Four long years…
I sighed noisily, drawing Alex’s attention. Ignoring him, I closed my eyes, my thoughts drifting away with me. By talking about the past, Leisel had opened a wound inside of me that had yet to truly heal, forcing me to remember things I couldn’t afford to remember, happier times that were of no use to me now.
Yet I couldn’t stop the flood of memories, the image of Shawn lying in bed beside me, snoring softly, a silly smile on his lax features after a full night of lovemaking. And of Leisel, the way her nose had always wrinkled in disgust when I’d attempted cooking, and of how she’d eaten it regardless of the taste. Every last bit of it.
I thought of my mother, my father, my juvenile delinquent of a little brother, the smell of pine and cookies at Christmastime, the warm sand beneath my fingers during summers spent lounging at the beach, of Leisel’s horrible fashion sense, and the way Thomas had never once looked at her with anything but utter adoration.
How much simpler things had been, and how naive we’d all been because of it, complaining about mundane things like bills and dentist appointments.
What I wouldn’t give to have all that back, where my only real concern was making sure I paid my mortgage on time.
Chapter Twenty-One
Leisel
We drove endlessly, only stopping to eat, sleep, or when Alex would hunt for food and fresh water. We drove down sad and desolate highways and back roads, too many to count, always careful to avoid towns, no matter how empty or debilitated they seemed from afar. No, we’d learned our lesson and would not be making the same mistake twice.
We continued to drive, stopping at night to sleep, and only sleeping in shifts. Either Alex or Evelyn would remain awake, keeping guard outside the truck, while I was always allowed a good night’s sleep. When morning came, either Alex or Evelyn would drive while the other slept. And there I would be, feeling more and more useless with each passing day.
For the most part, the states we passed through seemed to be in a stasis of sorts, not a sign of life to be seen or heard. Occasionally, we’d pass small, sleepy groups of infected who, as soon as we drove on, became quickly disinterested in us. We searched abandoned vehicles, taking anything that could be of use to us—clothing, tools, anything that could be used as weapon, and then we’d move on, avoiding neighborhoods or once-populated areas at all costs.
Through a long stretch of land, where the patches of forest were few and far between and small game was scarce, we’d been forced to stop twice in search of food. Once at a rest area just off the interstate, and again at a gas station on the outskirts of a large city.
Both places had been overrun with infected, something we hadn’t realized beforehand. And both times Alex and Evelyn had come running out of the buildings, shouting and screaming for me to “DRIVE!”
With barely enough time as groups of infected chased behind them, I’d hopped into the driver’s seat. Just as Alex yanked closed the passenger door behind Evelyn and him, and the infected were throwing their mangled bodies into the side of the truck, I’d slammed down on the gas pedal and peeled away in a cloud of smoke. All of that, and only for a meager bag of sugar-coated candy that hadn’t spoiled, and a lone bag of beef jerky so rock hard I could hardly manage to sink my teeth into it.
After that I demanded to be allowed to drive, allowing either Alex or Evelyn to sleep while I took my turn. I even went as far as to offer to take guard during the night, but was quickly shot down by both my best friend and my…my boyfriend? Was that what Alex was, or was becoming?
To date, there hadn’t been much time for conversation, at least nothing of the personal variety, so I’d kept my questions and my musings to myself. The nights Alex wasn’t on guard, I’d slept in his arms, and the nights he was, I missed his warmth. We snuck kisses here and there, gentle touches and sweet embraces, but only when Evelyn was asleep or off relieving herself in private.
As we made our way farther south, the leaves on the trees grew greener, the foliage fuller, the cold nights and dropping temperatures receded into warm nights and even hotter days. In addition to feeling disgusting and dirty, I was restless, both physically and mentally. I wanted to have the privacy with Alex to take our blossoming relationship to the next level of intimacy. I was tired of just kissing, sick of being handled so carefully by him.
In fact, I was sick of the both of them, Alex and Evelyn, never allowing me to do much of anything. One or both of them always seemed to be glued to my side, never allowing me a moment to myself.
Only three days after breaching a warmer climate, we ended up running out of gas, and some small part of me, agitated and only worsening with each passing day, raw from overthinking and needing more of…anything, was glad for it. We were all hungry, we were warm and uncomfortable, and strung out from having spent far too long living basically on top of one another. None of us were in a particularly pleasant mood, but Alex and Evelyn seemed hell-bent on taking their frustrations out on each other, leaving me stuck in the middle.
“We should have stopped at that barn,” Evelyn grumbled as she wiped the gathering sweat from her brow. I climbed out of the truck after her, taking in our new surroundings.
It was warm here, much warmer than up north, the temperature rising with every mile we traveled. Three days ago I’d rid myself of my long-sleeved shirt, trading it for one of the summer dresses we’d found back at the cabin. It was a thin, gauzy sort of linen, an olive-green color with spaghetti straps, and a hemline that ended just above my knee. I’d completed the look with Alex’s duty belt, the same one he’d been given in Fredericksville. On it, Alex had replaced his gun holster with a knife sheath from his boot, and now my small blade rested securely at my hip.
My hair was filthy and greasy, because washing it without shampoo just wasn’t cutting it, so I piled it on top of my head in a messy partially braided bun. But even so, I still felt awful, itchy from dried sweat and the healthy coating of dirt that covered us all. I was in desperate need of a good, long soak with at least a sliver of soap. We all were.
“There were infected all over the place!” Alex shouted, slamming the driver’s side door shut. “Who knows how many more were inside.”
“That’s just great,” Evelyn snapped, her hands on her hips. “And now we’re who knows how many miles away from anywhere else! With nothing but…but…” She spun around, gesturing to the endless stretch of golden wheat surrounding us on both sides. “But grass!”
“Wheat,” I corrected her tersely, annoyed with both her and Alex, and their nonstop bickering.
“What?” she demanded. “Who cares what it is. Jesus, Lei!”
I shrugged. “You should care.”
“Why?” she demanded, practically shouting the word at me.
“Because,” I shouted back, feeling my temper rising. “We can eat it, Eve!”
This seemed to give her pause, and slowly the anger drained from her features. “We can?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes. We can eat the berries. We need to soak them first, but after that they’ll be edible.”
“How do you know that?” Evelyn asked. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at me, as if I’d purposely kept this wheat-berry secret from her for our entire friendship for some nefarious purpose, and my just now revealing this wicked knowledge meant I must have more secrets, maybe bigger, badder ones, secrets that could possibly change the course of the entire world.
I snarled my answer. “I used to read, remember? Books? You remember them?”
“FUCK!” Alex suddenly bellowed, startling me. Silent now, Evelyn and I watched as his fist took a nosedive onto the hood of the truck. “Fuck!” he shouted again, and again went his fist.
“Fucking great,” Evelyn spat. Spinning around, she gave us her back.
I glanced between them both. At Evelyn, who was basically pouting in a metaphorical corner, and Alex who was throwing an adult-sized temper tantrum, taking it out on our only means of transportation. Out of gas or not, the
thing still ran.
I took a deep, not-so-calming breath, full of hot air and truck fumes, which only served to further agitate me. Turning, I squinted down the highway, looking for anything at all, some form of shelter where we could rest and regain our bearings, maybe have some blessed privacy from one another. Yet, there was nothing. An endless stretch of nothing.
Sighing, I took a step toward the wheat, the golden stalks at least four feet high, nearly reaching my chest, and ran my hand over the top of their soft and silky stems. It would take ten, maybe twelve hours to soak them, but then they’d be edible. And something was always better than nothing.
I gritted my teeth, my hand suddenly clenching around one of the stalks. Crumpling the grains in my fist, I wondered how many times I would have to tell myself that, to try to convince myself of it before I actually began to believe it.
How much more surviving for the moment would we be forced to endure? Would it ever let up? Was there anywhere safe to go? Was there anything left at all?
As I was standing there, angry at the world and feeling sorry for myself, something touched the toe of my sneaker, and a low growl erupted from within the thick of the wheat stalks.
Seeing the bony, blackened fingers reaching for me, the dirty, nearly skinless arm parting through the wheat, I jumped backward, a scream forming on my lips. But the scream never came.
The infected was little more than a skeleton, really. Most of the skin on its face was missing, along with one eye, and it was using the earth to pull itself toward me. As its fingertips found purchase in the ground and it came slithering into view, I realized that it no longer had any legs, or even much of a torso left. Where its rib cage ended there was little that remained, only leathery ribbons of hanging flesh and dried-up entrails.
As it came for me, I continued backing away. Every inch it gained, I afforded myself a foot of distance, all the while staring down it, feeling scared, but something more than just fear. The raw sensation returned to me, the impression that my insides, my emotions, had all been sandpapered, rubbed clean of their protective coating and left open, exposed and bleeding.
Anger, pure and unadulterated rage began to well within me, making me feel too small for my body, my skin suddenly too tight, and feeling close to bursting. I just knew I couldn’t take another setback, stomach another letdown before I was going to explode. Because this couldn’t be all that was left, just this rot and decay, this abomination of what once was, all this…all this…godforsaken—because yes, if there was a God, he had surely forsaken us all— nothing.
Nothing. There was nothing left. Just me and Evelyn and Alex, searching for something we would never find, and this thing, this nightmarish monster creeping out of a beautiful wheat field, intent only on one thing. To destroy, destroy, destroy.
What did it matter anymore? What did any of it matter? How much longer before there was no more food to be found, before any and all shelters crumbled to dust? How much longer did we have before we too succumbed to the death of this world?
My scream, the one waiting on the tip of my tongue, finally bubbled free. A garbled and meaty-sounding explosion of anguish and suffering—and most of all rage—ripped its way up through my lungs, singeing and searing whatever it touched, and was sent soaring into the world.
Then I yanked my blade free from my belt, dropped to my knees, and sent it straight into the exposed skull of the infected. Not once, not twice, not three times. The pain, the fury, the fear, it all burst forth, all consuming and all controlling, and my hand, gripping tightly to that tiny knife, sent the blade into that monster’s skull an uncountable number of times. Over and over again until I could literally feel something inside me snap, break, split wide open, and then…I no longer felt so constrained, so uncomfortable inside my own skin.
Breathing hard, partially blinded from the sweat dripping into my eyes, I got to my feet and sheathed my blade. Both Evelyn and Alex were instantly at my side. Alex kicked the dead infected, ensuring it was truly dead, and Evelyn wrapped her arms around me. They expected tears, I supposed, or me to collapse weakly into their arms, needing comfort and soothing. And then they would oh-so-sweetly tuck me into the backseat of the truck, cooing at me about getting some sleep and feeling better when I woke.
But I didn’t cry; I wasn’t sad. And when they reached for me, I pushed them away, pushed right past them and headed for the truck. Hastily, I grabbed what little belongings we’d appropriated along our journey, shouldering a tattered backpack, wrapping my hand around a plastic milk carton a third of the way full with dirty water, tucking a hammer into my belt, and then I turned to face them.
They still stood where I’d left them, standing in the middle of the road, the dead infected at their feet. And I swore to myself that if either one of them were to say a word, be it soothing or comforting or full of false positivity, I was going to send my little blade directly into one of their feet.
“Let’s go,” I said, my voice unwavering, my tone uncommonly hard, even to my ears. “The sun will be setting soon, and we’ll need light to kill those infected.”
“The barn?” Alex asked as he assessed me curiously, and much to my amusement, cautiously.
I nodded firmly. “The barn.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Evelyn
We marched along, one behind the other, each of us keeping to our respective places since we couldn’t stand to be near one another. The only good thing about being stuck in the middle of nowhere was that we were in the middle of nowhere, and it was unlikely that anything was going to sneak up on us. I couldn’t say that I was completely at ease, but as I walked, or rather, stomped, I found the tension in my shoulders beginning to fade.
The fresh air, the warm sun beating down on me, it was all somewhat soothing after being stuck inside the cramped and filthy truck, breathing in the sweaty foul air for long hours at a time. The stench of the dead body and the infected that had been trapped inside had yet to leave the truck, and despite the open windows, the smell clung to our skin. To be outside in the fresh air was invigorating, and I took breath after deep breath, feeling calmer and better as the smell finally left my nose.
I watched Leisel’s confident steps as she followed behind Alex, and found myself smiling slightly. He’d silently refused to let her take the lead, walking purposely faster every time she’d attempted to walk ahead, his stubbornness nearly outweighing hers. Eventually she’d relented, but her scowl remained.
I knew her well enough to know she was reading too much into the situation, taking his behavior as a personal insult against her, when in reality, he cared about her so much more than she realized. To a man like Alex, protecting what he cared about was how he expressed his feelings, but it made me nervous as well. So I couldn’t blame her for wanting to stand strong and fight her own battles.
Accepting that she didn’t need me as much as she once had wasn’t an easy feat for me. Her budding relationship with Alex and her own desire to finally exert some independence had come as such a surprise, that at first I hadn’t known how to handle the mixed emotions her new behavior had stirred within me. And I was still struggling with where I fit in here, within our little group as well as in this world. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever figure it out, or if there was anything left to figure out anymore.
Kicking a rock, I watched listlessly as it bounced down the road, passing both Alex and Leisel, but neither took any notice, too consumed with their frustrated stomping. Rolling my eyes and wanting to throw rocks at both of their heads, I let myself fall even farther behind them.
It was another hour or so before the barn finally came back into view. Still surrounded by infected, too many to count, there seemed to be even more than when we’d passed by earlier. It reminded me of the cabin, and the infected that had gathered there. There had to be some reason why they were crowding this barn, desperate to get inside. Something had to have drawn them here, the same reason that was keeping them here.
; Coming to an abrupt stop about fifty yards from the barn, Alex turned to look at Leisel and me, waiting until we’d both caught up to him before speaking.
“Something is attracting them here,” he said, giving voice to my thoughts. “But the sun will be setting soon, and I don’t have a damn clue where we are. Either we clear it, or we walk back and spend the night in the truck…again.” He grimaced.
The thought of spending another night in the truck, with barely any room to move, with no choice but to have the doors locked and the windows closed, trapping us inside with that god-awful smell, made me cringe. Alex and Leisel both seemed to share my sentiment, all of us looking positively nauseated at the very idea of it.
“No truck,” Leisel snapped. “We need to clear the barn.”
Alex’s narrowed gaze landed on her. “You killed one infected, and now you’re ready to take on an entire group of them?”
Leisel’s delicate nostrils flared in response. “I’m so pissed off right now,” she shouted, “that I’m ready to take you on!” She shoved him hard in the chest, but he barely flinched at the contact.
With his arms folded across his chest, Alex didn’t respond, only glowered down at her. Gritting her teeth, Leisel gave him the same hard stare, neither of them willing to back down. I glanced back and forth between them, realizing that neither of them were going to willingly give up their ridiculous battle of wills, then I stomped forward, stepped directly into their line of sight, and threw my hands up in the air.
“Can we save your lover’s quarrel for after we’ve cleared the barn?” I said witheringly. “As in, after it’s safe here and I can be as far away from you both as possible?”
Leisel lifted her lip in an ugly snarl that looked so out of place on her innocent-looking features that I nearly laughed out loud.
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