by Diana Rivers
“No doubt. Most likely it will not,” she answered tartly. “It is fool’s work to hinge all your happiness on some man.”
Now I understood. I could hear the twist of jealousy in Alyeeta’s voice. “It is not the man,” I said quickly. “What would I need in my life with a man? It is the place that calls me like a lover.” Yet that was not altogether true. Though I made sure to share my time equally with everyone in my little troupe, trying hard to bind us together and be a good leader, still, in truth, my preference was to ride by Lorren. I was filled with curiosity about this man who had so recently been our enemy. Besides, he had much knowledge of the world that I wanted for myself, or, rather, for the Hadra.
My companions all had their own very different responses to him. Pell, Jhemar, Kazouri, and Zenoria plied him with questions about the Zarn’s armies and intentions. Maireth, Kara, Ozzet, and many of the others did their best to avoid him, keeping their distance and saying nothing at all to him. Katchia began by flirting outrageously, saying such things as “I wonder why is it that Shokarn men are so much handsomer than the Koormir,” or “If you just let me have your clothes for a little while, I could wash and mend them and have them looking almost new again. I would be only too glad to be of service.” When Lorren made polite, uninterested responses and finally fell to ignoring her altogether, she retaliated with insults and rude comments. Hayika quickly joined in, and even Alyeeta had to add some unkind words of her own. It grew so bad that I cringed with embarrassment and fervently wished myself elsewhere.
When we finally reached a widening in the trail, I rode up next to Lorren. “What has happened to you since our meeting at the river?” I asked, hoping to cover the rudeness of my companions. “You never had a chance to answer my question.”
“Much. A very long story, longer to tell than this ride will take us, but at least I will tell you a part of it. After the battle of the black toads, I made my way home, trying to gather what men I could on the way and always hiding from the wrath of the Koormir, not an easy thing to do, believe me. When we reached Eezore, a few of my men were already there, spreading wild stories of toads and Witches and rumors of an army of star-brats massing for battle. I was not given a hero’s welcome, I can tell you that. The Zarn had me stripped of everything: my rank, my uniform, all my possessions; even my horse, and that hurt most of all. As you know, we have a tight bond, Pharoth and I. The rest I could have left with no regret. They can have it all, with my blessings.
“The Zarn’s councilors questioned me over and over, the same questions again and again and again, night and day, till I thought my head would crack with it. Even the Zarn himself questioned me a few times. He wants to understand your powers. He is convinced it is something that can be made for him.
“My poor father, he was publicly humbled and forced to denounce me in front of crowds in the streets, very hard for such a proud man. People shouted insults at me and then began to throw things. If not for the guards, they might have torn me apart on the spot. They saw me as being at fault for the loss of their sons and their brothers, a traitor who had sided with the enemy and lost the battle by intention. Also, they no doubt enjoyed this chance to revenge themselves on one of the Highborn, who usually have such power over their lives.
“I was to be banished, driven out of the city with only the clothes on my back. While I was in my father’s house, my brother, Ebron, came to say good-bye to me. He wished me farewell and good-speed and told me that he loved me still, no matter what had happened. ‘I will try to bring your horse tonight, if I can find a way with bribe or friendship to pass the gate. Stay out of sight, but listen for the owl call we used as boys on our late-night adventures.’
“I was deeply touched that he would risk himself that way for me when I had brought such disgrace on the family. My father, on the other hand, made sure to say many times how glad he was that my mother had not lived to see this, how my disgrace would likely have killed her. Not words to gladden my heart, you may be sure. My poor brother, now he must carry all that weight in my place, be both the older and the younger son. I do not envy him his fate.” He shook his head sadly. “I doubt I will ever see him again in this world.
“I must say, in the end I was thoroughly weary of all the shame and disgrace being heaped on my head. I only wanted to be gone from there, out of that city and on to some new life, no matter what it might be. Even then I thought of trying to find you again, since, strange as it may seem, you were the only Hadra I could think to trust. I was full of curiosity about this new thing that could challenge the powers of all the Zarns of Garmishair and shake Eezore to its very foundations. Then, just as I was preparing to leave, I was arrested instead and thrown into the dungeon. They must have decided I was a danger as a free man, even as a horseless, ragged beggar. Truth be told, I was surprised they had not done it before.
“Now the talk among the guards was of torture and execution. I tried to make peace with my fate and find some acceptance in my heart, not an easy thing to do, as freedom had been so near. This banishment that is such a terror for others had looked to me like a new life and another chance. In truth, it had looked like freedom. Now they had snatched it away. They left me there for three days and three nights to think on my fate, with only a little food and water and no company but the rats.
“In the middle of the third night, I was awakened by footsteps and low voices in the passageway. By the light of their single torch, I could see several large, roughly dressed men in dark masks. Their clothes were dark as well, so that they seemed to be moving shadows, pieces of the night. They had keys to the cell. As they entered, the largest of them quickly grabbed me in a grip of iron and clamped his hand over my mouth, while another of them said in a low voice next to my ear, ‘Make no outcry or we are all dead. Come with us quietly and we will have you out of here.’ I had no way of knowing if this really meant my freedom or only a quicker end, but as I was already a dead man, it mattered little.
“How we got out of the city that night is a whole other story that I will not tell you now. I never learned who it was that saved me. Suffice to say that well before dawn I was on my own horse, riding fast away from Eezore. I tried to stay well hidden in the daytime, but two days out of the city, the Wanderers caught up with me and took me to their camp. Later I discovered they had been following me in secret the whole way, making sure the Zarn’s men were not on my trail. No doubt Hereschell had some part in all that, and Ebron too. Since then, I myself have become a Wanderer, learning the lessons of the Cerroi and taking the Wanderer pledge. I have also tried to unlearn being a Shokarn—not an easy task, believe me.
“For most of the summer I traveled up and down the coast, going sometimes with the Wanderers and sometimes on my own, seeing many wondrous and amazing things. It was in one of my solitary wanderings that I found this place I speak of and met with the Koormir there.”
I could read in Lorren’s mind something tangled and troubled about this place, some difficulty with the Koormir, but no details came clear. When I tried to question him, he shook his head, saying, “Wait until you see it, then you can decide.” It almost seemed as if he were intentionally blocking my powers in some way.
“How do I know we can trust you? How can I be sure this is not some trap we are riding into? I know you are hiding something.”
“I have already stood open under Alyeeta’s hands, and you know she would defend you with her life. Please wait, Tazzil, I beg of you. Afterward, I will answer all your questions.”
Hearing that, Hayika rode up next to Lorren and said bitterly, “Afterward may be too late. How do we know there is any truth to your stories? How do we know you are not still working for the Zarn?” Katchia joined in with her acid tongue, “What good will answers do after we have ridden into a trap? I have seen many men like you before, all charm and lies.” Then Rishka began shouting, “He betrayed the Zarn, he will betray us as well!” And even Maireth joined in, saying, “Why should we trust a man who had orders
to burn us alive? Look what men like you have done.” She pulled up her shirt. Lorren flinched with pain and turned away. Hayika growled, “We should give him a taste of his fastfire.”
I was almost afraid for Lorren. The commotion around us had grown so loud that when we reached a wide space in the road, I called for a halt and spun my horse around to face them all. Kazouri roared for silence. I was glad to hear the angry voices lowered to a mumble. “Off your horses and gather in a half-circle so I can see you,” I shouted to them. “I need to say something to all of you.” I stayed mounted so they could see me.
Watching them dismount and find their places, I wondered what I would say. I was not Pell, full of witty or compelling words. I had no rousing speech ready. All I knew was that we could not go on this way. The tension was intolerable. Even when they had gathered and were looking at me expectantly, nothing came to mind, so I simply took a deep breath, opened my mouth, and began, letting the words come as they would. “Sisters, Hadra, when I asked who would come with me to make the beginnings of a city for our own people, you are the ones who spoke up. We left not knowing where we were going or what we would find, but you had the courage or the curiosity or the faith or the foolishness to come. I did not question your reasons, though now I think perhaps I should have.
“Now this man has offered to show us a place. This may be a trap, this may mean our death, but I think not. He is a friend of Hereschell’s. The Wanderers trust him. Alyeeta finds no treachery in him. Our own powers detect none. Each of us must weigh this matter in her own heart. But I tell you this clearly; no matter what the risk, I am going with him. I need to see this place because it calls to me. I have dreams and visions of it that leave me no peace. I could not turn back now, not even if my life depended on it. How could I ever sleep again? How could I go back and help build the settlement of Ishlair with a good heart, never knowing what we might have had?
“So…” I swept them all with a look. “Now is the time to decide. Those of you who distrust this man and think he means some mischief, this is your chance to turn back and take some other course. Those who still wish to go on with me must do so in good spirit and with no further insult to Lorren. If you stay, let this be an end to your spiteful barbs.”
Suddenly, I had also come to the end of my little speech. I could only stare silently at them, thinking they would soon be leaving. They were staring back at me without a word. I wondered if I would be going on alone or almost alone. Surely Pell would come with me, and that meant Tama too. Probably Kara and Vestri would stay with us, and likely Alyeeta as well. Not enough to start a settlement, much less a city. It was clear that Hayika would leave and take Rishka and Zari with her. Kazouri would surely go with Katchia.
It seemed like hours before Hayika stood up slowly, stretched, and said insolently into the silence, “I have never in my life turned back for fear and I do not plan to do so now. And yes, I will try to curb my tongue. I say let us go on and see this place. It had better be worth the ride.” Somehow she managed to make even her agreement sound like a threat.
Rishka jumped to her feet with a shout and grabbed Hayika in a hug. Suddenly, the rest of them were on their feet shouting and cheering, as if in some strange way they had all been waiting for Hayika’s words.
Pell was grinning widely. She came and clapped me on the leg. “Not bad,” she said admiringly. “Not bad at all. Just as I said: they cannot be compelled, but they can be inspired, though they may often test you to the limit.” Pell was amused and seemed to think it all good fun. I was dripping with sweat and shaking inside. It was hard work, this game of being leader. I slipped off Dancer’s back and almost fell right into Kazouri’s arms. She grabbed my arm to steady me. Katchia was standing in back of her, looking very anxious. “Please, Tazzil, do not send me back. I will try to watch my words. Not an easy thing for me to do after all these years, but I will try.” She was actually pleading and seemed contrite, almost frightened, not at all like the brash, outrageous Katchia she usually displayed to us.
“Good enough,” I said, with a curt nod to her. Then I walked straight up to Hayika and looked her in the eye. “Either accept me as your leader or find yourself another. If you have some game of power to play out, then go play it elsewhere. We have serious work to do.” Without waiting for an answer, I walked over to Lorren, who was sitting in the shade, elbows on his knees and chin in his hands, staring dejectedly at the ground.
“I am sorry for that,” I told him. “But now, perhaps, there will be some peace.”
He shook his head. “Maybe this was all a mistake. I had hoped in this way to undo some of the harm I have done, but who knows if that can ever be. They are right to mistrust me, you know. When I see the burns on Maireth and the others, I…” With a shiver he turned away. “I never understood. I suppose I never really thought of you as people…”
I squatted beside him. “We cannot undo the past, no matter how we wish to. We can only go forward. I want to see this place. I cannot think you mean to betray us, or I would sense it. The others will accept you after a while, as they have accepted Hereschell, but it may take some time.”
Since we had already stopped, we ate a quick meal of bread, cheese, and fruit. Afterward, Lorren showed us a path he knew of that led down to the ocean. The water was warmer there than along the northern coast, and we were sheltered from the biggest waves by a long curving spit of black rocks. Shouting and splashing, we all ran into the water, suddenly full of play. As a child in Nemanthi I had learned to swim in the river, but the buoyancy of the sea amazed me. Soon I found myself floating on my back, squinting up at the bright blue sky, and remembering that sometimes life could be very fine.
* * *
Just as we were something new and strange in Lorren’s world, so he was something new and strange in mine; a man who was a scholar, whose head was full of all the facts that filled Alyeeta’s books. He had much knowledge of the world, knowledge that I thirsted for. And yes, he charmed me. I had never met a man like him. Certainly none of the boys in my village had been anything like him. I have to admit that it filled me with excitement to ride next to him and hear him speak of far places and other times and even the movement of the stars. He had a vast knowledge of the natural world that he shared with me. As we rode, he told me the names of the birds and trees and plants we passed and little bits of information about each one.
Alyeeta was right, and at the same time she was very wrong. It was certainly not passion of the body, of the flesh, that moved through me. I think no man could have moved me in that way. It is not in my Hadra nature. Nor was it passion of the spirit, for we could not even speak head to head. But there is another kind of passion, a passion of the mind, and that is what we shared. For that moment, it seemed to me as fine a passion as any other. And yet there was a part of him I could not abide, a part that made me angry to the core. I could see it clearly when Hayika said that he would like to pin us to a board to study like bugs. Not knowing the beingness of things—of creatures, of plants, of other humans—he could only look from the outside and never enter the inner realm of another. He was locked forever alone in his own skin, learning, knowing, gathering knowledge, but never truly understanding.
Yet even as I write these words, I remember the charm of those days, of that ride, of that “time between.” I knew that when we reached this place, if it was indeed to be our place, then the hard work would begin. Summer was already wasting, and even in this warmer climate, we would have to build some sort of shelters before winter. We would be driven again, though this time by need, not fear. As we traveled, there was this little gift of unclaimed time. Whenever I started to worry about the future, I would have to remind myself to enjoy these days of freedom. The future would come soon enough. So, while I rode forward eagerly into the southland, some little part of me did not want to get there too soon.
Much as I loved the day’s ride, evening was my favorite time. After we had made camp and eaten, we often gathered by the fire. O
ne night, drawn by the music and the sound of talk and laughter, I was on my way to join some of the Hadra there when I noticed Katchia among them. I hesitated. At that moment, she was not my favorite person, though she certainly looked very beautiful in the firelight. Wearing a borrowed tunic opened to the waist, she was sitting with her head thrown back, joking, laughing, and flirting with the others, especially Hayika, whom she liked to tease. Just as I was turning to leave, I saw that familiar look of hurt and puzzlement cross Kazouri’s face. Suddenly I was angry, very angry. I felt driven to speak to Katchia right then, though likely none of it was mine to say.
Slipping quietly around the edge of the circle, I tapped her on the shoulder. When she looked up at me, her face closed instantly, turning suddenly guarded and sullen. “I need to speak with you,” I whispered in her ear. She nodded and rose with a scowl. Though she followed me without open protest, still I could feel her reluctance, the resistance in every movement of her body. I chose a spot not far from the fire where I could still see her face by its light; but could not be easily be heard by the others over the music and the noise. “I need to speak with you,” I said again.
“So, what is this about, Tazzil?” she asked mockingly, cocking her head to one side to look at me. None of this was easy to say. As I was trying to gather my words, she winked and nodded. “Ah, yes, I see. No doubt you are angry with me for that little business with the Wanderer. You probably disapprove. But you Hadra are not so pure yourselves, you know. You do all sorts of things decent people would never think of doing.”
At those words, I felt the heat of anger rush up the back of my neck. No wonder Rishka found her so maddening. Trying to cool my temper, I asked quickly, “What little business do you mean?” Then I laughed with sudden understanding. “Ah, that business. You know Strathorn would not have paid you, if that is what you mean by business.”