by M. E. Betts
Cindy got out of the passenger side of the truck, slamming the door.
"What the fuck were you trying to do, Steph?" she demanded.
Stephanie started bawling. "It's all just hopeless," she blubbered. "I can't live like this."
"Like what?" Cindy demanded. "You're lucky enough to be in one of the few places that we know is safe, you have food and water, somewhere to sleep and shower--and you try to kill yourself? Badly, I may add!"
"The world is never gonna be the same," Stephanie said flatly, shaking her head and looking Cindy square in the eye. "I don't know what we're even living for anymore. What's the point? How long do you want to be cooped up in a loft, with nothing to look forward to ever again?"
Cindy looked at her in disbelief. "How long do I want to be in that loft? As long as I wake up every morning, or as long as it takes until it's safe to go out again, that's how long! Do you know how many people would have loved to be in your shoes, to have a chance to survive? And you want to throw it away?" She scoffed. "That's as selfish as it gets." She turned away, getting back into the truck. "Let's go, Jon." Shari was surprised...Cindy had actually impressed her for once. I'm glad she said it, 'cause I didn't wanna have to be the one. She turned to Stephanie.
"You want that ride now?" she asked. The two of them got into the car, and they drove back to the house with Jon and Cindy behind them.
"She doesn't know what it's like to be in my head," Stephanie said. "I wasn't hurting anyone else. Maybe she likes living like this, but I don't."
"If you don't appreciate life, then no one is going to change your mind," Shari said indifferently, turning into the driveway. She saw Stephanie turn to look at her out of the corner of her eye, her eyes full of surprise at Shari's response.
When they got out of the car, Stephanie approached her sister, hugging her.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to hurt you, or make you worry." The four of them climbed back up into the loft, where Fauna was keeping an eye on Timothy. The two of them were looking at an astronomy book together.
"Welcome back," she said to Stephanie. "I imagine you won't be pulling a stunt like that again anytime soon?" Stephanie shook her head and went to out to the balcony, sinking into one of the loungers.
"She's only nineteen," Cindy said. "I don't think she was mature enough to deal with any of this. She was a mama's girl, and she's facing the fact that our mother is most likely gone."
"Well," Fauna said, looking out the balcony doors where Stephanie sat, "if she's suicidal, we'll have to keep an eye on her. She shouldn't be alone at any time. Not even just for her own sake...if she does somethin' to herself while we're in this loft with her...." She glanced in Timothy's direction. "She may well put all of us in danger, too."
"I don't think she would do that," Cindy said. "I agree we should watch her, though."
Shari went into the kitchen to start dinner. I wonder if she thinks she's the only one who's lost people, she thought. Selfishness is alive and well in the apocalypse.
Stephanie leaned back in the lounger, staring absently out into space. I'm already dead, she thought. I don't know why I'm still here. She supposed maybe Cindy was right, that somebody else deserved to survive more than she did...somebody who had an interest in living. She herself couldn't imagine the thought of trudging through this post-apocalyptic hellhole, day in and day out, struggling to survive...striving to grow old in this terrifying new world.
She was always submissive by nature. She didn't see how succumbing to the zombies was any different than succumbing to Cindy's wishes, or succumbing to the will of an abusive father, or a controlling boyfriend. She was always doing what others wanted of her...and the zombies wanted, overwhelmingly, to eat her. She was never any good at asserting herself, putting her foot down, and she didn't feel the gumption to start now. Giving in was, invariably, easier than putting up a fight. Cindy got the fighting gene, and I got the push-over gene.
She cast her thoughts back to the previous November. She had been dating Paul for about five months when she came home with large, shiny dark purple bruises on her legs, speckled with little yellow and green dots. Cindy noticed it when she accidentally saw Stephanie changing her pants.
"What the hell is that?" she demanded.
"What the hell is what?" Stephanie mumbled, eyes down, fumbling to put her jeans on.
"What do you think?" Cindy snapped, snatching the jeans away. "Those huge bruises on your legs, how did you get those? Did Paul do this?"
Stephanie rolled her eyes, sighing. "Look, it's not a big deal, alright? It's the first time it happened, and he said it won't happen again." She looked down at the floor, silent for a few seconds. "He's got a lot going on right now, I stressed him out...he didn't mean to, okay?"
"Don't be stupid," Cindy chastised. "It never happens just once! It'll get worse, you hear me? I'm telling you, I've seen this happen to a lot of my friends, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let it happen to my baby sister."
Stephanie had experienced an odd feeling that she couldn't quite articulate. On the one hand, she had a boyfriend trying to control her...and on the other hand, her sister who was forever dominating her. There was no way to succumb to both of them. Although she knew her sister was righteously concerned, it made her angry at her for putting her in a situation where she didn't know what to do. She felt as if she were being pulled in two directions, and as she found it too difficult to pull back from one side or another, she felt it would simply tear her in two. It turned out that she didn't have to decide whether to stand up to Paul or her sister. Cindy had talked Jon into intimidating him. It must have worked, because Stephanie never heard from Paul again after that.
Sitting on the balcony, she snapped back into the present. Her sister wanted her to live, but there was also the tidal pull of rotting cannibals who would never make living easy. They were a force of nature in the new world. She knew there was only one way to alleviate the pressure she felt. I'll just have to make sure that this time, they don't know what I'm doing until I've already done it.
Shari was in the barn, saddling up her horse. It was a bit cooler than it had been, only in the mid-70s.
"I'm gonna go for a ride," she had told Fauna. "Get some fresh air."
"Bring your bow if you're goin' alone!" Fauna had called from the kitchen as Shari descended the ladder.
"Of course!" she had called back.
She turned to grab a saddle, and saw Jon had come in.
"You're always sneaking up on me!" she said, startled.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he said. "So...are you dead-set on going alone, or can I come with you?"
She eyed him with mock suspicion. "You ever rode a horse before?"
"A couple times, yeah," he said. "But I figure I should brush up on my riding, since I might need to do it one of these days."
"Good point," Shari said. "I'll show you how to dress the horse, and we'll be on our way."
Once both horses were ready, they opened the corral gate and rode the horses out.
"Wait here for a sec'," Shari said. She closed the barn door to protect the one horse who remained inside. Lately, they only let the horses out into the corral if somebody was keeping a direct eye on them. It seemed that as the zombies had fewer and fewer people to eat, they had warmed up more to the idea of animals. They had caught a couple trying to get into the corral, and the previous week Shari had watched through the sight of her crossbow while two zombies mauled and ate a dog a half-mile down the road.
She jogged back over to her horse, mounted it, and they set off to the north.
"Good day for riding," Jon said after a few minutes of awkward silence.
"Yeah."
"You know, to be honest," he said, "I had to get out of the house."
"Why is that?" Shari asked. I bet I know why.
"Cindy, she was getting under my skin. Ever since Stephanie tried to feed herself to the zombies the other day, it's like...it's like Cindy's been on the off
ensive. She's usually overbearing with her sister, but she's had no choice but to lay off of her...doesn't want to push her over the edge, you know? So I've been bearing the brunt of it. And let me tell you, she doesn't hold back with me." He sighed heavily. "It's just so hard...I mean, we never know what's going to happen from one day to the next, especially nowadays...and it's heartbreaking when someone you love, someone who carried and gave birth to your child, gives off nothing but negativity. Nothing but negative, when there's already so much of it in the world."
The sky was bright and clear, the air crisp and cool. The days were getting shorter again, gradually but steadily. It was an early reminder that fall was coming. The late afternoon sun in its western decline cast long shadows stretching eastward, shadows of the tall grass and of Shari and Jon on their horses. Shari breathed in deeply. The air had a distinct freshness compared to what she was used from before the apocalypse, even out in the country. The earth is gradually detoxing, she thought, without society around to poison it.
"I'm sorry she has to be that way," Shari offered lamely. It was true, though...she felt for Jon, and for his son.
"It could be worse," he said. "At least we're all alive. Besides, maybe she'll chill out eventually."
"I hope so," Shari said. They approached the northeastern side of the property, with the creek as its border. Fauna and Mitchell had set up a yard swing facing the creek, bordered by colorful summer perennials. "Let's sit for a minute before we go back," she suggested, dismounting and walking over to the swing. Jon followed behind her.
"I love this spot," Shari said, lighting up a smoke as she sat down. "Perfect spot to just sit and unwind." She set her bow on the swing to her left. Jon sat down to her right. He let out a long, deep sigh.
"Cindy's not gonna be happy that I just took off," he said. "But I'm to the point where I don't even care. You know what she said to me before I left?" Shari looked at him questioningly. "She said that--" He laughed bitterly. "She can't believe she's stuck with me for the rest of her life, then went on to say something along the lines of, 'I guess I don't have a choice though, seeing as you're one of the last men left alive.' Can you believe that shit? It's almost like she thinks she's doing me some kind of favor, or something. She wouldn't be alive if it weren't for me, and neither would Timothy. And how does she thank me? By basically acting like I'm a thorn in her side."
"I don't think she really means it," Shari said. "Maybe after awhile of being off her meds, her chemistry'll level out and she'll chill out a little."
"One can only hope," Jon said. "I don't want Timothy, or myself for that matter, to wind up as neurotic as she is. After she said that shit to me, I had to get out for awhile. I don't care if it pisses her off, she's got me to the point where I either have to get away from her when she starts in on me, or I'l wind up saying something to her that I may regret."
"That's pretty reasonable," Shari said. "She's lucky to have someone like you. Maybe someday she'll realize that." She turned toward him, and they locked gazes for about ten second.
"It's nice to feel appreciated," he said softly, bringing his face in closer to hers, "even if it's not by my wife." The next thing Shari knew, their lips were pressed together, their teeth clashing. She reached her hands up, her fingertips meeting his broad, firm chest. I've waited so long for this, she thought.
Afterward, as they gathered the clothes which they had hastily thrown onto the ground in their rapture, Shari spoke up awkwardly.
"Uh...thanks, I, uh...I've needed that for quite some time." She offered a self-conscious smile. We'll sleep better tonight, won't we? That voice again, the one with a mind of its own.
"You and me both," he replied. He gazed at her for a long moment. "I wish Cindy could be more like you. How is it you were single, anyway?"
Shari giggled. "I guess my standards are a little high."
"I'm glad to see I live up to those standards," he said, winking slyly at her. "It is a shame that you and me can't be together. I guess Cindy's right...we are stuck together now. We have a son, and for his sake, we can't split up with everything that's going on."
"I understand," Shari said. "Although if you were single," she said, smiling and snapping her fingers, "I'd snatch you up in a heartbeat!" She looked over at Jon, who was positively beaming.
"It really feels good, just to know that," he said. "Well...I guess we should start back, huh?" Shari nodded, slipping into her boots.
They mounted their horses and began their southwestern trek back to the loft. The sun was beginning to sink into the fringe of the western treeline. As much as Shari had enjoyed what she and Jon had just done together, she was also a bit concerned. I can't fall in love with him, she thought, because I can't have him. She frowned, wondering how she would manage living in the loft with him and his wife...knowing that the man she was so deeply attracted to was off-limits...and no other men around to distract her from the fact.
"You asshole!" Cindy screeched. The first thing Jon saw as he climbed up from the ladder into the loft was Cindy's fist flying toward his face, while Shari climbed up behind him. He never saw it coming...the blow almost knocked him back down into the garage. "What the hell is wrong with you!? We have a kid together, and you're willing to throw everything away for this?" She gestured toward Shari, an expression of disgust contorting her features.
"You really want to do this in front of everyone?" Jon said, touching the back of his hand to his mouth, looking at his hand and noting the blood that was smeared on it. "Fine! Let's just air all our dirty laundry while we're at it, okay?" Stephanie ushered Timothy out to the balcony and closed the door, keeping an eye on the scene from outside. Jon continued. "Husbands and wives are supposed to take care of each other, and that includes fucking each other, alright?" Cindy was dismayed and taken aback, but said nothing. "And this shit of you telling me that you're disappointed to be stuck with me--it's got to stop, alright? Stop being such a selfish bitch, and put things in perspective for a second." Shari saw Cindy's jaw drop indignantly. She had a feeling this was the first time Jon had ever really put her in her place. "What if something happened to me? What if I left here and never came back, and the last thing you ever said to me is that you regret the fact that we survived together as a family?" Cindy opened her mouth to protest, but he continued before she could speak up. "Some people still have needs, okay? It's a shame that Shari does a better job than my own wife of making me feel good, and I don't mean just my dick." He glared at her unapologetically. "What I did...it may have been wrong, but not as wrong as your total lack of respect for me, and your lack of concern for my feelings. How much did you think I could take?"
Cindy turned to Shari, her face twisted in a mask of rage.
"You homewrecking bitch," she spat.
Shari rolled her eyes dismissively. "I didn't wreck your marriage, you were accomplishing that just fine on your own," she said. "He's right, some of us have needs. Besides, there's no way I would have done it, if you hadn't made it abundantly clear, from the moment you showed up here, how much you despise me." She turned to walk away, then heard the click of a hammer being pulled back and felt the sensation of unyielding metal on her scalp.
"No, you're not gonna turn this around on me," Cindy said, bawling. "I haven't done anything wrong, you guys did! I'm the victim, alright?" Jon looked at her in horror, his eyes wide.
"Cindy," he said, trying hard to soothe Cindy's rage. "You don't want to do this. I understand entirely if you're upset with us, but it's not worth killing her over."
Cindy stood for a moment with the barrel of one of Fauna's revolvers pressed against Shari's head, her hand trembling. "I can't let her get away with it," she said, wailing loudly, chest heaving. There was a second click.
"Put the gun down," Fauna said in a low growl, aiming her .357 at Cindy's astonished face. She sank down to the floor, sobbing.
"I can't believe you're all gonna make me out to be the bad guy," she moaned. "It's not fair."
"Jon,
take her into the panic room," Fauna instructed.
Cindy protested as Jon picked up up, flailing and slapping at him as he carried her across the room.
"We'll let you out when we feel it's safe to do so," Fauna said as she punched the keycode, locking Cindy inside. She turned to Shari, lowering her voice almost below an audible level. "You shouldn't have been so reckless," she said.
"I'm sorry," Shari said. "It had just been so long, Fauna."
"For both of us," Jon agreed.
"I understand, you're both human," Fauna said. "I'm just makin' a point, is all...you both knew this woman was unstable."
"I don't know how she found out," Shari said.
"She found a pair of my binoculars, she could see you from the balcony," Fauna explained. "Those things are 12X magnification. You shoulda went over to the other side of the treeline or somethin', made sure you didn't get caught."
"We didn't really plan on doing it," Shari said, "it just kinda happened."
Fauna nodded. "Well...now we got a mess on our hands." She turned and walked back to the balcony.
The mischievous voice in Shari's head piped up. I don't regret it. Shari grimaced in distaste at the thought.
"I'm thinking about leaving," Shari blurted out a week later as she helped Fauna clean the barn.
The expression on Fauna's face was one that, Shari thought, might be more appropriate if she had said, "I'm thinking about going to the moon."
"Why?" Fauna asked, eyes narrowed with one eyebrow raised, a questioning smile on her lips.
"It's too awkward after what happened with Jon and Cindy," Shari said, scrubbing the concrete floor with a push broom while Fauna ran the hose over it. She shrugged. "I don't think it'll ever stop being awkward. And..." She paused. "I'm still attracted to him."
"Aw, shit," Fauna whispered. "Well...I can't stop you, I suppose." She rolled her eyes. "So where are you gonna go?"