“Fuck, look at you.” Austen licked his bottom lip, the hunger in his fiery amber eyes stealing Zach’s breath away. No one had ever gazed at him with such scorching heat, as if they’d never seen anything more desirable.
Austen reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a condom and a packet of lube. He tossed it onto Zach’s stomach. Zach arched an eyebrow at him, and Austen shrugged.
“What? I like to be prepared.”
Zach opened his mouth to respond, but when Austen pulled his sweater over his head and dropped it to the floor, the ability to form coherent thought, much less sentences, left him. He couldn’t help reaching out to run his fingers reverently down Austen’s chest. Austen might be smaller and leaner, but he was all male, from the defined muscles of his arms and chest down to his abs, and when Austen pushed his pants and underwear down his hips, his leaking cock had Zach salivating.
“Fuck, you’re gorgeous.”
Austen’s lips quirked up as he dropped all his clothes to the floor before he stroked himself slowly, making Zach squeeze the base of his own leaking shaft. He was so hard it was painful.
“Turn around.”
Zach handed Austen the condom and lube before doing as he was told. He folded his arms over the couch armrest to either side of the cushion now pressed against his chest, his knees spread, and his ass on offer. He’d never felt more exposed, and not because he hadn’t been topped before, but because it was Austen.
“You’re going to fucking kill me, Z,” Austen growled, followed by a huff. He ran his fingers almost reverently along Zach’s spine, sending a shiver through him. “You’re right. I want you. I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want you. I’m gonna take care of you, Z. Don’t you worry.”
Austen’s wet mouth on him had Zach cursing and bucking his hips. He had to push down on his cock to keep from coming right then and there. Not even in his fantasies had he dreamed Austen would be on his knees behind him, his hands spreading Zach’s cheeks as his tongue speared his hole.
“Oh my God.” Zach’s eyes were ready to roll into the back of his head as Austen licked, nipped, and made a meal out of him. His entire body trembled, and he felt the cold air against his skin when Austen pulled away.
“As much as I can sit here all day dining on you, if I don’t fuck you right now, I’m going to lose my mind.”
Zach smiled at the desperation in Austen’s voice. He looked over his shoulder at Austen as he tore open the condom packet, then rolled the condom onto his hard cock. Next came the lube, and Austen very thoughtfully warmed it in his hands before pushing a finger inside Zach, making him moan. He tried his hardest to remain still, but it was nearly impossible with Austen working his magic, his talented fingers stretching him, grazing over his prostate.
“Sweetheart, I’m not gonna last much longer if you keep doing that,” Zach warned, palming his leaking cock.
“Sweetheart, huh?” Austen lined himself up and pushed in, breaching Zach and making him cry out. “There ain’t gonna be anything sweet about my fucking you, Z.”
“What if someone walks in?” Zach asked, panting.
“Then they’ll get an eyeful and learn a thing or two about privacy.”
Zach laughed, and Austen roughly took hold of his chin and hushed him with his mouth. When Zach gasped for air, Austen pulled away and slowly sank inside him inch by inch. Zach shut his eyes tight at the pain, but soon Austen was burying himself deep inside. He slid his hands up Zach’s back, then down to grab hold of his hips before pulling out halfway and slamming into him. Zach bit down hard on his bottom lip so he wouldn’t make any noise, yet he couldn’t keep from gasping, moaning, and cursing as Austen pistoned in and out of him.
Zach stroked himself in time to Austen’s thrusts, his heart thumping wildly when Austen folded himself over Zach, his hand slipping around Zach’s neck, the other in his hair.
“Fuck, Z. You’re so damned tight on my dick.”
“Austen,” Zach breathed.
“Come for me, Z, all over your fingers so I can lick them clean.”
“Fuck.” Zach moved his hand faster, urged on by the sounds of their slick bodies slapping against each other. Beads of sweat covered his brow, and he grunted as Austen’s moves became frantic. Zach’s muscles tensed as his orgasm rolled through him like a thunderstorm. Austen threw a hand over Zach’s mouth, stifling his scream as he came fiercely into his hand.
“Oh fuck. Fuck!” Austen bit down on Zach’s shoulder as he pumped himself inside Zach several more times, and Zach felt the condom filling inside him. Austen lay sprawled against him, and Zach remained still, easily able to hold Austen’s weight. A soft sigh resulted in a warm puff of air against his shoulder, and he smiled. Austen pulled away suddenly, and Zach stilled. Austen slipped out of him, tied the condom, and let it drop to the floor.
“Turn around,” Austen demanded gently.
Zach did, taken aback when, true to his word, Austen licked Zach’s fingers and hand clean, the sight alone enough to make his cock take notice again. Austen straddled his lap and kissed him hard, letting Zach taste himself on Austen’s tongue. When Zach thought he was about to pass out from lack of oxygen, Austen slipped down between Zach’s knees, and before Zach could utter a word, Austen had wrapped his swollen pink lips around Zach’s hardening length. No way Austen could get the whole of Zach’s cock in his mouth, but damn if he didn’t try, and it had Zach bucking his hips under him. Austen grasped the base of Zach’s cock and sucked him like he was trying to consume him. He used his lips, mouth, and tongue to drive Zach crazy.
Austen’s little moans were decadent. It didn’t take long before Zach felt his body tense, on the verge of release.
“Austen,” Zach warned. Austen seemed to take his warning as a challenge, and he sucked on the head of Zach’s cock before slipping his tongue into the slit. Zach bucked up, and he gritted his teeth as his orgasm slammed into him. He fisted Austen’s hair, the muscles of his abdomen tight as he rolled forward, emptying himself down Austen’s throat. Once he was spent, he fell against the couch cushion, his breath heavy. Austen kissed him, and Zach opened up, moaning as he tasted himself again. Zach lost track of how long they kissed, his fingers brushing down the smooth, soft skin of Austen’s side. Wherever he could caress Austen, he did, until Austen pulled away.
“Stay with me?”
Austen closed his eyes and shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Austen—”
Austen stood and grabbed his clothes, along with the used condom. “Good night, Zach.”
Zach rubbed his chest, hoping it would ease the hurt in his heart. He wasn’t mad at Austen. How could he be when he’d told Austen it was okay? “Good night,” Zach replied softly. “I’ll save you some breakfast.”
Austen walked to the door, then stopped. He didn’t turn around when he spoke, but his voice was thick, as if he was trying to hold back emotions he didn’t want Zach to know about. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For not hating me.”
The ache in Zach’s heart eased, replaced by a need to comfort. “I could never hate you, Austen.”
“You will.”
“No,” Zach assured him gently but firmly. “I won’t.”
“We’ll see.” Austen left the room, and Zach felt his presence long after.
Zach dressed, taking his time so Austen could get to his room and not have to worry about Zach trying to talk to him. It was clear Austen was done talking for tonight. Hopefully it was just tonight and not for good. Zach would never regret what they did, but he worried Austen would. It was best he not think about it, or he’d be up all night driving himself crazy. As he headed for his room, he thought back on Austen’s words. Why was he so certain Zach would hate him? If nothing came of tonight, he’d be disappointed, but he wouldn’t be angry with Austen. Why would he be? And to the point of hating Austen?
Once he was in his room, he undressed on the way to the bathroom. He thought a
bout Austen as he showered, wondering what kind of encounters he’d had with men where he expected to be treated so poorly, convinced that whatever he did would bring out the worst in Zach. As if experience had taught him to expect nothing but anger and animosity. As much as it would hurt, Austen had every right not to want anything else to do with Zach. Just because they’d slept together didn’t entitle Zach to expect anything in return. A part of him believed it was because Zach was willing to accept any affection from Austen, no matter how brief, but the truth was, he wanted Austen to want to be with him. He also respected Austen and wasn’t about to start making any demands of him. With a heavy sigh, Zach shut off the water, stepped out of the shower, and grabbed a towel to dry himself off. All he could do was be himself and hope it was enough for Austen.
CHAPTER 10
AUSTEN PACED his room, unable to believe what he’d done. How could he be so stupid? He ran his fingers through his hair, kicking himself for being such a fool. Had he really thought he could get a taste of Zach and walk away? That he could bury himself inside Zach, feel his skin, drown in his kisses, and things would go back to the way they were? What the fuck had he been thinking?
“You weren’t thinking, were you?” he chastised himself. Oh no, he’d been thinking all right. He’d been thinking with his dick instead of his brain. He rubbed his hands over his face and let out a frustrated growl. If he closed his eyes, he saw nothing but smooth skin, the muscles of Zach’s expansive back shifting and moving as he writhed beneath Austen. The delicious way his broad shoulders tapered down to his waist, and that perfect ass. Fuck, he could feel himself growing hard just thinking about it. Zach’s rich musk still invaded his senses, and he could almost hear those little sounds Zach made that drove Austen wild, sounds that Austen brought out in Zach.
“Goddammit!” He’d spent years building a wall to keep Zach out, and in one night he’d fucked it up. Years of being cautious, of pushing Zach away, of keeping his distance, and for what?
Would it be so bad if you just gave in?
Austen stilled.
What if he did? What if he stopped fighting it? Stopped overthinking? Zach was the one who kept pushing despite Austen’s warnings. Zach knew who Austen worked for. Maybe he didn’t know the details, but he wasn’t naïve. He knew what Austen was, and he still wanted Austen.
When he sees you, sees who you really are, he’s going to walk away, and he’s going to take your heart with him. He’s a good man. He’s not going to want someone as fucked-up as you.
“Shut up,” Austen snarled. He dropped down onto the side of the bed, his elbows on his knees and his fingers in his hair, his eyes closed. Whatever he did was only going to end up in heartache; that much he knew. How could it not when he was involved? Zach was an adult. If he wanted to take the risk, when it blew up in his face, he only had himself to blame.
Austen stood. If it was going to end anyway, why not make the most of it? Why spend it being miserable when they could be rocking each other’s world? So it wouldn’t last, big deal. It wasn’t like Austen wouldn’t see it coming. Besides, Zach wasn’t like the other assholes he’d been with over the years. Austen kept pushing, prodding, testing, trying to expose Zach, certain there had to be something ugly deep down, hidden by a good-guy facade, but time and time again, Zach proved him wrong. Sure, he got pissed, frustrated, angry, but he never once tried to assert dominance over Austen. In fact, he always seemed to be aware of his size and strength in comparison, never being anything but gentle.
In the years Austen had known Zach, he’d never made demands of him, given him ultimatums, or tried to force Austen. He could have easily taken what he wanted, or at least tried, but he never did. Instead he treated Austen like something precious, like someone who deserved his goodness.
“This is crazy.” Austen shook his head. What he needed was to cool off. He headed to the bathroom and took a nice long shower, hoping it would shake him out of whatever dumbass funk he was falling into. As he stood under the cool spray of water, he saw a muscular chest, chiseled abs, and strong legs with a thick, monster cock nestled in auburn curls between those long muscular thighs. The thought of Zach’s heavy, cut cock made Austen’s mouth water, and his own dick jumped in response. It had been a challenge to fit his mouth around it. Austen was always being told he had a big mouth. In this instance, he couldn’t have been more grateful for it. What would it feel like to have Zach’s length stretching him, filling his tight hole? He’d never wanted anyone to fuck him, and the thought of Zach’s weight on him should have made him feel claustrophobic and stifled, but it didn’t. Instead he found himself yearning for it.
Austen let his head hang. “I’m so fucked.”
Drying off, he walked into his room, then dressed in loose pajama bottoms, a T-shirt, and some warm socks. He hated cold feet. After turning off the lamp, he lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Since when couldn’t he sleep? He’d trained himself to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, ensuring he could grab some much-needed rest wherever and whenever. His training was serving him for shit right now. He got up and left the room. The house was silent, everyone having turned in hours ago. He went to the huge kitchen beside the main sitting area and turned on the lights. One of the large Crock-Pots was on and keeping something warm. He opened the lid and had to move his face so he wouldn’t drool in the homemade hot chocolate. After grabbing a ladle and a mug from one of the cabinets, he poured himself some thick, sweet deliciousness, no whipped cream needed.
With mug in hand, he walked into the sitting area and made himself comfortable on the huge overstuffed sectional. For the first time in forever, he felt himself relax, truly relax. Outside, the snow fell, adding to the layers of white already blanketing everything. It was blissfully quiet. Austen hadn’t expected to feel so at ease. He’d figured either the silence or the constant chatting, laughing, and hugging from the Zacharys would drive him batshit crazy. Neither happened. If he wasn’t careful, he could get caught up in the illusion. He’d never felt like he belonged anywhere, always too restless to stay in one place for long. Being here with Zach, welcomed by his family, almost made him feel… normal. Wanted. And that was dangerous.
The air changed, and Austen caught the soft scent of soap and baby powder.
“Hey.” Sheena sat down beside him with a contented sigh.
“Hey.” Austen glanced around but didn’t see anyone else.
“Who are you looking for?” she asked, but her expression said she already knew the answer.
“Your man. He’s gotta know you’re not in bed with him, so I figured he’d be searching for you.”
“I went to see my grandbaby,” she said, gracefully pulling her socked feet up, her arms wrapping around her drawn-up knees. “And Colin doesn’t monitor my movements. He knows I’m gone, and he knows I’ll be back soon as I’m done doing whatever I’m doing.”
Austen peered at her. “In the middle of the night.”
Sheena leaned in to him, whispering like she was imparting some great secret. “We have this nifty little thing in our marriage that works wonders.”
“And what’s that?” he asked, amused. He liked Sheena. She’d have made one hell of a THIRDS agent if she hadn’t decided to devote her time to her family and Therian rights.
“Trust,” she said with a knowing smile, her bright blue eyes never leaving his.
“Yeah? What’s that like?” Austen joked, but it fell flat even to his ears. He swallowed hard and turned his head away. What the hell was he doing out here talking to her anyway? They weren’t friends. He couldn’t imagine Colin would be too happy finding Austen getting all cozy with his wife, even if it was just talking. If Austen was on fire, Colin probably wouldn’t piss on him to put him out.
“Do you ever get tired of it?”
“Of what?” Austen asked, thrown off by the question.
“The loneliness. The lies. Always having to look over your shoulder, never being able to put your trust in anyone.”
; Austen opened his mouth to give her the same answer he’d always given, except this time he paused. What had always been his truth, now wasn’t. He met her gaze, his brows drawn together in confusion.
“Yes.”
Austen blinked and moved his eyes away, startled not only by his answer but that he’d been honest with her. He was good at his job. Did he love it? No. It had never been about loving what he did. He’d killed for his country, but he didn’t love it. Doing what he did filled the void inside him, at least temporarily. When he was on the job, there was only the mission and nothing else. He had no time to think about the empty apartment, hotel room, or safe house he’d be going back to. No thinking about how lonely his existence was. It had been exciting once, and in many ways, it still was, but whereas he used to spend his free time in clubs, sneaking out of bedroom windows after a night of fucking, now he went home to his empty apartment. Alone.
“How long have you been doing this?”
Austen didn’t even have to do the math. “Fourteen years.”
“And you’re what? Not even thirty?”
“Twenty-eight.” God, sometimes he felt like he was so much older. His life was certainly not going to allow for aging gracefully. If he aged at all. He was damn good at what he did, but he never expected to reach retirement.
“Jesus.”
“Your husband’s been a THIRDS agent much longer,” Austen murmured, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going. When the hell did that happen?
“Yes. And his job isn’t easy by any means. Sometimes it keeps him up at night. Other times he’s distant. Needs some space to work through the terrible things he’s seen on the job.” She stared off through the window at the falling snow. “There are times when the nightmares wake him up, and I hold him as he cries himself to sleep. He’s a big, tough Therian with a big, soft heart. The world is a terrifying place at times, but we have each other. Me and the kids, we’re Colin’s life, so he’s going to do everything in his power to make sure the world we live in is a little less frightening and a little more accepting.”
Love and Payne Page 13