by Melle Amade
I slump onto the armrest of the couch. “Do you even know what I have been through?” I ask. How could he? I didn’t tell him. It was so important that they thought I was a raven. I kept it a secret. “I’m a nuvervel.”
“A what?” he asks.
“I can shift into both a dove and a raven,” I say.
He shakes his head as confusion clouds his face. “It’s not… you’re a raven. You swore fealty to Callum. You’re a member of the Ravensgaard.”
“Yes,” I explain. “But the whole time I was doing that I couldn’t even shift into a raven. I had to learn to do it. Roman helped me. Every time I shifted I was bleeding. But it was really, really, really difficult.” My voice chokes and I breathe in slowly trying to stay calm, but my shoulders shake as tears fill my eyes. “I thought I was going to die, Dad.”
I collapse against him as he holds me tight. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” He asks.
“I wasn’t the only one keeping secrets!” I strangle the words out.
“No. No, you weren’t.” He says. “I was trying to help you. To protect you.”
Tears fall down my checks. “That’s what I was trying to do, too. Protect you.”
A dismayed laugh comes from him as he rocks me back and forth, my tears wetting his shirt. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
A knock on the door pulls me away from him. I wipe my nose on my sleeve and rub my eyes as Dad opens the door.
“Callum,” Dad greets him.
“Everything okay?” Callum asks.
“Not really,” I say.
“We have training in ten minutes. I hadn’t heard from you so I thought I’d come by,” he says.
“Training? You can’t be serious.” How can he even suggest that when Zaragoza was just executed?
Callum raises an eyebrow. “I thought training with the Ravensgaard was one of the big things you wanted.”
My hand goes over my mouth and rubs up against my nose as I close my eyes. “Let me make sure I understand this correctly. You want me to get really good at battling so I can carry out the commands of the Order, in particular El Oso, who just executed the man who saved my life?” I open my eyes and stare at him. “For. No. Reason.”
Callum bites his lips together and inhales deeply.
“And don’t you dare say he broke the law. Because we have all broken the stupid laws,” I say.
“I wasn’t going to say that.” Callum tugs at his ear. “Look, I understand your pain and confusion, but now, today, this week, while the Order are here in our backyard, this isn’t the time to be freaked out about them. We just need to suit up, show up and make it look good.”
“What if they’d told Lord Van Arend to kill me?” I ask.
Callum swallows as a shadow passes through his eyes. “They didn’t.”
“You know as well as I do they easily could have.”
“There are definitely issues,” Callum says.
A cold, harsh laugh erupts from me. “Issues? You call killing a harmless old man an issue? It’s barbaric!”
Dad’s hand settles on my shoulder like a calming weight, grounding me. “What Callum is trying to say, Shae, is that today is not the day to fight that battle. Whatever problems the Order has we’re not going to solve them here and now. It’s better to play the party line while they are here and don’t make any more problems.”
“We can talk about things after they’re gone.” Callum nods in agreement.
I look from one to the other, my upper lip curling as I gauge what to do. These are two men who have always looked after me and tried to make decisions to keep us all safe.
“I can’t fight for the Order, Callum,” I say.
“I’m not asking you to fight,” he says. “I’m asking you to show up for Ravensgaard training so we don’t have more problems.”
“It’s best if everything goes smoothly while they’re still in town.” Dad says.
I glare at him. It’s so weird that he’s a shifter. “My dad’s a Passief,” I say to Callum.
“Roman mentioned that was probably the case,” Callum nods slowly. His gaze moves to Dad. “I have no problem with Passiefs and I will keep your secret.”
“We shouldn’t have to be a secret!” I exclaim.
“You’re a Ravensgaard,” Callum says. “Not a dove.”
“I-” But he’s right. I gave up my right to be a Passief. I had to choose one and I chose raven. My stomach clenches. “Maybe if I’d known my dad was a dove that can shift, maybe I would have chosen differently.”
“It’s better this way,” Dad says. “Go to training. We’ll talk more later.”
“We have to, Dad. Because I need to know,” I say. “I need to know everything.”
“Yes.” Dad sighs as if he’s been holding his breath forever. “Everything.” He envelopes me in a hug that nearly suffocates me. I grip him back just as hard. “I love you, Shae.”
“I know.” I throw him a half-smile as I follow Callum out the door.
“Where’s Zan?” I ask when we get to the training field at the zoo. Roman is sitting on the bench alone keeping track of the Ravensgaard.
Roman shrugs. “Home I think. She mentioned something about not feeling well.”
I don’t feel well either, but it has nothing to do with my physical world. My mind is still spinning from the fact that Dad’s a dove. Shanahan is with Iona calling out commands to the Ravensgaard who are matched up and flying into the sky. They’re shifting as they come down and continuing their grappling on the ground. My blood pumps a little faster and energy surges through my body. But off to the side of the field stand Patch and Polaris. Their hulking frame casting long shadows across the sparring field. My fingers drum against my legs. I want to fly at them.
“Come on,” Callum says. “Ignore them. Let’s go. I’ll partner with you today and go easy on you.”
“Go easy on me?” I start to run and spring in the air for the first time completely confident about how to shift and what I’m going to shift into. No more pain. No more blood. Just wings, black as night carrying me up. I hear the caw of Callum’s delight behind me as he follows me into the air.
But we’re not joy-flying up here. Callum flies up next to me and takes a swipe at me with his beak. I surge forward creating space between us, but I’m sure it’s not enough. Callum is fast. I dive down as he catches up, then drop my talons and hold my wings hard, putting on the brakes to I’m suddenly behind him. Then I’m up and on his back and pushing him down, just like has been done to me more times than I like to remember. But Callum knows what he’s doing. He flips mid-air and our talons catch. He grips on to mine so we’re spiraling out of control. The earth is rushing towards us. Unless he lets go of me there’s no way I can stop this. We’re going to smash into the ground. I shriek at him, but his responding caw sounds like a laugh. Our world is a hurricane of air and ground spinning around us. The only stable thing in my world right now is Callum and his screeching. I’m bracing myself for the hit, while still trying to tear my talons from Callum’s.
But then… I’m free and Callum is gone!
He’s released his hold on me turned his body and escaped into the sky. I’m so dizzy it takes me precious seconds to find the sky, but then I see it and point my face towards it as I furiously beat my wings. I’m swooping up from an impossible dive, my heart racing in my chest. Callum has shifted and landed. He and the Ravensgaard are cheering, well, all except for Iona. She’s got the Ravensgaard death look on her face, if that’s even a thing. I caw in delight, then transform into a human, and alight in front of Callum.
“Let’s do it again,” I grin up at him my chest heaving as I take in great gulps of air.
Callum’s laughter is music to my ears. “Let’s,” he says, grabbing my hand and pulling me into the sky.
Hours later I’m exhausted, but walking up to Zan’s house. I couldn’t just go home. Even though Roman said she wasn’t feeling well, I don’t think it’s her physical heal
th. The death of Zaragoza has got to weigh heavy on her, and who knows what’s going on between her and Aiden. He wasn’t at training today. Probably taking care of his dad or El Oso. Maybe both.
Zan’s house is a ramshackle yellow farmhouse at the top of the canyon opposite of the manor. Back in the day it must have been quite a stable compound, but now everything but the house is falling apart.
No one answers the door, which isn’t surprising, but I let myself in. “Zan!” I call. There’s no answer, but her door is open a crack, so she must know I’m here. I shuffle down the hall and peer in. Her walls are bare wood, it’s almost like the sanctuary; cool and earthy and dark. A big pile of blankets and pillows cover her low-lying futon, but there’s nothing else in the room. Zan is curled up in a wad of blankets and pillows that looks more like a rat’s nest that a teenage girl’s bed, or at least the pristine way my mother demands I leave bed every morning.
“Zan,” I murmur pressing into the room. She gazes up at me, her face puffy and swollen.
I sit down gingerly, not wanting to upset her fragile balance. My fingers reach for her arm, but she pulls it away before I get there. I close my mouth over the first words that come to mind. Are you okay? That would be the dumbest question ever, because clearly she’s not. It looks like she’s been crying for hours. And, Zan is not one who cries.
“I’m so sorry,” I say glancing around the room for the telltale signs of computer or book, but they are missing. There’s nothing open that she was even doing. She’s just sitting here in the dark, staring blankly into the distance. “I know you were the closest to him.”
Zan stares up at me, her face a blank bright red. “I think Aiden is seeing someone else.” Her voice is hoarse.
“What?” I squint at her. “Aiden wouldn’t do that. You’re just upset about, you know, about Zaragoza.” His name catches in my throat.
“This isn’t about Zaragoza,” Zan says. “Aiden is cheating on me.”
My throat constricts. He kissed me the other day… But – But – we didn’t – he didn’t cheat on her!
“Aiden wouldn’t do that,” I say. “It’s not like him. It’d be totally against his code of honor. You know how much he’s about discipline and doing the right thing.” I strain the words out and try to make them sound perfectly normal.
Zan rolls her eyes and looks skyward. “Come on, Shae. It’s all very good and well in the ballroom, and when he’s standing up in front of the eagles and the Ravensgaard. But, when he and Callum are hanging out he’s just a 16-year-old kid; just like the rest of us. I mean, come on… his hormones are going crazy. You remember how he almost kissed you back at the manor before we knew you were a shifter.”
Heat scorches my face. Even in the dark she would see it if she was looking at me. But, she’s not. She’s staring into a dark corner of her room.
“I – I –” The words stutter out of my mouth, but end weakly. I don’t even know what to say, but I’m her friend; I should be able to say something. I swallow hard. “Why do you think he’s cheating on you?” I ask.
“He’s just – He’s just not that into me like he was this summer,” Zan says. “Like this summer was so good and now…”
“There’s been a lot going on.” I stare at a corner of the room, too, like something is going to happen there. “He’s had a lot of responsibility with his dad and the Ravensgaard.”
“Come on, Shae, he’s a guy!” She holds her palms up in anguish.
“You can’t judge him based on his gender,” I say. Air fills my lungs slowly as I close my eyes. Did I kiss him the other night? I try to see some way to have it not be true, but it is true. I totally did kiss him.
“I’ve tried to spend even a little bit of time with him, but… nothing,” Zan keeps talking.
I put my arms around her shoulders trying to reassure her. The kiss didn’t mean anything. It was just a distraught moment between two friends who’d had a bad day.
“I think he’s just busy,” I murmur. “He’s focused on the things he needs to be handle. It’s not like his dad can help much. And, you’ve seen the influx of people. Don’t be so worried.”
“Well, yeah, that’s what I keep telling myself,” Zan says. “But, the other night, after, you know…”
I nod. I know. “Roman took you home,” I say.
“I couldn’t be home. I went for a run, a long run, and I ended up back at the manor.”
I frown. “You were at the manor that night?” I ask.
“Yeah, I wanted to go to the library to be around his books and get some more on Australia.”
The breath squeezes out of my lungs. No. Did she see Aiden kiss me? If she did –
“As I approached the door, even with the thick walls I could hear he was in there with a girl. I could hear them moving around on the leather couch.”
“Why didn’t you say anything yesterday?”
“I’ve been trying to come to terms with it,” she says. “In my way. I always knew it was doomed. I just didn’t think…it’d be with someone else.” She gives a wry smile. “It’s a bit hard on the ego.”
My face creases and body tenses ready for flight or fight. If Zan truly thinks I’m doing something with Aiden, she’ll turn coyote and attack. In this small room, it won’t take much to corner me. Even as a raven I won’t stand a chance. I brace my hands against the futon ready to spring.
“I opened the door and saw them,” Zan continues.
“You saw them?” I frown.
“Yeah,” Zan says. “Just as they were flying out the window. Aiden and Iona.”
“Iona?” My eyes open wide. She thinks I was Iona.
“The smell of testosterone was all over the room, like he’d been marking his territory.”
“Oh, Zan, I’m so sorry,” I murmur, cringing at the natural way I fall into the lie. I’m willing to pretend it’s Iona, too.
Zan takes a deep breath. “If he’s done with me, he’s done.” Her eyes glisten and my heart aches to tell her the truth, but I just can’t bear to. Everything inside me is set to explode.
“Every head turns when she walks in the room,” Zan says. “Even Callum, who’s her cousin and completely in love with you, can’t stop looking at her. Roman’s gaga over her. Aiden’s got a lot more self-control, but you can see the way he glances up and then quickly looks away when she’s there.”
“I don’t think Roman’s gaga over her,” I mutter.
“I’m sorry to dump all this on you,” she says. “It’s not your problem and not fair of me, it’s just – “
“Never be afraid to tell me what’s going on,” I cringe. If she confronts Iona, there’s no way Iona is going to stand for it. This is all going to blow up in my face at some point, but not tonight. I can’t tell her the truth tonight. We’re all too raw, too distraught and I’m too scared.
“I know,” Zan says, hugging me.
I hold her tight. “Hey, you were totally right about my dad,” I say.
She grunts. “I guess all the stress connected the little synapses in my brain and made sense of all the data I’d been collecting.”
“It’s pretty remarkable,” I say. “He said he’s finally going to tell me everything.”
“Wow,” Zan says. “Do you think he’d let me listen? Is he mad that I figured it out?”
“I don’t think so. He probably knew I had to find out some time. You just made that happen sooner than he expected. Look,” I smile, “I’ll tell him he has to tell all of us. We deserve to know.”
Zan looks doubtful. “I don’t know, Shae, he’s been keeping that secret a long time. I’m not sure he’s just going to be willing to tell all of us.”
I give her a huge squeeze. “I’m not going to give him a choice.”
16
It turns out to be a lot easier than I thought. I got home late from Zan’s and Dad was already asleep. But the next day when I told him I wanted him to share his story with all of us, he just nodded. He’d watched all of us grow up
together and knew that they would have my back whenever it was needed, so it was important they understand everything about me and my past. He also thought it would give them an insight into the full shifter world, not just the world we live in, the world of the Order.
His one caveat was that we hear the story by the fire pit in our yard, under the stars and the dark sky. One of the things that was super cool, is that he didn’t say they had to keep it a secret. It shows how well he knows them. He understands how many secrets they have already been keeping for me.
My friends show up just at twilight. Aiden, Callum, Zan and Roman. Zan is calm and friendly but keeping her distance from Aiden. Based on the confused look on his face, she clearly hasn’t spoken to him. She waits until he picks a camp chair to sit in around the fire pit, then choses one on the opposite side. I sit across from Dad, breathing in the homely scent of burning wood and fresh outdoors.
“We were a small group living in the outback,” Dad starts as we settle in. “A small group of Passiefs. Doves, crocs, and emus.”
“Crocodiles are Passiefs?” I frowned.
“You’d be surprised what shifters are friendly to humans.”
“Let me guess: kangaroos,” Roman says.
“No,” Dad says. “I don’t know any kangaroo shifters.”
“We had goanna,” he said. “But only the agile survived. Not the koalas, none of it. There were rumors that somewhere deep in the outback, there are some prehistoric shifters, like marsupial lions and carnivorous kangaroos, but those are just stories, like stories of the Dreamtime.”
“What’s the Dreamtime?” Callum asks.
“It’s the ancient aborigine belief in creation,” Dad says. “The time when the animals rose themselves up out of the ground and called themselves into existence. They claimed their right with the words ‘I am,’ then fill in the blank.”
“Huh?” Roman asks.
My dad raises his arms in the air and calls out, “I am wardarpi!”
“Wardarpi?” I say.
“It’s an aboriginal word for goanna,” he says.