by Liz Lee
“You’re going to do just what you’ve always done. You’re going to be a great teacher and a fantastic mother. You’re going to have a wonderful life. And one day, this will be a memory. And it won’t hurt quite so much.”
Kacie Jo didn’t think so. She didn’t think there’d ever be a day when she didn’t remember feeling so completely alone even though she was surrounded by others.
“The whole saying you grow up with is a lie, Eliza. The whole it’s better to have loved and lost, it’s not true. It’s hell to have loved and lost. I grew up knowing that, and I still took a chance. I’m lucky I found out now. Because you’re right. I’m young, I’m smart and I’m successful. I’ll be a great mother, I hope. But I don’t care if I ever love again.”
Her words must’ve been enough to convince Eliza this was an argument she wasn’t budging on because her friend finally hugged her and without saying a word admitted defeat. “So, why don’t you go try that outfit on? Maybe we can get out in time to find the perfect stroller.”
Kacie Jo took the shirt and matching shorts to her room to change. As she slipped the soft fabric over her head she whispered the only words she could think of to her baby. Words that would somehow make up for the fact that she was sorry she’d ever set out to seduce Donovan Nelson. Sorry she’d succeeded. Sorry her heart had turned to ice.
“I love you, baby. And one day we’re going to have a tea party. And when we do, I’ll tell you lovely fairy tales about knights in shining armor from far away kingdoms. And I promise they’ll always end in happily ever after. Because you deserve that. I owe you a happy ending. I just wish it could be more than a fantasy.”
Donovan grabbed the last can of Ranch Style beans from the grocery store shelf and pushed his cart to the check out lane.
His mother might have changed a lot over the years, but she still wasn’t much on cooking. Her magazines were her dream catalogs she told him. Every night she thumbed through the articles and dreamed she could cook and decorate like that.
In reality, she pretty much existed on one frozen dinner after another. She even had frozen breakfasts. He wondered how she was still alive.
So he’d taken it upon himself to do the cooking. And if he were some chef extraordinaire, maybe that would’ve been a good idea. Somehow, he didn’t figure Wolfgang Puck would have many praises for his menu tonight. But taco salad was easy, and it wasn’t frozen.
Not that Tammy complained. She never did. Every once in a while she’d ask if he’d called Kacie Jo, and he’d tell her no, and they’d go back to doing whatever it was they’d been doing.
Donovan had to face Kacie Jo's anger, tell her for what it was worth that he was sorry. But he couldn’t. Not yet.
He’d been running from his pain when he’d come back to Caldale, and he’d found relief in Kacie Jo’s arms, so he’d taken it.
He’d run again when he went to Mexico, and Grady had offered him an out when he bailed him out of that jail and told him about the baby.
Grady had been right all along. Marrying Kacie Jo was another form of running away. And it had been one hell of a trip. Reality was he couldn’t run anymore.
Sometimes he wanted to see if she’d forgive him. He could show her he still loved her because he did. He always would.
That’s why he had to stay away.
Last night at dinner while he’d sat across from his mother, she’d pushed a 12 Step paper toward him and left him there at the table to go through more self imposed torture.
That’s what he was doing. Each day he stayed away from Kacie Jo was a sort of penance to pay. For failing Anaj, for failing those kids in Afghanistan and Mexico. Most of all for failing Kacie Jo.
He read the 12 Steps over and replaced alcohol and substance abuse with his illness. It fit, but actually doing something about it would take courage he wasn’t sure he’d ever find.
Kacie Jo reached for the two percent milk and decided one gallon was enough, even though it seemed like she drank a gallon of the stuff every day.
Before pregnancy, she’d hated milk. Now she couldn’t get enough of it. Maybe it was taking the place of sex. She grinned at her own little joke and grabbed a couple yogurts at the same time a family walked by.
New parents judging by the way both gazed lovingly at the infant in the cart. Her heart barely missed a beat as the father reached up for the butter and then turned to his wife.
New parents and new love. It still hurt to see, but it didn’t tear her up.
She passed the frozen broccoli and headed to the front of the store just in time to see Donovan smile at the clerk as he paid cash for his groceries looking for all the world like a man without a care. Well, that’s what he was, wasn’t it?
She’d known this moment would come. Known they couldn’t both be in Caldale and not run into each other. But she wasn’t ready for the pain. Wasn’t ready for the shock of breathlessness followed by the rollercoaster ride for her stomach.
And she wasn’t ready for the almost blinding anger to hit again.
Her nails bit into her palms as he stood there. Straightening her shoulders and silently thanking Eliza for the new red shirt, Kacie Jo hoped she looked as good as he did. Hoped he felt like the fool he was when he saw her.
For a minute, she considered running chicken to the lane furthest away, but then she decided he was the coward, not her. So she steered her cart to lane three, right behind him and waited for him to realize his soon to be ex-wife was standing there listening to him talk about a split pea soup recipe he’d seen on the cooking channel yesterday.
She didn’t have to wait long.
The change in atmosphere hit Donovan like the unnatural stillness before hell broke loose in a war zone when the cart behind him stopped. Passersby stared curiously, the clerk behind the counter no longer heard a word he said. He knew his days of avoiding Kacie Jo had come to an end.
He turned as she spoke. “Hello, Donovan.”
“Hello, Kacie Jo.”
Like two old acquaintances meeting for the first time in weeks or months or years. His heart ripped when he saw the pain in her eyes. Pain she wasn’t willing to outwardly express. Her back was straight, a small frown the only proof she felt anything at all.
She looked wonderful, and he wished he could reach out and explain. He wished he could at least tell her he’d left for one reason only, and that was to protect her.
But this wasn’t the time or place for that conversation. Judging by the way she stood there silently watching him with those accusing eyes, this wasn’t the time or place for any conversation.
The clerk called out his total and Donovan reached in his pocket for his wallet. As he paid for his groceries he wished he knew what to say, what to do. He didn’t want to walk away with only a hello.
But she would hate it if he made a scene. Of course, she’d have every right to tell him to shut the hell up and get out of her life.
So even though he wanted to talk to her, tell her he was sorry, beg her to forgive him, he didn’t. Instead, he handed the kid in the check out lane his cash and walked out of the grocery store carrying two full paper bags and wondering if this was how it all ended.
Chapter Fourteen
As Donovan walked away Kacie Jo couldn’t believe her legs still held her upright. She felt like one big bowl of gelatin.
She couldn’t believe she’d stopped with hello. Couldn’t believe she hadn’t said all the words that were going through her mind. She’d had her perfect chance to tell him exactly what she thought. He hadn’t even asked about the baby.
If she’d needed any kind of sign she was taking the right action, she certainly had it now.
She paid for her milk and forced her feet to move her out the sliding glass doors toward her car. She hated her car, hated it for the memories it held.
Tired and sad and mad as hell, she practically threw the plastic sack holding milk in her back seat. She didn’t need him, didn’t need this heartache.
And she didn
’t need the entire population watching to see if she broke down in the parking lot. She could feel the curious eyes as she brushed her hair off her neck and moved to open the driver’s side door.
She just wanted to get home and call Grady. Get this whole mess over and done with.
“Kacie Jo, wait.”
Donovan's voice sounded as his footsteps crossed the asphalt parking lot toward her. For a second she thought about jumping in the car and driving right past him. There was nothing he could say that she wanted to hear.
Instead, she leaned on the doorframe and turned to watch him approach. She didn’t bother to speak, just watched as he moved uncertainly toward her.
When he finally reached her side, she crossed her arms and waited.
“I couldn’t let you leave without talking to you.”
Ha. Weeks pass without a word and now you want to talk. She almost said the words aloud. But she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of a response. Instead, she arched an eyebrow, letting her silence speak for itself.
“I wanted to make sure you’re okay. That the baby’s okay. To see if you need anything.”
“How polite of you to ask, Donovan.” Kacie Jo seethed as she spoke the words with sugary politeness. What she really wanted was to tell him to go to hell. But she wouldn’t do it. Not here, not now. “We’re just fine. Now if you don’t mind….” She sat and moved to close the door, but he grabbed it and held tight.
“Wait. Please, Kacie Jo.”
After-work shoppers filled the parking lot. A grocery cart rattled, and a child cried. Behind Donovan, the new family she’d spied earlier left the parking lot and Kacie Jo knew what she had to do.
Pulling the door from his hand, she closed it soundly then rolled down the window as she started the car and stared at Donovan and shook her head. “You’ve had four weeks to talk, Donovan. I’m not interested.”
And without looking to see what he did, she put the car in drive, leaving her past and the man she’d loved standing alone. As she drove away, she felt her heart breaking one last time. But at least this time leaving was her choice.
As Kacie Jo sipped her ice-cold milk, Grady paced in her living room. For once, she wished he’d do what she asked and quit being the big brother.
“Kacie Jo, are you sure you want to do this? You guys haven’t even talked.”
Inside Kacie Jo seethed because Grady was right. They hadn’t talked because Donovan wouldn’t even try. Until today in a crowded parking lot where God and everybody could watch her heartbreak and mortification.
“Oh, yes, we did. We talked today at the grocery store. He was buying all the ingredients for taco salad and split pea soup. He’s a regular gourmet these days, cooking for his mother. Just stop with the questions, Grady. Either you do this for me, or I go find someone who will.”
Reluctantly, Grady agreed. “I’ll do it. But I still think you should try counseling. What about the baby?”
She’d had enough.
“Grady, let me remind you that Donovan walked out on the baby. He didn’t call or come by for a month. He just disappeared. So don’t go asking me what about the baby. I’m the one thinking about the baby. This is the only answer. Now, are you going to help or not?”
Grady sighed. “I’ll do it. But not without reservations.”
Kacie Jo tried to ignore the pain in her heart. It was over. She needed to get through this and move on with her life. She had to.
“I’m worried about you, Kacie Jo.”
She reached across the table and took his hand. “Don’t be, Grady. You’re going to be a terrific uncle. We’re going to be okay.”
For a few seconds he held her hand in silence, trying to get into her mind, to figure out what she was thinking and feeling. He’d always been able to do that and it had always driven her crazy. This time she hoped he did see what was there.
“I know you’ll be okay, Kacie Jo.” Grady laughed sadly. “If there’s one thing I can say about you, it’s that you’ll always land on your feet. But I’ve watched this whole thing unfold. And this time it’s different.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You set out with a plan like always. And you met your objective successfully like always.”
That’s how he saw this whole mess?
She laughed bitterly, but he shook his head. “No, I’m serious. I’m not saying you planned on getting pregnant, but you had every intention of pursuing a relationship with Donovan that night. And he had every intention of avoiding you. And you won.”
Lucky, lucky me.
“When I brought Donovan back I really believed I was doing the right thing. I thought…I don’t know. I thought you’d be able to help him heal, and I knew your heart was breaking.”
Kacie Jo swallowed the emotion building in her throat. “Don’t blame yourself, Grady. Donovan and I just weren’t meant to be.”
He disagreed. “Since he left, you’ve gone back to your normal plans. It’s almost like he never existed.”
Kacie Jo pointed to her stomach. “Obviously, you couldn't be more wrong.”
“I’m not talking about the baby, Kacie Jo. I’m talking about your life. You’ve gone right back to all your plans from before.”
“What am I supposed to do, Grady? Pretend like my life is over? Pine away, waiting for some kind of explanation?”
“No, but you could get mad, could scream, yell, holler. Hell, you could buy a punching bag or a dartboard. I bet I can find a good picture of Donovan to hang up on it.”
The emotions she’d been holding at bay ever since the day she’d broken most of her dishes started to bubble to the surface, and she turned away. She’d cried enough over Donovan Nelson. Staying angry equaled wasted energy. Disappointment, self-loathing, hurt. She couldn’t go there.
Her brother continued as if she hadn’t moved. “You’ve taken this like it was supposed to work out this way.”
She’d had enough.
“Well, Grady, I think that’s called realism,” she said her voice breaking. “I am angry. I am devastated. But I’m not going to let those emotions take over my life. I’m not going to break down. It happened. Bad stuff does all the time. This isn’t nearly as bad as some people have it. I’m fine.”
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Grady said, refusing to back down. “You’re fine. You should’ve marched over to Tammy Nelson’s trailer and hauled Donovan’s butt back here or at least told him off. I could’ve sworn you loved him.”
Kacie Jo tried to hide the pain his last words caused, but she couldn’t do it.
“I did love him, Grady," the tears started then, and she didn’t bother brushing them away. He wanted proof she felt something, well good for him. “I loved him for years, but it wasn’t real. When I thought it was real, I found out it wasn’t then either. It’s over. And I want it over for good. It hurts too damn much to sit here waiting on him to make the first move.”
“Kacie Jo, you knew he wasn’t well. You knew…” he started to argue again and Kacie Jo cut him off.
“You wanted to see me show some emotion, Grady? Well, get a good look. I despise him for leaving when he had a choice. He could’ve stayed and fought, could’ve gotten help, but he just walked away. I want it over. If you won’t do it, like I said, I’ll get someone else, dammit.”
Grady’s hand rubbed her shoulder and then he pulled her into a hug just like they’d shared a million times before, and she wished she could find the peace she’d lived with for years. But this was different. She was never going to recover from Donovan Nelson. And Grady was right. She had no one to blame but herself.
“I’ll take care of it.” Grady said, and she wished she felt protected. Wished she believed everything would be okay. “I'll file the papers today.”
The tears drained her strength, but her resolve clicked back into place. This was the right thing to do. It was. It was. It was.
She’d make it up to her baby. Somehow, some way.
Donovan
heard the super secret knock devised in fifth grade between him and Grady and sighed.
He hadn’t seen his old best friend since leaving Kacie Jo. No surprise there. He was the evil one in this mess. Kacie Jo was an innocent victim who'd been unlucky enough to try to save him from himself.
If he could make it up to her, he would.
Taking a deep breath, he opened the door. “Grady.”
His friend seemed tired and sad, and he was carrying an envelope. “Donovan.”
Donovan opened the door wider, sure of what the envelope held and torn between relief and fear. “Come on in.”
Grady shook his head. “I better not. But I figured I should deliver this in person. I feel I owe it to you.”
“She’s asking for a divorce?”
“Jesus, Donovan. What did you expect her to do? You abandoned her.”
The lightness of the envelope seemed at odds with the constant weight on Donovan’s heart. He had to explain. “I didn’t plan this, but I had to leave, Grady. ”
“No you didn’t, Donovan," Grady said angrily. "You could’ve stayed, could’ve let Kacie Jo help you. She loved you and you broke her heart because you wouldn’t let her help.”
“She couldn’t help this, Grady.”
Grady stood on the porch steps and shook his head. “I know you didn’t want to give her a chance. And I know you’ve talked more to me in the last few seconds than you have to her, which is wrong on so many levels I can’t even think about it. Kacie Jo wants a divorce, and I’m honor bound to help her get one. You might want to get a lawyer because I plan on taking you for everything I can.”
With that Grady left the porch, climbed into his pickup and drove away. Donovan didn’t watch his friend leave. Didn’t bother.
Without opening the envelope he threw it on the table and sat resting his head in his hands. So this was it? This was how it ended? He’d be able to tell his story one day, be able to share how he lost his family. Lost the best woman he’d ever met. He’d be like so many others at the group meetings he’d tried to attend.