Nice! The only downside is they have Ms Grimm’s face engraved on the back. The iPods, that is, not the high-performing students. Engraving students would be child abuse.
“Expensive reward,” I mutter.
“Probably discounted.” Porter appears behind me. “Mr Kazinsky, the science teacher, owns a big electronics store in town.”
“Mr Kazinsky? Of Kazinsky Electronics? Teaches here?”
I’m pretty sure there aren’t forty million Kazinskys in the world. More links. More connections. How wide has Ms Grimm cast her net?
“Why would someone with a successful electronics business want to be a science teacher?”
“No idea.” Porter scratches his mother’s face off the back of the iPod. “But I heard him thank Mother for finding such perfect guinea pigs.”
“He’s paid in guinea pigs?”
Porter rolls his eyes. The movement reminds me of Holly and I realise this is the first time we’ve gone more than forty-eight hours without speaking.
“He meant guinea pigs to test his products on,” Porter explains.
“That’s animal cruelty.” I’ve seen pictures of dogs in laboratories being forced to smoke cigarettes. I imagine guinea pigs being forced to try out Kazinsky sandwich makers and hair straighteners. “We should report him.”
Porter’s expression makes him look even more like my sister. “He wasn’t talking about real guinea pigs. Mother hates animals – have you seen any round here?”
“Only the other Remarkable Students.” I stop laughing when I see Porter’s face.
CLUE 23
Porter thinks Mr Kazinsky and Ms Grimm are testing electronic devices on LOSERS.
That’s worse than testing them on animals. Unless you’re an animal. I should tell the police. This might be connected to Dad’s disappearance. They want to test products on clever people – Dad is a very clever person.
I have a new theory. Well, a new, improved theory.
(RECAP)
THEORY A
SOMEONE HAS KIDNAPPED DAD
+
(RECAP)
CLUE 10
The Kazinsky Electronics van is parked outside our house almost every day now.
+
(RECAP)
CLUE 23
Porter thinks Mr Kazinsky and Ms Grimm are testing electronic devices on LOSERS.
=
THEORY B
MS GRIMM KIDNAPPED DAD TO USE HIM AS THE PERFECT GUINEA PIG FOR MR KAZINSKY’S PRODUCTS.
I open my mouth to interrogate Porter but Ms Grimm swoops down and whisks him away.
19
Cleverness
I grab the seat next to Porter in Building Mental Muscle Hour and poke him with my pencil. Ms Grimm glares at me. I give her an apologetic smile and kick her son under the table.
“Talk to me,” I hiss. “What’s going on with this place? Why did you bring me here last week? Why was the taxi driver wearing a turquoise bracelet? And why didn’t you want your mother to know we’d met?”
“Not now,” Porter murmurs from the side of his mouth as Ms Grimm bangs her ruler on the desk and scans the room for someone to yell at.
“Just answer three simple questions.” I scribble on his paper:
1) Where’s my dad?
2) Was the taxi driver a plant?
3) What are you hiding from your mother?
He scribbles underneath, next to a doodle of a portaloo:
1) No idea
2) Yes
3) Not a simple question
Now stop it! Mother’s watching.
So I’ve learnt one thing:
CLUE 24
The taxi driver was a plant, waiting to pick us up and bring us to LOSERS.
Does this mean some of my clues aren’t clues at all? I need to talk to Holly. I hadn’t realised how much my conversations with her help me figure things out.
Ms Grimm raps her stick against the board. “Today, we’re discussing candidates for Cleverest Person in the World. I’ll begin by nominating James Watson, who co-discovered the DNA double helix structure and believed biotechnology could cure stupidity.”
My hyperactive brain recalls googling James Watson for a school project.
“He claimed biotechnology could cure ugliness too,” I remember. “He said, ‘People say it would be terrible if we made all girls pretty. I think it would be great!’”
The boys laugh, the girls scowl and Ms Grimm swaps her vote to Marie Curie. I slap my hand over my mouth to stop myself pointing out that since Marie Curie’s been dead since 1934 she’s probably not that clever any more.
Porter suggests Kate Beckinsale for World’s Cleverest Person. He explains she’s an actress who went to Oxford University but is mainly famous for being a hot vampire in the Underworld movies.
Ms Grimm switches off the Smart Board, snaps her stick and hands out worksheets. But she doesn’t make Porter run up and down the stairs twenty times. Teacher’s pet.
I stare out the window. We’re on the top floor and I have an almost aerial view of the surroundings.
Then it hits me. I’ve seen this pattern before.
To the left is the large square outline of the castle walls. In the far left corner are the turrets of the castle. Behind me are Mum’s favourite shoe shops. I reach into my pocket for the copy of the map I’ve been carrying around for two months. Finally, it makes sense:
I peer at the arrows with black circles inside. I have a horrible suspicion someone was trying to draw aerial views of giant high heels.
X marks the spot.
CLUE 25
The ugly picture was guiding me to LOSERS.
But why? Who sent it? And what “treasure” is marked by that red cross? The more I think about Theory B (Someone has kidnapped Dad to use him as the perfect guinea pig) the harder it is to believe LOSERS would go to all this trouble just to test electronic products.
Another theory is forming, based on James Watson’s claims. The ones about intelligence, that is. Not the ones about pretty girls. I don’t think pretty girls are relevant to this case.
Dad was convinced it was possible to make people smarter. Ms Grimm must agree or she wouldn’t have made LOSERS’ mission statement: “To increase the intelligence of bright young people”. That’s what she’s trying to achieve with the fish dinners, turquoise walls and motivational quotes. But what if they’re not working fast enough for her?
CLUE 26
Dad, who is one of the world’s top brain scientists, was last seen outside an institute dedicated to increasing intelligence.
I have a new theory.
(RECAP)
THEORY A
SOMEONE HAS KIDNAPPED DAD
+
(RECAP)
CLUE 8
Fake Insurance Man took the plans and sketches for the brain ray I’ve been developing with Dad.
+
(RECAP)
CLUE 26
Dad, who is one of the world’s top brain scientists, was last seen outside an institute dedicated to increasing intelligence.
=
THEORY C
MS GRIMM KIDNAPPED DAD TO FORCE HIM TO DEVELOP INTELLIGENCE-IMPROVING DEVICES.
Wait! I forgot CLUE 24 – the taxi driver was a plant. Does that mean we can’t trust anything he said? Is CLUE 26 no longer a clue? Was Dad dropped off at LOSERS or not? And what does this mean for THEORY C?
Argh. My head hurts. I really need to talk to Holly. Instead I have to go to Positive Thinking Hour. Ironic, considering my thoughts are mainly about kidnapping and fish dinners, and are entirely negative.
20
Mental Conditioning
I march to the front of the classroom, determined to confront Ms Grimm while everyone’s filling in their worksheets. But by the time I get there I’ve lost my nerve and I just mumble, “Er, Ms Grimm, have you met my dad?”
“Met him?” Ms Grimm raises a hand to her chest and flutters her sparse eyelashes. “Yes, indeed. We were at Oxfo
rd University together.”
“With Kate Beckinsale, the hot vampire?”
Ms Grimm continues as if I haven’t spoken. “I’ve followed his career closely ever since.”
CLUE 27
Ms Grimm knows Dad and is clearly a fan.
“He’s a great thinker,” she adds. “One of a kind. Although he believed you could follow in his footsteps.”
“He did?”
“Yes. I planned to discuss this with you yesterday but I was distracted by your observations on my LOSERS routine. On reflection, I realise you were merely exercising your superior intelligence.”
“I was?”
Ms Grimm nods. “Sometimes it’s difficult for those as intelligent as you or I to remain entirely positive. Luckily, my Mental Conditioning Room can help with that.”
“Your what?”
Ms Grimm asks Mr Kumar (maths) to watch the class and holds the door open. “Come! I’ll show you.”
I follow her, hoping she’ll tell me more about Dad.
“Mental conditioning?” I process the words. “Isn’t that another way of saying brainwashing?”
“Would that be so bad?” Ms Grimm strides down the long, turquoise corridor. “If you ask me, most people’s brains would benefit from a good wash.” She turns another corner and pushes open a heavy wooden door. “Here we are, Hawkins. Welcome to my Mental Conditioning Room.”
I expect a scary white laboratory full of screaming student guinea pigs wired to machines. Instead, I find a cosy library with floor to ceiling shelves overflowing with books and magazines. The latest scientific journals are piled on a round wooden table in the middle of the room and in each corner is a black leather reclining chair with turquoise earphones attached. A large silver mirror on the back wall reflects everything, making the room look bigger than it is.
Ms Grimm pushes me down into one of the black chairs. “This is where we help our most advanced students develop their abilities. All you have to do is put in these earphones.”
I fight the urge to shove her away. I like it better when she’s being nasty. At least you know where you stand. It’s a relief when a mobile phone alarm goes off in the corridor and her creepy smile vanishes.
Mobile phones are strictly forbidden. You’d think if one of the “brightest young people in the country” managed to smuggle one inside then they’d have the sense not to set the alarm. Is someone looking for trouble?
Screeching in indignation, Ms Grimm flies to the door, pausing long enough to bark, “I’ll only be a minute.”
A minute is probably all she needs to assassinate the rule-breaker. I wipe the sweat from my forehead and breathe more easily. Every step towards the phone-offender is a step away from me.
My relief fades when Porter sprints past the doorway brandishing a mobile phone. What’s he doing? His mother is clearly wondering the same thing.
“Porter Brian Grimm!” Ms Grimm powers down the corridor behind him, “Come back here, this minute!”
Ms Grimm’s fast, but Porter’s faster. She yells for backup. A man in thick glasses and slightly-too-short trousers bursts out of the room next door and chases after them, a heavy key chain jangling against his leg.
With the action taking off in the other direction, I sink back into the nearest leather recliner and stare at myself in the mirror. Is this the me I’d have seen a month ago? Dad gave me an article once, about Heraclitus’ theory of flux, which suggested everything is in a state of constant change. But how much can you change before you become a completely different person? Four weeks ago I’d have disapproved of Porter breaking the rules. Today I want to cheer him on. (Quietly.)
As I gaze at my reflection I notice the mirror is set into the wall. Moving closer, it looks like the glass is glowing from the inside, as if lit from behind. I knock on the surface. Sounds hollow. Could this be one of those two-way mirrors you get on TV detective shows? I cup my hands around my eyes and press my face close to the glass. I can’t be sure but I think I see something behind it. A TV? No, a computer screen. And what’s that in the corner?
Trying not to imagine what Ms Grimm will do to me if she discovers I ignored her instructions, I creep into the corridor, glancing left and right to make sure no one’s looking. If that is a two-way mirror, the spy room must be the next door along – the door Short Trousers Jangly Keys Guy didn’t have time to lock behind him.
Something sinister is going on at LOSERS and I’m sure it’s connected to Dad’s disappearance. This room might hold the secrets.
Then again, it might just hold a big heap of trouble. What to do?
Holly would barge straight in. Month-Ago-Me would stay put and wait for Ms Grimm to return. Today-Me stands half in, half out the room, unable to make a decision.
Porter comes flying around the corner and skids to a halt, three doors down. He jams the handle up and down, smashing his shoulder against the door and swearing when it refuses to open. You’d think it was a roomful of portaloos the way he’s behaving.
I move across to join him. “What’s in there?”
“Answers.” Porter kicks the door.
I thought Porter had the answers. Well, most of them at least. Maybe we can find the rest together.
“This door’s not locked.” I point behind me. “Want to check it out?”
Porter looks at the door and then at his watch. “They’ll be here any second. I’ll distract them for another five minutes while you slip inside. But you have to tell me what you find. Promise?”
I nod.
He takes a deep breath and releases it in a mad whoop before running off down the corridor.
21
Spying
I’m committed now. I promised Porter. Closing my eyes, I fling myself into the room.
Albert Einstein! I was right. I’m on the spy side of a two-way mirror. Next to the glass are two wooden, fold-up chairs. One is still warm. My eyes lock on to the device in the far corner of the room pointing directly at the chair I was sitting in only minutes ago. I approach it slowly, reaching out to touch the turquoise plastic to convince myself it’s real.
CLUE 28
LOSERS have created a life-size model of the brain ray!
It matches our design in almost every way. The only differences are:
1. The disgusting turquoise colour.
2. The +/-dial on the side. That wasn’t part of our design. Positive and negative what?
I jump as something beeps behind me, then laugh shakily when I see it’s just the computer I spotted from the other side of the glass. I must have nudged the monitor and brought it to life.
On the screen is a list of folders, filed alphabetically:
• West, Alexander
• Winston, Robert
• Wittgenstein, Ludwig
• Wright, Wilbur & Orville
• Xenocrates
• Young, Grace Chisholm
The names in regular font are famous scientists and mathematicians. I click on Robert Winston and find his folder full of speeches he’s made and articles he’s written. One of the italic names is familiar too. Alexander West is a fellow Remarkable Student. Maybe we all have student folders. Curious, I hit the arrow key and scroll up to “H”.
• Galileo
• Gold, Gemma
• Grimm, Porter
• Hawking, Stephen
• Hawkins, Brian
• Hawkins, Madeleine
• Hawkins, Noelle
There I am. I insert my memory stick and copy the file.
I recognise Gemma Gold’s name too – the girl who forgot her comfort blanket.
It’s not a big surprise to find Dad on the list. He’s a well-known figure – the wacky scientist TV people call when they want to make their programme more controversial. But then I register the name between Dad’s and mine – “Hawkins, Madeleine”.
Mum?
Mum has never written a book or appeared in a television documentary. Mum’s not a scientist. This makes no sense
.
CLUE 29
LOSERS are interested in my mum.
I try to stop my hand shaking so I can select Mum’s folder, but just as I’m about to copy it I glance at the two-way mirror and see the door to the Mental Conditioning Room swing open.
Isaac Newton! Ms Grimm is back!
I check the clock at the bottom of the computer screen. Seven minutes have passed. Porter kept his side of the bargain. I’m the one who messed up. And Ms Grimm is going to mentally condition me to death as a result.
I whip out the memory stick without following the proper ejection procedures and run as fast as my PE-hating legs will carry me. Halfway down the corridor, I see Short Trousers Jangly Keys Guy heading my way and dart into the girls’ toilets.
Toilets! Brilliant! The perfect excuse for not being in the Mental Conditioning Room. Everyone has to wee. After washing my hands to support my story, I leave the loo and head back towards Ms Grimm.
Perhaps today isn’t my day to die. Hey, maybe that counts as a positive thought.
I seem to have got away with it. Ms Grimm only stays in the Mental Conditioning Room long enough to tell me she can’t stay in the Mental Conditioning Room.
“I need to deal with Porter,” she snaps. “Wait here until the bell rings for Science Hour.”
I want to find Porter and help him. It’s partly my fault he’s in trouble. But I’m convinced Short Trousers Jangly Keys Guy is on the other side of the mirror, so I flick through the science journals, giving the odd fake laugh as if I’ve spotted a particularly funny scientific anecdote, until the bell finally rings.
The Case of the Exploding Loo Page 7