by Laura Martin
‘I haven’t seen you shoot for years, Milton, but if school archery lessons were any indication I think I would end up with an arrow in my eye.’
‘Or somewhere else,’ Lord Hauxton murmured so only she could hear.
‘Shall we shoot, Miss Yaxley?’
Caroline hobbled over to the line that had been marked on the grass, setting her cane down when she could pretend to have a stable base. Behind her she felt the presence of Lord Hauxton and James, the two men who were causing her so much heartache.
Trying to clear her mind, she notched the first arrow, letting out a deep breath as she let the arrow fly. It hit the target, but only just.
Without looking round she notched her second arrow, aimed and fired. This one went completely wide, disappearing into the undergrowth. As she picked up her third and final arrow she felt a movement in the air behind her. Even without turning she knew it was James. There was something in the way her body reacted whenever he was near and now it seemed intensified, as if her subconscious was crying out for her to fall into his arms.
‘You’re twisting your body as you shoot,’ he said into her ear. He was standing close, too close for propriety, and she wouldn’t be the only one who’d noticed. Even so she didn’t move, her body rooted to the spot, acutely aware of even the most minuscule of his movements.
Making everything a hundred times worse, he laced an arm around her body, pulling her gently until her position was directly at right angles to the target.
‘Try like this and keep your hips straight as you fire the arrow.’
Caroline inhaled and raised the bow, but her hands were shaking too much for her to even attempt to aim. She let the bow drop again and took a shuddering step back. Only then did she force herself to look at James. Her heart skipped a beat, its rhythm erratic in her chest as she raked her eyes all the way up from his toes to his face. He was the same James, the same man she’d loved for five years, giving her the same reassuring smile. It was as if nothing had changed.
For him it hasn’t.
They might have spent the night together, but for him nothing else had changed radically. He still cared for her as a friend, still desired her as he had for a while, but there was no monumental shift in his feelings.
‘Lord Hauxton,’ Caroline called, her voice wavering. ‘Would you be so kind as to accompany me for a short walk around the garden?’
James nodded as she spoke, as if agreeing she needed to speak to Lord Hauxton.
‘Of course, Miss Yaxley. Would you like to lean on my arm?’
Chapter Twenty-One
It was bitterly cold, but the sky was clear and the sun cast a watery light over the frost that lingered on the grass. Caroline pulled the hood of her cloak further forward on her hair, glad of the thick boots and gloves she had put on before venturing out.
‘You look troubled, Miss Yaxley,’ Lord Hauxton said as they rounded the corner into the neat rose garden. Only the spiky stems of the rose bushes remained, biding their time before they sprung to life again in the spring.
‘Caroline. I think by now we know each other well enough for you to use my given name.’
‘Caroline.’ He smiled at her, although there was a hint of sadness to his expression as if he knew what was to come. ‘And I am Thomas, although my family all called me Tom.’
He really was a good man, a kind man. The sort of man she would have been lucky to marry. There was no doubt in her mind that he would be a good husband, a good father, he was just not the man for her.
‘You’ve been very kind to me these last few weeks,’ Caroline said. ‘I will always remember that.’ She took a deep breath. No one taught you how to turn down a proposal from a gentleman. With Lord Mottringham it had been easier, with the older man already assuming that was what she was going to say. Lord Hauxton, Thomas, would be shocked by her refusal given that up until a couple of days ago she had been convinced she would marry him.
‘There is something we must discuss,’ she continued, feeling the nerves building inside her. ‘I...’
He held up a hand and slowly shook his head with a smile that she was sure was meant to reassure her.
‘Come sit.’ They made their way over to a wrought-iron bench facing the colourless rose garden. Only once they were sitting did he speak again. ‘I do not want you to distress yourself, Caroline. I am well aware of what your answer will have to be.’
‘My answer?’
‘I know you cannot marry me.’
Caroline studied his face, wondering at how calm he seemed, as if he had known for a long time what she had only concluded last night.
‘How did you know?’
‘Caroline,’ he said indulgently, ‘you’re in love with Heydon. I’ve known it ever since we danced together that first night at the Tevershams’ ball, but for a while I told myself that it didn’t matter.’
She nodded. He was an astute man and it seemed she wasn’t as good at hiding her feelings as she had once thought.
‘You two should be together. Love is important, perhaps not as important as kindness and compassion in a marriage, but important none the less.’
A cold chill swept through her body and she quickly shook her head. ‘We won’t be together,’ she said quietly. ‘That’s not why I’m saying no.’
Milton frowned. Leaning in a little to her, he took her hand, but whereas a few days ago it might have been a romantic gesture, now it was one purely of friendship and support.
‘You two are meant to be together, even a grumpy old cynic like me can see that.’
‘He doesn’t love me,’ she said quietly.
‘Of course he does. You can see it in everything he does.’
‘He loves me as a friend, but he believes in true love, in two people being fated to be together, and he doesn’t love me in that way.’
Lord Hauxton sat without saying anything for a minute as if trying to digest this piece of news about his friend.
‘He’s told you that?’
‘Not in so many words, but I know. I know him and I know what he believes in.’
‘These past couple of weeks he hasn’t been able to keep his eyes off you...’ Lord Hauxton paused before adding with a smile, ‘Or his hands.’
It was a rare man who could speak about this so openly with the woman whom up until very recently he had been courting.
‘You saw that?’
‘It was hard to miss. Heydon takes every opportunity to touch you, to brush away the hair from your face or run his fingers across your arm. I am a naturally observant man, but I don’t think I am the only one who noticed.’
She realised it had been foolish to think the change in their behaviour would have gone unnoticed when the ton was intrigued by their relationship.
‘I think he has seen me in a different way these last few weeks,’ she agreed, ‘as a woman and not just as his friend, but not as the woman he’s in love with.’
‘He’s a fool.’
‘You’re kind to say so, but perhaps I am the fool. For thinking, for hoping, his feelings might change when they haven’t wavered in five years.’
‘I feel angry on your behalf, Caroline. He doesn’t know how lucky he is...’ Lord Hauxton paused. ‘So you are not going to marry me, but you’re not marrying him either?’
Caroline let out a little sigh and sat back against the cold rails of the bench. It was hard to explain her reasoning behind the decision she was making, but it felt like the right one all the same.
‘A few weeks ago I decided that I would move on with my life, stop pining after a man who was never going to feel the same about me as I did about him. I decided I wanted a husband, a family, a future that wasn’t filled with an empty house and loneliness.’ She didn’t want to look up, knowing she would see the inevitable pity in his eyes. ‘I was resolved, determined, certain I could pu
t the unrequited love behind me and find someone who wanted to spend their life with me as their wife.’
‘And you did, so what changed?’
‘It’s not fair, not on you or any other man. I love James, I think I will always love James and you deserve more than a woman who is still pining for another man.’
‘Have you told him?’ Lord Hauxton’s words were blunt and to the point, much like the man himself.
‘Told him what?’
‘That you love him. That you’ve always loved him, that you spend your days with him always in the forefront of your mind.’
‘No.’
‘Don’t you think you both deserve that honesty?’
Caroline felt a rush of nerves at the idea of admitting to James that their whole relationship had been a lie, that she had felt more for him than friendship all along.
‘I know he doesn’t feel the same.’
‘Give him the chance to hear what you say and see how he reacts. See what he decides to do.’
‘I couldn’t...’
Lord Hauxton took her hand and waited until she had stopped fidgeting and was looking directly at him.
‘You could. In fact, I think you have to. One way or another this is all coming to a conclusion. Your relationship is never going to be the same again. Heydon should know the truth of what you feel and you deserve a frank discussion with the man you love about whether you have a future together.’
Caroline felt another surge of nerves at the idea of telling James the depth of her feelings, but even so she wondered if Lord Hauxton might be right. If she was going to walk away from the man she loved, perhaps it was only fair she tell him how she felt first of all.
‘And he might surprise you,’ Lord Hauxton said, giving her one last smile. ‘Now I am going to make my excuses to the Wellingtons and leave you in peace. I do hope it works out for you, Caroline, and if it doesn’t remember you will always have a friend in me.’
‘Thank you for being so understanding, most men wouldn’t have been.’
He shrugged. ‘Emily was the good one in our marriage, the patient one, the kind one. When she died I vowed to try to be more like her in as many ways as possible.’
‘You don’t talk about her much.’
Lord Hauxton inclined his head. ‘People think I should have mourned and moved on in three years, but the truth is...’ he spread out his hands ‘... I doubt I will ever move on, not like people want me to.’
‘You will marry again?’
‘I will. One day. I’m sure the right match will present itself. Until then I will continue to play the part of the grumpy widower.’
‘I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out between us,’ Caroline said softly.
‘Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t meant to be. Just don’t throw away your happiness without knowing for sure exactly what you are doing. And consider whether it really would be awful to live with the man you love even if he doesn’t love you in quite the same way.’ Lord Hauxton stood, giving her one last friendly smile, then strode away.
Caroline exhaled slowly and sank back into the bench. The metal was cold even through her cloak and dress, but she needed a few minutes before she even tried to move. Lord Hauxton had been more than reasonable. He’d been kind and understanding. She shook her head—she was probably a fool to let him go, but it would have been unfair to him. This way he would mourn his late wife a little longer and then find a young lady who truly wanted to be his wife, someone perfectly matched to him.
‘And what about you?’ she murmured to herself. Lord Hauxton was right. She needed to sit down with James and tell him how she really felt about him, the whole painful truth. She had to admit how long and how deeply she’d loved him and then she had to ask him how he felt about her. Even just the idea of the conversation was making her heart flutter nervously in her chest, but it was necessary. Only then would she be able to ask the last question, the one that really mattered, the one that would decide her future.
Closing her eyes, she tried to work out what James’s answer would be. She would ask him if he still believed in true love, the sort of love that hit you when you first laid eyes on someone else, the love reserved for those fated to be together. She would know by his reaction what he believed. And if he did...well, then she would ask him what would happen if the woman he was meant to be with came along after she and James were married.
‘Courage,’ she muttered to herself. She needed courage to talk to James, but also to make the right decision at the end of it.
Chapter Twenty-Two
James picked up one of the black eye masks laid out on the table at the entrance to the ballroom and secured it at the back of his head. Dozens of masks were laid out, black for the men, beautiful white and gold for the women. All the same, all designed to make everyone anonymous and give the night a magical feel.
He disliked masquerade balls. In his experience everyone still knew who everyone else was, but just used it as an excuse to behave as they wouldn’t normally. Tonight would be a little different. There were the dozen or so house guests, but everyone else had been invited from the village and local area, meaning James wouldn’t know who many of them were. Not that he had eyes for anyone but Caroline.
She’d been acting strangely all day. First her cool behaviour at breakfast and then when she had disappeared off into the gardens with Milton and never reappeared. He had expected her to let Milton know she wouldn’t be accepting his proposal and then to seek him out and they would be able to announce their engagement. Instead Milton had made a hasty exit from the house party, but Caroline had disappeared and no amount of searching on his part had revealed where she was hiding.
‘There you are,’ he murmured, catching sight of Caroline sitting on a chair at the periphery of the ballroom, mask fixed firmly over her eyes and walking cane tapping on the floor in time to the music. She looked stunning, with her golden hair falling over her shoulders in loose waves, the top half pinned back with sapphire-topped hairpins and the bottom half free to curl down her back. Her dress was a bright pale blue with a silver ribbon and silver embroidery along the hem. It skimmed over her body, hinting at the woman beneath, but not giving much away.
‘Cara, you look lovely,’ he said as he came and took the seat beside her. She looked at him and immediately he knew she’d been crying. Even though her cheeks were dry and her face immaculate, there was a slight pink tinge to her eyes that he noticed immediately. ‘What’s happened?’
‘Nothing. I...’ She trailed off, then looked at him, seeming to need to summon her courage. ‘We need to talk.’ It sounded ominous and James frowned. Surely nothing could go wrong now. They had overcome their doubts about one another and they certainly knew they were a good fit physically as well as emotionally.
‘Tell me what’s wrong, Cara.’
‘Not here. Not with everyone watching.’
‘Where then?’
‘The garden. We can get to it from the terrace behind the dining room. I’ll go first, you join me in ten minutes.’
‘You’re worrying me.’
She smiled at him weakly. ‘We just need that talk, that’s all.’
‘Ten minutes,’ he agreed, then reluctantly bowed and walked away. Ten minutes was a long time when you felt your future might be hanging in the balance. He strolled about the ballroom, careful not to be dragged into any conversations. He wanted to be able to leave without any fuss, he wasn’t about to let himself get distracted by some aimless ballroom chatter.
Resisting the urge to lift his watch out of his pocket every few seconds, he resorted instead to counting in his head, only allowing himself to glance at the time after he had counted to five hundred.
‘Close enough,’ he murmured, then slipped out of the ballroom, walking purposefully so no one would suspect he was heading to a secret liaison.
As he made his way
through the house he tried to think of all the things Caroline could possibly want to say to him, her expression so sombre. Perhaps she had decided to marry Milton after all, or perhaps she had just decided she didn’t want to marry him.
You haven’t asked her. Surely she knew they would get married, she knew what sort of man he was, knew he wouldn’t spend a night with her without marrying her after. Still, he hadn’t proposed again after last night, just assumed they both thought the same thing.
‘Poorly done,’ he murmured to himself. Although easily fixed. He would ask her again tonight, make sure it was one of the first things he said.
After making sure no one was watching, he slipped inside the dining room, allowing his eyes a moment to adjust to the darkness, then headed for the doors on to the terrace. He must have been walking quietly as Caroline didn’t turn as he approached and he took a minute just to watch her.
Here was the woman he’d spent the most time with ever. From companionable strolls in the park to waltzes in the ballrooms of London. He knew her better than he knew anyone else, she was the one he looked forward to coming home to.
Standing in the moonlight, she looked ethereal, the soft light from the sky reflecting off the blue of her dress and making her shimmer.
‘Cara,’ he said, watching the fluid movement as she spun to face him, his heart sinking as he saw the tears on her face. ‘What’s the matter?’ Immediately he was by her side, enveloping her in his arms, pulling her close to his body. At first she was unyielding, but after a couple of seconds she relaxed into him, her body slowly losing its rigidity.
For a moment she just let him hold her, then she took a shuddering breath and stepped back.
‘I’ve got something difficult to say to you.’
Caroline watched James’s expression, wondering if she would have the strength to tell him the truth. For five years she’d hidden her feelings and in a few seconds everything would be out in the open. It was a daunting thought.