“It was a lie. She wasn’t pregnant. She just didn’t want me to leave her.”
I gripped the branch next to me, crushing one of the donuts against the bark. “She … lied to you about being pregnant?”
He nodded. “But by then we were married, she had what she wanted and she’d convinced me that we belonged together. That I could go to school and her parents would pay for it, even though that didn’t happen till now.”
I knew him better; that would never be enough to make him stay. “But money, that isn’t what motivates you. I know you, Darwin. What was the real reason you stayed?”
He seemed to fight himself, his eyes darkening with the shadows of the past. “My father ran out on me and my mom and my brothers and sisters. Fiona reminds me of my mom, weak and needy, without a mean bone in her body. She wouldn’t survive on her own. And I couldn’t be like my father, leaving her, running away from my responsibilities.”
That I believed. Darwin was too good of a man to just walk away from vows, to act as though his word meant nothing.
Darwin’s eyes caught mine. “She’s trying to get pregnant now. Decided that it was time for us to start a family.”
I swallowed hard, the donuts like chunks of brick in my throat. “You’ll be an amazing father.”
“Not such a good husband, though, I think. I don’t really love her, not the way I should.”
There was nothing for me to say to that. Nothing at all. Except to return the favor and spill my guts. I put my remaining donut on my leg and brushed my hands together.
“My step father, he told my mother I came onto him when I was fourteen.”
Darwin’s eyes shot to mine and his mouth opened, but I cut him off.
“She believed him, and sent me away to boarding school. She always believed him, because he was her security. He paid the bills, kept her life going forward. She told me once that without him she would fall to pieces. And he made sure that she always believed the worst of me, lying about me to make her cling to him.”
“Did you ever try to tell her, show her?”
I nodded slowly, twisting the thumb ring. “It only pushed a bigger wedge between us, because in public, he couldn’t be nicer to me. Tells people I’m his daughter and how lucky he is to have me in his life.”
“And in private he treats you like shit.” Darwin’s voice was harsh and I knew then that he, at least, believed me. I gave him a smile.
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. And no one believes me. So I look like the spoiled brat.”
He reached over and took my hand, holding it across the branches, our fingers sticky from the donuts. “I believe you.”
I tightened my fingers over his.
Our secrets spilled, we sat in silence, eating donuts and watching the world around us move forward.
Three nights before the wedding, Penny decided that since she was the maid of honor and had been totally slacking in her duties—no surprise there—she would take me out for a few drinks at the local karaoke bar. Since she wasn’t drinking in order to be the well behaved designated driver, Penny made sure to keep my glass full at all times.
A few drinks turned into a never-ending onslaught of alcohol that loosened my tongue and I spilled my guts in the worst possible way.
On stage. To the cheers of a crowd that was as sauced as I was.
“I just want to tell you all that I don’t love the man I’m going to marry. He’s a good guy but kinda a, a—”
“Twat waffle!” Penny shouted from the crowd, and the other patrons cheered her choice of words, quickly taking up a chant using the moniker that so fit Victor.
I swayed on my feet, clinging to the microphone stand, distantly thinking that maybe it was time to get off the stage. Nope, none of that rational stuff sunk in, not even for a split second.
“Right. Mr. Twat Waffle. So that makes me, the soon-to-be Mrs. Twat Waffle. Oh god, someone save me from this.” I sobbed out the words, falling to my knees.
“Save yourself, you stupid girl.” Someone shouted from the back of the bar. Penny yelled at my heckler using several colorful comparisons to pig genitalia that I found rather amusing, giggling between the sobs.
Stupid girl. Frank was right; I was stupid. Would always be stupid.
Penny helped me off the stage and out to her car where we stumbled, and she laughed and I cried. “I don’t want to do this. I love—”
“I know, you love Vic. Blah, blah, blah.”
“No, I love Darwin. He’s my 98%. If he wasn’t married, he’d be my 100%.”
Penny went still beside me, and I thought—hoped—she hadn’t heard me. Or maybe I hadn’t even said the words out loud; maybe they’d just been in my inebriated brain. The cool night air was helping to clear my head, though obviously not fast enough.
“Excuse me, supposedly my best friend. Who the hell is Darwin? And what is this 98% business?”
In a jumbled mess of alcohol-riddled words, I did my best to explain.
“Darwin was the paramedic, and he took me to the hospital and there was a spark, especially when Victor couldn’t even be bothered to come and see me even though I was in the hospital.”
I took a breath and she stared at me, her eyes wide, so I just kept on going.
“And I told him that we should all have dinner together, but that’s when Victor told me about his job and Darwin called me a doormat and everyone laughed, but Fiona was nice and so I didn’t want to have donuts anymore.”
Penny grabbed my arms and squeezed her eyes shut. “Slow down, this isn’t making sense.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, my head spinning. “I tried so hard to be what Nana wanted, I did the right thing, have done the right thing my whole life.”
“I know that, but—”
“And doing the right thing isn’t making me happy. I’m miserable. But I don’t think doing the wrong thing will make me happy either. It’ll ruin so many lives, and I just can’t bring myself to do this, I can’t. But I can’t not get married. So many people would be upset, my mom—and Frank.”
She shook me. “Screw Frank, we both know he’s a complete asshole.”
“I have to marry Victor. It’s the only way that the most people as possible are happy. I don’t really count—this makes sense, right?” Apparently, not so much.
“Bri, you are out of your mind drunk, and it’s time to go home. Tomorrow, if you still feel this way—which I think you will—then we can talk about the wedding, okay?”
“I don’t want to go home. I want to go with you.” The heckler had been right. I had to save myself. “I want to stay with you. Please. I can’t go back to Victor or I’ll never leave.”
Penny sighed, her hands on my shoulders. “Maybe you should postpone the wedding. That is allowed; you know that, right?”
“My mother would kill me,” I whispered. “It would break her heart and maybe she would finally hate me the way Frank wants her too.” I wasn’t sure if both sentiments were true, but they felt true.
She bundled me into her car, grumbling about the duties of bridesmaids. I fell asleep on the ride, the distant buzz of the radio announcer’s voice lulling me as he droned on about some wicked summer storms headed our way.
I don’t remember Penny helping me into her apartment, or her helping me out of my coat and shoes, or her covering me with a blanket after helping me stretch out on the bathroom floor.
When I woke up the next morning, the grimy linoleum was stuck to my cheek, peeling off slowly as I raised my head. Groaning, it was with great care that I got to my hands and knees. Never in my life had I drunk that much. Though, I suppose that was the point of a bachelorette party, even if I barely remembered it and it had only been me and Penny. No other witnesses, right? Wrong.
Unfortunately, the most embarrassing parts I did recall, all too clearly. Crap, would Penny bring it up? Sluggishly, I left the bathroom behind, heading for the dining room, where I could already see Penny up and fussing about.
She pushed a glass of water and two extra strength acetaminophen at me. “Take two now, and two more at lunch.”
I did as I was told, trusting her judgment of how to handle a hangover; more importantly, it gave me a moment to pull my thoughts together.
Penny poked her finger into my ribs. “Come on, fess up, chickie.”
Holding the glass in front of me, my brain wasn’t up to producing an elaborate tale.
“Darwin is the paramedic who took me to the hospital after my accident at the Upshaw’s.”
She squealed and danced in front of me. “I knew you didn’t really love the twat waffle! Come on, spill the beans!”
I groaned and put a hand to my head. “Stop calling him that. Please. I do love Victor.”
“You know, it doesn’t matter how many times you say it, it doesn’t make the words true. I can say the sky is green a thousand times, doesn’t mean I’m right.”
Covering the back of my head with my hands, I rested my hip against the table. “It’s just cold feet.”
“What is?”
God, me and my big mouth. “Nothing.”
Penny grabbed me and spun me around, and my gorge rose, the last of the alcohol working its way back up my throat. “You are not going to get away from me on this. You are going to listen to me and listen good.” She all but shoved me into her single rickety kitchen chair. “I’m your best friend and for the last few years, I’ve seen nothing but a continued slide into a life you don’t want. Don’t you remember how we talked about backpacking across Europe, how we were going to live in hostels and see the world, working our way across the globe? And in these last few months, I’ve seen a glimmer of that girl. If this Darwin is the guy who’s brought that spark back in you, then you need to think long and hard about actually marrying Vic. Because from what I can see, Victor doesn’t make you happy. Not really. He might be the ‘right’ choice in some ways, but he isn’t the best choice for you, Brielle. Not at all.”
Her words struck a long buried chord in me. “Darwin’s married. His wife is trying to get pregnant. There can never be anything between us.”
“Oh shit.” She breathed out, slumping against the table. “For real? The one guy you seem to actually come alive for and he’s married? She’s probably fucking gorgeous too, isn’t she? And she’s got money?”
I didn’t answer her, couldn’t, not with how close to the bull’s-eye she was hitting.
Slowly, I got to my feet, my heart tangled up in what I couldn’t have. “I need to go, I have to meet my mom this afternoon to go over the last minute details.”
“Are you serious? Tell me you’ll at least think about calling it off. Please.” Her hands were on my arms and she squeezed me gently. “Please. I want my friend back.”
I blinked several times, staring at her, not realizing until that moment how far apart we’d grown. I’d always thought it was Penny who’d pulled away from me. Victor’s word’s over the last few years—about how Penny was a bad influence, how she was irresponsible and would never have a real job—filtered through my brain. My mom’s harsh words about Penny’s choices, Frank’s put-downs about how Penny was a bad friend, how she couldn’t be depended on again, how I’d let other people’s opinions shape my life. With that gut-lurching realization, I pulled her into a hug. “I’m not going anywhere. Penny, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ve been an awful friend.”
She gulped back a sob, hugging me back hard. “Just … think about it. It’s not too late to call the wedding off, it’s not too late.”
The bigger problem?
I couldn’t stop thinking about calling it off.
10
THE NIGHT BEFORE the wedding was a massive rehearsal, a complete run through of what I’d be doing in less than twenty-four hours. Marrying Victor.
I walked down the aisle, saw Victor waiting for me with a goofy grin on his face, the pastor standing next to him with a soft smile.
I wanted to vomit, and I couldn’t stop the trembling that rippled through my body
Frank gripped my elbow, his fingers tightening just to this side of bruising. He was too smart to leave a mark on me. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but don’t ruin this for your mother. Pull yourself together, think of something else.”
Think of something else, I told myself. Something else. What else was there?
Darwin. Would it be so hard to walk down the aisle if he was waiting for me instead of Victor?
Just the thought of Darwin, his cheeky dimple and soul-filled eyes, gave my feet a lift, and the panic in my chest eased. Which then only freaked me out more—what the hell was I doing? I couldn’t pretend I was marrying Darwin and then wake up the next morning mad when it turned out to be Victor in bed beside me.
But then I was at the end of the aisle, and Frank handed me off to Vic and the pastor explained how everything would go the next day. Words rushed around me, a jumble of noises I couldn’t focus on. Penny was to my left and her eyes were all but begging me to call the whole thing off. To say the words that would end this soon-to-be marriage before it ever began.
I swallowed hard, licked my lips, and took a breath. I could do this. I had to.
“Vic, can I talk to you for a minute?” My voice echoed in the chapel and I cringed at how loud it was. How everyone heard me, how in a few minutes they would know what I’d wanted to talk about.
“Of course, Baby.” He slipped an arm around my waist and Penny squeezed my hand as I went by.
He found us a small room off the main chapel, two folding chairs and nothing else. I grabbed the back of one of the chairs to balance myself. I leaned heavily on it. Vic put a hand on my lower back.
“What is it?”
I blurted out the words before I could think twice. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“The rehearsal?” He frowned at me and put his hands on his hips, his blond hair perfectly gelled, his clothes perfectly pressed. Nothing about him was out of place, not in any aspect but still … .
“No. Not the rehearsal. The wedding.” I waited for him to flip out, to call me a bitch and storm off. Maybe I was even hoping for it.
Instead, his arms circled around me and he … laughed. “Oh, Baby. That’s just pre-wedding jitters. It’ll be just fine. Trust me, okay?” He leaned back so he could smile at me and I looked up at him, feeling my heart pounding against his. I did love him; I knew that, he was a good man (God, how many times had I soothed myself with that fact?) and that he would be a good father when that time came. I just didn’t love him with a passion that consumed me.
So why couldn’t I put Darwin from my mind, worse, how had he worked his way into my heart? Had I let it happen as a way out, or was I somehow flawed, just unable to see how good I really had it?
Guilt swamped me; hit my guts in an unexpected rush. Nana had always said that searching for more than was possible would only bring heartache. And look at what had happened. I’d never been in so much heart pain in my life, all because I looked away from the good thing that I had. The good man who loved me. Nana’s voice seemed to whisper through my mind, her final words sitting at the forefront of my thoughts.
Let go of your girlish fantasies, they’ll only leave you alone and wishing you’d done the right thing. Darwin wouldn’t leave when his wife tricked him, he won’t leave her for you. He’s too loyal, no matter what there is between you and him.
I let out a slow breath, my head clearing. I knew what I had to do.
“You’re right, Vic,” I slid back into his arms and laid my head on his chest, tears escaping my tightly closed eyes. “This time tomorrow we’ll be married and off on our honeymoon.”
C
huckling, Victor kissed the top of my head. “About that … .”
The dinner and dance that was planned for after the rehearsal packed the restaurant Celia had picked with all the people Celia had invited. That was to be expected. What I hadn’t expected was to see Fiona and Darwin step through the door.
“What are they doing here?” I squeaked out, a sense of claustrophobia squeezing the air out of my lungs.
Victor chuckled. “Well, with you two all but siblings, I thought it would be nice to have them here. Besides, Fiona told me at the dinner how much she loved weddings.” His eyes seemed to be searching my face, “That is okay, isn’t it?”
I gave him a jerky nod. “Of course, I was just surprised.”
Penny slid in beside me, leaned in as Victor stepped away toward the incoming stream of guests, and whispered, “That’s Darwin, isn’t it?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“The way you looked at him.” Penny turned her eyes to mine and I didn’t like what I saw there.
Pity. For me. And I was the one getting married. Shouldn’t it have been the other way around? Shouldn’t I have been feeling bad for her? Shouldn’t the bride be feeling bad for the bridesmaid who had no courters on the sidelines?
A flash of lightning lit up the restaurant, and the guests all ooohed and aaahed. The lightning was followed closely by a shocking rumble of thunder and then the rain started, heard easily as it pounded on the roof of the building. The weather matched my mood.
“Maybe the storm is a sign,” Penny said, pointing to the ceiling. As if I’d somehow missed the sudden weather change.
She didn’t say anything more, and other than a wave from across the table to Fiona and Darwin, I just had to sit there. Act like I was happy, act like I couldn’t wait to be Mrs. Victor Babcock.
The meal came in waves—appetizers, soup, entrée, and then two kinds of dessert. This was Victor’s parents’ bill and I felt bad for them, their faces paling with each new plate. No doubt Celia had just put this into action without asking them, or even remembering that they weren’t wealthy.
Ninety-Eight (Contemporary Romance) Page 10