by Anna Bell
‘I knew it couldn’t be Linz,’ says Rick. ‘I’m going to have to tell people in the office because it’s going to come out anyway, but Linz and I have started dating. We’ve decided that it’s probably best if she doesn’t work for us as it would be a conflict of interest, and I think she’s going to go to another agency.’
I feel knocked over with the revelations. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes.
‘Unfortunately for Fran, she happened to go onto your finance login and do the order at the exact same time we were having our first kiss in the meeting room. It was a pretty iron-clad alibi for Linz. I know I could have told you that sooner but I was embarrassed by how it looked.’
I wonder if he means because she’s an employee or the fact he’s old enough to be her dad.
‘This is unreal,’ I say, finally.
‘I know. It doesn’t seem very real to me either, and I know that people are going to be disapproving about the age gap, but you know what? She makes me happy. I mean, doesn’t she have the most infectious smile?’
It’s certainly infectious in the way chickenpox is, leaving you feeling all uncomfortable and itchy. I simply nod. He’s happy and Linz is leaving the company, meaning I won’t have to see that perky, ponytail-bobbing whippersnapper look so bloody cheerful all the time, which makes me happy.
I have to admit I feel the teeniest bit guilty that I’ve been so scathing of her as she’s clearly done nothing wrong. Well, except shagging the boss. A mental image flashes through my mind of Rick getting down and dirty and I shudder. That’s all sorts of wrong.
I’m just pleased that I can be reinstated and come back to work without the fear of sabotage.
‘Ah, would you excuse me, my . . .’ I was about to slip and call Joseph my boyfriend, but that’s not right. He can’t just go back to that. And he’s never really been just a friend. ‘My Joseph’s here,’ I say finally.
I slip away from Rick, still trying to make sense of what’s happening.
‘Hi,’ I say, smiling at Joseph.
‘Hi, Abi, sorry I’m a bit late. I had to queue to get in the car park. You’d think that people would have better things to do with their Saturdays than come here.’
Yes, it truly is a mystery why people would want to come to a designer outlet village with restaurants, shops, bowling alley and cinema on a Saturday.
‘Thanks for coming, despite the traffic.’
‘It’s no problem. You know I’ve always quite fancied doing this myself.’
‘Oh, have you?’ I say, trying to bite my cheeks in a bid to stop them from going purple with shame.
‘Yeah, I’ll see how you get on first, though,’ he says chuckling.
I try and stifle a laugh but it gets stuck in my throat. Something tells me that when I require medical attention after my fainting/panic attack/heart attack he’ll change his tune.
‘Right, guys,’ says Rick loudly. ‘Now that we’re all here, Natasha is going to take us for a quick safety briefing, before we go up to the viewing platform to start getting ready.
My stomach starts to churn and I cross my legs so that I don’t wet myself in fear.
I can’t do this. There’s no way I can possibly do this. What the hell was I thinking? I’m like an ostrich – I wasn’t made to leave the ground. Even my big boobs weighing me down like gravity boots are a sign from God that I’m not destined to go up high.
‘I’ll see you back here before we go to the viewing platform,’ I say to Joseph as we’re whisked off to the briefing.
On a scale of one to ten of being petrified, I was a ten before we went for the safety briefing, now I’m pretty much at a hundred. It did absolutely nothing to ease my nerves. Instead, it made me realise how much could go wrong that I hadn’t considered.
The waivers we had to sign have made me wish I’d got round to writing a will and putting on more sensible underwear. The thought that the medical staff that pick me up off the ground will find me wearing white novelty Snoopy boy shorts that turned pastel pink after a red washing incident is a tad embarrassing. I’d picked them thinking they’d be the pair least likely to give me a wedgie whilst in a safety harness.
‘Are you OK, Abi?’ asks Joseph as I meet him back in the lobby.
I want to scream that of course I’m not bloody OK, but I nod weakly instead.
‘You’ll be fine when you get in motion. That initial lean back will be really mentally tough, but as soon as you’re dangling and you feel that the safety ropes have got you you’ll feel fine. The wind will be whistling around your ears – it will be great.’
I blink in horror.
I hadn’t really considered leaning back or feeling the wind in my hair or dangling at 500 feet. Right now I’m psyching myself up simply to get in the lift and get onto the viewing platform.
‘Let’s go,’ he says, taking my arm and shuffling me towards the lift along with my colleagues.
I see Giles out of the corner of my eye trying to give me a thumbs up, but my vision has started to go hazy and I’m not in control of my body enough to respond to him. I can almost feel it shutting down.
‘Right,’ says Natasha. ‘We’ll hold you up here for a bit and then when it’s your turn we’ll hook you up to the safety equipment.’
‘I can’t do this,’ I say, whispering to Joseph, my voice shaky and uneven.
I instinctively reach out and grab his arm, hoping he’ll be my anchor.
‘Abi, you’ll be fine. They do this all the time up here – it’s perfectly safe.’
I look at him and I wonder if he realises how scared of heights I am. I don’t think we went anywhere in our relationship that put it to the test.
‘But I’m scared,’ I say in a whisper.
‘Of course you are, but you’ll be fine. Wow, check out that view,’ he says, throwing off my arm, causing me to stumble backwards. He walks towards one of the giant windows and rests his head against the glass.
I hold onto a nearby chair and ground myself, taking a deep breath and trying to remember how well I did at the Eiffel Tower.
At least here it feels safe as we’re inside.
‘I can see your flat from here,’ Joseph says. ‘Come see.’
He’s beckoning me over and my legs actually start to obey him. I don’t make it all the way to him, but I do see my road facing out onto the common. What would have once been a row of impressive Victorian hotels is now a selection of flats in various states of repair.
‘Cool, huh,’ he says, smiling. ‘Oh, by the way, I bought you this. Thought you might need the energy.’
He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a paper bag and I’m touched. He’s brought me a present.
I reach out and take it without going any closer to him, and I pull out the Danish pastry from inside.
How thoughtful, I think, until I see the raisins poking their ugly head from it.
‘Thanks,’ I say, planting a fake smile on my face. ‘I think I’ll save it for when I get to the bottom. I’ve got a bit too much adrenaline pumping round at the moment to eat it.’
I shove it in my bag and it reminds me of what Sian was saying about his gifts and not listening to what I liked. The image of Ben and the surprise on his face when I pulled out his favourite chocolates springs to mind, and I realise that it’s not that difficult to remember what people like, especially when you care about them.
‘You know, looking at this view makes me jealous of what you’re about to do,’ he says, leaning his head on the glass to get a better view.
‘Well, why don’t you do it with me?’ I say, suddenly realising that this is how I can get down the tower.
‘What? I’m sure it’s too late and they won’t have space,’ he says, shrugging his shoulders.
‘But there is space. Fran has dropped out, so you can take her spot. You can come down with me and hold my hand.’
With Joseph by my side I might actually make it down.
‘Um, but I’m not dre
ssed. I can hardly abseil in chinos.’
I’m about to point out that we are next to a shopping centre where I’m sure he could buy something more appropriate, but I stop as I realise something.
‘You’re not going to do it, are you?’ I say as the penny starts to drop.
‘Not today. Maybe one day,’ he says looking back out at the view.
And then it hits me. It’s like the rest of the things on his bucket list – they’re all just ideas, but he’s never actually going to go through with them.
He’s got no intention of abseiling down this tower – it’s just a dream, a mere fantasy. He doesn’t have the inclination to go through with it.
And I realise in that moment that I don’t want a boyfriend like that.
I want someone who will experience life with me. Whether it’s through a list or on the spur of the moment. But Joseph isn’t that person – he’s too stuck in his ways. And whilst that might have been fine for me once, it’s not fine for the new Abi. I want to really live life, and as comforting as it always was to do the same things every weekend, I don’t want to go back to that.
‘Is that for you?’ he says, turning to me and snapping me out of my thoughts.
‘Is what for me?’
‘That, there. It says, “Go, Abi! Go!” ’
I forget that I’m up so high in the sky and I go up to the window railing and follow Joseph’s finger. There, on a roof top, in giant letters, is an enormous sign. I spot the unmistakable minaret of the mosque behind it, and realise that the rooftop has to be Ben’s bike shop.
A smile lights up my face and my fear drains away. It’s the same feeling that crept over me when I went up the Eiffel Tower. It’s as if Ben is there squeezing my hand. He is with me after all.
I turn to face Joseph and he has confusion written all over his face.
‘You were right, when you broke up with me,’ I say, my voice losing its shake. ‘When you said we wanted different things from life – you were so right. When we broke up I started doing this bucket list to get over you, with all these crazy things that I’d never wanted to do or even thought it was possible for me to do. But you know what? I did them. And it proved to me that I could do anything I set my mind to. But more than that, it’s opened my mind up to who I want to be. And who I want to be with.
‘I want to be with a doer, Joseph, not simply a dreamer. I’ve lived more in these last few months than I have in years and I can’t give that up and get back together with you.’
‘Is this because I won’t abseil? I can change my mind if it is.’
‘No,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘It’s not. It’s about me and who I’ve become,’ I say honestly. Ben and Sian were right about how much of a different person I am now from the one that Joseph let go.
‘But I don’t understand, I thought you wanted me back?’
‘I did, but I realise now how wrong that was. I’m sorry, Joseph, for messing you around, but I’ve got to follow my heart.’
‘And that’s leading you to the person who made you that sign. That guy from Paris?’ he says with a sneer to his voice.
‘I guess so,’ I say as my head catches up with my heart. ‘I’m sorry.’
I walk away from Joseph and realise how foolish I’ve been. All this time I’ve been doing these tasks to get him back and little did I know they were driving me further away from him.
Natasha asks for volunteers to go first and I immediately put my hand up. I’ve got to go and see Ben, now. And my fear of heights is not going to get in the way of me getting the man that I want.
As Natasha helps me into the safety gear, all I can think of is Ben. I’m oblivious to which of my work colleagues is coming down with me, because in my head I’m imagining Ben’s by my side.
I barely notice anything as I’m strapped into my harness and led onto an outside platform. A man explains briefly what’s going to happen, yet I’m on autopilot. I ignore the wind rattling around the helmet that’s been fixed on my head.
I lean back as instructed and my brain stops whirling long enough for my heart to start racing and my breathing to speed up.
I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this. I daren’t look anywhere but straight in front of me because if I get any sense of the height I think I’ll grab hold of the instructor in front of me and never let go.
‘Deep breaths, Abi,’ says Giles.
I look over in surprise to see him next to me.
‘You’re going to do great.’
I smile back at him. I am going to do great. I made it out here onto the platform, that’s a lot further up than I ever thought I’d get. And if I’m already feeling proud of that accomplishment it’s only going to feel better at the end.
The man at the top instructs us to move and I know this is my last opportunity to wimp out. If I chicken out halfway down I’m going to be stuck there for what will feel like an eternity before I’m rescued.
‘You ready?’ asks Giles.
I nod. I know the adrenaline won’t last for ever and if I don’t go now I’m not going to be able to move at all.
‘On three then. One, two, three.’
Much to my amazement my knees bend and I push myself away from the wall. It feels like I’m floating rather than falling. As my legs hit the building again and I release more rope, I start to relax. From this angle I can only see the white tiles of the building. The rope holding me is super strong and thanks to the harness wedgie (damn you, Snoopy pants), I feel surprisingly secure.
I’m sure the views around are wonderful, but all I can focus on is the white building in front of me. For all I know, I could be doing this anywhere. But I don’t care. The point is I’m doing it. I’m actually doing it.
My heart’s beating ever quicker as it tries to keep up with my mind. What with Fran revealing it was her that set me up and me realising my true feelings for Ben, it’s too much to take in.
I can’t believe that I’m finishing this list. It’s been one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I know now that Ben was right – I have to carry on with my own.
‘Nearly there,’ says Giles.
For a moment I’m distracted and I almost look down, but I know if I do I’ll freeze.
‘Focus on the list,’ I mutter to myself as I try and work out what I’d put on it.
I want to go on a safari. Not one you do on a package holiday, but one where you go for a week or so and stay in tents and actually rough it.
A sudden gust of wind blows me slightly to the left and I instantly tense up and scrunch my eyes closed for a moment.
I want to climb the rest of the Four Peaks.
I take a deep breath and kick off again.
I want to learn to bake so that I can be confident in the kitchen.
I want to learn to knit properly so I can make jumpers that are wearable in public.
I want to travel more, and go somewhere on a whim.
But first of all, I want to kiss Ben and I want to tell him how I really feel.
Hands grab my shoulders and for a second I wonder what the hell is going on before I realise I’m at the ground.
How the bloody hell did that happen?
‘You did it, Abi!’ says Giles, slapping me on the back.
‘Oh, my God, I did!’ I say as I put my feet on the ground.
I almost fall straight backwards onto my bum as my legs are buckling as if they’re made of Slinky springs.
I let the man unharness me and I slip off my helmet.
I know Ben said he was going to watch Tammy race but I’ve got to at least try and see if he’s at his flat. My hair must be sticking up at all angles from my ponytail and I’m all sweaty and gross. I probably should go home and change first, but I can’t. I have to go now.
I’m about to turn and bolt when I spot a face in the crowd. I think I’m hallucinating as I see Ben standing right there in front of me.
Maybe all that adrenaline has done funny things to my brain. But it look
s like he’s standing next to Laura, smiling at me.
I walk up to him, slowly at first, then as I get closer I break into a jog. I haven’t had time to think about what I’m going to say, but as I reach him I suddenly know what I want to do. I want to throw my arms round him and kiss him, but I can’t do that, can I?
All I can say is that Ben must be telepathic because no sooner have I reached him than he puts his hand on the small of my back and pulls me towards him. His lips graze mine and he looks at me before closing his eyes and tilting his head. And – bam! – we’re kissing.
I feel his other hand tracing the side of my face and settling on my neck. I reach my hands forward and place them happily on his chest, before I use them to push him off me.
He stops immediately.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I couldn’t help it. I was so proud to see you come down the tower, and I was so pleased to see you and I –’
I lean over and kiss him again.
Pulling out of it, he’s suddenly quiet, a small smile forming on his lips.
‘You were wrong, Abi Martin. I am capable of being in love, and I know that because I’ve fallen head over heels for you.’
My legs were just starting to strengthen after the abseil, but I now go weak at the knees as that’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me.
‘Well,’ I say, taking his hands in mine. ‘It’s a good job, because I’ve started my own list, and number one on it is to have a relationship with you.’
‘Is that right?’
‘Uh-huh. What do you reckon? Are you up for ticking that off with me?’
‘Absolutely,’ he says, pulling me back into him and wrapping his arms around me. He leans down and gives me the most incredible kiss.
I’d say that this new list has got off to a pretty good start.
Epilogue
‘Slow down,’ I say, laughing. ‘You’re going way too fast – it’s going to spin off out of control.’
‘I can’t go any slower – it seems to be either stop or go with this motor,’ he says, looking at his foot. But in looking down, he’s lost control and the clay throws itself all over the wheel.