Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  “A whole bottle, Luc? We’re only three people.”

  “Alexis, it’s a bottle service section. You need to order a whole bottle or you can’t sit here. We don’t have to drink it all.” He smiles, and I shrug. It’s kind of wasteful, but I guess he’s used to living with extravagance. Only a few minutes pass and the waitress returns with our shots on her tray. She places the shots on the table and smiles only at Luc.

  I down a shot, then another, and we hit the dance floor. The music’s thumping and I move my body in rhythm, building up a sweat. Luc’s words sit heavily on my chest, but I try to act like everything’s okay. I’m good at masking my true feelings.

  Luc can move on the dance floor. Our bodies bump and grind against each other, and I wish I felt more relaxed. I turn around to look for Anna, but she’s disappeared. She drank the shots with us then melted into the crowd.

  “Hey, Bandita, there you are! I lost you for a bit.” She’s panting, totally wasted. She gives me a huge hug, well more like she grabs on to my neck. “I love you, Lex. You’re beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you different. You shouldn’t take shit from anyone, do you hear me?”

  I know what she’s doing, but I took shit for so many years, I’m good at it. I never did anything to stop it. Now I just want to have fun. I don’t want to think about my past.

  Luc walks up to us and whispers in my ear, “I’m going to the restroom. What can I get you to drink?” I yell Sex on the Beach a little too loudly. A few guys standing around me give me a nod, and Luc glares at them. He’s a big guy, and most guys would be scared to start a fight with him. He walks away, and Anna and I dance together a little wildly. The knot in my stomach unravels now that he’s gone. A few guys approach us from behind, but we brush them off. I enjoy my time with Anna, silently wishing that Luc wasn’t here with us.

  Dylan

  December 2012

  I can’t believe she’s here. I noticed her walk in with the French guy and a friend. Why is she still with him? Her friend looks happy, hyper, but Lexi has a sadness in her eyes. I can see it from across the room. Something’s gotten her down. Her head is slightly bowed as if her pride has been hurt. It’s something she’s always done when that’s happened. It’s hard for her to see the perfect angel she really is.

  I had time off for the holiday. Doing my residency at the Massachusetts General Hospital is great, but I’m always happy to come home for Christmas. Seeing Lexi reminds me of our first Christmas together as a couple. Shit, that was like eight years ago, when I promised her I would always keep her in my life. I definitely didn’t keep that promise. I really fucked up. So much time has passed. I wonder if she can forgive me. Our little coffee shop meeting proved that she still has feelings for me. The way our bodies and minds are drawn to each other is something I’ve never experienced with another girl. She’s the one.

  The image of her riding me in the driver’s seat so wild and free is sealed into my mind. She’s so damn sexy and loving and the fact that we had sex means everything. I can’t let her just brush it off. I was sure when it happened that she’d come back to me, but I should have expected her panic. She still doesn’t trust me. I have to find a way to fix that.

  I wonder what Lexi’s plans are for Christmas. It’s always a tough time of year for her. Holidays were never a happy time in her house. Nothing was ever a happy time over there. I watch as she walks over to the bar, her golden hair bouncing, her hips slightly swaying. She reaches the bar and throws back some shots, and it looks like she’s had a lot of practice at that. Then she heads back to the dance floor and begins dancing with the French prick. She doesn’t look like she’s having fun; she seems resigned. He can’t keep his hands off her body. It’s making me sick watching, but I can’t stop.

  The look on her face tells me something’s very wrong. I can’t imagine what happened to make her feel so low. The French asshole walks away, and I wish he would just leave. He goes out the front doors of the club, and I think he’s actually gone.

  I came to the club with Matt and a bunch of guys from high school. I don’t want to be anti-social, but I follow the French prick out to the alley to see that he’s really left so I can go back in and talk to Lex. I walk out of the club to the other side of the entrance and pretend to check my phone. He’s on the phone, with his back facing me. He’s speaking in French. I took advanced French in school. I have a knack for picking up languages so I’m fluent.

  He sounds pissed off and he’s pacing back and forth, rubbing his hands through his hair. He mentions something about the feds following him, that he has to be careful or the whole organization could be in jeopardy. He starts swearing, I think. He says he’s getting out of town for a couple of weeks so things should mellow out with him being gone, and he can take care of the transactions overseas. Then he’s yelling again. Something about not dragging the girl into it. He closes his phone, irritated, and when he turns around, his eyes lock onto mine. I freeze, worried he may recognize me from the night of the bonfire. I turn my back quickly and put the phone to my ear. When I turn around, he’s gone. He must have walked back into the club.

  My heart begins to pound and my palms get all sweaty. Who the hell is this guy? If the feds are after him, he must be into something serious. I need to get Lexi away from him. I wonder if he made her sad and that’s why her head was bowed. I can’t go back to Cambridge knowing she’s in trouble. He mentioned that he’s going away. I hope he’s not taking her with him.

  I stomp back into the club and try to figure out a plan to help Lexi. Her boyfriend sounds like a criminal, and I can’t imagine she knows about it. I can’t get close to her though.

  “Hey man, what’s going on?” Matt asks, knocking me in the shoulder. My eyes are glued on Lex, and he focuses on exactly the point I’ve been fixated on for the past five minutes.

  “Dude, you’re still hanging on that one?” Matt grins. “Either go over there and get her back or stop drooling.” He laughs, and when I ignore him, he walks off to dance with some girl.

  LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem starts up and everyone goes wild, jumping in the air. Waving their hands and moving to the fast beat. I can’t stop watching Lexi. She’s dancing with the French prick and she looks drunk, but her face is solemn.

  A girl with long dark hair walks up to Lexi and whispers in her ear, and the asshole stops dancing and also whispers something in Lexi’s ear. Then he heads out the door. I take a quick peek outside and see him walk down the alley and enter the backseat of a black Escalade. I’m relieved because I need to get Lexi’s attention and tell her what I overheard. She could be in danger. Lexi begins to dance with her friend, a smile returning to her perfect face, and I silently wish that it was me who put the smile there.

  Chapter 26

  Goodbye for Now

  Lexi

  December 2012

  I’m having fun dancing with Anna, getting a little wild now that Luc’s gone. It’s nice to have a break from him. This guy comes up behind me and starts dancing. He’s a good dancer, and our bodies move in sync with each other. I feel like I’m back to my old self, before I began trying the relationship thing. Anna melts away from me, as if she’s a Popsicle. The guy smells good, a mix of musky cologne and soap. It reminds me of someone, but the thought passes because it will never be. If I wasn’t good enough before, I’m definitely not now.

  I turn around to take a look at the guy because I’m getting all hot and tingly. My face falls when I see who it is. His eyes lower immediately, and I want to punch him out. “Dylan, what are you doing?” He lifts both hands in the air, surrendering, his lips quirked up in a smile so sexy I could drop my panties right here.

  I didn’t think we would ever see each other again. I can’t believe he’s here and trying to speak to me. “Dylan, there’s nothing to say,” I tell him pointedly.

  “You’re wrong, Lex. There’s a lot to say, and we owe it to each other to listen. Can we keep dancing? I’ll keep my distance, just so we can talk.” He
shouts in my ear over the loud music while his hand lightly brushes my waist. I’m hesitant, but the smell of him close to me makes it hard to deny him. He’s wearing me down with the pouty look he’s giving me, and my ability to push him away diminishes.

  He’s my best friend, my soul mate. Still. And he looks good. He’s got stubble on his chin and he’s wearing dark blue jeans that are sitting low on his waist, defining his abs, and a fitted black t-shirt that accentuates his strong arms. His deep, ocean blue eyes sear into me, and his dark brown hair has the I-just-had-sex ruffled look that I always found irresistible. Geez, I feel like I’m blushing right now.

  He looks at me meaningfully. “You’ve really turned into a beautiful woman. I mean I always knew that you would, but you’re more beautiful than I pictured in my dreams. The last time we were together I thought it meant you had forgiven me. I didn’t expect you to run. I know I have to earn back your trust, but please give me a chance to do it.” He’s being honest and sweet, and I’m mesmerized by the man in front of me as if I’ve entered some sort of hypnotic state. I can’t escape the ecstasy of watching and feeling him.

  “Lex, I’m going to check if Harvard will let me fulfill my residency obligations here at one of the hospitals in Toronto, at least for now. That way I can be close to you and prove to you that I never betrayed your trust. I admit I should have tried harder to keep you close, even after I went off to university. I should have worked it out somehow; I never should have abandoned you.” The music’s loud, and he’s yelling at the top of his lungs into my ear. I look at him, confused. Why is he saying all this now? Doesn’t he understand that it doesn’t change anything?

  “Lex, give me your number. We can be in touch as friends. Please give me this chance.” I’m completely torn. I can’t be his friend, not after everything we’ve been through, not with the heat I feel vibrating through my body when he’s near. I don’t know how to control myself around him, and he clearly has no control when it comes to me.

  The electronic dance music pulses, and the DJ’s unreal. Our bodies mold closely together. We’ve stopped talking. We’re just feeling, and we stare as unspoken words fly between us—it’s a dream. Our bodies bump and grind together. In spite of the bad, I’m in a state of awe, forgetting who and where I am and who brought me to the club. I can feel and see only him, his smell, his touch, the way his baby blues see right through me. I begin to remember how he felt inside me. No one has ever fit so good; no one ever felt so right. I love him, and it’s different. The revelation doesn’t surprise me. I gave Dylan my heart a long time ago.

  “Lex?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Let’s get out of here,” he says with a breathy tone.

  I know what he’s asking. I see the look in his eyes. They’re devouring me, and I want to be devoured.

  “I drove here. I’m the DD so we can take my car.”

  I forget that I’m in the club with Anna. I’ve practically forgotten my name.

  Dylan pulls me by the hand, walking on a mission. It’s the middle of December, and it’s freezing outside. Snow’s falling in a light mist and the streets are covered in wet slush, making it hard to walk in my stilettos. But Dylan holds my hand, guiding me toward his car, and I don’t even care how cold my feet are. We enter the car, panting, and he blasts the heat, then slips off my jacket and runs his finger softly up and down my arm.

  “You’re so beautiful. You’re my angel, Lex. Please tell me you won’t run if we do this.” His breathing is labored, and he’s waiting for me to say something. “Do you want me, Lex?”

  I look at him, nodding. I don’t know if I’ll run after, but I want him, bad. It’s all he needs to hear. He thrashes his mouth to mine. His lips are hungry and mine meet his with the same hunger. He moves down to my neck and places his hand on my breasts. “I love kissing your lips and you taste so damned good.”

  He rubs my back, unclasping my bra. I know he can feel the unevenness of my scars. “You feel so good, Lex. Like silk. You’re perfect.”

  It feels good, especially after Luc spoke about my scars the way he did. I’m revived, I feel wanted, and he pulls me on top of him so that I’m straddling him, like last time. He opens his buckle and zipper, staring at me, his eyes revealing so much feeling. He takes two fingers and puts them inside me. He gasps as he feels me. He makes it look like it’s the best thing he’s ever felt. “No one has ever felt as good as you.”

  I begin kissing him hungrily. It’s as if two souls are meeting.

  “Shit, fuck, fuck.” Dylan’s swearing and I’m bewildered. “I want you, Lex, but it won’t be right for us to do this right now.” He looks like a scared boy stuck between doing the right thing and taking what he wants.

  “I need to make things right with you. This isn’t sex to me. I want you.” I look at him as if he’s fallen from the stars. I know what he means. I just don’t get why he wants me in that way. “We need to build our trust back and believe me, babe, the next time we make love, we are going to be together.” He’s calling me babe. It always turned me on when he used to call me that.

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Dylan. There are no second chances at life. There’s only what we make of it and our relationship is gone. It’s long gone.” The words sting as they leave my mouth.

  His eyes are still wide, even a little wet, and I think he’ll give up. He takes my chin so he’s only an inch away from my face. “I know you like the back of my hand. You‘re scared so you go running. Well, guess what? I’m going to run after you and show you that there are second chances. I will make you mine, Alexis White, if it’s the last thing I do.”

  He’s being all hot and cocky right now, and I have to admit, it’s damn sexy. I want to believe his words, he’s so convincing. But at the end of the day if I give into him, he will eventually hate me. I’m a slut, I don’t want children, and I would make a horrible wife. And this situation with Dylan also makes me into a cheater. Clearly my whole value system is screwed up.

  The drive back to the apartment is uncomfortably silent. Holding on to his steering wheel like it’s his life line, Dylan says, “Lex, I need to tell you something. I know we have trust issues, but you need to know that I only want the best for you and I’ve never lied to you.” His eyes glance over to me, making me nervous.

  “What is it?” I ask, looking at him intently.

  “I followed your boyfriend out of the club when he left earlier.”

  “You followed Luc.” My eyes go wide. Has Dylan lost it? “Why?”

  “I wanted to see if he left so I could speak with you,” he says softly.

  “Oh.”

  “Look, he was talking on the phone in French. He said that the feds were after him, Lex. Do you know what he does for a living?”

  “He’s a computer geek. You misunderstood.” I brush him off. What on earth is he trying to do?

  He shakes his head. “I didn’t misunderstand. He said the feds were following him and that he needed to leave town for a while so things will cool down.”

  “Dylan, this is ludicrous. I know you have some fantasy that we’ll get back together one day, but this is not the way to go about it. What’s wrong with you?” I open the car door and walk out, slamming it shut. I’m definitely drunk. I wanted to take my mind off of Luc’s insult earlier, but this night has become crazier by the minute.

  I walk to the apartment unsteadily, not caring that I’m practically tripping in my stilettos. I don’t know what’s gotten into Dylan or if tonight will be our final goodbye, but it’s goodbye for now.

  Chapter 27

  The Man Who Holds My Heart in His Hands

  “Shit, Bandita, where the hell were you? I was worried about you. You ditched me back there. That is not cool,” Anna scolds me as I walk through the door of our apartment.

  “Sorry. I thought you would have found a hookup or something,” I say, slurring my words a bit.

  Anna moves in close to me, like she’s sniffing for information. “You slept with
him, didn’t you?” she asks, both hands on her waist.

  “With who?” I ask innocently, but I know she won’t buy my act.

  “Come on, Lex, don’t play me for a fool. I may be drunk, but I’m not that drunk.”

  “Sorry, no we didn’t. Almost though. I just feel so confused,” I say, slumping over on a kitchen stool. “I’m drunk, Anna, and fucked up. I don’t know what to do.” My head falls like a heavy bowling ball into my hands. The alcohol has made me brave, and I say what I’m feeling, a rare event.

  Anna comes and puts her arm around me. “You really love him, don’t you?”

  “It doesn’t matter how I feel, Anna. It’s never going to work.”

  “Why don’t you give him a chance, Lex? Maybe you guys just had a misunderstanding. He seems like a good guy.”

  “Seriously, Anna? Now you’re taking his side? You knew it was him dancing with me before I did, didn’t you?” I ask, narrowing my eyes to slits.

  “Yeah, he looks exactly how you described him. Okay, maybe a tinge better.” She holds her pointer finger to her thumb.

  “Okay, I’m exhausted. I don’t know how much more I can take today, and I need to sleep.” I get up from the stool and slowly stumble toward my bedroom. “Dylan has this fucked up idea that Luc is a criminal,” I mumble.

  “What?” Anna asks, tilting her chin forward as if trying to understand.

  “He thinks Luc is a criminal.”

  “What would give him that idea?” Anna wobbles over to me.

  “Take off your heels. How are you still wearing them?” I look at her and my own feet hurt just watching her in her stilettos.

  “What? Oh.” She bends down to take them off and loses her balance. Aren’t we a pair? So why is Luc a criminal?”

  “Dylan said he overheard Luc on the phone saying the feds are after him.”

  “Shit, Lex, didn’t Ash hear something similar?”