How was I supposed to even start a conversation like this?
Nathan wrapped his hands around mine, covering my fingers with his palms. I looked up at him, his expression concerned, but sincere.
"You can tell me anything," he said.
"I never meant to keep anything from you," I said. "I just don't like to talk about it."
His brow furrowed, but he nodded, ready to hear my story.
"Remember when I told you I was sick a lot as a kid?" I asked. "It wasn't just a passing illness."
Nathan cocked his head, listening intently.
"I have a congenital heart defect," I said in a rush, getting the words out before I could talk myself out of it. "It was bad when I was younger."
"How bad?" Nathan asked in a hushed voice.
"They didn't think I'd make it passed my tenth birthday."
Nathan's eyes went wide as his hands squeezed down on mine.
"Oh my god, Becca…"
"That's why I missed out on a lot," I explained. "I had to have surgery to fix my heart when I was just a baby. Then it was needing regular valve transplants. I was in and out of hospitals all the time. It wasn't just because of surgeries, although that was a big part. There were also just so many tests and things. They had to monitor me constantly."
I could almost smell the antiseptic hospital odor in my nose, making my sinuses burn. I could hear the constant beeping of the monitors, could feel the little heartbeat sensor clip on my index finger. I could feel the scratchy bed sheets against my skin, rubbing and chafing.
But that was only the beginning of the story.
"I hadn't gone to a movie theatre until high school," I told him.
He sat up straight in his chair, alarmed. "Were you in the hospital the entire time?"
"No," I replied. "It wasn't that bad. But they were always worried about me catching something if I went out in public, afraid that the smallest bug would turn into pneumonia or something worse."
I remembered fighting with my parents, wanting to go watch the latest summer blockbuster. They'd refused. They were apologetic about it, trying to spare my feelings by throwing our own in-home movie party. My mom made homemade popcorn and we huddled up together under blankets on the sofa. I appreciated their efforts but it wasn't the same.
"I couldn't go to sleepovers," I continued. "Not just because of the worry about germs, but because I couldn't go anywhere overnight. I wasn't able to keep on enough weight and they had to get extra calories into me somehow, so I was fed through a feeding tube every night."
Nathan's face went pale.
"Like those tubes that go through your nose and into your stomach?" he asked. "Those things are awful."
"It wasn't as bad as that. It was a gastrostomy tube, not a nasogastric tube."
Nathan looked confused, trying to figure out the difference.
"I got fed through a tube in my stomach," I explained. "It went on for years. At first it was every night. Then every other night. Then once a week. Eventually I was able to keep enough weight on myself. But it meant I missed out a lot of opportunities."
"Shit, Becca, I can't believe you went through all that," Nathan murmured, his hands tightening against mine.
"I couldn't just hug my dad when he got home from work," I continued. "He needed to take a full shower, washing before he could even touch me. They didn't want him to get me sick through the germs he'd picked up outside."
Almost all memories of my father from childhood included the scent of his soap and aftershave. I'd never been able to run to the door and greet him, throw my arms around him and give him a welcome home hug. I always had to wait until he was done cleaning up.
"Every time I catch the smallest cold or flu I get terrified it's going to turn into pneumonia and go straight to my chest. I can't even sneeze or cough without feeling some sort of anxiety. I know other kids play sick to stay home from school, but that was never an option for me. Being sick had real potential consequences."
"Becca, I am so sorry." Nathan's expression was pained. "I can't even imagine how tough it must have been, going through all that for so many years. Never being able to do the things everyone else is doing…" Horror dawned on his face. "Is that why you got sick when we went zorbing? Oh shit, you joked that you couldn't even handle roller coasters. Fuck, I never should have—"
I shook my head, not wanting him to freak out.
"It's okay," I told him. "The zorbing thing was just because I hadn't known what to expect and I got spooked. Luckily, science has outpaced my illness. There are new advances every day. Things have gotten better. I can go outside now, obviously. The only problem I have with roller coasters is that they make me nauseous. And sleepovers are no longer a problem."
I flashed him what I hoped was a flirtatious smile, wanting to lighten the mood. He gave me a weak smile back, before his expression turned somber again.
"But it isn't all over yet," I said, needing him to know the full truth. "Not completely. I still need to go for checkups. I still need to take medicine. And there's always going to be a risk of something going terribly wrong. I have to live with that. And so does everyone else in my life. That's why my parents still worry so much."
"That's why they're so overprotective," he murmured.
Nathan sat back in his chair, his hands drifting from mine to rest on the table. His gaze went unfocused, as if trying to take everything in.
"I'm sorry I never told you," I said. "But everyone always treats me differently when they find out. My first boyfriend broke up with me because of it. I had a scare and needed to go for an echocardiogram. Sometimes they can take twenty minutes, sometimes they can take more than a hour. I'd asked him to come with me. I wanted the support. But he couldn't handle it. It scared him, I think. He didn't want to think about what might happen if something really was wrong."
"But you're okay now, right?" Nathan asked almost desperately.
"I'm… better," I hedged. "I might never be totally okay. My heart is never going to be one hundred percent. But I've gone through procedures to fix some of the problems, and they've been a success."
A relieved looked crossed his face.
"The risk of me dropping dead at any minute is slim to none," I quipped.
The expression on his face was so heartbreaking, I immediately backtracked.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I know a joke or two isn't going to make this any easier."
He sat silently for a minute, his eyes looking off at a point in the distance. I didn't say anything else, just let him absorb everything I'd told him.
I also needed a moment to compose myself. I'd never spoken to anyone in such detail about my life before. Laying it all out there like that made me realize just how unusual my childhood had been. I'd always known my experiences were different from other people's, but now I really understood just how stark that contrast was.
"I know this is a lot to take in," I told him.
He nodded absentmindedly, eyes still glazed over, as if lost in thought.
"And I also understand if this changes things." I tried to keep the disappointment and regret from my voice, tried to sound matter-of-fact, as I shifted to get up and leave. "I can leave you alone to—"
Nathan put a hand on my arm.
"Don't go," he said.
His eyes met mine, clear and bright. I sat back down.
"Thank you for telling me all of this," he said. "I know it must not have been easy."
"It's a bit of a relief to get to tell someone," I told him honestly. "Aside from my parents, no one else really knows what I've gone through. I never wanted anyone to know. I never wanted anyone to treat me differently."
"I get that." Nathan went quiet. Our coffees had long since gone cold. He looked to me. "I promise, I won't treat you any differently because of this."
My heart lifted.
The conversation had gone much better than I'd expected. Nathan had listened patiently, had asked a few questions, and with only minimal freakin
g out. I'd worried he wouldn't be able to accept something as serious as my condition.
But he had. He hadn't run away.
Maybe I'd been wrong this whole time.
Maybe Nathan was exactly the type of person I could rely on.
19
"You said the only problem with roller coasters was that they made you nauseous, right?" Nathan asked.
"Does this have something to do with why you kidnapped me after work, made me put on a blindfold and drove me halfway across the city?"
"It might," he said in a sing-song voice.
"And here I thought you were up to something kinky."
"Don't tempt me." I felt his hand on my upper thigh, squeezing and kneading. "So. Rollercoasters? You're okay to go on them, even with your heart defect?"
"The doctors gave me the all clear years ago," I told him. "I just avoid them now because they make me feel like puking."
"Problem solved."
Nathan pulled off my blindfold with a grin. I blinked as bright lights filled my vision. He thrust a little cardboard box in my face before I could process where we were. I took it from him and skimmed the wording on the packaging.
"Immediate motion sickness relief," I read out loud. I looked up and registered what was outside the car window.
We were at a small, local amusement park. Nothing big, just a few carnival games and rides, but in the middle of the entire affair was a tall, twisty dragon-themed roller coaster.
I looked to Nathan. "Did you…?"
"I told the pharmacist I was looking for something for a friend who gets sick on roller coasters. She recommended this." Nathan nodded to the box in my hand. "It's a little patch you put behind your ear. I don't know how it works, but it's supposed to be the good stuff." Nathan had a hopeful little smile on his face.
I had no idea how anyone could ever think this man was anything other than genuine, thoughtful and sweet.
"You up for it?" Nathan asked. "I know I kind of sprung this on you."
"I'm so up for it," I told him. "I haven't been on a roller coaster in years. The last time I went on one, I spent hours moaning and retching into a wastebasket."
"How pleasant." He grinned at me and held out his hand. "Shall we?"
The line up to get tickets was long, but before I could get in the queue, Nathan surprised me by shaking his head.
"I've already got tickets." He held up a handful he'd grabbed from his pocket. "I came here earlier while you were at work and bought some so we wouldn't have to wait."
My heart melted a little in my chest.
"Is there anything you haven't already thought of?" I asked.
"Well, I was going to smuggle in some booze in a water bottle, but I figured I should play it on the safe side."
I laughed and hugged his arm. He put it around my waist, pulling me close. I snuggled down into his side.
The line up for the dragon coaster wasn't that long. It was a weeknight, which meant fewer park patrons.
When the ride operator motioned for us to get on, I hesitated a moment. My doctors said roller coasters were now fine, but who could ever really know for sure?
"You okay?" Nathan murmured. "We don't have to if you don't want to."
I gathered myself and took a step onto the ride, seating myself on the wooden bench. I patted the space next to me. Nathan scooted in and put his arm back around me.
The ride jolted forward. I gripped the bar in front of me with a tight, white-knuckled grip.
"If I end up throwing up anyway, it's all on you," I told him. "You'll have to be the one taking care of me and listening to me moan and puke all night."
He pressed a hand to his heart. "I swear, if you start reenacting The Exorcist, I'll be there to hold your hair back and fetch you water."
The ride met its first downward spiral. As we soared through the air, my stomach did flips and my pulse raced, but it was only in excitement. There was no irregular heartbeat, no motion sickness. Just pure, adrenaline-filled fun. I whooped and screamed and threw my hands up in the air along with everyone else, laughing and shrieking at the same time.
After what seemed like forever, the ride slowed and came back to the starting point. My hair was disheveled and messed up. My breathing came in fits and starts. I clasped my hand over my mouth to stifle hysterical giggling, my eyes full of tears.
Nathan's grin faded when he saw me.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I took a deep, gulping breath. "Let's go again!"
I totally understand now why he craved that rush. It was thrilling. It was intoxicating.
But not nearly as intoxicating as Nathan's ear to ear smile. It was like golden sunshine raining down, lighting up every dark place inside of me.
There was no way I could feel worried or afraid with that smile aimed at me.
Three more turns on the dragon later and I was completely done.
"No more," I groaned. "I might not feel like puking, but my head is spinning and I think I'm starting to get a headache."
"Let's go do something a little more relaxed," he suggested. "There's this cool gondola ride. It like a Ferris wheel cabin, but it slowly ziplines you from one end of the park all the way down to the other."
We stopped to get a bucket of popcorn along the way and took it to the ride. Since we already had the tickets, it was no trouble walking straight up and getting on one of the leisurely-moving cabins.
Once we'd settled in next to each other, thighs pressed together and ankles tangled, I finally felt my rapid pulse start to slow down.
"So how close was the rush of that dragon ride to the rush of being onstage?" I asked.
"Not even one percent," he said. "It takes a lot to compare to being on stage. Very few things match it."
"Sex being one of them?" I teased.
"Sex with the right person."
He took my hand in his, bringing our conjoined hands onto his lap. His thumb played with mine absentmindedly, like a game of thumb war without winners or losers.
"I'm happy you told me about your condition," he said quietly. "It would have been awful, making you do all these things without knowing how bad it might be for you."
"Please don't feel like that," I said. "You aren't making me do anything. I liked zorbing. I loved the roller coaster. I… like just being with you."
Nathan brought my hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to my knuckles. He used his other hand to cup my face. He looked into my eyes.
"I like being with you, too," he said.
Our faces inched closer together until our lips finally touched.
It was the first time we'd kissed since that night after the concert. It felt like ages ago. It felt like yesterday. His touch was familiar, as if we'd been kissing each other our whole lives.
His tongue brushed mine, seeking entrance. I opened to him, letting him slip past my lips. The kiss deepened, our breaths turning heavy.
He tugged me to him until I was practically sitting in his lap. I completed the motion, turning until I was straddling him, both knees to either side of his hips.
The shifted weight sent the small cabin tilting precariously, almost toppling us over. I clung to his shoulders as Nathan caught me before I could fall off him and onto the floor. We laughed into each other's mouths as our kiss broke.
"Maybe we should wait until we're somewhere safer," Nathan said.
"Where's your sense of adventure?"
"Or somewhere more private." He lifted an eyebrow and nodded to the cabin behind us.
An older couple was looking at us, scandalized. I waved to them. They looked away in a huff. Nathan chuckled.
"I'm a bad influence on you," he said.
"You are," I agreed. "I was a model daughter before I met you. Now look at me, sneaking off on dates with a boy and making out in public." I tsked and shook my head mockingly. "Look what you've turned me into."
"I could turn you into a lot worse," he said, voice lowering. "There's so many bad things I'd like
to do to you."
My insides fluttered, turning hot and achey.
"And what exactly would those things be?" I asked, pressing closer until our hips fit together.
He brought his lips to my ear and murmured. "You remember that blindfold?"
I let out a small whimper as my inner muscles clenched.
"It comes with matching handcuffs," he added.
"Oh god…" I breathed. "Really?"
He nipped on my ear. "Really."
And for the second time in my life, I said words I never thought I'd hear myself say.
"Then let's get out of here."
20
The ride back simmered with sexual tension.
Nathan's grip on the steering wheel was almost as tight as my grip had been on the roller coaster safety bar. The leather squeaked under his hands as he flexed his fingers.
I was a bit disappointed his one hand wasn't resting on my thigh like it had been on the way here. But with the swift way he zipped between cars, having both hands on the wheel was probably a good idea.
"Don't kill us in an accident on our way there," I told him.
Nathan's eyes flicked to mine with an indulgent smile before quickly returning to the road.
"I'm following the speed limit."
But he was also doing his damnedest to get us home ASAP.
I sat back in the passenger seat. Nathan wasn't the only one full of anticipation. My skin was buzzing with the thought of what was going to happen when he got back to his place.
Blindfolds. Handcuffs. And who knew what else.
A shivery feeling took hold inside me. I'd never done anything that daring before. My sexual experience was limited. Hopefully when we got back to his place that would all change. I just had to make it until then without dying of sexual frustration.
Or… maybe I didn't have to wait.
A naughty little thought entered my mind. Nathan had to keep both hands on the steering wheel, but mine were free.
I clenched the hem of my skirt in both hands, wondering if I was really going to do this.
I lifted the skirt up a few inches. Nathan didn't notice. I lifted it even higher, until it was just barely covering the tops of my thighs. Nathan's eyes were still on the road.
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