by Mark Thomas
“Any minute now,” Lance said to himself. He decided to cross his toes, too.
Merry Maddox just sat there licking her chops when Lance heard the sound of a distant rumble. The black bean, chocolate frosting concoction was working. Merry Maddox leaned over and whispered in Lance's ear “I think it's time for a preemptive strike. Observe the master.”
And with that, Merry Maddox launched a silent but deadly. Psssspoot!
“Mr. Rubio, Lance is farting back here,” Merry Maddox sang.
But this time the class was ready.
“Okay class, just like we practiced this morning,” commanded Mr. Rubio. “Girls, open the windows! Boys, get ready to turn on the fans.”
And with that, everyone hopped to their assigned battle stations.
“The rest of you, up here with me. Come on, Lance. You too, Fred and Ted!” Mr. Rubio commanded. Merry Maddox was about to get up when Mr. Rubio shouted, “DON’T YOU DARE MOVE!” No one had ever heard Mr. Rubio raise his voice before. It was a first.
The whole class now stood in front of the chalkboard staring at Merry Maddox. And then it happened. A dark green cloud of fart gas began to leak from the bottom of Merry Maddox's seat. Her fart had color!
“Class, what does green symbolize?” asked Mr. Rubio. The whole class responded together, “Jealousy!”
“What else can it mean, class?” continued Mr. Rubio. The whole class responded as one, “Meanness.”
Then one of the Derrick twins said, “Yeah, green and mean, just like the Wicked Witch of the West.”
Then the other Derrick twin said, “Now we see your true colors, Merry Maddox.” And then both Derrick twins said together, “Somebody please get these spit ball things out of our hair. Gross!”
Mr. Rubio stood with his class and looked at poor little Merry Maddox sitting all by her loathsome, lonesome on Skid Row. “Merry Maddox, if you don't tell us right now who really farted in class yesterday, I will make it my life's mission to see that you are sent to reform school. Forever!”
All the kids in Mr. Rubio's class “Oooohed!” and “Aaaaahed!
“Are you going to tell the truth and take responsibility for your actions?” Mr. Rubio asked.
Everyone waited with anticipation. They held their breath, not to mention their noses.
“Boys you can turn the fans on now. Please! Thank you,” Mr. Rubio said. The boys turned on the fans.
“We're waiting, Merry Maddox,” Mr. Rubio said.
“Okay, it was me. I'm sorry. No big deal. Can I go now?” asked Merry Maddox.
And just like that, into the class walked Ms. Cox, the mysterious and elusive principal of Alfonso Orr Elementary.
The kids “Oooohed!” and “Ahhhhed!” Half the class hadn't seen Ms. Cox since they were second graders. And here she was. In the school! In their classroom! In the flesh!
Some kids wanted to ask for autographs but thought better of it. Ms. Cox, by the way, was looking very tanned, indeed. Maybe it was Hawaii.
“I'm afraid, Merry Maddox, it is a big deal, and you can't go anywhere yet,” said Ms. Cox sternly.
“Young lady, do you realize I had to cut short a very important principal conference, so I could come back here and deal with you?” questioned Ms. Cox.
“How was Hawaii, Ms. Cox? One too many late night luaus?” sneered Merry Maddox.
“Ooooh!” and “Aaaah!” cried everyone in Mr. Rubio's class, including Mr. Rubio.
Ms. Cox was as cool as a cucumber. “You are now officially expelled from Alfonso Orr Elementary, young lady,” Ms. Cox retorted.
“For what? Asking an innocent question? Lady, I don't even know where Hawaii is!” Merry Maddox spat.
“Oh, not for asking such an innocent question. Oh, heavens no, my dear. You're expelled for causing the entire evacuation of this school yesterday. The whole class and I heard you confess."
Merry Maddox was quick. "That's your word against mine. It won't hold up in court," Merry Maddox said confidently.
But Ms. Cox was quicker. “Well, maybe the video will, my dear. Everything that has gone on in this class has been on a live feed to the entire school. Smile for the camera, darling,” Ms. Cox pointed to a small camera lens above the chalkboard.
“That's a lot of words to go against,” said Ms. Cox. “Naturally, it's all being recorded. You know how I love to record things.” Ms. Cox gave Merry Maddox a sly wink.
“You're finished, my dear. Fred and Ted, I'll deal with the two of you tomorrow.” Fred and Ted immediately stopped their sneering and chomping. Sneering and chomping.
“Yes, Ma'am,” they said in unison.
Ms. Cox beckoned to Merry Maddox. “Now come with me, sweetie, or should I say 'stinky'?”
Merry Maddox was defeated. The foul wind had gone out of her sails. She slinked out of her Skid Row seat and walked limply towards Ms. Cox.
And just like that, the entire school, which had just watched the whole thing on their classroom televisions, started chanting, “Stinky Merry! Stinky Merry! Stinky Merry!”
Then Merry Maddox did something no one had thought possible. She started to cry. Merry Maddox started to cry… just like a little girl!
Chapter 13
ROYAL ROSES
Lance left Alfonso Orr Elementary before school was over. He had permission this time. Ms. Cox insisted that Lance take the rest of the day off. Tomorrow would be Lance Chance Day, and Ms. Cox wanted Lance to get his rest. There would be a lot of celebrating to do. Lance was a hero! The air had been cleared.
It seemed like forever since he had actually walked, not run, home. Lance didn't have to run anywhere now. He took his time. For a few blocks, Lance couldn't think of a thing to think about. It was perfect.
Eventually, he strode in front of Mrs. Bloomberg's house. She was in her beloved rose garden, tending to her precious Royal Victorias. Lance liked Mrs. Bloomberg just as much as he liked Mr. Rubio.
If it hadn't had been for Mr. Rubio, who knows what would have become of Lance. Thank goodness, Mr. Rubio had been willing to listen to his plan about giving Merry Maddox the sandwiches laced with the black bean concoction. But more importantly, Mr. Rubio had not only believed him, he had believed in him.
“Lance Chance! You're going home awfully early today. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” yelled Mrs. Bloomberg.
“It's a good thing, Mrs. Bloomberg. Everything is coming up roses!” cried Lance.
“I'm glad you said that because I have one for you. Come over here,” Mrs. Bloomberg demanded.
Lance went happily and stood next to Mrs. Bloomberg.
Mrs. Bloomberg then snipped a rose and handed it to Lance. It was as beautiful and royal as Mrs. Bloomberg.
Lance said, “Thank you very much.” He carefully put the rose into his backpack. I heard what happened at school,” Mrs. Bloomberg said.
“Already?” Lance asked.“Wilamena Wilten just phoned me. She knows everything just after it happens,” said Mrs. Bloomberg.
“That sure is a nice way of saying she likes to gossip,” said Lance.
Mrs. Bloomberg just smiled.
Chapter 14
SWEET!
Lance walked into the kitchen. He was home.
“Oh, Lance, thank goodness you’re home,” said his mom, standing in the kitchen with a worried look.
“Mom, I know I’m home early, but I can explain,” said Lance.
“Oh, honey, there’s no need,” his mom said. “Mr. Rubio phoned and told me everything. I am so sorry.”
“Oh, Mom, who would have believed it—farts having colors and all?”
His mom said, “Well, I do now.”
“But why the worried look, Mom?” Lance asked.
“When Mr. Rubio phoned me, it was too late.”
“What was too late, Mom?” Lance asked
“Well, I used the rest of the frosting you made. I thought you made it for me, for the cake. And I served it to the book club ladies right before Mr. Rubio phoned,” explained Lanc
e's mom.
"Oh, no," said Lance.
“Go look in the living room,” his mom said.
Lance walked to the door of the living room. What Lance saw left him awestruck. The ten book club ladies were all frozen in place like department store mannequins. Plates and pieces of cake littered the floor. Even though they weren't moving, the book club ladies were farting up a storm! Clouds of farts in various colors floated around the living room and towards the ceiling.
The entire room was an explosion of sound and color. There were red farts, blue farts, brown farts, purple farts, orange farts, pink farts, and chocolate colored farts. Lance suddenly thought about M&Ms, the candy, not Merry Maddox's posse, and laughed.
As much fun as it was to watch, Lance knew those poor, old book club ladies would be carted off to a funny farm if he didn't do something fast. Lance ran back to the kitchen.
“Mom, quick, give me another ‘wish-kiss,’” Lance said.
“Yes, of course!” said Lance's mom. She planted another ‘wish-kiss’ on the top of his head.
Then Lance made his wish. “I wish farts didn't have colors,” Lance said
“Lance, go back in there and check. I can't show my face,” pleaded Lance’s mom.
Lance went back to the living room. There were no more colors. The book club ladies just sat there, still unable to move or talk. They were in fart shock.
And then Lance heard two or three more farts rip, but there were no colors. The “wish-kiss” had worked again.
For some strange reason, Lance felt sad. He actually missed the colors. Then Lance started smiling. Farts having colors? Who could have imagined such a crazy thing! Lance walked back into the kitchen.
“Well, Mom, no more colors. The 'wish-kiss' worked.”
And then just like that, they heard another round of farting. It sounded like a parade of flash bulbs exploding at a Hollywood movie premiere. Poot! Poot! Poot! Poot! But there would be no colors this time.
“Well, Lance, I guess some things are better “heard and not seen,” Lance and his mom finished together. They both laughed.
“Oh, Mom, one more thing.”
Lance went over to his backpack and pulled out the rose Mrs. Bloomberg had given him. He gave it to his mom.
"I love you, Mom,” said Lance.
And just like that, Lance's mom smelled the rose, and it was sweet.
The End
(Told you!)
Chapter 15
Merry’s Last Words
Hi. My name is Merry Maddox. I’m a bully.
Hey, I can’t help it. I was drawn this way. But you can help protect yourself from real, live bullies if you follow a few simple steps.
And who better, than me, to guide you? Well, it was either that or face being erased. I’m a lot of things—cruel, dishonest, rude, diabolical, just to name a few—but stupid ain’t one of ‘em.
Before I give you some steps on how to deal with a bully, it’s important that you know what bullying is.
Some kids have been bullied and didn’t even know it was bullying. See, bullying is more than just being threatened or having your lunch money taken.
If you’ve ever been left out of group activities at school on purpose, you’ve been bullied.
If someone is spreading false, mean rumors about you, you’ve been bullied.
If someone called you nasty names or made fun of you, you’ve been bullied.
If someone has purposely made you feel sad or alone, you’ve been bullied.
So, without further ado, here are some simple steps you can use when dealing with a bully.
Tell Someone
Tell someone if you’re being bullied. This is the most important step. Tell your parents, your teacher, your school counselor, or your principal. I hate it when someone tells on me, especially that Lance Chance.
Avoidance
Do your best to avoid bullies. You still need to carry on with your normal routine, like going to school and junk, but avoid situations where a bully picks on you. If a bully usually picks on you on the way to school, take a different route. Change it up.
Be Brave
Being brave or just acting brave can sometimes stop a bully. When you give the appearance of being brave and calm, bullies go the other way. I know I do.
Don’t Fight Back
Fighting back only gives a bully what he or she is looking for: your reaction. Bullies aren’t happy people, but one thing that makes them happy is fighting. Why should you make a bully happy and possibly end up in trouble yourself. It’s not worth it. I can’t believe I’m telling you all this.
Find a Friend
Make sure you have a friend at your side whenever you think you might run into a bully. Bullies like to pick on you when you’re by yourself. There’s not only safety, but strength in numbers.
Walk Away
If a bully approaches you, walk away. It takes a lot of confidence and self-esteem to walk away, and simply walking away from a bully may be enough to stop him. Remember, bullies are really just cowards looking for attention. Don’t give them any.
Be A Friend
If you see a kid being bullied, come to his or her aid. Sticking up for someone else lets the bully know that terrible behavior won’t be tolerated. Also, you might make a new friend.
And if you tell any of my friends I told you all this, I’m gonna… oh, I almost forgot…I don’t have any friends.
Merry
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Lawton Thomas was born in Savannah, Georgia. After graduating from the University of Georgia, Mr. Thomas worked as a copy writer for various advertising agencies in Atlanta and Manhattan. Eventually, he returned to the South and began writing a weekly column for Creative Loafing and voicing them for Georgia Public Radio. Somehow he found time to edit Contents magazine, an award-winning quarterly, as well.
Presently, Mr. Thomas is involved in his most challenging job to date …teaching 6th grade Language Arts in Atlanta . When he isn’t teaching his little heart out, grading essays with his trusty, red Sharpie, or working on his next book, Mr. Thomas can be found fast asleep on a couch somewhere in Buckhead.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I am deeply grateful to everyone at Peak City Publishing. Shiloh Burnam, thank you for not signing my first contract with invisible ink. Kerry Holjes, thank you for your deft editing and keen eye. How are you with tax returns? Derrick Eason, you put the "ill" in illustration.
My deepest appreciation to April, Deborah, Donn-Evans, Elke, Hayden, John P, Monique, Renae, David, and Wayne for their phenomenal cheerleading skills. I love you guys.
Thanks to my awesome students at Sutton Middle School who continue to make me laugh and cry every single day. Go Cougars!
Above all, I would like to thank Alonzo M. Alston, without whose resilience and ‘fartitude’ this book simply would not exist.
ORDER MORE BOOKS AND CHECK OUT THE INTERACTIVE WEB SITE:
WWW.WHENFARTSHADCOLORS.COM
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15