Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  “What did she say?” I ask.

  “She said she doesn’t have classes on Friday, so she’s leaving Montreal early Thursday morning.” “Wow.” I’m a little nervous to tell my sister everything that’s happened the last couple months. I keep trying to convince myself that she’s a psych major, so she will have to get used to helping people with their problems. I know I let her down and I’m going to have to face the facts. I always made a point of saying that there is a sequence in life. People go to school, get a good education then get married and have kids. Too bad real life doesn’t work that way. As it is Ash probably doesn’t understand why I haven’t called her back. I’ve seen her name pop up on my phone a couple times since I got back from Kauai. But every time I want to pick up the call, I chicken out. I’ve been sending her brief text messages that I’m in class or at work and will call her soon. Luckily Anna touched base with her even if she didn’t mention my present predicament.

  “Okay, we’ll go out Thursday. I don’t want to disappoint you guys, and I’ve probably been a huge disappointment to Ash. Wait until she hears about the pregnancy and wedding,” I reply while lying back in the tub.

  Anna crosses her arms over her chest. “Stop being hard on yourself and give your sister more credit.

  I’m sure she understands you, Lex. Sometimes I think she understands you a lot better than you understand yourself.”

  I inhale a deep breath and let it out. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  Anna looks a little flustered and admits, “Well, I kind of asked Ashley about Dylan. I wanted to get the scoop about you guys.”

  Fuck. “That’s not cool.”

  “Sorry, but I was doing it for your own good. Ashley said he’s a really decent guy and he and his family

  were good to you two growing up. She also said that she didn’t buy your prom night story that he cheated on you. She thinks you rejected him because on a deeper level you’ve always felt like you weren’t good enough for him.”

  I can’t answer Anna because it would only confirm what I already believe. Since I found out I was pregnant, I’ve known in my heart that the baby is Dylan’s. But that same burning hole prevents me from calling and telling him. I know I need to do it soon, but I don’t know how to let him back in.

  “Earth to Alexis,” Anna says, waving her hand in my face.

  “Sorry.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “I’m thinking.”

  “You need to start sharing your thoughts.”

  I touch her arm. “Thanks, friend.” I shake my head. “I should have listened to Dylan. I swear, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m such a bad judge of character.”

  “That makes two of us, like peas in a pod.” She grins, and I splash some water on her. She leans over and gives me a hug, forgetting that I’m buck naked. The water’s gone cold, and I turn on the hot water to warm it up.

  “Can I take a bath in private now?”

  She laughs. “Sure. Sorry.” She turns around and struts out of the bathroom.

  Both Dylan and Ashley need to find out about the baby. And I need to move on.

  Chapter 44

  I Got to Do What I Got to Do

  The next two days fly by. My sister texts that she’s left Montreal and is excited to see me. I’m always happy to see her, but I’m not looking forward to the look of disappointment on her face when I tell her about the baby. Unless my mom already told her.

  I continue to attend classes, and I’m all caught up on the couple of days I missed during Luc’s initial arrest. When I originally came back to the apartment, I only brought a small bag of clothes. I left most of my things in Luc’s apartment, and I make a note to stop by there after class to pick up something to wear tonight. I’m a lot more forgetful now that I’m pregnant, something my book calls “baby brain.”

  I’m not showing yet, but there are noticeable changes in my body. My already large breasts are swollen, and I feel bloated. After classes are out for the day, I send Anna a text.

  Me: I’m heading over to Luc’s apartment to pick up some clothes.

  Anna: ‘Kay but hurry up. I don’t like you being there.

  Me: I will. I don’t like being there either. Too many bad memories.

  Anna: Your sister should be here in an hour, so move it.

  Me: I will. Geez!!

  My stomach churns at the thought of seeing Ash and having to come clean. But I got to do what I got to do.

  Chapter 45

  Bittersweet Love

  January 26, 2013

  I’m exhausted after my classes and not in the mood for a night out. My body feels heavy, and all I want is to lie on the couch and watch a movie. I can’t bail now, though. Ash is here for me, and I’m both excited and scared to see her. I have a lot of explaining to do before we go out. With dread, I slowly walk back to Luc’s apartment. I stop by the diner and grab a quick bite to eat because I’m craving another burger. It’s already seven, and I don’t have much time to get back to Anna’s for my birthday celebration.

  I open the door to Luc’s apartment and notice a light on in the bedroom. I don’t remember leaving any lights on. Then I see a shadow. My heart stops as terror washes over me.

  Shit! When was he released on bail? The hearing isn’t supposed to be until Monday. That damn lawyer of his is too good. I don’t know what to do now. How do I take my things and walk out? He’ll think I’m leaving him, and he won’t want me to leave. I’m screwed and I know it. I send Anna a quick text.

  Me: Luc is out on bail. He’s at the apartment.

  I don’t wait for her reply. I walk in and head to the kitchen, not stopping to say hello to him in the bedroom. I fill a glass with water, my hands trembling violently.

  Luc comes up from behind, placing a hand on my waist. I try not to cringe, but it’s hard. I turn around. He looks like hell. His tanned skin is pale with dark round circles around his wide eyes. He looks alert, but his hands shake. “Mon cherie, how are you?” he says, embracing me in a hug that feels more like he’s suffocating me. My body instantly tenses and my instinct is to wrap my arms around him and pretend everything is okay. But I’m frozen.

  “Come on, I know you’re upset, but we just got married. Let’s make love, and don’t worry about the rest. My lawyers are taking care of it.” He’s all smiles like he’s the most relaxed person on the planet. I can’t understand how he can be so calm with all of the charges he’s facing.

  “Luc, you’ve been lying to me the whole time. How can I overlook that?” I whisper in his ear while the hug still lingers.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to, you know? I mentioned not wanting the life my father forced me into. Well, I was talking about crime.” He laughs. “Once the trial’s over, we can go far away from here.” He nuzzles my neck, and my body temperature soars through the roof, making me lightheaded. I can also smell the stale odor of alcohol on his breath and my stomach turns.

  “I know you mentioned not wanting that life, but honestly, Luc, I met your dad, and now I understand what you meant that he’s dangerous. His pores ooze danger. I’m pregnant and you live a dangerous life. What can I possibly do for you now?” I ask, sincerely wanting an answer. I need to meet Ash and Anna, but I won’t be able to leave the apartment any time soon so I might as well get some answers.

  “I’m sorry, Alexis. I was greedy. I wanted a normal life, the perfect wife.” He sighs, and again, I feel sorrow for him. He thinks I’m perfect. And though his words should be a compliment, they sting.

  “I appreciate the endearments, Luc. But honestly, you married me to cover up your money transfer, didn’t you?” I ask, looking at him point blank.

  He smacks the wall hard with his hand, and I flinch. Will he lose his temper again? He seemed calm a second ago.

  “Damn it, Alexis, my father made me do it. Yes, I had to transfer the money and the wedding was a good distraction, but my feelings for you are real. You should know at least that.” His speech is
beginning to slur. He looks to the floor, but I think I catch regret cross his face.

  “Luc, it’s my birthday. Ash came into town tonight, and I have to go pick her up.” I wait silently, hoping he will buy my story and I can leave.

  “Let me call the driver and he can pick her up,” he offers.

  Shit! My face pales and I feel my blood pressure drop. I don’t know what to do. I can’t think.

  “I haven’t seen Ashley since Thanksgiving. She doesn’t even know we got married. I owe it to my sister to pick her up from the station.” I keep talking. “She doesn’t know I’m pregnant. You know how close we are, and I want to tell her in person, not over a telephone. You need to understand that she’s the only family I have, and I pushed her out of the most important moments of my life. Can we talk when I get back?” I try to pull away from his arms slowly, praying he doesn’t feel my body shaking. He releases me, and I walk into our bedroom.

  A second later he follows me in and falls back on the bed, rubbing his eyes very hard with his fists and then rubbing his nose. I go into the bathroom and send Anna a quick text that I’m running fifteen minutes late. Where can she be? She still hasn’t responded to the first text. There’s a knock on the door and my heart skips a few beats.

  “Alexis, what are you doing? Come out,” Luc whines. I look up at the door, my eyes wide. Sweat trickles down the side of my face. I rummage through the cabinets looking for a weapon, something to defend myself if he gets rough.

  “One second. I’m just using the washroom,” I say as nonchalantly as I can. All I find is one of my razors. I slip it into the front pocket of my jeans and leave the bathroom.

  “Come lie down, Alexis. We need to talk,” Luc says, patting the bed beside him.

  “I really can’t, Luc,” I tell him, backing toward the door. “Ash is waiting for me. I have to get going.”

  “What? You want to leave now?” He sits up, his nostrils flaring.

  “I need to go,” I say again, moving one more step toward the door.

  “No fucking way.” He snaps, his face red, and he looks enraged.

  What the hell happened to the calm Luc from five minutes ago?

  “Please, Luc, be understanding. Honestly, you’re scaring me now,” I say, hoping to reason with him on some level. Underneath his tortured soul I have to believe there is goodness in him and that he will let me leave peacefully.

  “No!” He grabs on to his head and pulls at his hair. Something is terribly wrong. He looks insane right now. I hope he hasn’t lost it on me. My skin begins to prickle as doom washes over me. Luc is unhinged.

  “Luc, are you on something?” I ask cautiously. He’s not behaving like an angry alcoholic. It’s something else.

  “A cellmate gave me cocaine, Alexis. How the hell do you think I survived two weeks in a cell? Look at my fucking head, Alexis. Before I got the cocaine, I was smashing it into the cement wall and I split it open.” He moves his hair off his face and comes close, to show me a long, jagged cut that looks stitched up.

  Holy shit. This is bad.

  “I’m sorry, Luc,” are the only words I can think to say. It really is awful. “When is the last time you did the cocaine?” I ask in a by-the-way tone.

  “Before I came home. It relaxes me. I need it right now.” He holds onto his hair with his fists.

  “Oh, did you do a lot?” I have no idea what I’m doing, but if I keep him talking, maybe he won’t touch me. Maybe he won’t hurt me.

  “I don’t fucking know what a lot is! I’ve never done drugs before!” he shouts in my face. His own face is becoming redder by the second, and I can no longer think. I need to escape.

  “Luc, it’s my birthday. Please don’t do this today. I need to pick up Ash in five minutes. She’s waiting for me.” I’m shaking from the inside out and trying hard to mask it, but my adrenaline is pumping hard and my voice sounds weak. I’m surprised he doesn’t remember that it’s my birthday, but I guess the mix of cocaine and the alcohol I smell on him has made him forget.

  “Like hell you are.” He grabs my arm tight, his eyes wild and his breathing rapid.

  I cannot let this happen. I must protect my baby.

  “Let… go…of… me! You’re… hurting… me!” I try to break out of his grip.

  “You’re my wife, and I’m not letting you go anywhere!” he screams.

  “Just let go of my arm,” I whisper, praying that he will have sympathy for me and let me leave.

  “You’re… not… listening… to… me. You… are… not… going… anywhere… This… isn’t… the… time… for… you… to… go.” Between my shaky voice and his insanity, we’re both having a hard time speaking. I pull my face back, in an attempt to distance myself from him.

  My baby. All I can think of is my baby.

  “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!” he hollers, but I don’t understand why. I look behind me to see what he’s looking at, but nothing is there.

  “What is it, Luc?” I ask cautiously, but he doesn’t respond. He has a distant look on his face and I don’t know if he can even hear me. “Luc, I think we should get a divorce. We’re not good for each other. This isn’t good for the baby.”

  His wild eyes flick back to my face. “I will never divorce you. I’ve taken my oath of marriage seriously.” He sneers at me, and my life with Mother flashes before my eyes. Every mean sneer, every hateful word, every bruise and scratch, and all the pain it left behind. And I snap. The abuse has to end. A rush of adrenaline runs through me. My mind is in overdrive.

  “Well, if you took it so seriously, you wouldn’t have lied.”

  His eyes look like they’re bulging out of his head, and he’s a big guy so I’m way out of my league. I need to make it to the door and bolt, only my gut is telling me that this won’t be an easy task.

  “You’re mine, and you’re not going anywhere!” he bellows then yanks me to him, kissing my neck. I’m so disgusted I want to vomit.

  I push him away from me. The mouse has left the building, I think to myself. “Stop it! I don’t want you kissing me!” And then I deliver the final blow. “Besides, you shouldn’t want me anyway. This baby is not yours.” The words fly out of my mouth, and there’s no going back.

  He goes rigid, and his eyes widen. When I see the truth dawn, I start to shake, regretting my sudden burst of bravery.

  In an eerily calm voice, he says, “You’re… my… wife, and I’ll… do… what… I… want… with… you.”

  Fear pumps through my veins. The last time he wanted me I conceded and gave him my body. So much has happened, and I can’t willingly let him touch me. I can’t bring myself to do it. He’s lost his mind right now. I can see it in his withdrawn eyes and slurred speech.

  “You look so flucking hot in those jeans.” He gropes my behind forcefully. Flucking? He can’t even get the words out straight. He pulls me into him with a sly smile. It’s like he thinks this is a game.

  “Not now. I have people waiting for me. I need to go. They’ll worry if I don’t show up,” I say, trying to make it seem like people know where I am and could come at any minute.

  He pulls me even closer, squeezing both my arms. He rips the button off my jeans and lowers the zipper. His nails pierce my skin, and I struggle against him, which is maybe a mistake. But I can’t let him do it to me again. He touches my breasts with one hand and sticks his other hand in my panties. I don’t know what comes over me, but I smack him hard across the face. He stares at me, shock filling his eyes, and an evil smile appears on his face. Like I’ve challenged him again and he’s enjoying it. I want to pull the blade out of my pocket and hurt him, but he’s got a strong hold on the hand that’s closest to my pants.

  “Good, Alexis. I like when you’re feisty. Whose baby is it? You really want me to believe it’s not mine?” His breathing is fast. I’ve turned him on instead of pushing him away.

  I need to stand up for myself. It’s something I’ve never done. Not even with my mother. But it’s difficult when my opp
onent is so big and strong.

  His smug grin tells me something bad is about to happen. He approaches me swiftly and throws me onto the bed like I’m a piece of lint. I go flying and land hard on my back. He’s on top of me like a cheetah tearing apart its prey. I have no strength left in me to fight him, and my kicking and screaming get me nowhere. He backhands me across the face, the gold of his ring hitting my eye. I feel warmth as blood runs down my face.

  Something breaks in me. The first time Dylan patched me up was after my mom smacked me in the eye. I remember Dylan telling me it’s not right that she hit me and that I should tell someone — I have to fight.

  Everything becomes surreal, as if I’m watching a video. He pulls down my pants so they’re sitting on my ankles and spreads my legs far apart. He gets up for a moment to undo his pants and when he’s looking down, I kick him as hard as I can in the balls with the heel of one of my boots. He falls over, swearing at me in French. I run for the door, but as I’m running he yanks me backward by my hair, and I fall, smashing my head on the hardwood floor. He’s not done with me, and he stands above me, from this angle looking like an evil giant. He kicks me hard in the stomach over and over again, and the last thing I hear is, “You bitch.”

  Chapter 46

  The Angel

  Have you ever been at such a low point in your life when you saw the light to the other side? I thought it was something that people experienced when they were old and gray and had lived a life full of hopes, dreams, accomplishments, and family. I never thought that the angel would come for me at twenty-five. It’s my birthday.

  It’s also the day I die.

  She’s here. I can see the light around her and feel the warmth of her presence, amber liquid pouring too quickly over my head. The heat flows between my legs. What’s happening? So much blood leaves my body. I can’t feel pain. I see only light and crimson. This is my end, but I’m not ready. I have so many things left unfinished, so many mistakes to correct. This is all my fault. The baby will die and I did this.