I saw her as soon as I opened the door, sat in the window, her blonde hair catching the watery winter sun. Her smile was genuine and she waved me over before I had a chance to go up to the counter. This beautiful girl had been the centre of Jake’s universe and, even though they had split up for a while, I knew she had made him the happiest he had ever been.
“Oh, it’s so good to see you,” she said, hugging me to her. “You’ve got his smile, you know.” Tears glazed her eyes. “God, look at me, crying already.” She took a deep breath and mimed pulling herself together. “What do you want, Grace?”
“A chai latte, please.” I took off my scarf and coat and sat at the other end of the window-seat.
“How are you?” she asked before she had even sat back down.
“I guess you heard about Mum?” I picked up my mug in an attempt to steady the shake I felt at having to tell the story.
“Yes. Dad told me when it happened. But how are you? How’s Josh?”
“Getting by, you know.”
Neve reached over and stroked my arm.
“You don’t have to pretend with me, Grace. I don’t need protecting from anything. Tell me the truth.”
I told her everything, grateful for the opportunity to vocalise the mess that was my head. By the end of my outpouring, I felt some relief at having shared it all.
“I wish I had answers for you. The only thing I can say, based on my own experience, is that any loss takes time. The pain doesn’t go away, but living with it gets easier. I still think about Jake every day, but I’ve noticed that it’s more and more about the good times we had and less about the sadness.” She played with a lock of her hair as she looked into the distance before pulling herself back to the present. “But Grace, I know I can survive it because what I shared with Jake was worth any amount of pain. His love was bigger, deeper than any grief. Love trumps everything else. And the way I see it, you have the chance to feel that type of love with Noah. Why deny yourself? You, more than anyone else, deserve to feel that.”
“I don’t want to get hurt,” I admitted. “I don’t think I can survive losing someone else.” Neve took her hand in mine.
“But you’re hurting yourself anyway. You haven’t lost Noah; you’ve chosen to cut him out of your life. You can tell me I’m interfering, but I think you’re going to regret this. Every day of our lives, we make choices: whether to wash our hair, which film to watch. We don’t regret those choices, even if they end up being the wrong ones. We do regret the bigger decisions, those that hurt us or those we love. It sounds to me like you and Noah have been hurt by your choice.”
“God, I’ve made a mess of this, haven’t I?”
Neve smiled and slipped a bracelet she was wearing down over her hand.
“Here, have this. It might help when you’re faced with tough decisions.” She handed me the bracelet. I could see the letters WWJD embossed in the dark brown leather.
“It’s supposed to stand for What Would Jesus Do, but I always think of it as What Would Jake Do,” she admitted. “It’s helped me on some of the darker days.”
I was overwhelmed by her generosity.
“I can’t take this. It means too much to you.” I held it out to her.
“Keep it. The Christian Society at uni give them out like sweets,” she said with a grin. “I can pick another one up when I’m next at the chapel. Their coffee is better and cheaper than the library, as long as you don’t mind a Bible verse or two on the side.”
I laughed at her irreverence and put the bracelet on, tracing the letters.
“Have you been to visit Jake yet?” Neve asked.
“I went last night after work. He would have moaned about all the autumn leaves that hadn’t been swept up.”
Neve grinned with me. “I thought the same thing when I went this morning. I rang Flynn and told him to pick me up and to bring some gardening gear!” She looked at her phone. “He’s going to be here in a few minutes. Do you want to come with us?”
I looked at my bracelet. What would Jake do? Of course he would say yes. So I did.
Neve and I were waiting outside the coffee shop when Flynn’s car pulled up, and Cass got out to let Neve in. Cass greeted me with a warm smile.
“I’ve said Grace could come with us,” Neve said as she climbed into the back.
“Great. The more, the merrier.” Flynn grinned when I followed Neve in. “Hi, Grace. It’s good to see you.”
It was so good to see him too. It was so good to see all of them, these people who had meant so much to Jake, who had shown me so much consideration on the day of his funeral.
“You too. How’s uni?” Flynn had taken the route Jake had thought he couldn’t because of his obligations to me and Josh, and was in his third year at university in Birmingham.
“Great, thanks. I’ve got a place to do my teacher training next year so I’ll still be there for Cass’s final year.” He picked up her hand and gently kissed her knuckles, making me envious of their closeness.
“Oh God, please stop,” Neve cried in mock anger. “You know the rules. No public displays of affection allowed!”
“What are you doing next year, Grace?” I was grateful that Cass’s question moved the conversation to a safer topic.
“I got into York but I’ve deferred. I think I’m just going to apply locally next year instead.” Thinking back to what Neve had said about regrets, I knew I’d made the right decision.
“That sounds like a good plan. Sometimes I wish I’d taken a year out before starting.” When Flynn took her hand in his again, Neve didn’t moan, knowing how tough that time had been for Cass.
Between us, we tidied up the area around Jake’s and Dad’s graves. I was glad that their headstones lacked the gaudy plastic flowers that were scattered across the rest of the cemetery. The two stones sat side by side, under the protection of an oak tree and framed by a glossy green bush. Both would have liked how natural it was.
When Flynn put his arm around Neve’s shoulder and pulled her to him as they stood in front of Jake’s headstone, I stepped away and pretended I couldn’t hear Neve’s tears.
“You’re so strong, Grace. Don’t let anyone let you believe otherwise.” Cass linked her arm with mine. “Jake would be glad to know Josh still has you on his side.”
I blinked away tears as I leant into her. “Thank you.”
When they dropped me off at home, Flynn got out of the car and gave me a hug. Surrounded by his arms, my head against his chest, I couldn’t stop the sob that ripped through me.
“I miss him so much,” I cried.
Flynn stroked my hair. “We all do, Grace. We all do.” He held me until I calmed down and pulled back, trying to wipe away the signs of how upset I had been.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“Don’t be a stranger. Promise?” His wink made me see that I wasn’t the only one with wet eyes.
“Promise.” I hugged him again and waved to the girls before going inside.
Seeing Neve, Flynn and Cass had given me some clarity. I might not have known what I was going to do, but I knew I didn’t want to end up with regrets.
THE NEXT TIME I heard from Noah was via an online postcard a couple of weeks later. It was a picture of him, carrying a large rucksack and stood in front of a Vietnamese temple. There was no declaration of undying love, just a simple message.
Wish you were here. Noah x
As work got busier, and I spent more time with Mum’s barrister, rehearsing for my cross-examination, the ping of postcards arriving in my inbox became something I looked forward to. Sometimes they were photos of beautiful landscapes, sometimes familiar images of tourist attractions. My favourites were the ones of Noah, looking at me instead of the glory around him. I noticed every detail that changed from picture to picture: the days he hadn’t shaved, the time he had caught too much sun, the day he finally looked at peace. But the message was always the same.
Wish you were here. Noah x
; I knew I had made the right decision. He needed to do this for himself, for Max. But I missed him with a brutality that kept me awake at night, reliving every moment we had shared.
Lauren had become a friend more than my boss and, once we knew the date of the trial, she insisted I take the week off work to be there every day. On the Saturday before the trial started, we sat down at the end of the shift and I thanked her for all she had done, giving her a pair of silver earrings and a thank you card. I was surprised when she reached into her own bag and brought out a gift, wrapped in surprisingly plain navy blue paper.
“You shouldn’t have.”
“I didn’t.” She paused for dramatic effect. “It’s from Noah. He sent it care of me to the drama school.”
I covered my face with my hands and took a deep breath. “How do you know it’s from him?”
“Because there was a letter to me with it.”
“Oh.” I took the parcel from her. Heavy. Solid.
“Don’t you want to know what he said?”
Of course I did. “What did it say?”
“I can’t tell you!” Bitch. I didn’t mean that. Not much. “He just asked me to give this to you before the trial.”
I had so many questions, most of which she couldn’t give me the answers to. “When did you get it?”
“That’s classified, I’m afraid.” She winked and stood up. “I’ll be thinking of you next week, babe. If you need to talk or to cry, give me a call. Keep me posted, yeah?”
I hugged her. “Thank you.” She blew a kiss in my direction and walked out, leaving me with my unopened gift.
By the time I got home, my patience had run out and, as soon as I sat down, I took the parcel from my bag. I admired the neat packaging and wondered if Noah had wrapped it himself or whether someone else was becoming more than a friend in need to him. Prising open the sticky-taped seam, I revealed a layer of tissue paper that hinted at its contents enough for me to work out what it was. I ripped the tissue away to reveal Max’s copy of Great Expectations. There was no need for a card or letter to explain it, to say anything.
Holding the book to my chest, I ugly cried, finally letting go of my own grief at the loss of both of them.
Looking down at the bracelet I had worn every day since Neve gave it to me, I knew there was only one way to acknowledge Noah’s gift. Picking up my phone, I took a selfie of my tear-filled face above the book.
Wish you were here. Grace x
DESPITE MUM’S LEGAL team doing all they could to prepare us for the trial, the first day in court was draining. We had decided it was best for Josh not to attend, but Beth came along so she could update him each evening on the progress. Jim was also there but maintained a discreet distance, ensuring our paths wouldn’t cross. He may have redeemed some small part of himself with the way he had looked after the house, but I would never be able to get past his role in everything that had happened.
I wasn’t allowed to sit in the courtroom until after I had testified so was stuck in a waiting room all day. I had taken Great Expectations with me, believing it was the next best thing to having Noah alongside me, but grateful to have its distraction as the hours passed.
I was brought back to the real world by the arrival of Mum’s solicitor. “Hello, Grace.”
“How’s it gone today?”
“As expected” was Mark’s lawyerly, non-committal response. “I think you’ll be called to the stand mid-morning tomorrow. The prosecution case was pretty concise but fairly damning. The jury will leave today sure that your mum stabbed him repeatedly with a knife, and that was his cause of death. But we knew it would all hinge on the defence.”
“What’s the jury like?” I had been told that the make-up of the jury could be critical to the outcome.
“It’s hard to tell. More men than women which is possibly a bad thing, but several look like they are old enough to be parents. A couple were shocked by the photo evidence of the wounds that had been inflicted.” The idea that I had to tell these people intimate details of what had happened still troubled me, but I knew it was Mum’s only chance. “Anyway, is there anything you want me to tell Andrea?” As a witness, I wouldn’t be allowed to talk to her until the hearing was over.
“Tell her I love her. And to stay strong.”
“I will. Now go home and get some rest before tomorrow.” He left me to collect my things together before I walked out of the waiting room.
And stopped dead.
There, leaning against the wall opposite, was Noah. Looking more tanned, more dishevelled, but still Noah. He stood upright and bowed from the waist.
“Your wish is my command.”
“How? Where were you? When did you get here?” I could feel myself shaking inside and out.
He closed the distance between us. “By coach, plane and then train. Hiking in the Alps. I landed about three hours ago.” God, his smile was glorious. “Where now, Grace?”
“Umm, I hadn’t thought this far ahead,” I admitted.
“Well, I could do with a shower and some fresh clothes. Do you want to come back to mine, or shall I go home and then come over to yours?”
There were too many raw memories tied up at his house, and that wasn’t the day to confront them. “Come over to mine? Whenever you’re ready.”
“See you in an hour” was all he said before picking up the rucksack I hadn’t noticed until then and striding down the hallway, his long-legged gait filling me with memories and more than a grain of longing.
I couldn’t remember the ride home as I unlocked my door. I still had half an hour until Noah was due so I tied my hair up in a messy bun and jumped in the shower. There was a loud knock at the door as I was drying myself ten minutes later. I tucked the towel securely around me and answered the door to a very damp, very out of breath Noah.
“You’re early,” I admonished.
“You’re beautiful.”
“You’re forgiven.” I closed the door behind him and directed him towards the lounge. “But I need another five minutes. Make yourself at home.”
Dressed in a denim shirt and leggings, I made my way to the lounge, aware that some indie-folk band was playing through my Bluetooth speaker. Noah sat on my only seat, a battered leather sofa I had picked up from a charity shop, looking at something on his phone.
“Hey,” I said with more than a degree of uncertainty. What did I want to happen next?
“Hey,” he replied. “Come here.” I sat next to him, but he turned me so my legs draped across his lap. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “A wise person once told me that there are times in one’s life when you shouldn’t make big decisions. This is one of those times. I’m here as a friend,” he said, my own words coming back to haunt me. “That’s not to say I don’t want more, but that’s a discussion for another day. Let’s just grab some dinner and catch up, like friends do.”
“Okay,” I agreed, my brain more thankful than my heart for the reprieve. “What do you want to eat?”
Sitting on the sofa half an hour later, with a steaming plate of fish and chips and a mug of tea, I felt happy. Noah regaled me with stories about exotic street food, manic public transport systems and moments of spiritual connection. As he talked, and as he listened, I could feel the connection between us, humming and buzzing with life.
“I’d better get home,” he said, looking at the time on his phone. “It’s gone ten and you’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
I took one of his hands in mine. “Stay. Please.” I was asking, not begging.
“We said no big decisions, Grace.” The note of warning didn’t trouble me.
“I know and I don’t mean in that way. Stay as my friend. I don’t want to be alone.”
His fingers played with mine as he deliberated. “If you’re sure.”
“I am. Come on, I have a spare toothbrush you can use.”
There was a moment of awkwardness when I returned from the bathroom to find him standing in my bedroom, still
fully clothed, even though I’d let him use the bathroom first.
“It felt presumptuous to get into your bed,” he confessed. “And I wasn’t sure what the dress code was.”
I gestured to my own tee shirt and boy-shorts before crawling over to the far side of my bed and holding up the covers. He took off his jeans and socks before joining me. There was a welcome familiarity to the shape and length of him, and I turned, spooning into his chest, the same way we used to sleep in his bed. His arm draped across my middle and he kissed the top of my head.
“’Night, Grace.”
“’Night, Noah.”
WHEN I WOKE the next morning, I was alone. My phone was strategically placed in the centre of the other pillow so I picked it up to see a message on my screen.
Noah: Morning, beautiful. Gone home to get dressed. Pick you up at 8.30. x
Like the evening before, his impatience got the better of him and he arrived early. Unlike the evening before, I had anticipated this and was fully dressed when I opened the door, smiling at his look of disappointment. Noah didn’t touch me on the way to the courthouse, but there was a warm easiness to the conversation that helped to relax me.
“You can sit in the public gallery and watch,” I told him once we were inside. “I’m supposed to be called sometime after ten so I’ll sit and read in the waiting room.”
“I can stay here with you until then.”
I knew my need for him would be greater in the courtroom. “If you go in now, you’ll get a better seat. I want to be able to see you. I’ll be okay.”
He stroked the side of my face, his eyes telling me things his mouth wouldn’t yet say. “I’ll be there,” he promised before making his way up the stairs.
I had read a few chapters before the court clerk came and collected me. The courtroom seemed smaller than it did on the day Mark had shown me round. The gaze of the jury was intense, but I did all I could to follow Mark’s earlier advice to give them a small smile and then look away. My eyes were drawn to the upstairs public gallery and, as promised, Noah was at the end of the front row. His smile gave me strength; after all, he had heard this before, so I wasn’t worried about shocking him with my testimony. I looked across at Mum and felt a flicker of pride at the calmness she was projecting, if not feeling.
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