“Dammit,” I whispered as a tear slipped free. My body ached while my thoughts spun wildly. I wanted to let go for a moment, to feel instead of think, to get lost in the tornado Alex created inside me whenever we kissed.
“Lei, don’t.” Releasing my wrists, Alex hugged me tightly, bringing me flush against him. I tried to fight him, to pull away, the closeness of him only increasing the maelstrom of need still flurrying within me, but he didn’t relent, pressing my body hard against his.
“Shh,” he whispered, his voice raspy, more affected by our circumstances than I’d thought. His hips raised slightly, pressing forward between my thighs, causing me to whimper as the throbbing ache there grew stronger.
If possible, his hold on me grew even tighter, making my already shortened breaths come faster and harder. His hips retreated and returned as he dragged the length of himself purposefully against me.
Biting down on my lip, I buried my face in his shoulder, allowing my body to relax as best I could. He repeated those same movements, stoking the already raging fire inside me to a roaring intensity, bringing me to that edge I was craving, time and time again until I finally reached it and fell weightlessly over the cliff. I floated on air, my body throbbing, humming, as I fell into oblivion.
As I sagged against him, he loosened his grip on me, and for a moment neither of us spoke, both of us breathing heavily as the sound of my own heartbeat echoed loudly in my ears.
“What about you?” I eventually managed to whisper. He was still hard beneath me, his body still pulsing, trembling ever so slightly.
Choking out a quiet laugh, he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “It’s been three years,” he said, his tone full of humor. “I can wait another day.”
I pulled back from him and sat up straight, meeting his dark gaze. His eyes dropped down, taking in all of me, my heaving chest and my quivering legs, before returning to my face.
“Three years?” I whispered, shocked. “You haven’t been with anyone… No one in Fredericksville?”
Alex said nothing, easily falling back into his typical silence. But words weren’t needed in that moment; his eyes spoke volumes. His feelings for me, I could only guess, went far deeper than I’d ever realized, or could have ever imagined they would.
Not knowing how to respond, I dropped my head, pressing my cheek against his chest as I closed my eyes.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Evelyn
I was hungry.
I was always hungry, but this was a need of a different type, an angry hunger that I could feel straight through to my bones. Part of me was afraid of having to fight, yet a sick part of me was eager to beat on someone—to hit, kick, scratch, do whatever the fuck I needed to rid myself of my anger.
The pain I wrestled with on a daily basis made me more than angry, pissed off with myself and everyone else. My rollercoaster emotions, and my frustration with this whole damn crazy-assed world were spilling forth, trying to breach the surface. It was all too much, like a pan of boiling water precariously bubbling over, that any moment was going to spatter, making a mess too hot to clean up.
I had heard Leisel and Alex last night, heard their heated whispers, listened to their heavy, lust-filled panting. I hadn’t meant to, but once I woke up I was unable to fall back to sleep. And so I had lain there, my lashes damp from silent tears, my thoughts dark and angry, feeling cold and alone until morning had finally come.
Quietly, I crept from the mattress, and after slipping my feet into my boots, I turned to look back at them. They were curled up together in the chair, Leisel looking small in Alex’s arms. They were perfect for each other, complementary, the yin to the other’s yang, and I was happy for them. Happy that they had found each other in such a shit-filled, horrible world. He would be good to her in the way that she deserved, in the way that Thomas would have been.
My chin trembling, I quickly left the room, clicking the door silently closed behind me. I leaned back against it, the realization that I no longer needed to stand tall for Leisel was a foreign thing for me. Knowing that now I only needed to be strong for myself, that I could finally take a breath, take a hundred breaths if I needed to, was an incredibly hard adjustment. I imagined that it was something like what a parent experienced the moment they realized their child was growing up, wasn’t as dependent on them as they once had been. It was an empty sort of feeling, and inexplicably lonely as well.
I rushed down the hallway to the stairs, suddenly desperate for fresh air. But when I pushed outside the heavy doors, I was greeted with the smoky scent of fire pits and the bitter tang of body sweat, the oaky smell of alcohol brewing, and the unmistakable scent of sex, all hanging thickly in the air.
I continued on, feeling the stares of eyes everywhere, watching me, appraising me from head to toe as if I were prime beef at a cattle market. Unnerved, I kept walking, refusing to look down, to look anywhere but directly in front of me. They could look all they wanted, look down at me as if I were little more than an object or something to trade, but I knew differently. I was a woman, a survivor, just like everyone else here. Even if they refused to treat me with the respect I deserved, I was determined not to fall victim to it.
As I explored the area, weaving around buildings, going farther than we’d ventured last night, I was surprised to discover that Purgatory was even larger than we’d first thought. There were pathways everywhere, leading between buildings, and something was happening at every turn, on every corner.
It was overwhelming at first, especially after being on our own with only endless miles of nothingness surrounding us. Even back in Fredericksville, it hadn’t been like this. Things were quiet and organized there, everything and everyone in their rightful place. This was far different, an organized sort of chaos. It was noisy and smelly and crazy, filled with so many people from different walks of life, all simply trying to survive.
Suddenly, I found myself no longer angry with them, not even at the men staring at me as I passed them. Instead, I shared a sense of common ground. None of us had anything left, and we were all doing what we could to make this life somewhat worth it—worth living through the horror, even if that meant using the only thing we had left to barter with. Men had their fists; women had their bodies. We used, we abused, just like in the old world, but at least here, this seemed to be accomplished with some element of control. At least here it was an honest and up-front way of life. They didn’t hide what they were or what they wanted, not like in Fredericksville where everything was done behind closed doors. Here there was no upper class, no middle class, and no lower class, we were all on equal footing, and there was a surprisingly strange comfort in that fact.
Stopping, I stared at the small bodies of animals roasting on top of a metal barrel that had been fitted with a grill, flames burning low from inside its depths. Their fur had been stripped, revealing the soft, meaty flesh beneath, and the scent coming off their quickly crisping bodies was utterly delectable.
Behind the barrel, both a man and woman were working the grill, flipping the animals, replacing the fully cooked with new pink meat. I watched them work for a moment, noticing that the woman had a similar brand on her wrist, as well as a wedding ring on her finger. She was pretty in a basic sort of way, clean and pale, with long brown hair tied back in a low ponytail.
“You from the wild?” she asked, her voice surprisingly rough, like that of a pack-a-day chain-smoker.
“The wild?” I asked, hungrily staring down at the meat. Jeffers had said something similar, but I had no idea what he’d meant.
“Out there,” the man answered and glanced behind me, past the electrified fences, beyond the gates. “The wild.”
He was clean shaven, and I could see the small scars that covered both his chin and neck. He watched me a moment, looking thoughtful while running his tongue along the edge of crooked yellow teeth.
“Oh,” I replied. “Yeah, I am.”
“How is it?” the woman asked, her hands still
busy working the grill. She was in the process of skinning a rat, deftly freeing its wrinkled skin from its little body, revealing the muscle underneath, and placed the fur in a neat pile with the rest. “Is it still—”
“You know it is,” the man interrupted her gruffly, giving her a hard glare. “Don’t ask stupid questions.” He turned to me, his irritation evident. “You buying?”
“I, um, how do I buy something?” Rat or not, I was famished. “I don’t have anything.”
“Then you ain’t buying,” he replied harshly, turning his attention to the small crowd that had formed behind me. As my stomach continued to growl, the woman threw me an apologetic glance before resuming her work.
Wishing I had pockets to sulkily shove my hands into, I stepped away, resuming my walk.
I passed by clothing stalls, homemade jewelry for sale, accoutrements of all kinds, even little corner cafés that boasted homebrewed beer. At the mere thought of a cold beer, of the frothy liquid running down my throat, my mouth began to water.
“Hey!” a deep gravelly voice called out from behind me. “Hey, woman!”
A heavy hand landed on my shoulder and I flinched. Snatching the hand that was holding me, I twisted it, pushing backward. Jumping away and spinning around, I found the bearded man from last night stumbling backward. As he caught his balance, all the while glaring at me, I noticed the food in his hand—two grilled rats on skewers.
“Oh shit,” I mumbled. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. I’m a little jumpy.”
Snickers erupted all around us, making the man’s already deadly expression darken. Angrily, he thrust a cooked rat in my direction, grunting at me to take it. And I wanted to, I really did, but how could I? How could I trust him? Nothing was free, not anymore. Not even what appeared to be a simple act of kindness.
But I was hungry, God, I was so hungry. Yet this man didn’t seem like the type of person I’d want to owe anything to.
“I’m not hungry,” I lied, holding his stare, though my eyes were burning with the need to look away.
“Eat it,” he grumbled. “You’re too skinny.” He dropped his eyes, purposefully raking his heavy gaze up and down my body, and again thrusting out the rat in offering. I stared at it, at the fat dripping from its body over this man’s thick, dirty fingers, making them glisten in the sunlight. Then I looked up into his face, wondering what hands like his could do, the sort of painful damage they could inflict.
“I said I’m not hungry,” I repeated, holding my chin high, yet my voice was a mere whisper.
His beard twitched as he fought the urge to smile. “You the fighter, right?” he asked. “New girl from the wild?”
Still staring up at him, I could only nod in response.
“Then I need you to eat, because I’ll be betting on you.” Grinning, he fixed his eyes on mine as he took a bite of one rat, sinking his teeth into the flesh, easily tearing the meat away from the small bones. I decided then that his grin made him handsome, though not a typical sort of handsome like Alex. No, this man looked far too menacing to be considered simply handsome.
“I’m someone else’s,” I said and flashed him my brand as Alex had last night, suddenly glad to have it there. “As you know.”
“I’m aware,” he said flatly, and again thrust the meat toward me.
My stomach decided to take that very moment to growl loudly, something this man found extremely amusing. His mouth still full of rat, he began to chuckle. “Just take the damn food, woman. I won’t ask you again.”
My stomach burning with hunger, I relented and accepted the rat. But just as I brought it to my mouth, ready to tear into it, he spoke again.
“You better win for me, Wildcat.” Tossing me another grin, he turned and walked off.
“It’s Evelyn,” I yelled after him obstinately. “Not fucking Wildcat.”
I stared after him for a moment before realizing I still had food in my hand, and instantly the man was forgotten. Biting into the rat, the taste of well-cooked meat exploding in my mouth, I groaned loudly. Ravenous, I took another bite, then another, smiling as I wiped an errant drop of grease that found its way to my chin, then sucked on my finger. Soon, I had nothing left but a pair of greasy hands and a small pile of bones.
Pleasantly full, I walked on, searching out a garbage can or some other means of disposing of the bones.
“A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips,” a breathy voice announced from behind me.
I jumped and turned around, coming face-to-face with a woman in a darkened doorway, her body looking somewhat distorted by the shadows.
“I’m Dori,” she said as a wide smile grew across her full pink lips. A dainty hand slipped free of the darkness in offering, and I took it. Her gaze dropped to my brand, and still holding tightly to my hand, she nodded. “Seems fresh.”
“It is,” I told her. “I just got here.” Trying to pull my hand free, I found her grip oddly strong and unrelenting.
“That’s a shame,” she said, finally releasing me. Her own hand still lingered in the air between us, her gaze dropping to the bones in my other hand. Smiling broadly, she gestured for me to hand them over. With a frown, I did, watching as she greedily sucked the marrow from the small bones, reminding me of myself only moments ago.
Uncomfortable, I moved to leave, and it was only then that I was able to finally see her, all of her as the remaining sunlight pierced the shadows. She was nearly naked, her top so sheer I could see her two rosebud nipples peeking through. My eyes traveled lower, then widened considerably.
“Don’t judge,” she said, then wheeled herself forward and into view.
“I wasn’t, I…I…” I was desperately trying not to stare at the empty space where her legs should have been, but the more I tried to look away, the longer I found myself staring.
“Sure you were,” she said with a laugh. “It’s okay. I’m just lucky that I still have a hole for these assholes to fill.” She laughed again, a dainty chuckle that matched her dainty hands and pretty face.
Realization slapped me in the face. A hole for them to fill…and my stomach began to churn.
“Ain’t much a girl like me is good for in a place like this, but you’d be surprised what men like these days.” She grinned again, and I suddenly felt downright sick. My newly digested rat was quickly turning to stone in the pit of my belly.
I struggled to think of a reply, the silence between us uncomfortably awkward. “What did you do before?” I blurted out, instantly wishing I could take the words back.
“I was a professional cheerleader,” she answered, unbothered by my question. She laughed again, louder this time, as if her answer was the funniest thing she’d ever said, and I couldn’t help but laugh with her. If I hadn’t laughed, I probably would have cried.
In the midst of our laugher, a shadow fell over me, and I turned to find a man sidling up beside me. He was slim, not just the half-starved look of some of the men around here, but really thin, his skin pockmarked and greasy. As he looked me up and down, a leery smile arose on his face.
“Uh-uh.” Dori chastised him immediately. “Not this one, Steven, this one’s claimed.” In a flash, his smile vanished, replaced quickly with a frown.
“Baby, don’t pout,” she crooned. “You know I always take good care of you. What did you bring me today?”
He held up a small filthy bottle of water, though I couldn’t tell if it was actually water inside or if the bottle was just that dirty.
“And?” Dori asked with a soft smile.
Outstretching his other hand, he revealed a small packet of white powder. A greedy, eager smile lit up his features.
“Perfect,” Dori purred, pulling open her blouse.
Steven’s eyes were now solely on her, glazing over as his tongue darted out to slide slowly across his bottom lip. When I glanced back to Dori, I found her hand had disappeared somewhere beneath the layers of fabric pooling at her waist. As he pushed past me, Steven slyly rubbed a hand across
my backside, and then together, the two of them disappeared inside the building.
I stared after them a moment, still sick to my stomach.
“What the fuck have we gotten ourselves into?” I muttered to myself.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Leisel
“You’ll do,” Bethany said as she lifted her chin and sniffed the air around me. “At least you don’t smell like week-old garbage anymore.”
Narrowing my eyes, I turned away from the girl before she could see the snarl twisting my lips. It was bad enough that in only a few short minutes I would be dancing for a crowd of drunken perverts. I didn’t need to add complications with my coworkers into the mix. While Bethany wasn’t a dancer, she would still be working the crowd, giving it up to whoever could afford her.
Surveying the crowded dressing room, which was more or less a broom closet, I found my reflection in one of three full-length mirrors lined up against the back wall. Swallowing back a wave of nervousness, I ran my hands down the sheer material covering my body. It was supposed to be a dress, but in reality it was more like half a dress. Although the sleeves were long and the neck was high, the flimsy, nearly see-through black mesh barely covered my backside. Underneath it I was wearing a matching bra and thong made of finely scalloped lace I’d been given, both a deep shade of red. All in all, combined with my freshly washed hair that was brushed to shiny perfection, and my smoky eyes and matching red lipstick, it was a very sexual look. Sexy even, without being overly slutty…if it were something I’d be sharing with only one man, not an entire room full.
However, I had a plan, a little trick I’d learned thanks to Lawrence’s cruelty. It had happened by accident at first, during one of his many beatings. I’d just suddenly slipped away, finding myself emotionally and mentally detached from my body, as if I were watching the abuse instead of experiencing it firsthand. I planned to apply that same method, escaping my here and now, to my dancing tonight. I would close my eyes, find a happy memory somewhere deep inside me, and use that as my rock, as my anchor that would see me through.
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