I closed my eyes and prepared to bare my soul. “Look Gabriel, I swear to you I am not playing games. I would stay if it wasn’t for the fact that I was serious when I said that I needed to get myself straight in the head. I have messed up plenty of relationships and I already have a failed marriage under my belt before I’m even twenty-one. That’s not something that I am real proud of.” I took a shaky breath before pushing on. “My dad was nonexistent while I was growing up. In fact, not one of my cousins knows their biological father. I grew up figuring that was just normal. Then as I got older and started to discover that it wasn’t, I started questioning the why. Men came and went in my mom and aunts’ lives. Not to mention the fact that I grew up hearing of my terribly abusive grandfather. How in the world anyone could purposely hurt my grandma is beyond my comprehension. She is the most selfless, giving human being that I have ever known. I have a hard time believing that there is anyone on the planet more gracious than her.”
Gabriel remained silent, his face passive.
“Anyway, as you can imagine, that didn’t portray a very positive image of men for me. I just accepted that all men lie, cheat and then leave.”
He drew his own conclusion from my admission. “So you leave first, before they can leave you.”
It was a simple statement said without malice, but the impact of it left me reeling. I snapped my head up to look at his face, prepared to cut him to the quick with a defensive reply.
My eyes met his and saw only understanding rather than blame. I immediately retreated knowing that he spoke the truth. It hit me hard to know that I was still fighting my own demons and was far from breaking the dysfunctional cycle that I had been so hell bent on escaping. “Yeah, I guess your right. I hurt before I get hurt.” I sighed feeling defeated, “Which is exactly why I have to face myself and my own past so that I can learn new behaviors and then set a better example for Marissa.” I searched his face. “Can you understand that?”
Gabriel turned away and looked out the window at the trees lightly dancing in the night breeze.
GABRIEL: She had finally opened up to me and essentially stated that her issues were her own personal ones rather than something specifically related to me or us, but it didn’t ease the pain of being pushed to the side. It just made it finally make sense and when I thought about it, I knew that I couldn’t argue with or negate what she was saying. If we are ever going to have a future, she will have to come to terms with some of these things that she continues to struggle with.
“I can understand that,” Gabriel said. “And I do want you to do whatever it is that you need to do in order to get right.” He turned toward me again, a new fire in his eyes, a new life. “But I want you to come back here once you have,” he stated in an authoritative voice that I was unaccustomed to. “Do you understand me?”
My heart swelled, my throat constricted, as I was overcome with emotion. He had listened to me admit my failings, yet he still wanted to be part of my future without pressuring about timing or logistics.
I simply nodded, afraid to speak. He held out his arms. I crawled over the bedspread and into his lap, where I felt safe and accepted his comfort.
Chapter 20
We were practically inseparable over the next three days. Gabriel didn’t have to report back to duty until his doctor officially released him.
Evenings were spent barbequing in Amber’s backyard. She would invite her boyfriend over and the four of us would lounge, enjoying the warm night air, laughing as Marissa dug holes in the yard along side the dogs.
Gabriel easily engaged Marissa by playing with her baby dolls, showing her how to rock them and burp them. She was always a friendly baby and warmed up to him quickly. Those last few days were bittersweet, filled with such happiness yet knowing we would part so soon after our reconciliation, with no real idea of how things would play out. We only knew that we wanted to enjoy every last minute together so we would have something to hold onto, something to carry us until the next time we saw each other.
On the very last evening, before Marissa and I were scheduled to drive north, we were laying in Amber’s guest room, clinging to each minute, each second together, wanting to savor it. My back was to him, his arms draped over my waist.
I was wrestling with my inner dialogue, the urge to tell him that I loved him, so intense that I had to bite my lip to keep the words from spilling out. Lying in his arms, in the dark, the screaming inside my head was blocking out all other thoughts, ‘I love you! I love you so much it hurts!’ But still I remained silent refusing to say the words out loud for fear that he wouldn’t return the sentiment. My insecurities were still so fierce, so prominent, over-powering the need to communicate. I just couldn’t let go of that last bit of control. I couldn’t expose my heart for fear of it being broken.
Suddenly, Gabriel’s arms tightened around me almost violently and he pulled me closer. “Oh that was horrible!” he said and I could sense a change in him.
He was shaking and I became worried by the intensity emanating from his being. “What? What happened?”
Gabriel kept silent, holding me almost too tight to his chest. Then he took in one deep breath. “I don’t really know. I’m not sure that I can explain it. I was just lying here thinking of you and me, us, when I was suddenly filled with an enormous sense of dread, and panic. I had the worst sensation come over me and a thought entered my mind. It just popped in my head. It was a knowing I guess, that I’m never going to see you again.” He pulled me tighter.
My stomach turned and I felt panicky. Goosebumps spread over my body. I had never seen him so upset before and wanted to brush away the fear he had introduced. “Don’t be silly, of course you will see me again,” I said. “We will see each other again in just a matter of months. We can’t stay apart for long. That’s just how it is for us.” I was trying so hard to be calm, hoping to settle his worries. But my voice trembled as an indescribable dread settled over me as well.
Gabriel buried his face in my hair, inhaling deeply. “You’re right. We always make it back to each other. We always have and we always will.”
Then he changed the subject. We spent the rest of the night in each others arms sharing stories and refusing to talk of the future. We drifted off as the first rays of light seeped into the room.
When I awoke, hearing Marissa calling for a ‘num num’, I was groggy and red eyed as I rolled out of bed. For privacy sake, we had popped her playpen just outside of the bedroom door. I stepped out and scooped her up, my head muddled as I headed toward the kitchen.
The morning was spent under an eerie blanket of silence, thick with a combination of hope and loss intertwined.
Finally, after much procrastination, I loaded up the Jetta and buckled Marissa into her car seat. Amber stood behind, waiting until I was set. I turned and embraced her in a big hug. She held tight, then briskly pulled back, spun on her heel and marched toward the house. Like me; she didn’t like to make big emotional scenes. That and she was allowing Gabriel and I a bit of privacy to say our goodbyes.
In an effort to take most of his weight off of his foot, he leaned against the car, and simply held out his arms. I walked into them.
I fought back the tears and buried my face into his chest.
When I recovered, the tightness in my chest loosening enough to allow easier breathing, I pulled back and faced him. “I plan to come back for a visit after the first of the year. That should give me a few months to get settled and establish a routine. In the meantime, I will call you as soon as I get my phone hooked up.”
I stared hard into his pristine blue eyes. Since the night before, something unrecognizable had settled there and I could tell that he was having difficulty wrestling with his feelings.
“Okay, don’t wait too long. I’m gonna miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.” It was unbearable and I didn’t want to drag it out any longer. I gave him a quick kiss and slid into the car.
Gabriel grabbed his crut
ches, negotiating a path to the side of the driveway allowing me space to turn the car around.
I backed up then pulled forward, hanging my hand out the window, waving goodbye. I watched him in my rearview mirror as I drove down the bumpy gravel lane, plastering a fake smile on my face until he was out of sight and I could give in to my sorrow.
Chapter 21
The next three months were overwhelming with a whirlwind of activities. Rosie had secured a small duplex located out of town on a quiet rural road, but still only ten minutes from the nearest gas station on the outskirts of town.
Eager to start working, I applied for a job at the Tribal Casino on the reservation that was just east of town. They called for an interview the next day, and within the first week back I was sitting in orientation excited about landing a position as hostess in the casino’s main restaurant.
The idea of leaving Marissa with someone I didn’t know terrified me, so I juggled babysitting duties between Graham, and when he wasn’t available, his parents or Rosie who was going to school full time.
I quickly realized that even though I had enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom, I felt a new kind of fulfillment with doing my job well and bringing home a paycheck. It gave me confidence and pride to know that I could support myself and my daughter.
As soon as our phone line was installed, I called Gabriel, just as I had promised. We spent many late nights talking, sharing, missing one another.
That changed when one of my co-workers quit on short notice and I willingly picked up the extra hours. I was anxious to bring in more money with the holiday season quickly approaching.
With my schedule so tight, my late-night phone calls decreased significantly as I fell into bed exhausted every evening. Time flew and before I knew it, my divorce was finalized without complications or much attention. Just like that, it was over as if it had never taken place. The finality of it left me sad, disappointed in how I’d made such a mess of things by marrying so young. But the treasure that I’d been blessed with as a result, made the rest worth the heartache. Marissa had been born from our union and nothing could ever make me regret that.
Life in the casino revolved on casino time, which meant that I often worked late hours. My shift typically ended at closing time, which wasn’t until four a.m., and I found myself wiped out every morning when it was time to get up with Marissa after only a few solid hours of sleep. I would run errands and spend quality time with my daughter during the day, and then try to sneak in a quick nap in the evening before my next shift, while Rosie studied and Marissa watched her Sesame Street videos.
One evening, I was awakened from one of my routine naps, when the phone next to my bed shrilled out into the quiet of my small bedroom.
My mind was foggy as I groped for the handset, pulling it to my ear with eyes still closed.
“Roshell? Is this Roshell?” Amber’s voice spoke severely over the line. Coming out of dreamland, I fluttered my eyes open and searched the dark room, attempting to fully grasp consciousness. The clock read six-fifteen. I would have to get ready for work soon. Disoriented, I looked out the window into the already darkened winter sky and noticed that the moon was nearing its full state. “Amber, is that you?” I asked groggily.
“Yeah, it’s me Roshell. I need to talk to you. I have something to tell you.” Her voice had a dark, serious tone that was completely out of character.
I suppressed a flicker of fear. “What’s the matter Amber?”
“Are you sitting down? I think that you should sit down. I have something bad to tell you.”
I sat upright at full attention, imagining that something horrible had happened to Amber’s mother or maybe even her boyfriend, and that I would need to be a strong support for my friend in her time of need. “I’m fine. I’m sitting on my bed, Amber. Go ahead and just tell me what’s going on with you.”
I heard Amber take a deep breath. “It’s not me, Roshell. It’s Gabriel. There’s been an accident. He’s dead.”
The world stopped. My heart plummeted to my stomach as the floor seemed to drop out from under my feet. “What. NO! What are you saying?” I asked in accusation, prepared to take out my anger on Amber for daring to make such a heinous statement.
“I am so sorry to be the one to tell you this, Roshell. Darren just called me and asked me to tell you. Apparently, they had both been out target practicing in the woods yesterday, testing out a new pistol that Gabriel had purchased. Darren says that the gun jammed up and they had decided to call it a day.
“From what the police say, it looks like Gabriel attempted to identify the problem later that night. He must have had the gun pointed slightly towards himself, up and to the left, over his shoulder; they figure he was trying to find out what was jamming it up, and the gun must have accidently gone off.
“The bullet came up through his collar bone and hit him in the head. He died instantly.” She paused, not sure how to proceed after delivering such a terrible blow.
The room was tilting and I was trying to grasp everything that Amber had said while simultaneously trying to shove it far, far away from me. “I can’t talk right now,” I said, nearly choking on my words, before slamming the phone down, then dashing blindly out of my room and through the front door.
I was wandering aimlessly down the middle of the dark, unlit county road, wishing I could somehow undo the past ten minutes, unweaving the devastation that had just wrecked my universe, when I heard Rosie’s cautious approach.
“Roshell, I heard what happened. Amber called back frantic, worried about you and told me. I am so incredibly sorry,” Rosie said.
I stopped pacing in circles, my shoulders stooped and heaving as I sobbed. “Why? Why? Why?” I cried. “Not Gabriel, not him.” My body ached all over and even though I was already crying uncontrollably, I actually wished I could somehow cry harder to ease some of the all consuming pain.
I spun around, my fist to my chest, anger and loss coursing through my veins. “I love him and I never told him. I never once over- rode my precious ego and childhood fears long enough to tell him how much I loved him. How beautiful he was. I LOVE HIM!”
A heartbeat passed, “OH GOD! I don’t think that I can do this.” I crumpled down to the ground as a raw and fiery hole seethed into my chest and threatened to consume me from the inside out.
Rosie rushed to my side, kneeling down and wrapping her arms around me. “It’s going to be okay, Roshell,” she crooned in a soothing voice, “come on, let’s get you in the house, Marissa is by herself in there. Come on,” she coaxed, gently easing me off the pavement, guiding me towards our house, one foot in front of the other.
Just before we approached the front steps, I came to an abrupt halt. A devastating epiphany dawned. “Oh, my god, he knew! I don’t know how, but he knew, he sensed it.
The last night that we were together he panicked and said that he had a terrible feeling that he would never see me again. Oh, god, I just brushed him off. I wish that I had listened, I wish that I had held on to him longer and harder and never let go.” I cried out as this new realization sunk in and pushed me that much farther over the edge.
“I can’t go in the house like this Rosie, I don’t want Marissa to see me like this, oh no! I’m supposed to be at work soon. What time is it?” My voice sounded foreign, my words erratic, sentences running into one another. I clasped onto Rosie’s arm.
I was quickly losing grip on reality as shock encompassed my senses.
“Don’t worry about Marissa,” Rosie said. “I will take good care of her while you lie down in your room. She won’t even know what’s going on. I will call your boss for you and explain. I am sure that he will understand.”
Rosie led me through the front door and down the hall. I sat on the bed and waited for her to leave me with my grief.
ROSIE: She was crying silently at this point and I didn’t want to leave her, but I needed to follow through with my promise to take care of the details or she would work herself in
to a frenzy over it.
Whenever Roshell gets too stressed, she tends to hyper-focus on small, maybe even insignificant details. I have never seen her this upset. I need to see to Marissa for the time being. She needs to be taken care of.
Later, after Marissa was snoozing soundly in her crib, I heated up some chicken noodle soup and took it to her hoping to coax her to eat at least some of it.
When I first opened the door it was pitch black in the room, but with the hall light filtering in I could clearly see that she wasn’t on her bed. I was worried, until I noticed that she was sitting on the floor in the corner, curled up with her arms wrapped around her knees.
Rosie gently set the soup on the nightstand, before she slid down to the floor, sitting Indian-style directly in front of me face to face.
I wanted to be left alone but wanted company at the same time. When I spoke, it was more to myself than to her, my voice monotone. I had expended every single emotion possible and now all that was left over was an empty shell. “I deserve this,” I said. “I couldn’t get my act together. The person I wanted more than anything in this whole world, I just kept pushing away, as if there would always be a tomorrow, as if he would always be there.”
With a sick, half- hearted laugh, anger slowly crept into my voice. “Who the hell did I think I was? Always so self-absorbed, like the whole world just revolved around me and my personal problems.
“I deserve this, but he didn’t. He should have had a tomorrow. He should have had the chance to find the right woman and have children. It’s just not fair.” My lip trembled. “It’s just not fair.”
Rosie remained seated and kept her voice calm. “I know honey, none of this is fair. I don’t know why any of this has happened, but I certainly don’t think that you deserve it. You have been busting your butt to get your life on track so that you could build a secure future for Marissa. Everyone that knows you, sees how much you love her and how good a parent you are.
Embracing You, Embracing Me - A Coming of Age Romance (Fingerpress Life Stories) Page 15