by Jill Rowan
‘I’d love to drive one of those motor cars,’ Edward said three days later, as he and I huddled close to the fire with the temperature outside still well below freezing. ‘Lord Bilshurst has one – he let me have a good look at it once.’
Motor cars? Everything the family said sounded so old-fashioned. Everything about them and their lives was old-fashioned. Yet somehow I dared not let myself think about what that might mean. I liked them, and I wanted so much to belong.
Above all I liked Edward. Too much. While I’d had the odd boyfriend back in Australia, mostly I’d been too busy on the homestead and at the riding centre, and since arriving in England I’d held myself aloof from any boy who’d even glanced my way. Edward, though, was different. From that first moment in the field he’d been special. On top of that he was good-looking, and his old-fashioned and homespun clothing made him seem more exotic. Then there was the shared interest in farming and animals that meant we always had something to talk about.
Ruby entered the room and gave me a look of disdain. Even after three days she hadn’t been able to forgive me for what she saw as my ingratitude, which made things a bit awkward considering we had to share a bed. ‘Mam wants you, our Edward, and Tilly, Mam says you’re to help me change the sheets.’
I followed her upstairs without complaint and we stripped the beds in silence, but eventually I could stand it no longer. ‘Look, Ruby, we’re the same age and we’re really not that different. Can’t we be friends?’
She didn’t answer at first, but then she dropped the blanket she was holding and stared at me. ‘What I don’t get is why you’re making cow-eyes at our Edward. You’ll be gone soon, back to your lah-di-dah house with your lah-di-dah telephone and your posh school. So why are you bothering with a farm boy? Edward’s been happy enough seeing Beryl Partridge up to now, but with you around she doesn’t stand a chance.’
‘He’s got a girlfriend?’ I asked in surprise.
‘Not a girlfriend,’ Ruby snorted. ‘He’s just… well, she lives at the next farm and Edward likes her well enough. I was hoping he and she would… but there’s no chance now you’ve got your claws into him.’
‘I haven’t got my claws into him,’ I protested. ‘I just like him. There’s nothing wrong with us being friends.’
‘If you think the way you act around him is just being friends you must be blind. Even Mam’s worried – why’d you think she wanted you to come and help me?’
I fought back a sudden desire to cry. All we’d done was talk, but Ruby seemed to have made up her mind and there was no sign of her attitude changing. It was mortifying to think that Edie might feel the same. So far she’d been kindness itself towards me.
When I came out of the privy later that afternoon to what seemed to be a perpetually frozen world, I found Edward lurking around the nearby outhouses.
‘Shouldn’t you be indoors?’ I asked him, noting that he seemed a bit agitated.
‘I needed to get out. Let’s take a walk, shall we?’
‘But…’
‘Come on, let’s get away from the house. I want to talk to you in private.’
‘You shouldn’t walk far. I know you’re still in a lot of pain,’ I protested.
‘Never mind that,’ he said through gritted teeth, and led the way past the sheep pen and halfway up the nearby hill.
‘Slow down,’ I said. ‘We must be far enough away by now.’
He sighed and stopped suddenly, staring out over the undulating white landscape, his lips forming an unusual angry line.
‘Did your mam say something to you?’ I asked.
He nodded. ‘She said we were getting too close and I shouldn’t get ideas above my station.’
‘Above your station? How’d you mean?’
His laugh was without humour. ‘You’re a class or two above a simple farm boy.’
‘But I’m not! I’m…’ I stopped. I’d been about to say I was an ordinary girl, but that wasn’t true, not here. ‘Anyway, you’re not a simple farm boy,’ I amended.
He turned to look at me. ‘It’s all I’m ever going to be. A farmer. It’s in my blood and it’s what I want to do.’
‘I know that,’ I said, moving closer to him. ‘I don’t care about that.’
He took my hand in his. It was the first time we’d touched since the night I’d rescued him, and again I felt that quiver of recognition. ‘So you don’t think you’re above me?’ he asked.
‘Of course not! Why would I? I know Ruby thinks I’m bad for you, too.’ I sighed. ‘Well, maybe they’re both right. I’ll be gone soon, back home, and you can forget all about me.’ Even as I said it I realized the thought was unbearable.
His grip on my hand tightened. ‘I’ll never forget about you. Anyway, you’ll only be in Nimbury – I’ll come and visit you.’
‘What about… Beryl Partridge?’
He looked down at the ground a little awkwardly. ‘We’ve been out to dances a few times. There’s nothing serious going on.’
‘But Ruby thinks there is.’
He smiled. ‘Beryl’s one of Ruby’s best friends.’
‘Ah. So she wants you two to get together.’
Edward nodded. ‘And of course she’s a farmer’s daughter.’
‘So she fits in, you mean.’
‘You fit in as far as I’m concerned. I mean, it’s obvious your life isn’t like ours, but you do know your stuff, about horses and livestock.’
‘Edward…’ I began, and then stopped. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to say. I moved even closer to him, and our lips touched. The kiss had a sweet inevitability to it, but we pulled apart sharply when Ben’s voice said from close by, ‘Get inside, Edward, you’re not well enough to be out here. And Tilly, come on, we’ve got work to do.’
‘Da…’ Edward protested.
‘Go on with you, get inside. Your Mam’s worried you’ll catch pneumonia or something.’
Edward sighed and gave my hand a squeeze before letting go and heading back down the hill.
‘I’m… we weren’t…’ I stammered as I followed Ben to the cart.
Ben turned to look at me. ‘I know you don’t mean any harm, love, but you’re not right for our Edward. He needs someone steady, someone like himself, someone of his own class.’
‘But –’
‘Come on now, we need to get on so we’re finished by sunset. And I think the weather’s on the change, so we should be able to get you home soon.’
I went through the motions, helping out with the sheep again, but inside I felt thoroughly miserable. I hadn’t intended to fall for Edward, or get him to fall for me. It had just happened.
Back at the house that evening the atmosphere had become awkward, with Ruby casting poisonous glances my way, Edward stewing at my side, and Edie and Ben being carefully polite. If it hadn’t been for Tom and Vera, who seemed oblivious of any problem, the evening meal would have passed almost in silence.
That night, forced to sleep once again in the same bed as the girl who now seemed to hate me, I wept silently into the pillow. It would be a relief to leave now, except for Edward. Rain drummed on the roof, as the thaw began.
Despite the rain, it became clear over breakfast that I stood no chance of escaping just yet.
‘That much snow will take a while to thaw,’ Ben pronounced. ‘What’s more, there’ll be floods to follow, mark my words.’
‘I can’t help worrying about your poor auntie,’ Edie added. ‘All these days with no news of you.’
I nodded, wondering just how much Auntie Cheryl would be missing me. Now that I’d had time to think about it I was wondering whether she’d really had a choice about taking me in. After all, if you’re told your long lost niece is now a motherless orphan what do you do? I blushed with shame as I remembered the last words I’d flung at her. Edie, misinterpreting my discomfort, patted my arm. ‘Oh, don’t you fret now, dearie. Ben’ll get you back to the bus stop as soon as it’s safe.’
I nodded, k
eeping my head low. What if Auntie Cheryl decided she’d had enough – would she pass the buck back to social services? I could end up fostered out, or even in a group home. I’d had my fill of that in Australia in the first couple of months after my mum’s death. Why had I been such an idiot?
I spent the morning mucking out the horses, and I was quite happy about it, too, especially as the weather was warmer. The routine of it was pleasantly familiar, and the solitude gave me an opportunity to think about how I could make things better with my auntie, as long as I was going to get back to her.
Did I want to get back? Yes, very much so, I realized with a jolt. I was a fish out of water here, always afraid to put my foot in it and unsure of the rigid rules everyone seemed to live by. But what about Edward? We’d known one another for only five days but he was already firmly in my heart. It wasn’t a blinding flash of lightning like I’d always imagined; it was more that he just belonged there, as if he’d always been a part of me. I was puzzling over this revelation when the stable door creaked open.
‘Tilly?’ Edward whispered.
‘Over here,’ I called back quietly, putting down my shovel and wiping my damp forehead with the back of my hand.
Edward sighed. ‘This is ridiculous,’ he said. ‘Having to sneak out and meet you in secret. I don’t know what Mam and Da are thinking.’
‘I’m not right for you, they say.’
‘I think I’m old enough to judge who’s right for me,’ he said firmly.
I smiled. ‘At the grand old age of eighteen.’
‘So we’re young, but Mam and Da were married when he was eighteen and she was seventeen, so they can’t talk.’
‘Married?’ I almost choked. ‘Well, I don’t plan to get married for a long time yet.’
‘Not even to me?’ he said softly.
I leant against his undamaged right side and he put his arm around me.
‘I don’t know how this happened,’ I whispered. ‘It’s like I’ve always known you, like I’ve just met you again after years apart.’
He pulled me closer and we kissed again. When we separated he said, ‘So don’t you think we should stay together, if we both feel the same way?’
I sighed. ‘I have to go home. My auntie… my life. I have to –’
I broke off as the stable door opened sharply and light flooded in. Ben’s form loomed up.
‘Da, please. You don’t need to follow me everywhere,’ Edward said in an uncharacteristically angry tone.
‘I wasn’t, as it turns out,’ Ben said equably. ‘I’m here to tell Tilly I think we can get her back to town tomorrow. Old Joe Meikin was just round and he says the roads are clearing faster than we thought. Oh, and dinner’s ready.’
‘Blast it!’ Edward said when his father left without further comment. ‘Look, I’ll come and visit you in Nimbury, I promise.’
We headed back to the house hand in hand. After all, we had nothing to lose. I was afraid I’d never see Edward again after tomorrow, and it weighed heavily on my heart.
After a dinner that I only picked at, I headed up to the perpetually freezing bedroom with a piece of paper I’d begged from Vera. I wanted to leave Edward something personal to remember me by, but I’d never been too good with words, only with pictures. I chewed at the pencil in my hand and then drew a scene from our time together: a horse on a snowy hillside, a cluster of sheep eating from a bale of hay and two small human figures close together in a pose of affection.
Footsteps clattered up the stairs and I hid the paper quickly under my pillow.
‘What’re you doing up here?’ Ruby said, her tone sharp, as it always was with me.
‘I just wanted to be on my own for a bit,’ I said.
‘Well you can come and help me – the privy needs a good clean, Mam says.’
I hesitated for a moment, which was all she needed. ‘What, too hoity-toity for a bit of cleaning? Think yourself lucky you don’t have a lifetime of scrubbing ahead of you, unlike some.’
‘You really do like to rub it in, don’t you?’ I said, irritated.
She smiled, obviously pleased to have got a reaction from me, and led the way downstairs.
It was hardly how I’d have liked to spend my last afternoon with the family, and it seemed to me that Ruby took a perverse pleasure in ensuring it was as unpleasant as possible.
When the privy couldn’t have possibly been any cleaner, and I couldn’t be more tired of Ruby’s attitude, I managed to escape back to the bedroom. It would probably be my last chance to be alone before I left. I took out the drawing again and added a few more details. Then I thought for a minute and wrote at the bottom of the paper: I have known you all my life.
I didn’t get another chance to speak to Edward alone that evening. Edie had made me a special farewell tea, including a delicious sponge cake with strawberry jam and butter cream, and everyone but Ruby tried to make my last night an enjoyable one. Edward and I were unable to exchange more than looks, and I wondered how I was going to pass the picture to him without causing comment.
I was slow to wake the following morning, and kept my eyes closed as Ruby and Vera got dressed, and when Vera trotted downstairs, but I opened them smartly when Ruby said, in a sly tone, ‘What’s this then?’ and pulled my picture from under the pillow.
‘Hey, that’s mine!’ I said, sitting up as she gazed at the drawing with a scornful expression.
‘I have known you all my life,’ she read out, mockingly. ‘You’ve known him five whole days, that’s all, and you’ll never see him again. You think too much of yourself – he’ll soon forget you. He won’t be needing any reminders.’
I watched in silent horror as she screwed up the paper and thrust it into her pocket with a look of challenge in her eyes. ‘Don’t bother telling Mam and Da,’ she said. ‘They can’t wait to see the back of you.’
I wanted to cry, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction. I sat beside Edward at breakfast, but I could barely eat. Edie and the younger children chatted as usual, while Ruby just looked unbearably smug. I was grateful when Edward sneaked his hand over mine under the table, and gave it a squeeze. I blinked as hard as I could, feeling the heat of Ruby’s gaze.
After breakfast it felt as if everyone had conspired to prevent any talk between Edward and me, and I was chivvied to the waiting cart as if I were really the unwanted baggage Ruby believed me to be. At least Vera and Tom seemed sad to be losing their latest playmate, and Edie gave me a warm, motherly hug and told me to give her best wishes to my auntie.
Once Edie had released me, Edward took my hands in his – his sprained wrist had been released from its sling only that morning – and ignoring the family, leaned over to kiss me firmly on the lips. I heard Ruby suck in a breath behind me, and I put my arms gently around him and kissed him back. I held on to the kiss for as long as I could, but eventually Ben said, ‘Well, come on then, we need to get going. There’s a bus at half past ten, so you should be safely back with your auntie in no time.’
I pulled away reluctantly, my eyes fixed on Edward’s. I wanted to tell him about the picture; I wanted him to know how I felt, and that if I could find a way I would be back, but instead I was forced to turn and climb on to the cart, my words caught in my throat like a dammed waterfall.
As the cart drew away Ruby turned back to the house, but Edie and the younger children stood in a cluster, waving. Edward stood still, his eyes locked with mine until the cart dipped below the rise.
Ben was quiet on the long and fairly treacherous trip to Rillsend. Several times the cart slithered on patches of slushy snow. Eventually he said, ‘Don’t take on, love. You’ve only known Edward a few days and it’ll pass. You’re not right for him, and you’ll both realize that when things settle back down. You wouldn’t want to be a farmer’s wife, now would you?’ I didn’t have a chance to answer as he went on, ‘No, of course you wouldn’t. You’re meant for a different life. He’ll see that soon enough, and so will you.’
A few minutes later we pulled up at the bus stop. There were a couple of houses here, just as I remembered. Why hadn’t I been able to find them again on that night?
‘Here we are then,’ Ben said, just as a bus pulled up the lane.
He helped me down from the cart and said, ‘I want to thank you again for what you did for our Edward – I think you saved his life. We won’t ever forget that, love.’ He clasped my hand in a firm grip, and then climbed back up on to the cart. ‘Take care of yourself, and make sure you do well at that college,’ he said, as he flicked the reins. The big bay horse turned around and set off through the dirty slush of the road. I turned away with tears in my eyes. I was sure I’d never see Edward again, and it hurt. Ben was wrong; it wouldn’t pass. I didn’t know why, but it would never pass.
The bus was empty, and it was a different driver from the other night, which seemed so long ago now. This one was taciturn and didn’t even spare me a glance as he printed out my ticket.
The bus rumbled slowly out of Rillsend, and I shrank into the smallest shape I could manage, shivering despite the warmth. As the journey progressed, the slushy snow outside gradually thinned and disappeared until, in the built-up suburban streets of Nimbury, it was non-existent. At around that point a few people began to get on, and suddenly my mobile sprang into life, burbling every few seconds with a new text or missed call. I read the increasingly panicked texts from my auntie with my heart sinking, and quickly sent one off to say I was safe and on my way. I didn’t feel up to phoning her yet – she’d got the police involved, so I was clearly in big trouble.
I got off the bus at the same stop as before, and ran to the house. Auntie Cheryl opened the front door as soon as I stepped on to the path, and then she hurried to meet me. Her face was pale, devoid of make-up, and she looked like she’d been crying for days.
‘Where were you? Are you sure you’re all right? What happened?’ she asked, looking me up and down. ‘And where did you get those clothes?’ I was still wearing Edward’s old clothes – they’d been far warmer than my school uniform.