“Great. I’ll go down to the lobby and tell people they don’t have to walk.”
The lobby was full of people milling about and going up and down. Most of the crew seemed to consider the event as high adventure. Jessamyn Arden, on the other hand, shuddered at the idea of subjecting herself to the rigors of a freight elevator. “I’ll wait,” she said tartly, and crossed one elegant knee over the other. “And it had better not be long. I’m overdue for a rest.”
Amanda bit her tongue to keep from saying that like any other child, Jessamyn showed the effects of missing her nap. Instead, she got a spare key from her office. “If you’d like to use my apartment in the meantime, Miss Arden, it’s on the second floor. There are cold drinks in the refrigerator, and books and magazines. Feel free to use them.”
Jessamyn considered and graciously inclined her head. “That would be acceptable, I suppose.”
As soon as Jessamyn was out of hearing range, Tricia muttered, “The woman’s a viper.”
Amanda pretended not to hear. With everything else that was going on, the last thing she had time for was lecturing her staff on the proper attitude toward troublesome guests – especially when privately she agreed with the staff’s point of view.
A few hours later, she signed an immense repair bill and went upstairs to tell Jessamyn that the elevator was back in service. She wasn’t surprised to hear her television set blaring while she was still twenty feet down the hall. She also wasn’t surprised to see a litter of dirty dishes scattered throughout her sitting room.
But she was astounded, and furious, to see that Jessamyn was entertaining herself by paging through the scrapbooks which had been safely buried under the hand-made quilt in the flat-topped trunk.
What made it worse yet was that Jessamyn didn’t even apologize. “This is fascinating reading,” she said, waving a hand at the neatly clipped stories. “That’s quite a little infatuation you have for Chase, isn’t it?”
“That is private material, Miss Arden.” Amanda’s voice was shaking with anger. “It was in a closed chest.”
Jessamyn’s eyes widened. “But my dear, you invited me to read your books.” She turned another page. “No wonder you flung yourself at Chase. And no wonder he took you up on the offer. This sort of adoration can be very ego-strengthening for a man. That reaction doesn’t last, of course. Wide-eyed worship gets tiresome after a while. But while it’s fresh –”
Amanda moved across the room. “The elevator is operating normally now, so you can go to your own suite.”
Jessamyn pouted a little. “I don’t know that I dare ride it alone any more.”
Amanda wanted to point out that if she were alone, Jessamyn would have every molecule of oxygen inside the elevator all to herself if it got stuck again. And as far as Amanda was concerned, she could stay there till it ran out, too. But she managed to say reassuringly, “It’s fully repaired and perfectly safe.”
She closed the door behind Jessamyn and leaned against it, her hands clenched into fists. How dare the woman pry into private matters?
Don’t think that way, she told herself. She should be glad Jessamyn had found only the scrapbooks, and not the false bottom in the trunk.
A knock on the door seemed to vibrate through her bones, and she jumped two feet and stared at the knob as if it were a snake. Jessamyn must have forgotten something and returned to claim it. She’d have to face the woman, for Jessamyn knew she was there...
She opened the door and looked unbelievingly up at Chase. He had changed clothes since she had seen him in the lobby; the casual shirt and chinos made him look even taller than usual.
She swallowed hard and blinked and tried to close the door, but he’d put his foot in the opening. There was a determined light in his eyes.
“If you came down here to accuse me of putting Nicky up to that little demonstration in the lobby,” she began, “I assure you...”
He shook his head. “If he’d been seeing you all along, it would have been a different sort of scene. Nicky’s no actor. He sees what he wants and he goes after it.”
The answer should have been a sort of relief, for at least he didn’t think she was sneaking around behind his back. But it wasn’t; Amanda didn’t quite know why.
“May I come in?” he asked.
“Where’s Nicky?”
“I bribed one of the assistants in the art department to keep him corralled for a while so we could talk.”
Reluctantly she moved out of the doorway. “I can’t imagine what you think we have to talk about.”
He slanted a look at her. “Can’t you?”
Amanda settled on the edge of a straight chair, and then wished that she hadn’t sat down at all, for Chase didn’t. He didn’t stand still, either; he circled the small room like a panther in a cage.
“Would you stop pacing?” she said finally. “You don’t have to be afraid of me, Chase. I could have told Nicky today that you’d lied to him –”
He turned from contemplating an art print on the wall. “What do you mean?”
“You did, you know, when you told him I was too busy for him, and made it sound as if I didn’t want to see him.”
“Dammit, Amanda –”
She hurried on, unwilling to be distracted. “But I won’t undercut you like that. I won’t do anything to diminish his respect for you.”
He stared at her silently for half a minute. His eyes held an expression she didn’t recognize – it wasn’t doubt, precisely, and it wasn’t cynicism. He looked almost puzzled, and it made her nervous. He was wondering why she would go out of her way to preserve Nicky’s opinion of him – and he was apt to jump to uncomfortable conclusions.
She leaped up from her chair. “I didn’t make that resolution for your sake, Chase. It would only confuse Nicky and make him more unhappy.”
“And heaven knows he’s unhappy enough as it is.”
Amanda bit her lip. “I know. And I’m sorry for it.” Her voice was barely audible. “I didn’t set out to make him love me.”
He looked as if he had his doubts. “So what do you plan to do about it now?”
There was no mistaking the challenge in his words, and Amanda put her chin up. “I don’t see that there’s anything I can do. I gave him up long ago, and whether you believe it or not, I stand by my promises. Even if I could overturn the adoption, I wouldn’t do it. It would only upset Nicky more.”
She was talking as much to herself as to him, trying to convince herself that she had looked at every option, that there were no loopholes, that she was doing the only thing she could.
“You don’t have to give him up, Amanda.”
For a moment she thought she hadn’t heard him correctly. “You’d let me see him sometimes?”
“More than that.” Chase braced his hands on the back of the couch. “Come to California with us.”
“And take care of him?” Her voice was wary. “I’m not a nanny, Chase. I can’t be professional when it comes to Nicky.”
“I’m not asking you to be a nanny.”
“Then what do you have in mind?”
“An arrangement. A permanent arrangement, for Nicky’s sake.” He straightened to his full imposing height. “I’m asking you to marry me.”
CHAPTER TEN
It was everything Amanda could have asked of life – Chase and Nicky, wrapped up in an inseparable package, forever hers. And yet...
A permanent arrangement.
There was something almost chilly about the words. Only then did she realize that Chase had said nothing about love, nothing about caring – except where Nicky was involved. And though he had told her he wasn’t asking her to be a nanny, what else was this but a long-term, cold-blooded, very logical way to be certain that Nicky got the attention and care he needed? What better person to give it to him than Amanda? She wouldn’t fuss about the hours or the travel, or quit at an inopportune time...
“Why?” she said.
“Oh, Amanda.” He sounded a
lmost sorry. “Don’t you think I see how this has torn you up? I was stunned at first, I admit it, and angry – and afraid that you’d only put yourself back into his life for spite. But when I calmed down, I know you didn’t. You’re too honest for that.”
She said stiffly, “Thanks for that much at least.” Unable to face him, she crossed the room to the long windows and stared unseeingly out at what passed for Springhill’s skyline. So Chase does care about me, in a way, she thought. At least, he cares enough to feel sorry for me. But sympathy and compassion weren’t the things she needed him to feel.
Chase came across the room to her. “When I thought it all out – well, it’s the only way I can see. Nicky wants you. He needs you, Amanda.”
“He obviously needs some stability in his life.” She was hardly aware of what she was saying. “Something and someone he can depend on, who isn’t working twelve-hour days.”
“You can give him that.” His hands came to rest gently on her shoulders.
And you, Chase? she thought. What can I give you? What do you want from me?
She stood rigid, trying to ignore the warm weight of his hands, trying to forget the other times he had touched her like this. “You’re suggesting a marriage of convenience, I suppose?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Separate bedrooms.”
He was obviously startled, for he didn’t answer right away. “Well, no, actually, I wasn’t. Don’t be a prude, Amanda. It’s not as if we haven’t –”
She didn’t wait for him to finish. She couldn’t bear to hear him dissect the single night they had shared. For her it had been magic; if he made it sound ordinary, it would hurt beyond bearing.
“So we could call it a marriage of almost-convenience,” she said thoughtfully. “Or perhaps the best way to put it is a marriage for your convenience.”
He let her go and moved back a step. “I got the impression that you’d enjoyed yourself in my bed.”
The cool note in his voice made her even more furious. “You get a nanny with a lifetime contract – didn’t you say once that was something you longed to have? – and a bed partner who’s handy whenever you feel the urge. Not a bad combination from your point of view.”
“You don’t have to make it sound like I’m...” He paused. “It makes sense, Amanda, you have to admit that.”
She turned to face him. “Oh, no doubt about it, from where you’re sitting.”
“It’s not as if there wouldn’t be advantages for you.”
“I’m sure there would be. To be the wife of the sexiest man on American TV... I suppose I should be grateful. It’s positively noble of you to make the sacrifice and actually offer me marriage, Chase. But I can’t help thinking if Nicky’s been good armor against the Jessamyn Ardens of the world, how much handier it’ll be for you to have a wife tagging along too.”
“Have you quite finished, Amanda?” His tone was level, almost dangerously so. “I was under the impression that you’d do anything for Nicky, but of course if that’s not the case...”
Her heart gave a painful twist. Nicky, she thought. I can have Nicky...
If only she could feel the same way Chase did, if she could put Nicky first and be as cool and logical as Chase seemed to be, then perhaps this marriage of almost-convenience would actually work. Even if all it ever could be was a workmanlike partnership, at least she would have Nicky. And it might actually develop into something more, with time and patience. Once, they had started to be friends, and that wasn’t a bad sort of foundation....
But friendship had passed them by, poisoned by sarcasm and suspicion and doubt, and she didn’t think it likely they could ever find their way back along that twisted route.
And probably down the road lay jealousy as well, and the bitterness it would bring. By nature, she wasn’t a jealous sort, and if she could be confident of his feelings for her, Chase’s job wouldn’t bother her, no matter how many gorgeous women walked through his working hours.
But when the only place for her in his life was in the shadow of uncertainty – not exactly an employee but not quite a wife; a lover who was not loved – she didn’t think she could calmly stand by and not be fearful of the inevitable woman who would be more important to him than she could ever be.
To live with Chase, to love Chase, and to know that he didn’t care about her... to understand that he slept with her because it was pleasant and convenient, but that he didn’t love her... Not even the joy of having Nicky could make up for that, because in the long run the bitterness and pain could do nothing but hurt the child as well.
“I would do almost anything for Nicky,” she said. “But not this.”
She wasn’t looking at him. It would have been too difficult to meet his gaze and then send him out of her life. She knew Chase watched her for a long moment before he turned away, and though he walked almost as softly as a wild animal she knew that he paused halfway across the room, as if he was thinking. She braced herself, gathering what little strength she still had against what he might say. Would he strike out at her? Or would he try persuasion?
He did neither. The door shut softly behind him.
In the wire cage at the corner of the room, Floyd sidled back and forth on his perch and observed sagely, “Strike three!”
“You’re right, Floyd,” Amanda said quietly. “And this time, the game’s over.”
*****
But it wasn’t over, for the movie wasn’t completed. The filming went on relentlessly, and no matter what Amanda did, it seemed she couldn’t stay out of Chase Worthington’s way. One morning she patiently waited till she saw him leave before she went downstairs to work, but Nicky had forgotten his stuffed rabbit and insisted on coming back after it, and they met in the lobby. She couldn’t help herself; she stooped over Nicky to retie his shoes, and commented about how much fun the day care center must be, with all the other children.
“It’s not so awf’ly bad,” Nicky said, and added, with a hopeful look at his father, “But I’d rather stay with you.”
She didn’t look at Chase, and he didn’t comment. So Nicky went to day care.
The next day was as gray and somber as she felt, and she postponed her rounds of the inn to an hour when she knew Chase absolutely had to be on the set. Instead, she found him in one of the large meeting rooms, reading the newspaper while Nicky ran races against imaginary opponents. “I hope you don’t mind,” Chase said. “But shooting was cancelled because of the rain. It’s too wet to be outdoors, but Nicky needed to use up some energy.”
She bit her tongue and said it was fine with her, and after that she peeked round the corners of rooms before she went inside.
A couple of days later, she took Zack and Katie Kendall to the park, and Chase and Nicky were there playing catch. Katie shepherded the boys off to the swings, and Amanda stared at the second button on Chase’s shirt – a knit pullover in the same rich, warm brown as his eyes – and said, “Please stop using Nicky this way.”
“Using him?”
“I don’t understand why, but you have to be doing this on purpose. Running into me, no matter where I go.”
He didn’t deny it. “I’m showing you what you’re missing.”
You’re showing me all the wrong things, she wanted to tell him. If Nicky was the only thing that mattered, she’d have never made the choice she had. If she could just believe that Chase cared about her, in even the smallest of ways... But feeling sorry for her didn’t count.
After that, however, he stopped putting himself in her path. She saw him only once in the next few days, on the afternoon when he came down to the registration desk, with Nicky and the stuffed rabbit and John the bellman with a loaded cart, to check out.
Amanda was startled. She had thought she had another week at least to prepare herself for this, a few more days to gather her strength for this parting. “But the movie –” she said, before she thought better of it and bit her tongue hard.
“The rest of the
cast and crew will be here for another week,” Chase said. “But my scenes are all finished. Why do you ask? Are you going to miss us, Amanda?”
Nicky tugged at his father’s arm, and Chase lifted him to the edge of the desk. “Are you going to miss me, Mandy?” the child asked.
It’s not fair, she thought, and closed her eyes against the pain.
“I’ll miss you,” Nicky confided. “And Floyd, and Zack, of course. But ‘’specially you, Mandy.”
Her voice was rough-edged and her eyes were wet. “And I’ll miss you, sweetheart.”
He hugged her long and tightly, and then, after due deliberation, he handed her his stuffed rabbit, the one Chase had bought for him on their first afternoon in Springhill. “Keep him for me,” he said. Then he jumped down and ran out to the waiting limousine.
Family Secrets Page 17