He gets off the bed. “I don’t need this shit.” Then he gets up and walks out of the room, and a second later, I hear the office door slam shut.
I crawl into a ball on the bed. I won’t cry. I can take the pain. The hit feels different coming from a man. When Mom hit me, it got to a point that I would zone out when she was pounding her fists into me. She already did her damage with her name calling and the abuse so she couldn’t bring me lower than I already felt. But I’ve been intimate with Luc. And he made me believe I could trust him.
I always said I was a survivor, but I’ve really never been faced with something so frightening. Luc’s a serious criminal, and I’m legally married to him. He thinks I’m carrying his baby. That might be my key, but it will be a dangerous card to fold. I need to wait it out and see how things unravel.
I fall asleep and wake up in the same fetal position. School is all I have right now so I focus on that. I walk into the bathroom, still dizzy and nauseous from morning sickness. It says in the book that it should be over around the third month, but I don’t feel like there’s an end in sight. I vomit into the toilet then I brush my teeth, and even the taste of the toothpaste makes me gag.
I’m not startled by the swollen, black eye staring back at me when I look in the mirror. I’ve been here before. I put on a pair of sunglasses, and when I leave, I’m grateful that Luc’s nowhere to be seen. I don’t know how Anna is going to react when she sees me in class. There’s no way for me to hide this bruise.
I walk into the lecture hall, instead of heading up to the front like I usually do, and take a seat in the back row, hoping to go unnoticed. Anna sees me and gets up from her seat to sit beside me.
“Hey, Lex, how are you holding up?” she asks, but then she gets a look at me and becomes quiet. “Take off those glasses right now, Alexis White,” she orders.
“Geez, Anna, you sound like my mother! It’s freaking me out. Stop it.” I lower the glasses and duck my head. I hear her sharp intake of breath as if she can feel my pain. No one really can, though. “It’s not as bad as you think. I’m fine.” I try to convince her and myself.
“This is not okay. This is not okay! You need to get the hell away from him before he kills you,” she says a little too loudly.
With my finger pressed against my lips, I motion for her to keep it down and whisper, “I wish I could, but I’m scared to leave. I need to wait it out and see what happens.”
“I don’t like this. We need to go to the cops,” she insists.
“I can’t, Anna. The more I’m around him, I can see how dangerous he really is. He’s into major criminal activity. I’m just trying to stay alive,” I reply, pointing to my stomach that’s barely noticeable. She’s thinking how to help me, but I don’t think anyone can at this point. The truth is I’m hoping Luc will get arrested. He seems to think the feds are after him, and I’m hoping they are. I want to go to the police myself, but I’m scared of Luc’s reaction if he found out. Nathan keeps popping up in my mind, but I don’t really know him or what he does to trust him with something so serious.
I walk home after a long day of classes, exhausted and trying to remember if I ate anything today. I don’t think I have. I chide myself. I have a baby to think of. I’ve lost weight from throwing up and a lack of appetite. I stop at a diner on my way home to get a bite to eat since I’m not comfortable eating anything in the condo. I don’t even want to be there.
I order a cheeseburger, fries, and a vanilla milkshake. It’s an excessive meal, but it reminds me of better times. Dylan and I used to go to a burger joint around the corner from our house and order the exact same meal. I was a teenager with a really good metabolism so I wasn’t counting calories. Right now I need a little pick-me-up. I sit by a window at the front, watching strangers go by. My sunglasses are still on despite the darkening sky outside. I don’t want to draw attention to my eye. I finish the burger and sit for a moment, dread looming over me.
Chapter 40
I Need To Do Something about It
Dylan
January 12, 2013
I just ended a twenty-four hour shift. Another busy day in the emergency room, and I’m exhausted and completely worn down. I stop by a diner I’ve been frequenting since moving back to the city. I have no desire to make my own meals, and I don’t really know how to anyway. As I approach the diner I think I see Lexi sitting in the window. I want to run up to her and ask her what the hell is going on. Why would she run off and get married like that? And is this child mine? But I stand frozen, knowing that Lexi needs to be approached carefully and at the right time or else she’ll run.
I can see the remains of a cheeseburger, fries, and vanilla shake on her table, and it makes me chuckle that she still eats what we ate in high school. It gives me hope that I’m still a part of her. That she hasn’t completely let me go.
I notice she’s wearing sunglasses, which seems odd considering how dark it’s getting outside. I enter the diner and order the same meal as she did. My every instinct is to sit beside her and talk to her, but she seems so withdrawn. I take the food and sit beside her anyway. It’s a bold move, but I need to know what’s going on.
Her eyes go wide. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here for you.”
“Cut it out, Dylan. I’m not in the mood.” I reach over to remove her sunglasses so I can see her beautiful blue eyes, but she swats my hand away. “Leave me alone, Dylan,” she snaps, but there’s no bite to it.
“I will never leave you alone. What’s going on? Talk to me, Lex.” I place a hand on her shoulder.
“Seriously, I’m not up for this, Dylan.” She looks at me, her head tilted to the ground. “What are you doing back in town anyway?”
“I told you I would get my residency moved to town and I did,” I reply, hoping she will finally realize how much I want her despite the fact that she’s in this farce of a marriage.
“I have to go, Dylan. Please leave me alone.” She grabs her purse and runs out. I stand up and chase after her, but she begs me not to follow her. I stop because I don’t want to hurt her. The sadness and despair Lexi is carrying is engraved in my mind. She doesn’t even remember that it’s my birthday. I know she’s in trouble and I need to do something about it.
Chapter 41
Will My Life Ever Be Normal?
Lexi
I walk to Luc’s apartment, and it takes me back to a time when I was a little girl going home, not knowing what type of mood Mom would be in, and if I should prepare myself for a beating. When I open the door, Luc is there, and I know instantly that he’s been drinking again. I remember when we first began dating that he said he didn’t want to get involved with the family business and that he was forced into it by his father. In that, we have a lot in common. Neither of us came from happy homes.
“Hey, mon cherie, come to the kitchen. I ordered us some Italian for dinner.” Luc waves to me. Clearly, he’s in a good mood. He gives me a peck on the cheek and looks at me with sorrowful eyes, gently touching my eye with his finger. I shiver, afraid for him to get any closer.
I step into the kitchen. “I’m good. Thank you, Luc. I’ve already eaten.” I can’t look at him after what he did, and I want to get away from him so he can’t do it again.” I have a lot of homework to get through so I should start right away.” I turn on my heel and head straight for the bedroom.
I can’t get any work done because I flinch at every noise outside the door, waiting for him to come back and finish what he started. Five hours later, I’m staring at the walls, trying to figure a way out of this mess. With no solution I get ready for bed. I brush my teeth, which still causes me to retch, and put on a two piece pajama set. It’s not sexy. I don’t want to give him any ideas, and I crawl into bed just as Luc stumbles into the room drunk. Shit.
“I’m glad you’re still awake,” he slurs. “Come bring that pretty, little ass over to me. I need it.” He unbuttons his shirt, swaying all over the place.
&nb
sp; Sweat pops on my palms. “Not tonight, Luc. I’m tired and feeling sick,” I respond, holding the blanket up to my chin so he sees I’m clearly ready to fall asleep.
“Cut the bullshit, Alexis, and come here.” He looms over me. “I’m still the same person you married.” “Not tonight, Luc. Really.” I tremble beneath the blanket. He can’t possibly think I would give him my
body after he hit me like that. I want to close my eyes and make a wish that he’ll disappear. But it’s not going to happen. He’s seriously drunk, and I’m very scared.
He gets into bed beside me, and I know danger is near. I need to run, but running will get me into trouble. My chest constricts, and I can’t breathe. He pulls me in close to him and begins to kiss my mouth. I don’t want to kiss him back, but I have to do it because I know that if I don’t give in to him, he will take it from me on his own. The feel of his tongue in my mouth makes me gag, but I hold on. His hands are all over my body, undressing me, and I let him. At least it’s me giving in; he’s not being rough. Then he slides himself inside me. A tear trickles out of the corner of my eye, but I can’t show him, in fear that he will flip out.
He pounds into me hard, and I’m not turned on, but I don’t know if he can tell. He continues to pick up speed. I fake an orgasm so he won’t be suspicious because if I don’t, he definitely will be. He comes inside me and falls to his back, sated and panting. “That was great, mon cherie.” Then he’s out like a light.
I stay awake, constant foreboding sitting like a rock in the pit of my stomach. I try to breathe slowly to make myself relax, but I can’t. I’m angry, bitter, withdrawn, self-defeated, and lonely all at once. I cry silently, allowing the tears to drop on my pillow until it’s completely soaked and I have no more tears to cry.
***
Bang, bang, bang! I open my eyes, completely disoriented and wondering what all the noise is about. Morning rays of sunlight wash in through the window. Everything seems so bright, but darkness pervades my body. Luc is still asleep beside me. It’s Friday morning so I don’t have any classes. Bang, bang, bang! I realize it’s the front door. I quickly grab my robe, and as I get closer to the door, I hear a man shout, “Open the door! It’s the police!”
My heart sinks, but I think I know why they’re here. I open the door, and there are two police officers dressed in plain clothes, holding a warrant, and another two officers stand behind them with bulletproof vests and guns. I almost faint.
“Is this the home of Luc Blanchard?” one of the officers asks. I nod in response not able to speak. “We have a warrant for his arrest,” he says, showing me a long, yellow paper and giving me a copy.
I move out of the way, stunned at the number of officers that have come to arrest him. They charge for our bedroom. Luc’s still in bed hung over. They shove the door open, and I can hear Luc muttering something, but I can’t see him. A few seconds later they’ve dragged him from the room in handcuffs. The officer reads him his rights. Then he shows us a search warrant for the apartment. One officer stands beside me, telling me not to move until the search is complete. My heart pounds fast in my chest.
I’m happy they’re taking him away, but the situation is like a scene out of CSI: Miami. I can’t stand the sound of them rummaging through my things. I glance at Luc, his half-lidded eyes are dark, filled with defeat and he looks completely shaken.
The officers take my laptop along with Luc’s. I guess the apartment is clean other than that. I try to tell the officer that the laptop is mine, but he says that it will be checked, and if it’s not marked as evidence, it will be returned to me.
When they leave, I’m relieved, but I also know things are not over with him, not yet. He’s being charged with a list of things, and I’m not sure he’ll make bail right away. The first thing I do after the police close the door behind them is call Anna.
“Anna!” I yell into the telephone, my heart beating so fast it’s hard to calm down even though he’s not here. “It happened! He got arrested,” I say in between ragged breaths.
“Shit, Lex! What happened?” she asks.
I tell her about the police storming in. “It looks like the arrest was done by the book so there won’t be any loopholes.”
“I did a search on Luc’s family. I called someone and they said a couple of his brothers have criminal records for gambling, prostitution, and ah -” She stops mid-sentence, and I know this is not good.
“What is it? Just say it. Things can’t be worse than they already are,” I persuade her.
“Murder,” she mutters.
“Shit.” I lose my balance and fall back on the bed.
“Yeah,” she responds quietly.
I wonder what they have on him. It must be something big and he knows it, which explains all of the drinking.
“Did he hurt you again?” she asks with a pointed voice.
“I can’t talk about it. I just hope he’s not capable of murder,” I respond, and the thought of what happened last night sends cold shivers through my body. I can never tell her.
Anna sighs loudly. “I know. I wish you would talk about it. It’s not good to bottle things up,” she says, and I’m not sure if she’s talking about me or her.
“I’m not ready. I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t be sorry. I understand.” In that moment I realize that she does understand and my heart constricts at what she may have lived through.
“Do you think I should head to the police station?” I ask, trying to keep my mind clear.
“And what? Act like a concerned wife?” She huffs into the phone.
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Okay, but you have to let me come with you.”
“Okay.”
“Good. I’ll see you in half an hour,” she says and hangs up.
I take a shower, hoping the warm water will wash away the stain Luc has left behind on my body. But it doesn’t work, and I am still overcome with emptiness. While getting dressed, I look in the mirror, and I don’t recognize myself. I wonder if the old Lexi is still there, somewhere deep inside. Is what Luc did to me last night considered rape? Yes, it was. I gave in and allowed him to use my body, but I only did it out of fear of him forcing me or beating me. I thought conceding would feel better, but it feels like shit.
Anna waits for me in the lobby, with a frown on her face. “I’m really worried about you, Bandita. You don’t look so good. Maybe you should see a doctor for the pregnancy,” she recommends.
We quickly hop into the cab. “I know, but I can’t think about it right now,” I reply.
“Okay, but don’t wait too long.”
“I won’t.” I was planning to see a doctor when we first came home from Kauai but then everything got so crazy.
The cab pulls up in front of the police station. We walk inside to the front area, and a police officer comes to greet me.
“Hi, um, my husband, Luc Blanchard was arrested earlier, and I’d like to find out more about the charges against him,” I state, my teeth clattering together.
“One moment, ma’am,” the officer says curtly and goes to the computer. “He’s not in the system yet. Let me check with a colleague.”
I watch as the officer goes up to an older man and whispers with his hand lifted up to cover his mouth. The other officer says something and they both look my way. My mouth feels dry and my hands are sweating so bad I repeatedly wipe them on my tights.
“Your husband just arrived at the station. We’re waiting for a Justice of the Peace to arrive to see if bail will be set, but since it’s Friday, the bail hearing probably won’t be until Monday,” he replies sternly.
“Thank you, officer,” I say. I don’t know if I should feel relief or worry. I’m relieved to be away from Luc but scared because he doesn’t like to be locked up, and he’s probably going crazy in the cell right now. I don’t want to be around if he does get out because he’ll be furious, and I don’t want to bear the brunt of his wrath. The officer walks back to his
desk.
“Don’t worry, Lex. You’ll come home with me, and everything will be okay.” Anna tries to console me.
A moment later the same officer who spoke to me before returns to the front desk. “Excuse me, ma’am, I was just informed that the Justice of the Peace denied bail.” The officer clears his throat. “Your husband must be in for something big if the Justice dragged himself over here on a Friday.” He huffs and gives a little chuckle. My legs are glued to the place I’ve been standing in for the past five minutes. The officer continues, “Your husband is being transferred to the courthouse right now. He will be held there, pending a bail hearing in front of a judge. I’m sorry, but I can’t release any other information right now.”
Anna and I give each other a knowing look. There is something major going on. The police officer is being very discreet, meaning they don’t want the information to be public for some reason.
“Come, my friend. Let me take you home,” Anna says, guiding me to the front door. Walking out of the police station, I realize that I need to go to the courthouse. I need more information. What if Luc gets released on bail? Will he come after me? I did nothing when they took him away. Maybe he’s mad at me.
“I need to go to the courthouse, Anna. I can’t go home yet.”
Anna gives me a sad smile and follows me out of the police station. On the cab ride over to the courthouse, I try to think of a way to get some information out of the clerks. I know Luc is just arriving, but they must know something.
As I approach the clerk’s desk I’m sweating so profusely my forehead feels wet. I’m nauseous and tired and have been through too much in a single day.
“Hello, my name is Alexis White, and I am the wife of Luc Blanchard. He was just brought over to the courthouse, and we’re waiting for a bail hearing. I need to know what happens next.” Since Luc has revealed his true identity, I’m ashamed to be his wife, but I figure they may be obliged to give me some information.
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