle glances in my direction I can tell me talking to Joseph is the topic of conversation.
‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ I say. ‘He’s just a friend.’
‘A friend you went to Paris with.’
‘Yep, just a friend,’ I repeat.
So he was jealous.
‘That’s a relief to hear.’
I search his hypnotic eyes, trying to work out how he feels. Has my list worked? Is he here to get back together with me?
I feel my mind spinning out of control. I no longer know what I think. I would have thought that seeing him would have made me really happy, but the truth is it’s just adding to the confusion. I can’t work out why I’m so mad at Ben about keeping the secret about his break-up with Tammy. But seeing Joseph in front of me, my feelings for him come flooding back and the hope that I’ve clung on to since our break-up is still there.
I look over Joseph’s shoulder and see Ben putting on his jacket. He’s saying goodbye to the rest of our table and before I can catch his eye he’s gone.
‘Abi,’ says Joseph. ‘I think we should talk.’
My eyes flick between him and Ben, and I’m torn.
The last time Joseph said those words to me I knew exactly what was coming, and this time I sense he’s about to say the opposite. Up until now I’ve wanted nothing more than to have that conversation, but something’s stopping me.
I desperately want to go after Ben, to see what’s happened and why he’s leaving so suddenly.
‘I feel like there’s so much I want to say to you, Abi,’ says Joseph, snapping my attention away from the door.
I look back into Joseph’s eyes and I’m sucked into them. It’s almost like I can see our relationship played back in them. The nights I spent tracing shapes on his chest when we lay in bed, our country-pub Sunday lunches, the times we sipped wine in the intervals at the theatre. So many times I found myself lost in those eyes – they’re almost hypnotic.
‘I want to explain why I broke up with you, and how I’ve started to regret my decision. I want to know if there’s any hope of us getting back together.’
I feel like I’m out of my trance but realise that it’s too late to go after Ben. He’ll be on his bike and will probably have pedalled halfway home.
I try to focus on what Joseph’s just said. Did he really want to know if there was a chance we could get back together?
‘Am I wasting my time? Do you want to hear what I’ve got to say?’
‘I do,’ I say, nodding. Isn’t this, after all, what I’ve been working towards with the list?
‘Ah, Abi,’ he says grabbing my hands. ‘That’s what I needed to hear.’
Chapter Twenty-Four
Joseph’s come back with a week to spare . . .
Sian’s been giving me evil looks for the past half an hour, and although I don’t want to hear what she has to say, I know I can’t avoid her for ever.
I know instinctively that she’s not going to approve.
‘I’m just going to go and speak to Sian,’ I say to Joseph and Marcus.
I still can’t believe that they’re here. It’s all too much to take in – my plan seems to have worked and Joseph wants me back. I’m still waiting to talk to him properly, but it’s awkward with my friends and Marcus here.
‘OK,’ says Joseph.
He’s looking at me with his puppy-dog eyes like he used to when we first started dating. The same eyes that made me fall in love with him.
As I approach Sian, Pete wisely goes to stand with Giles. I’d go and stand with him too if I thought I could get away with it.
‘Well, go on then,’ I say, sinking down into the seat next to Sian.
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she says, her lips pursed. She folds her fingers back to look at her nails.
‘About Joseph.’
‘So I take it you’re getting back together with him?’ she says, still not looking at me.
‘Well, we haven’t really talked about it properly, but he’s hinted that he thinks he’s made a mistake. So it looks likely.’
‘Right, and he just figured that out. After three months?’
‘I guess sometimes people need time to realise how they really feel.’
Sian laughs hollowly. ‘Are you sure he didn’t just see the photos of you and Ben in Paris and get jealous?’
‘I don’t think so,’ I say, thinking back to when I’d seen him at the supermarket. It felt like there was something he’d wanted to say then too.
‘So why hasn’t he said anything to you before? He could have gone round to your flat at any point in the last three months, but instead he waited until now. He let you go through all that heartache and misery for nothing.’
I shrug, I don’t want to think about that.
‘Can’t you just be happy for me? This is what I want.’
‘Is it really? What about Ben?’
‘What about him? Where did he go anyway?’
‘Where do you think? God, Abi, for someone so smart you can sometimes be so bloody stupid.’
She’s folded her arms and is starting to raise her voice.
I look round the pub self-consciously and see that all our friends are looking at us. I suddenly wish I hadn’t talked to Sian here. I should have waited until we were somewhere more private.
‘So, Ben left because Joseph arrived?’
‘Of course he did. Can’t you see how much he likes you?’
‘No,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘He broke up with his girlfriend two weeks ago and didn’
t bother to tell me. If he really liked me surely I’d have been the first person to know.’
She rolls her eyes at me.
‘Abi . . .’
‘What?’ I wish she’d just spell out whatever it is she wants to say. She clearly thinks it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but I don’t get it.
‘He probably didn’t tell you because he was scared you didn’t feel the same way.’
‘But I’m sure he doesn’t have feelings for me,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘It doesn’t make sense because he’s been helping me with the list. I mean, why would he do that when he knew I was doing it to get Joseph back.’
I’m trying to unravel what’s been going on, before I realise what I’ve just said.
Sian’s eyes widen and if her face looked like thunder before, then now it looks like it’s a full-blown tropical storm.
‘What do you mean the list was to get Joseph back? How would it get him back?’
Her eyes are glowing in a way that reminds me of the Demon Headmaster in the books that I read as a kid. I’m almost afraid lasers are going to come shooting out of them and frazzle me in my seat.
‘Abi, what do you mean?’
I know that I’ve got no option but to come clean.
‘The list was Joseph’s,’ I mutter.
‘Joseph’s?’ she says, her brow wrinkling in a way that would not be attractive if the wind changed.
‘Yes, I found his list in a book in that box of my things he dropped off at my flat, and I thought that if I did everything on it then he might come back to me.’
‘All that stuff about you doing the list to get over him, you made that all up?’
I slowly nod my head.
‘You lied to me. I’m your best friend and you lied to me.’
The anger has given way to whispering incredulity, which is almost worse.
‘I didn’t want to, but I knew you wouldn’t approve.’
‘Of course I wouldn’t approve. It was one thing to support you doing this crazy bucket list when I thought it was your idea, but knowing that these weren’t things you’d picked and that you were just doing it for him,’ she hisses, gesturing in Joseph’s direction. ‘I was so proud of you. I’ve been telling Pete how remarkable it was that you were taking charge of your life and rebuilding it after your heartbreak. Taking the bull by the horns and doing all those things you’d never dreamt of doing. I couldn’t believe how you’d picked yourself up from the mess you were in and dusted yourself down. And now I find out that it was all for him? It was some stupid plan to get him back.’
‘It wasn’t that stupid,’ I say sulkily. ‘It worked, didn’t it?’
‘Congratulations!’
‘Can’t you just be happy for me? You know how much I love Joseph.’
‘Be happy for you? You’ve lied to me for months. And yes, I know how much you say you love Joseph, but how much does he love you?’
‘Sian . . .’ I say, not wanting to go there. If I’m getting back together with him, I don’t want her to slag him off to my face.
‘No, come on. He loved you so much that he dumped you.’
‘People make mistakes.’
‘Yes, they do. But, Abi, honestly, it took him three months to realise. And do you still want him? I mean, now that you’ve met Ben and done all those things?’
‘Ben and I were only friends because of the list. What Joseph and I had was different.’
‘Oh, yes, it was different. I know exactly how it was different. He’s all wrong for you.’
I can feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. This is not what I want to hear.
‘You know I tried to support you when he broke up with you and I bit my lip and didn’t tell you what I really felt.’
‘Oh, come on, you were quite clear that you didn’t think he was right for me.’
‘But did you ever consider why?’
‘You never think any man is good enough. Up until last week I never thought you’d think any man was worthy of a relationship.’
‘Ah, yes, Sian the man-hater. So maybe I’m harsh on men, but not on the good ones, Abi. Don’t you see?’
‘So what’s so wrong with Joseph then?’
I look over her shoulder and see him propping up the bar in his freshly pressed chinos with his neatly tucked-in shirt hidden under a monogrammed jumper.
‘Don’t you remember what he was like with you? Think back.’
‘I remember he was kind and generous. He used to spoil me with meals out and presents.’
‘Yes, he did, but he never listened to you. He never knew what you liked. He was always buying you clothes that you’d never have picked yourself. And remember when he bought you carnations on your birthday, and you hate carnations. You never said anything, you just took them.’
I remember. It’s true – it wasn’t the first time that he’d given me carnations and I’d dropped hints about not liking them whenever we saw them. But when he got them for my birthday I just thought it was nice of him to buy me flowers.
‘And that time that he took us to that bistro and insisted on ordering you mussels and you had to eat that whole tub.’
I shudder at the thought. Those slimy, chewy things. I’m almost gagging at the memory.
‘And what about when he made us go to that bar in Gunwharf even though you didn’t want to go there on principle after they chucked us out that time.’
It’s true, all those things did happen, but it doesn’t mean to say that we’re not meant to be.
‘I’m not saying he’s not a nice guy, he is. But he’s never convinced me that he’s your nice guy. He seemed to think that you should fit in with how he lived his life, without getting to know the real you.’
I’m desperately fighting back the tears. In our twelve-year friendship, Sian has never spoken to me like this.
‘You’ve clearly never had what I had with Joseph. You don’t understand how I feel,’ I say, almost pleading with her.
‘Abi . . .’
‘No, Sian, look I’m sorry that I lied. I truly am. I’ve never lied to you before and I thought I never would, but despite that, you can’t change my mind about Joseph.’
‘I just wish you’d see what I can see,’ she says, her tone changing to sadness.
‘And I wish you could see what I can.’
I hate fighting with her but sometimes she can be so stubborn. She thinks she knows my relationship with Joseph, but how can she? How could anyone except me and him know what went on?
I look over at him again and sigh. Even if she’s right and it would be a disaster getting back together, surely I have to try. Wouldn’t I always regret it if I didn’t?
Sian and I seem to have reached an impasse and neither of us is budging.
‘I’m going to go,’ says Sian.
‘Stay, please.’
I’m not ready for her to go just yet. I feel like I need to get her on side before I talk to Joseph – it’s like I need her blessing.
‘Abi, I am so mad at you. Have you any idea how it feels to find out your best friend’s been lying to you for months?’
She stands up and slips her bag on her shoulder.
‘Please, Sian, let me explain.’
‘I thought you already had, and FYI it wasn’t good enough.’ She sighs and gives me a look of disappointment.
‘You know what the really silly thing is? I thought you were an inspiration. The way you pulled yourself out of that break-up depression and turned it into something positive. You had this whole new lease of life and it really made me stop and think. It made me realise that I’ve had my life on hold ever since I broke up with Ted when I arrived at uni.
‘It actually spurred me on with Pete when he suggested going on a date. It made me stop and consider it rather than dismissing it. All because of what I thought you’d done. And now I find out it was based on a lie. And to top it all off, you had the nicest guy at your fingertips and you’ve let him slip through them.’
/>
She walks over to Pete without so much as a backward glance. She whispers to him and he finishes the rest of his pint and pulls on his coat. I watch them say their goodbyes to the others, before they walk out of the pub.
I have never known her to be so angry. It’s even worse than the time she had to interview Katie Hopkins for her newspaper.
Tonight started off so well, and here I am an hour later having driven off half of the group. I look up at Giles and Laura and I wonder how long it will take before they abandon me too. Doug is nowhere to be seen. He probably left when Ben did.
‘How to clear a pub in minutes.’ Giles laughs as I walk up to them.
‘As if I didn’t already feel like a dick,’ I say, trying to smile.
‘Dare we ask what happened?’ says Laura, her eyes scrutinising me.
‘It’s a long story, and all my fault,’ I reply.
I’m already starting to feel sick as the adrenaline that started to pump round my veins as soon as Joseph made an appearance has started to wane. Add to that the exhaustion of arguing with Sian, and I’m truly beat.
Laura’s looking at me as if she wants me to elaborate, but I can’t face it.
‘So, um, Joseph,’ says Giles.
I nod. I feel slightly funny talking about him with Giles, now that I’m confused about Ben leaving the pub, and I don’t know where my head’s at.
‘Are you . . .?’
It seems to be the question on everyone’s lips.
‘Maybe,’ I say.
I know that I was quite adamant about my feelings when I was talking to Sian but part of that was because of her reaction.
Joseph’s ears must be burning as he walks over to us.
‘Do you want another drink, Abi?’
I look down at my empty hands. I have no idea where my drink ended up or whether it was even finished. But a drink is exactly what I need. Something with a kick that will steady my nerves.
‘Actually, yes, I’ll have a Baileys.’
He looks at me for a minute and then nods. ‘OK, then, and can I get you two a drink as well?’
‘Actually, I think we might get off too,’ says Giles.
‘Really?’ I say, trying to plead, but after the car crash that tonight has been I can’t really blame them.
‘Yeah, I think an early night will do us some good,’ says Laura. ‘Especially as we’re tackling the spare room mess tomorrow.’