by Lynne Silver
Once that was off her chest, she looked at her friend to see her processing that news and then grimly smiled to see the waiter heading their way.
“And that’s it?” Ari asked. “They simply let their best person go?”
“They didn’t have much choice, though they did take the opportunity to make it ugly, commenting that I’d slept with clients and how I had no moral high ground on which to stand.”
“Assholes.”
Val lifted her water in salute. “Hear, hear.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to have a glass of wine.”
Ari reached across the table to grab her hand. “No, I mean about work?”
She shrugged. “Job hunt I guess. And maybe take some time off first. Get my head together.”
Ari looked at her soberly. “Maybe you could call Jason?” she suggested almost timidly, which in turn told Val how irrational she’d been over any mention of her ex.
“I’m fine. I’m glad we broke up.”
“Oh, really? You’re feeling better now that you don’t have to worry about Jason being injured on the job? So much better that you. Quit. Your. Job!”
Valerie glared at her best friend, seriously contemplating ending the twenty-year relationship. “Ari, enough. Even if I admitted to having regrets, it’s too late. Jason made it clear he’s done with me and I don’t think Bernstein and Smith will take me back. It got nasty.” Maybe Ari had a point. It hadn’t sunk in yet that she was unemployed and not getting any severance. Had she lost her mind?
“Really?” Ari said, playing with the skewer full of olives in her drink. “Job woes aside, Jason looked pretty gaga over you.”
“I broke up with him over the phone, Ari.” Saying it aloud brought tears to her eyes. How could she have been such an idiot? “He thinks I’m a bitch and a coward.” Talking about losing Jason hurt a lot more than the loss of her job. The first she’d cared about deeply. The latter, not so much lately.
“And the worst part is you know it’s true,” Ari said, not without a good deal of sympathy.
Val couldn’t answer without bursting into tears, but she managed an abrupt nod.
“Oh, hon.” Ari scooted around the table to haul her up for a huge hug. Val buried her face into Ari’s shoulder and released a flood of tears.
“I’m such an idiot,” she cried. “I really liked him.” She gently pushed Ari off her and tried to dissemble. “Why did I insist it was a fling? I possibly threw away the love of my life. He thought I was amazing and I hurt him.”
Ari folded her arms across her ample chest and kept a steady, penetrating gaze on her. “So fix it.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never gone after a guy once we broke up. They come after me.”
“What do they do?” she asked, looking for any point of reference. Any map for the road to get Jason back. She didn’t want her job back.
“Generally flowers. One guy sent a video of himself singing the latest Taylor Swift album.”
“What? Why?” Despite her misery, she found a little laughter.
Ari laughed, too. “I don’t know, and frankly it scared me off him forever. You need to figure out what will make Jason trust you again.”
“He thinks I didn’t love him enough, and if I did, I wouldn’t let my fears stop me from being with a firefighter. How do I prove to him I’m willing to try?” Her words were thoughtful, slow.
“Again, I have no answers, except to say it will take time,” Ari said. “You’re smart. You’ll think of something. But in the meantime, put some makeup on or you’ll scare him off and any potential employers.”
Val smiled, feeling a ray of hope enter her body for the first time since Jason had hung up the phone, ending their budding relationship.
Three weeks later
Jason took his seat in the large auditorium. Tonight was the essay portion of the testing process to become part of the International Search and Rescue Team. His stomach churned and the skin under his cast itched like crazy. He picked up one of the three pens lying on the desk in front of him to use as a scratching tool, sticking it under his cast. Winter had hit early and the heat was cranked up in the room. Sweat dripped onto his shirt.
From three seats over, Dan gave him a grin and a thumbs-up. He didn’t look nervous. He looked as cool and cocky as he would if this were a bar and their only test were to flirt with pretty girls. Jason was nervous. He’d been dreading this night for weeks, especially since he’d done nothing special to prepare for it.
After Valerie had called it quits with him, he’d done nothing to get ready. He had the names of tutors and places to call for help, but he’d done jack. He hadn’t even written a practice essay as Valerie had suggested once. His mind was a total blank canvas at the moment other than nerves and anger with himself for possibly screwing this up. Forget possible. It was highly probable he’d screw this up. If he hadn’t already shared his intentions to Dan about joining the team, he would’ve skipped the entire thing.
The room quieted down as a tall, almost military-like man entered with a more petite woman behind him. They stood at the front. “Can Mr. Jason Moore meet us in the front, please?” the man asked.
Jason scratched at his cast and tried not to hyperventilate over the upcoming essay exam. It was high school all over again, except this time he cared about the outcome.
“Yo, Jason,” Dan hissed, leaning across a desk. “They’re calling for you.”
He looked up and noticed several faces aimed in his direction. Feeling his cheeks heat, he stood and jogged to the front with a pen still stuck halfway down his cast. When he arrived at the front, the woman indicated he should follow her out of the room. Meanwhile, the man flipped on a projector with four questions typed onto the screen. He shoved a stack of paper onto a desk in front and told one of the candidates to pass it out.
Jason kept looking over his shoulder at these happenings, wondering why he was being pulled from the room when he was supposed to be taking the essay exam. The door closed behind him and he was alone in a narrow hallway with the woman.
“Mr. Moore, I’m sorry we didn’t find you earlier. You’ve been allotted extra time to take the test.”
“Huh?” He looked at the woman. “No, it’s cool. It’s my left hand that’s broken and I’m a righty. I can still write.”
The woman blinked at him. “That’s good, Mr. Moore, but that’s not why we’re giving you extra time.” She waited for his response, lifting her brows when he continued to stare at her dumbly. She sighed. “Mr. Moore, we’ve been informed from your captain that you are a highly qualified candidate who would be an asset for our team.”
He nodded, feeling more like an ass than asset.
“Your county’s PR representative told us that you have a diagnosed learning disability that would benefit from extra time for writing the essays. Is that true, or would you prefer to turn the offer down?”
“No, I’ll take the extra time,” he blurted out, feeling his ass-factor go up by two and shocked at Valerie’s stretch of the truth that she was their county PR representative. As far as he knew, her work for the county was as over as their relationship, yet she’d made a call on his behalf. Numbly, he returned to the testing room, where everyone was bent over their desk, and tried to focus on the test and not on Valerie.
Jason found his seat and read the first question.
He found himself easily answering, the words flowing and making sense because he was pretending it was like the conversation he’d had with Valerie. All he had to do was record the words. While he wrote the essay, his mind raced. Had Valerie called his captain to make it happen? Since she hadn’t mentioned anything about it to him when they’d still been together, he assumed she’d called in the last three weeks.
It was damn nice of her. He’d hung up on her and all but called her a cowardly bitch, and she’d still done this for him. A sort of desperate shame flooded through him, but he swallowed i
t back and tried to focus on answering the questions.
After a while, Jason was alone in the room, with a cramped hand when he finally wrapped it up. He rose, stretched, and walked to the front to hand in the test.
“Thank you, Mr. Moore. That will be all for now. Someone from the office will be in touch within two weeks.”
“That’s it?” He looked up, surprised. It had been painless. It had almost been fun writing about his beliefs and training—way better than his usual cursory answers.
“That’s it,” she said. “You’re free to go.”
He walked out of the room in a daze. The hallway was silent. The other candidates in the auditorium were long gone. Jason smiled, riding a bit high on his success. He’d clinched it; he was almost sure of it. He wanted to feel elated, but something, or rather, someone, kept him from full-blown happiness. That someone was Valerie.
Chapter Sixteen
Valerie shivered and pulled her hat farther down on her ears. She stood by herself on the browning grass next to the gravel path. Four feet in front of her, her father stood at her mother’s gravesite, kneeling and placing a fresh bunch of tulips—her mother’s favorite flower, though Val didn’t have a concrete memory of this.
Next to Dad, Judy stood within reach, ready to offer support, both physical and emotional. Today was the anniversary of her mother’s death, and it was a tradition to come as a family unit to visit the gravesite. Both Valerie and her father came alone on other random occasions throughout the year, but today was a family thing.
Normally they laid their flowers then sat on the nearby bench while her father would reminisce and tell a story of their courtship or their early parenting days. Today, Valerie had been withdrawn and silent. Dad and Judy attributed her mood to the loss of her job, though that wasn’t what was bothering her. She had a good lock on some very interesting and more morally upstanding PR positions.
No, what was bothering her was that it had been more than three weeks since she’d dumped Jason and the separation wasn’t getting any easier. She still missed him with an ache that was sharp as Judy’s near-professional chef knife set.
Watching her stepmother and her father holding hands and supporting each other on this hard day normally comforted her, but today it was as if they were flaunting their love in her face.
Finally her father rose and turned to her. Tears wet his eyes, but he smiled and reached for Judy. “Losing her was a horrible pain, but I’d do it all over again. She gave me six beautiful years and the most beautiful daughter.” He looked at her and Valerie burst into sobs.
How brave her father was. Much braver than his cowardly daughter, who’d possibly lost the love of her life due to fear.
“Valerie,” Judy exclaimed and hurried over, but Val warded off her advances.
“I have to go,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m not coming to lunch with you. I’m sorry, but I have to go.” A wild idea had floated into her mind that if she begged, maybe Jason would give her a second chance.
Her parents stood with arms tightly wound around each other’s backs. Her father’s face looked worried, but Judy looked knowing and smiled at her. “Go get him back, honey.”
“How did you know? I…I don’t know if I can. I hurt him.” But she’d already taken a step backward toward her car.
“If he loves you, just as you are, then it will work out,” Judy said, and Val’s eyes widened as she realized she’d never truly given her real self to Jason. She’d hidden large pieces of herself, and if she was ever going to gain his forgiveness and his trust, she was going to have to reveal everything. No matter how terrifying.
Thirty minutes later, she was knocking on the door to Jason’s apartment, praying he was home and not working. Relief flooded into her when she heard footsteps and the metal on metal sound of a bolt unlocking.
Jason stood in the doorway, looking down at her with a frown on his handsome face. Valerie wanted to throw herself in his arms and beg forgiveness, but they needed to talk first. She had much to explain. “Can I come in?”
He paused, a long pause, with every second emphasized by one of her heartbeats, and then he gave a curt nod and stepped aside, allowing her in.
She tugged off her hat, crushing and twisting it between both her hands. Her coat she kept on, not secure of the length of her welcome. “How…how have you been?”
He shut the door behind him, but didn’t approach or make her feel welcome. “Fine.” He shrugged.
“The USAR exam was today, wasn’t it?”
He nodded, but didn’t give a smile or any body language to indicate how it had gone. Finally he spoke. “Do I have you to thank for getting me the extra time?”
“Yes. I hope that was okay.”
“Yeah. It was good. Thanks.”
They stared at each other for another endless second and she wished she’d been honest from the beginning. How much easier it would’ve been if, weeks ago, she stripped off her pants, observed his reaction to her scarred legs, and acted from there. Instead, she’d become emotionally involved with him, but the time had finally come for honesty.
“What—” he started, and she was sure he was going to ask what she was doing in his apartment, so she started talking before he could kick her out.
“Did you know the USAR Team 1 has a support group for family members?”
He frowned, obviously thinking she’d lost her mind. “That’s what you came to tell me?”
“Yes, I mean, I wanted you to know I’ve been looking into it because…” She looked away, not sure what to say next. Finally, she walked fully into the apartment, her feet silent on the thick carpet, and placed her hat on the coffee table. Her coat came off next and she laid it on his easy chair.
“Because why, Valerie?”
She pointed to the couch. “Can we talk?” She didn’t wait for his acquiescence and hurried to one end of the couch and waited until he strolled reluctantly to the other end and sat.
His expression was sober, and he didn’t give one iota of a smile or anything to make this easier.
“What is going on?” he finally asked. “Why are you here?”
Gently, she reached for his wrist and pulled back before stroking a finger over his cast. She hadn’t seen him in three weeks and the tug of attraction was still riding her hard. It was all she could do not to run a hand through his hair or reach out to hold his hand.
“I’ve been reading about support for the families of members of the rescue squad, because I wanted to learn more. If you make the team and get sent overseas, I could listen to a nightly conference call to hear about your day and I could meet other spouses of volunteers. I wouldn’t feel so alone.”
As if he couldn’t help it, he reached a hand out to caress her cheek. “Val.”
“No. Don’t touch me. There’s a lot I need to tell you.” She looked past him, talking rapidly. “I can’t make any promises. I’m still scared to be with someone who has a dangerous job, but I…” She met his gaze full on. “I want to try. I’m ready to stop hiding from life.”
He didn’t say a word, nor did he grab her and kiss her or any of the hoped-for reactions. “What changed your mind?” he asked. He obviously had to hear it. She’d ripped his heart out and stomped on it last month when she’d broken up with him over the phone. If they were going to try again, he had to know she was in all the way. “You might not be able to handle my dangerous job, but I can’t handle my woman jumping ship every time bad shit happens.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.” She reached out to him and put a hand on his thigh. “As you said, there are no guarantees in life. I know that firsthand. You have to understand,” she continued, “this is all new to me. I don’t know any other firefighters or police officers. Most of my friends date desk jockeys. We worry they’ll get caught in insider trading deals, not caught in a building fire. And…and I know what it’s like firsthand to be caught in a fire. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, let alone the man I love. Please,” she whis
pered. “Please forgive me. Give me a chance.”
He blinked at her. “What do you mean, you know what it’s like to be caught in a fire?” he asked slowly and carefully.
She nibbled a nail then removed her hand from her mouth to sit on it. “I’ve never showed you…wait, no. That’s not where I want to start.” For a PR professional, she was mucking this up. She’d rehearsed a speech in her head most of the car ride over, but now that the time had come to deliver it, she’d forgotten her lines.
“Valerie…”
She held up a hand. “Give me a second.” Jason settled back, giving her the minute she needed to organize her thoughts and emotions. “I told you I hadn’t slept with a man in a long time. Well, it’s been exactly six years.” She paused and let him absorb the magnitude of that statement. “But I didn’t tell you why.”
“I’m the first man you’ve slept with in six…years?” Jason looked shocked. “Why?”
“When I was five…” She took a breath and repeated, “When I was five, I had an accident.” Deeper breath. “No. Not an accident. Have you ever noticed I keep my legs covered?” she blurted out.
Jason blinked at her, and she could see him replaying their sexual encounters in his mind. “Yeah, you do. Why? It’s not about the sexy lingerie?”
She started speaking again before he could ask more questions. “When I was five, our house caught on fire while I was sleeping. It started in the attic right above my parents’ bedroom. Faulty wiring. My dad had been working late in his basement office, but my mom…” She broke off for a second. “My mom was upstairs sleeping. The smoke got to her first.”
Jason listened intently, but Val was almost frightened by the look on his face. “How long did it take him to get you?” he asked.
“Who?”
“Your dad. How long before he got you?”
“Quick, but not before…” Slowly she pulled up her loose trouser legs and rolled down her ubiquitous thin knee-high socks. “I’d hidden under my blankets and was protected from a lot of the smoke and other damage, but the trailing end of it caught fire. It lit like a firework and I was burned.” Her legs were now on full display for Jason’s viewing pleasure. From her toes to the bottom of her knees, puckered pink and white skin covered her calves and shins. Two of her toes had no nails.