I turned to face my parents. Their faces immediately became concerned.
"Honey, what's wrong?" my dad said. "Are you okay?"
"Are you feeling well?" my mom asked urgently. "Is something—"
"I'm fine," I said quietly.
"What's wrong?" she repeated. "Why are you crying?"
I exhaled a shaky breath and opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.
Her lips pressed in a firm line. "It's that boy, isn't it?"
"Grace, don't start," my father said, holding up a hand. He turned sad eyes to me. "Honey, I'm upset you didn't think to tell me about this boy you're dating."
"I figured Mom would tell you," I murmured.
"I would have preferred to hear it from you directly," he said.
"I'm sorry." I shook my head. "It doesn't matter now, anyway."
My dad stared at me, then sighed deeply. "Does that mean it's over?"
Fresh tears filled my eyes. "Yes."
My mom tsked. "I knew he was going to hurt you—"
"Grace…" my dad said in a warning tone. "She doesn't need to hear an I told you so."
My mom frowned at him before turning back to me. "Honey, I know you're sad, but this is for the best."
"I know!" I cried. "Don't you think I know that? I'm the one who broke up with him."
They both looked surprised.
"I know it's for the best," I said, my breath hitching. "I know how much you guys have given up for me and I didn't want to do that to him so I broke it off. He was the best thing to ever happen to me and I threw it away. I'm going to be alone forever. Are you happy now?"
My mom's face softened, pity filling her eyes. "Becca, you're not alone. You have us."
I let out a derisive laugh. "You mean I have two parents who are constantly sniping at each other and fighting behind my back and smothering me and treating me like I'm still a child."
I was yelling by the end, but I still saw the pained look on their faces, shock and hurt and guilt.
"Knowing I made the right decision doesn't make it hurt any less," I bit out. "So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to the basement apartment I had to fight for permission to live in and cry my eyes out."
I whirled around and stomped back down the stairs, slamming the door behind me.
I did exactly what I told my parents I was going to do. I sat on the sofa, buried in a pile of blankets, tears burning as they fell from my eyes.
I knew I couldn't put my burdens on Nathan. I cared about him too much to do that to him. It wasn't fair.
But…
It wasn't just that I cared about him.
I loved him.
I was in love with Nathan Walker.
I hadn't been exaggerating when I said he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.
And I really had thrown it away.
It felt like I cried for hours, days, weeks. I cried so long I eventually ran out of tears, until all I could do was stare blankly at the wall and will myself to stop feeling.
That iceberg inside my stomach was on a collision course to my heart.
I knew if I let it, it would completely decimate every piece of me.
31
I sleepwalked through the next week. My body went through the motions, but my brain had gone on hiatus. I made affirmative noises when people talked to me and gave appropriate responses using simple syllables when they asked me questions. I managed to ring up customers at the pet shop and point when they needed to know where something was. That was the closest I came to being functional.
"Hey, are you feeling all right?" my coworker asked. "You've been out of it all day, and I'm about to finish my shift. Are you going to be okay by yourself until close?"
"I'll be fine," I replied, but I didn't give any more than that.
She shot me an odd look, but shrugged, taking off her store-branded apron and tossing it behind the counter. "Okay. I'll see you next shift, then."
"Right."
She left and I was finally alone in the store. Alone with my own thoughts.
I busied myself by cleaning up the cash register area, tidying and dusting, wiping down the counter, until the entire area was sparkling clean. Then I grabbed another fresh cloth and did it all over again.
The door jingled.
A small part of me panicked, the way it always did now whenever someone walked through the door. What if it was Nathan? Hadn't that happened last time around closing? He'd shown up out of the blue.
I forced myself to calm down and turn toward the entrance.
I was completely taken aback when I saw a striking young woman with dark, dramatic makeup and a leather skirt standing in the pet shop.
"Can I help you?" I asked, my customer service instinct kicking in despite my uncertainty.
She smiled at me. "Oh, good, this is the right one."
I blinked at her.
"I went to all the pet stores in the area," she said. "Of course yours ended up being the last one I checked."
I looked at the woman, befuddled, eyeing her knee-high lace-up leather boots.
"Oh!" she laughed. "I forgot. Usually I'm in jeans and t-shirts, but I just came straight from work. It's me, Jessie. Gael's girlfriend."
"Where the hell do you work to dress like that?" I blurted out.
"A dive bar," she said with a wink. "The hot biker chick thing gets me a lot of tips."
The situation was so out of the ordinary, my brain had kickstarted out of its moping.
"Why are you here?" I asked.
The smile on her face faded, turning serious. She came over to the cash register. With her on one side, me on the other and the counter in the middle, it was like an odd standoff.
"I'm here to ask what happened with Nathan," she said.
My heart thumped loudly.
"What's there to say?" I replied. "We broke up."
"You stomped on his heart," she corrected, although her tone was gentle and not accusing.
I lowered my eyes.
"But that's not why I'm here," she said. "Can I ask you about something else?"
I hesitated long enough for her to power on.
"Do you know why Nathan's been so out of it lately?" she asked. "He's always disappearing and he's cagey about where he's going. At first we thought he was sneaking off to see you, but usually when he comes back from seeing a girl he has this smug look on his face. He only looks more worried when he shows back up."
It was the same sort of questions Julian had asked me at that party. I didn't answer then, and I wasn't going to answer now. I clamped my mouth shut and darted my eyes away.
"So you do know," she said with a satisfied nod. "You know something about him that even Gael doesn't know. Which means Nathan trusts you." Jessie sighed and leaned heavily against the counter. "Look," she said. "There's something wrong with him. Even before you broke up with him, he was acting strange. We're all worried."
I bit my lip. Nathan had his reasons for not telling his band about his sick mother. He'd told me before that he didn't want to worry them, didn't want to distract them from the album.
But now I knew the real reason.
He was afraid the same thing that happened with his old band would happen with Cherry Lips. He worried they'd think he wasn't committed and they'd kick him out.
But now, without me there, Nathan had no one. He had no support. He was dealing with it all by himself.
I could still remember that time I'd seen Nathan at the hospital cafeteria. His back had been to me, but I saw his shoulders heaving, could see the shake of his hands as he clenched his coffee. I could see his red-rimmed eyes, could hear that hitch of his breath.
My heart ached for him even now.
If I hadn't shown up, how long would he have sat there, miserable and alone?
"Whatever's wrong with him," Jessie said, interrupting my thoughts, "we all just want to help. We love the guy. That band is like family."
Family.
Family wo
uldn't turn their backs on each other, would they?
"Do you know what happened with Nathan and his old band?" I asked.
"He left them to join Cherry Lips, didn't he? Why are you asking?" Jessie's mouth popped open in horror. "Is Nathan talking about leaving the band or something?"
"No! No, not at all."
She breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, good. It would destroy Gael if that happened. The other guys, too. Not to mention, Cerise would be crazy upset and freaking out."
"Really?" I asked, curious now. "Why?"
"Because he's a genius," Jessie said. "Cerise looked long and hard to find someone who could play guitar better than her. She hates to admit it, but that's Nathan Walker. The band would be missing something really special if they lost him."
"He is special," I agreed.
Jessie raised an eyebrow at me. "Then why did you break up with him?"
I folded my arms over my chest defensively, feeling like I was being interrogated for committing some heinous crime.
"That's a really personal question," I said.
"I know it is," she said. "But I'm asking it anyway."
"Things were just never going to work out between us," I said. "I needed to break it off."
"Needed to?" She jumped on the words. "Why would you need to?"
"I don't have to explain myself to you."
She nodded slowly. "No. You're right. You don't. But I've never seen him act like this before. He's like a zombie. He barely speaks. Barely eats. He looks like he hadn't slept in a week. Gael's freaking out. The band's freaking out."
Guilt threatened to eat me alive.
"I'm sorry about that," I said. "I really am."
"I just need to know one thing," she said. "Was it something he did?"
"God no!" I blurted out. "No! Never. It was all me."
She raised an eyebrow. "Did you give him the, it's not you, it's me, speech?"
I looked away, unable to meet her eyes.
"I'm not saying you should reconsider," she told me. "I'm just saying, I've never seen Nathan broken up like this before."
"I'm sure he'll get over it in time."
"I don't know what your reason was for breaking up with him," she said, "but it better have been a damned good one. Because right now, it looks like he's going through hell."
Jessie gave me one last sad look before walking out the front door.
I didn't do my usual routine of scouring the store for misplaced merchandise. I stood behind the cash register, not bothering to greet customers. Only two people came in and left shortly. I was alone in the store for the next hour.
I stared at the cat-shaped clock on the opposite wall, seconds ticking away, waiting until I could close up and go home. Until I could wrap myself up in my blankets and fall into oblivion.
My phone rang.
I fumbled in my pockets, grabbing for it, looking at the caller ID expectantly.
It wasn't Nathan. Of course it wasn't. It was a good thing it hadn't been him. If I'd had to talk to him again, I had no idea what I'd say.
It was the hospital calling. I assumed it was Tracey. She'd probably ask me to come in for an extra shift. I contemplated ignoring it. But if she had a question about the party, I should probably answer it.
I cleared my throat and answered as calmly as I could.
"Hello?"
"Ms. Miller? I'm calling from Dr. Johnston's office."
I didn't even have time to wonder why they were calling when the woman continued.
"The doctor found something unusual when looking over your test results."
My entire body jolted, then froze. My hands trembled, grip loosening, almost dropping my phone to the ground.
"What… did they find?" I asked through a tight throat.
"I'm sorry, I really can't say over the phone. The doctor would like to speak to you in person."
My head went fuzzy. My stomach roiled. It was like I was stuck inside some terrible nightmare and I begged myself to wake up.
"When do you need me to come in?" I managed to choke out.
Her response sent a spike of terror shooting through me.
"As soon as possible."
32
Every synapse in my brain shut down the instant the doctor told me what was wrong, and what I'd need to have done.
I wandered out of the doctor's office and into the hospital hallway, found the closest chair and sat down. I didn't have the energy to think about going home. I didn't have the energy to even find a quiet space to myself. I sat in a busy hallway full of people coming and going, gurneys being pushed around and nurses rushing back and forth.
I watched the action mindlessly. Normally, my brain would have been jabbering at me non-stop. Instead, it was quiet. It wasn't like I was in shock. No. It was more like, there was nothing else to say. I'd known something like this would happen eventually. It was only a matter of time.
You were right all along, my heart told my brain. Eventually, you knew something like this was going to happen and you'd be a burden on your loved ones again.
But my brain didn't reply.
I'd asked the doctor why it had happened. I had the sudden fear that throwing myself down a hill had been a bad idea. I'd said as much, but the doctor had shaken her head. Things like this just happened sometimes. It was no one's fault. It was just the risk someone with my kind of heart defect had to live with.
"Excuse me, miss, are you okay?"
I looked up. A nurse in dark blue scrubs was standing in front of me, looking down with concern. I wondered if he was new, because I didn't recognize him.
"I'm fine," I said robotically.
"Do you need me to call someone for you?" he asked.
It was kind of him to offer, but the last thing I needed was to call someone. I needed time to process this. I couldn't handle telling my mom and dad yet. I knew exactly how they'd react and I didn't need that extra guilt and stress on top of everything else.
"Thank you, but I'm okay."
The worry didn't leave his face, but he nodded and continued on his way. I followed him with my eyes, noticing his blue scrubs had small sailboats on them.
Just like the towels in Nathan's bathroom.
Tears stung the back of my eyes. I forced myself to breathe in and out, slow and steady. I finally stood up. I had to leave before I fell apart in the middle of the hospital.
Walking briskly, I followed the nurse's path, knowing it was the closest way to get to the exit.
I rounded a corner. And froze.
As if my thoughts had summoned him, Nathan was standing across the hall from me. He was talking to Nancy, one of the other volunteers. She was blushing as he took a pen from her hand and signed a piece of paper for her. I stood still, not moving, not wanting to bring attention to myself.
He handed the paper back. She floated off with stars in her eyes. He turned to leave and saw me.
He froze, too.
We stared at each other, not saying anything. The nurses, doctors and patients continued hurrying down the hallway, passing by us, but I paid them no attention.
Nathan's dark blue eyes were fixated on me, wide-eyed and distressed. Those eyes had purple bags under them, and his face was pale.
I took a step back.
I didn't know if I intended to run away without acknowledging him, but the moment I moved, his shocked expression turned dark. His lips firmed.
"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here," he said. "Volunteering again?"
The words were almost snarky. I nodded anyway.
"You're not wearing your volunteer t-shirt," he pointed out, eyes hardening. "You really do lie a lot, don't you?"
My lip trembled.
"That girl was just a fan, by the way," he tossed off. "In case you were wondering."
"I wasn't," I murmured.
"Oh really? I thought maybe you'd jump to conclusions and assume I was trying to pick her up."
I shook my head wordlessly.
&nb
sp; "I mean, that's clearly what you think I do, isn't it?" he continued. "Just keep on picking up girls left and right?"
"That's not—"
He cut in. "You think I don't get enough judgement already with media reporting on every girl I'm photographed with?"
"I never meant to hurt you," I whispered.
"My mom was pretty sad when you stopped visiting," he said. "She thought maybe it was something she said. I guess you don't care whose feelings you hurt, do you?"
"I'm sorry!" I cried, twisting my hands into the fabric of my skirt.
"Why are you even here?" he bit out, changing the subject. "Were you hoping to run into me to rub some more salt in the wound? Hoping to accuse me some more? And here I used to think you were so nice and sweet. I guess you're just pretty and judgmental like everyone else."
"I was seeing a doctor!" I yelled. "Okay? Is that good enough for you?"
The red flush of anger didn't leave his face. "I thought you didn't need to go to the doctor for every little thing," he said mockingly.
"Well it's not little this time!" I blew up, tears finally springing free and falling as my own anger and fear and pain couldn't be contained any longer. "It's fucking big and it fucking sucks and I knew it was going to happen sooner or later but it doesn't make it any easier!"
Nathan's eyes went wide, taken aback by my shouting. Some of the anger faded from his expression.
"What are you talking about?" he asked slowly.
"My heart is fucked up again, is what I'm talking about," I said, choking back the tears. "A part of my pulmonary valve is tearing off. I'm going to need a replacement. And unlike all the others times, because of my age, they're doing open heart with an adult conduit."
His lips parted, moving silently, as if repeating the words.
"What… does that mean?" he asked, his face going from red to white.
"It means more surgeries," I bit out. "It means more time spent in the hospital. More time bedridden, unable to take care of myself."
"Becca…" Nathan whispered, sounding stunned, not knowing what else to say.
"Do you know how long it takes to recover from open heart surgery?" I asked. "It could be as long as six to eight weeks. Weeks where I can't lift anything heavier than a fork. Weeks where I can't drive myself anywhere. Weeks where I can't go to work and collect a paycheck. Weeks where I might not even be allowed to climb a goddamn staircase."
Hard Rock Kiss Page 18