Not good. Had she set herself up for another round of pain? Was she moving toward a huge crash? She stood on shaky legs and glanced wistfully at the sleeping man before her. Worry wound its way through her as she hurried down the steps and around to the big house. Mamm undoubtedly needed help with supper, and Josie was in desperate need of distraction.
****
John awoke to the sounds of Emmy’s crying. He shook his head to clear the haze of sleep and remembered where he was. His eyes went to the chair where Josie had been sitting, and seeing it empty, he felt a ping of disappointment. Rousing himself fully, he hurried into the house to see to Emmy.
“Dat’s coming,” he said as he entered her bedroom.
Emmy flailed her arms as if to scold her father. John laughed and scooped her up, and she quieted and burrowed into him. John’s lips parted with surprise. She’d never settled down so quickly in his arms before.
“I’m getting better at this, aren’t I, Emmy Sue?” He gently lifted her off his chest to gaze into her innocent blue eyes. “We’re both getting better.”
Lately, he’d begun giving thanks to God for the fragile new peace growing in his heart. It gave him further confirmation that moving to Hollybrook had been a good decision. The friendly people, the classroom full of curious and hard-working students, the cozy daadi haus—all of it warmed his heart. He snuggled Emmy Sue back on his chest and glanced out the bedroom door, through the daadi haus, and out to the big house. Josie was the reason it was all working so well. She had a way about her, a joy—or was it a confidence—that made everything seem all right. John closed his eyes for a moment and imagined Josie’s beautiful face and the way it lit up when she spoke of his daughter.
He looked down at Emmy Sue’s wispy hair—the exact same strawberry-blond color of Essie’s. He kissed the top of Emmy’s head and closed his eyes.
Essie, I wish you could see how Emmy is growing. She’s about ready to sit up. It’s funny to see her try so hard and then wobble to the side. She’s so perfect, and she looks so much like you. Josie’s doing a wonderful gut job with her. You’d like Josie. She’s kind and loving and fun. She makes everything better and she…
John’s throat tightened, and he blinked quickly. What was he thinking?
Essie. Essie.
He took a deep breath and squeezed Emmy.
“I miss your mama,” he whispered. “I miss her so much.”
Four
Josie did her best to keep busy in the kitchen until everyone was at the table. She knew that John and Emmy were already there—she’d heard them come in and then had heard Lizzie and Rachel exclaim over the baby. She forced herself to stay put at the stove, stirring the applesauce. Mamm insisted that applesauce must be warmed before serving, although Josie didn’t know another soul who agreed.
“Josie, hurry up. Everything else is getting cold,” Mamm fussed. She set her hot pads down, gave Josie a look of frustration, and went out to join the others.
Josie poured the warmed sauce into a glass bowl and carried it to the table. Feeling suddenly awkward, she carefully kept her face averted from John’s. An unsettling urgency gripped her. She had to get ahold of herself; she had to stop her feelings before they went any further. She couldn’t care for this man. She couldn’t jeopardize her job with Emmy Sue by loving him.
She let out a soft gasp. Loving him?
Nee, nee, nee.
She’d already had her heart broken. And he still loved his wife. What was she doing? It was hopeless.
Without thinking, she glanced at him through her thick lashes. He was staring at her, and when their eyes met, her face went hot and her chest tightened. She tried to read his expression, but she wasn’t sure what she was seeing. The look in his eyes was intense, and he seemed confused and uncomfortable. She gave him a questioning look, and he quickly turned away, focusing back on his food.
“I love collecting insects,” Susie stated, dropping her fork onto her plate with a clatter.
Inside, Josie flinched, and her mind jolted back to her family around the table.
“Collecting insects?” Dat asked, passing the platter of fried ham to Mamm.
“Jah. It’s our science project.”
John drew an audible breath and then turned to Susie. “Your teacher told me about that project. What do you like about it?”
“Counting bug legs,” Susie said.
“Oooo. That’s disgusting!” Lizzie stated.
Dat observed his daughters. “Can’t see how it’s disgusting, Lizzie. You are being raised on a farm with all sorts of critters.”
Mamm gave a playful swat to Dat’s arm. “Malachi, don’t torment the girl.”
Dat stroked his beard. “Hmm. I think I’ll set you to counting the cows’ legs, Lizzie girl. And the goats’ legs.”
Susie giggled. “I can do that, Dat! And without even countin’. It’s four.”
Everyone laughed, and wide-eyed, Emmy Sue gave out a holler and began to whimper. Grateful for the distraction, Josie sprang up and circled the table to take her from John.
“Come to Josie, pumpkin,” she said. “Shall we rock awhile?”
She felt John’s gaze follow her into the front room where she sat in the rocker with the baby. Through the doorway, she saw Mamm scrutinizing her, and Josie stiffened and lowered her eyes. Did Mamm sense her feelings? Did she know what was going on? Josie turned her head toward the window and fixed her attention on the climbing roses swirling around the porch railing. A small breeze caught the leaves, and they flapped gently against the white paint.
Emmy Sue fell asleep within minutes with her small hand fisted at her mouth. Her warm body lay heavily in Josie’s arms. Josie smiled at her and rose to take her to her crib.
She stepped quietly back into the dining room. “John, if it’s all right, I’ll carry Emmy Sue out. You can take your time.”
“Jah, wonderful idea,” Mamm agreed. “You men can go and visit in the front room. Girls, we’ll start the clean-up.”
Josie didn’t wait for John’s reaction; indeed, she didn’t even look at him. She slipped through the wash room and out the side door to the daadi haus. Emmy remained asleep as Josie lay her in the crib. “There you go. I hope your daddy changed your diaper before supper, or you’re going to be mighty wet.” Josie kissed her finger and touched it to Emmy’s forehead.
She stood by the crib and watched Emmy sleep—nothing was more comforting or more beautiful than a sleeping baby. Crickets outside the window chirped their melancholy love songs, and in the distance, a cow bellowed. Josie closed her eyes and soaked in the peace.
A short time later, she heard the screen door being inched open and John appeared at the nursery door. He looked at her, then at Emmy Sue, and his features relaxed. Josie regarded him and couldn’t help but notice his muscular shoulders as he leaned against the cedar doorframe. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, aware of how jumpy she suddenly felt. Yet how many times had she and John been in the same room with the sleeping child? Embarrassed by her own discomfort, she skirted around him toward the front room. His nearness both disturbed and exhilarated her, and she needed to leave.
He reached out and touched her shoulder as she passed and then dropped his hand as if burnt. She wavered, stunned. No Amish man would touch a girl unless they were courting. She stared at him, her eyes wide and her heart racing.
His hands hung limp at his sides. “I’m sorry, Josie,” he whispered.
Her thoughts swirled, and she backed up against the front door. Does he have feelings for me? Their gazes locked, and something seemed to shift between them, something almost imperceptible, and they both grew completely still.
Footsteps sounded on the porch steps, and Rachel stood outside the screen. “Mamm wants to know if you’d like some tea, John. And Josie, she needs your help in the kitchen.”
Josie sprang to life and darted from the house. If she didn’t escape, she would sink so deeply into feelings for John that she would never be free.
> ****
That night, John lay in bed staring at the shadows playing over the ceiling. He listened to the tender sounds of Emmy sucking on her hand in the next room, and he tried to go to sleep himself. It was useless. All he could do was ruminate on how foolish he’d been to touch Josie like that. What had he been thinking? Why would he have done such a thing?
But therein lay the problem. He hadn’t been thinking—he’d simply reached out for her like it was the most natural thing in the world.
He slung his arm over his eyes. Had he scared her off? Would she stop caring for Emmy Sue now? That couldn’t happen. Emmy had experienced enough change of caregivers in her short life. She couldn’t go through another. He’d have to apologize again to Josie and keep his distance.
Yet even as he declared his intentions, he fell asleep dreaming of the sweet look on Josie’s face as she cared for Emmy Sue.
****
Josie was feeding Emmy Sue mashed bananas when the van pulled into the drive. Craning her neck, Josie recognized the same driver that had brought John so many weeks before. A stocky middle-aged Amish woman with gray-brown hair tucked under her kapp climbed out of the backseat carrying a small suitcase. She nodded to the driver, who then drove off.
“Mamm!” Josie called. “Someone’s here.”
Mamm was already heading toward the front door. She opened it wide. “Hello. Can we help you?”
Josie stood and peered through the screen door to get a better look.
The woman glanced all around her as if taking a survey and then said to Mamm, “I hope so. Is this where John Beiler is staying?”
Mamm wiped her hands on the dish towel she carried. “Jah, it is.”
“I’m Lydia Miller…”
At that moment, Emmy Sue let out a cry and Lydia’s face came alive. “My granddaughter!” She opened the screen door, dropped her suitcase, and rushed past Mamm into the dining room. She hurried to Emmy Sue and pulled her from the high chair, burying her face against Emmy’s neck.
Emmy gave a shocked wail, and Josie reached over to pat her back.
“Ach, I’m sorry,” said Lydia with a sob. “Forgive my rudeness. I’ve missed the child so.”
Josie and Mamm exchanged looks, then Mamm stepped forward. “Now, don’t you fret. It’s perfectly understandable.”
Lydia sank onto the chair Josie had just vacated and held Emmy Sue close. The baby looked up at Lydia with solemn, teary eyes.
“Don’t you remember me?” Lydia murmured. “I’m your grohs-mammi, and I’ve missed you.”
Mamm pulled out another chair and sat. “I’m sure she remembers you. You’re John’s mother-in-law, then?”
Lydia looked around the room. “Jah, that I am. And John? Is he at school?”
Josie nodded. “He’ll be there until around four in the afternoon.” Her brows crinkled with concern. “Did he know you were coming?”
Lydia’s cheeks turned red. “Nee. I thought to surprise him.”
Lydia’s sheepish tone made Josie wonder whether this would be a happy surprise.
Mamm looked at Josie. “Run along to the school, dear, and let John know.”
Lydia half-rose from the chair. “Ach, nee. That’s not necessary. I wouldn’t want to interrupt his teaching. From his latest letter, we know how much he loves it.”
Josie eyed the woman and knew without a doubt that her visit would not make John happy.
“Nonsense,” Mamm countered. “Go ahead, Josie, run along. And let me fetch our guest some tea and fresh snickerdoodles.” She nodded toward Lydia. “I’m sure you need some refreshment after your journey.”
Josie hesitated, reluctant to leave Emmy Sue in the woman’s arms. But how absurd. Emmy Sue would be fine with the woman—she was the baby’s grohs-mammi. Besides, Mamm was there.
She turned and dashed from the house and down the road to the school. As she approached the white clapboard building, she saw John through the window, sitting with a group of students clustered around his desk. He was smiling and animated as he pointed to something in a book. The rest of the students were busy working at their seats.
Josie slipped inside the schoolhouse, which was divided into two classrooms. Long ago, the local men had fashioned walls and doors to allow a separate place for the two different age groups. Josie rapped gently on John’s door.
One of the students opened it and greeted her. “Hi, Josie. Do you want Lizzie or Rachel?”
“Neither. I need to speak to your teacher.” She looked over the child’s bonneted head and met John’s eyes.
His face grew concerned, and he excused himself from the group and hurried across the room. He stepped outside and drew the door closed.
“What’s wrong? Is it Emmy? Is she all right?”
Josie held up her hand. “Nee. Emmy’s fine.”
He drew a breath.
“You have a visitor.”
His eyebrows rose.
“It’s Lydia Miller.”
She watched as the blood drained from his face. He leaned against the wall. “It was just a matter of time. I should have visited her long before now.” He looked at Josie. “Is she with the baby?”
Josie nodded. “Jah. She’s so happy to see her.”
“I’m sure she is.” John stroked his beard. “I need to come home.”
“The baby’s fine. You really don’t need to come. Mamm just wanted you to know.”
He grabbed the door handle and took a deep breath. “You don’t understand. I need to come home. Class can be let out early today.”
Josie watched him go inside, and a feeling of foreboding swept through her. What was so upsetting about Lydia Miller? Why was John so concerned?
Well, she was doing nobody any good standing there like a stump. She turned from the closed door and ran back up the street. When she entered the house, Lydia was walking the baby around the room, crooning her to sleep. It wasn’t time for her nap, but Josie refrained from saying anything. She got the distinct impression that one didn’t make suggestions to Lydia Miller.
Mamm had gone back into the kitchen and was snapping beans. “I’m preparing additional food,” she told Josie. “By her suitcase, I would say she plans to spend the night at the very least. You’ll need to move in with the girls.”
“Don’t you think she’ll want to stay in the daadi haus with John?” Josie asked.
“Perhaps, but there’s not much room in there now with the crib.”
“I still think she’ll want to stay with the baby.” Josie picked up a snapped bean and fiddled with it. “But I’ll be glad to move if necessary.”
“Thank you, daughter. Now quit your fidgeting and help me finish up these beans.”
Within ten minutes, the front door burst open and Rachel and Lizzie raced through. They usually tromped through the side door after school, but they must have been eager to meet the visitor. Josie heard them fuss over Emmy Sue and say hello to Lydia before they entered the kitchen looking for a snack. The front door opened again, and Josie knew John had arrived.
She swished the beans back into the bowl, jumped up, and hurried to the front room. John was standing in front of Lydia, a tight smile on his face.
“Hello, Lydia,” he said. “I didn’t know you were coming. Is Ben with you?”
Lydia shook her head, placing her hand over the top of Emmy Sue’s head. “Nee. He couldn’t leave the farm.” Her voice was low.
“How long do you plan to stay?” John asked.
Lydia closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them, looking defensive and impatient. “Is there room in the daadi haus for me?” Without waiting for an answer, she went on. “I told Ben you needed my help with the boppli and not to expect my return anytime soon.”
John began to speak, but she cut him off.
“Now please don’t deny it. This wee boppli needs her grohs-mammi. Don’t you, little one?” She snuggled her face against Emmy’s cheek. “No one can take care of you like I do.”
Josie went
stiff, and she waited to see what John would say.
“You are wonderful with her,” John said.
Josie sucked in her breath.
“But I assure you, she’s being well looked after. Josie cares for her when I’m in class, and she does a fine job.”
Josie’s breath seeped out.
Lydia’s gaze darted to Josie, and she gave a half-smile. “I’m sure she does, John. But the baby needs her family.”
John didn’t respond. He walked to the couch and sat. “You must be tired after your trip. Would you like Josie to put Emmy down? Then we can talk.”
“Nee,” Lydia countered, alarm covering her face. “Emmy can sleep in my arms.”
Josie stepped back from the door and slowly turned away. She walked out to the front porch, her stomach twisting with alarm. She sank into the rocker. Why should she feel so unsettled, almost as if she’d been physically shoved aside? Was she jealous? Was it because Emmy Sue had snuggled so happily in the arms of the woman? Was she afraid Lydia had swooped in to take Emmy Sue from her?
Or was she holding some crazy notion that she and the baby and John made up a kind of unit, and Lydia threatened that?
Josie put her hand over her mouth.
Of course that was it, and she might as well admit it. She had been thinking the three of them belonged together.
I’m doomed, she thought miserably. Completely doomed.
****
John watched Lydia with Emmy. Truth be told, he was surprised Lydia hadn’t shown up earlier. He realized he’d been dreading this moment for weeks, but seeing the pure pleasure on Lydia’s face did soften his heart a measure.
Perhaps he’d dreaded this meeting for nothing.
“Ben and I have been talking,” Lydia said, shifting the sleeping Emmy Sue in her arms.
“Jah?”
“This baby needs a mama.”
John felt his stomach go cold. “She has a mama,” he said, more harshly than he intended.
“Do you think this is easy for us?” Lydia snapped, her eyes welling with tears. “But facts are facts. The Lord God saw fit to take our Essie from us, and from Emmy Sue. A little girl doesn’t just need her grohs-mammi. She needs a mama.”
Amish Days: The Schoolteacher's Baby: An Amish Romance Short Story (Hollybrook Amish Romance) Page 4