by Jillian Neal
The tender tremble of her fevered body spoke volumes. “I’d really like that.”
“Done. How about the other way around? Want to tie me up and have your way with me or make me beg and then deny me?”
“Maybe. Would you let me if I wanted to?”
“Most definitely. You know wanting to be dominated is a completely normal, healthy desire, right?”
“Yeah, I know, just feels odd asking for it.”
“Bondage?”
“Yes.”
“Psycho Anal Fun?”
With that she dissolved in another fit of giggles. “Maybe without the psycho part.”
“Excellent amendment, my love, and I have noticed that you seem to enjoy my hands being on your delectable ass.” He squeezed both of her cheeks, making her wiggle against him. “I highly suspect you might like to be spanked.”
“I noticed you stopped giving me the percentages of women who share these fantasies. I take it I’m now in the minority.”
“You dodge like a pro, but it doesn’t matter. Your fantasies are my only concern. There are no fantasies that are wrong to have. Their individuality is what needs to be explored personally.”
“All right, fine, yes, I’ve definitely dreamed about you spanking me. Since the first time we slept together when you said something about it beforehand I’ve wanted you to do that.”
“My hands or some kind of instrumentation?”
“When I think about you doing it, you just use your hands. I kind of think if you hit me with anything I’d remove your spleen via your throat.”
“Ah, there’s my cowgirl. Glad I asked. I’m pretty sure I’m using my spleen.”
“I get to ask questions, too.”
“Of course.”
“What do you fantasize about doing with me?”
“I told you, they come by the dozens. Got off in the shower while you were back home thinking about you tied to my bed with a blindfold on, while I took everything I wanted.”
“Wow.”
“But that can all remain in my head, or heads as the case may be, if you don’t care for that.”
“I do. I mean, the blindfold, everything. I want to try it all. I’m tired of understanding the concepts but having no actual experience with them.”
Holly had no idea how she was verbalizing any of this. He’d once again shattered all of her barriers. She felt safe. Shocked at herself, but safe.
“I shouldn’t ask, but I have to. How about role playing? Perhaps professor and student?”
Laughing at the very odd predicament they’d managed to land in, she nodded. “Yeah, definitely have that one. Guess I’m living my fantasy. How about you?” She smirked. “Actually, let me guess. Nurse fantasy, or maybe a band groupie?”
Dec all but gagged. “Been in too many treatment facilities to have a nurse fantasy, and I’ve slept with groupies. Trust me, it isn’t something I relish recalling.”
“Okay, so what is your role playing fantasy then, Dr. St. James?”
“It’s horrendously clichéd.”
“Tell me or I’ll tickle you.”
“You are completely adorable.”
“Tell me.”
“I’d rather see you try to tickle me.”
“Declan.”
“Fine, I have a very detailed fantasy about a naughty librarian.”
“Pretty sure I can pull that off.”
“Oh, darling, I have no doubt.”
“There’s something else I wanted to ask, but I don’t want to kill the mood we’ve got going on?”
“Ask me.”
“Did Evie want you to get your piercing? Is she why you had it done?”
“She is not, actually. I had it done when I got out of my second round of rehab. Back then, before I knew what my specific weaknesses were, I was hyper-aware of cross addictions. I wouldn’t drink. I wouldn’t even go to bars which basically meant I did nothing but stay in my shitty apartment and study. I refused to even go back to the farm because I knew there might be painkillers there. Piercings interested me. I had a tongue ring for a little while, and I got my brow done before I was legal, but the apa piercing takes months and months to heal. That kept me from using sex to distract me from my junkie habits, and somewhere in the clusterfuck that is my head, I hoped my future wife might enjoy it.”
“I do.” She couldn’t help herself. She wanted him to have some idea what she was thinking about their future.
“Cheeky girl, the things you say and do to me. Someday, you’re going to figure out how much better off you would be without me.”
“Not gonna happen.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Every rectified loss the day had levied, every blow he’d endured, they all eased their vice-like grip as she brushed a kiss on his neck. His devious side conjured a dozen ways to help her discover and explore herself as a sexual being, and a dozen additional ways to figure out just what she might like, given that she was now quite literally his student. His other side, the side that so desperately sought redemption, was desperate to prove to her that he would be worth the love she held for him. He would make himself better for her. He would not only meet her needs; he would prove himself to her for her.
“I bought you four coffeemakers,” spilled out of his mouth before he could bite the words back.
He swore her hysterical giggle should be written into music and sung by some kind of angel choir. “Uh, why exactly?”
“Mostly because I have no clue how to do right by you, but showing you that I love you is all that matters to me. If I like something, I do everything to excess. If I like a song, I’ll play it over and over again until I know the lyrics backwards and forwards and can play it as well as the producing band. I’m telling you this because I want you to know me, the real me. Being in a relationship with me can’t be an easy thing. Also, because the entire store was bloody confusing and the sales chick kept talking about sparkling vampires and tea. It was horrid. Also, I need to hold your tits.” He cupped her tender cleavage in his hands and felt her nipples pebble beneath is caress. She was laughing again. His cock throbbed against her back. “There, now I feel better.”
“Can’t say I really have any problem with being spoiled to excess or being felt up, but why don’t we look at them tomorrow morning and maybe return three of them to the store?” The stars outside his window on the darkened night were nothing compared to the shimmer of delight in her beautiful eyes.
“Can you promise me something else, since we’ve decided to go on and throw the entire box of matches in the forest fire?”
“Anything.”
“If I do something you don’t like, if I screw up in this whole boyfriend department, which I admittedly do not fully understand, please tell me. I can learn. It’s just sometimes I don’t know healthy ways to express love.”
“Dec, so far, you’ve been perfect.” One of her sweet kisses landed on the corner of his mouth. He instantly wanted more. Needed more. Couldn’t exist without more. “What girl doesn’t want gallons of coffee at her disposal?”
“I’m about to do something you don’t like.” He quirked a smile and hoped she knew he was teasing her. Her respondent grin, said she knew him better than he’d guessed.
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“I’m about to tell you to hush, so I can do this.” With that, he scooped his hands under her thighs, eased up on his knees, and then laid her back so he could levy his body against hers. Desperate for her, he slid his cock against the slick, fevered folds of her pussy. Her lips were still swollen and tender from the force of his fingers a half-hour before. Their soft heat blanketed him. He shuddered from the heavenly sensation. Her entire body was soft against his solid strength.
“Baby doll, you’re so wet you could take me just like this.” He moaned before capturing her lips with his own, taking them hostage as he drew her tongue into his mouth and sucked. He nipped her bottom l
ip as she spread her legs further, an invitation he could never deny.
“Take me,” she gasped. The scent of her arousal, ripe with abandon, filled him. A heady fog of lust wrapped around them from the heat of their breath. A concealment against the world that longed to tear them apart.
“Is that what you want? Want me to open you wide? Make you all mine. Make you ache with it.”
“Yes,” she thrust against him. “You promised. You promised you’d fuck me so hard I’d feel it tomorrow. Every time I walk, every time I move I want to know who I belong to.”
Fucking hell, she was too much. He’d spent half his life turning down things he craved, but he would never possess the strength to deny himself this pleasure.
She blew his restraint straight to hell. She always did. Promising himself that soon he would take his time with her, he would fuck her so often he’d eventually be able to summon patience enough to fulfill every fantasy she’d described and those yet to be disclosed. But tonight, tonight they needed this without pretense, without complication. They needed to exist as one before they had to weave the web of lies that he prayed wouldn’t ultimately be their undoing.
Rocking his hips forward he penetrated her gently, filling her full in one long fluid thrust.
The hitch in her breath and gasp from the tender pierce drew a low groan from his lungs. “So tight. So perfect,” he grunted out his pleasure. He made two shallow strokes, reveling in every silky ripple of her pussy. With another full thrust he drowned himself in her, making her tremble beneath him as he filled her to overflowing.
When his piercing hit her g-spot she bucked against him. “More, please.”
“Shh, baby, let me enjoy this. I’m gonna get you there. Just relax for me.”
Her delectable little body cinched around him as he pressed harder, staking his claim. On his next thrust he stared down at her. Eyes closed in ecstasy, body rolling against him, so hungry for more.
“Look at me, darling.” Another slow thrust before he picked up pace, giving her what she wanted. Her eyes blinked open, emerald fires of need on his withdrawals and warm pools of contentment when he permeated her fully. “So damn beautiful.”
Her hands pressed against his biceps and traveled to his shoulders, clinging to him, making him her ballast in the storm, the only role he’d ever desperately needed to fill. He continued to rock, making certain she felt his piercing slide against her as he pervaded her body. She would feel it in the morning. Feel what belonged to him now. Feel his occupation and long for more.
Lifting up on one arm, he reached his hand between them and gathered the slick essence of the two of them before he hesitantly caressed at her clit.
“Oh God,” she seized as he gently rotated his fingers, bringing her closer with every pass. She came in a wild cry of carnal noise. It ripped him apart. He gave two more frantic thrusts, forcing her orgasm to continue, as he gained his own. This time he unloaded fully inside of her, bathing her walls in everything he was, owning her thoroughly.
Holly’s eyes blinked open before the sun made its appearance over the lake. She felt Dec slip from the bed. Why was he leaving? It couldn’t possibly already be time for work. She’d willed the night to extend, wished for it, even tried demanding it from the universe. Once they were out of bed, she’d have to leave and pretend that she was once again alone.
“What’s wrong, baby?” His sleepy voice calling her baby reminded her yet again why every sacrifice they had to make was worth it.
But damn he was good. She couldn’t get anything by him even in the dark. “Where are you going?”
He slid back in bed and positioned her on his chest once again. When his fingers worked through her hair, just the way he’d soothed her to sleep the night before, she gave him a sleepy sigh.
“I usually work out before I leave for work and then run at lunch. I don’t know where to run on campus that would be safe. The workouts ease the strain of my addictions and give me the equilibrium I’ll need to get through a day trying to pretend you aren’t the most important thing in my world.”
Holly wondered why he thought campus was somehow unsafe, but was enjoying his admission that she was just as important to him as he was to her. “There are bike trails on campus. There’s even a whole bike group or whatever. I’m sure you could run there.”
“That might not be the best idea.”
Forcing herself to sit up and study him, her brow furrowed. “Why?”
“You’re so damned gorgeous, did you know that? I could definitely get used to waking up beside you looking thoroughly sexed.”
“Dec.” Was he dodging her again all of a sudden?
“Dealers aren’t hard to come by on college campuses, sweetheart. This is difficult for me. As weak as it makes me to struggle with this, I had my routine figured out and it worked for me. The way to fight addiction is to create a life and a routine that makes it difficult to buy and use. Now, I have a completely different job, in a new place where dealers are ever present, and I’m with a woman I desperately need to protect. I need to not screw up this relationship. I’m also breaking the number one ethics code, and if I get fired I quite possibly will never see you again. The stakes are higher than I’d like. I have to take every precaution I can. Slipping is far too appealing when I’m not with you. Bike trails, parking lots, being outdoors on campus removes a barrier between me and the dealers.”
Guilt ransacked Holly’s stomach. She’d been pouting about him getting up before her and he was trying desperately to not only save their relationship, but to save his very life. “You aren’t weak, Dec. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. Can I do anything to make this easier?”
His half smile was somehow broken. “Thank you. Just don’t be afraid to hold me accountable, but this is my battle to fight, my war to win.”
“But. . .couldn’t I be one of your soldiers? I’ll do anything I can to help.”
“Just give me a little time to work through all of this. I eventually learned to be in bars for gigs without it bothering me. I got through a divorce and being fired. I’ll figure this out, too.” He brushed a kiss in her hair.
“Okay. Go workout. I’ll. . .make breakfast.” There. That was something she could do.
“Make yourself at home. If you get lonely, I’ll be in the basement.”
Holly showered quickly and then wandered around Dec’s house, feeling somehow nervous, like an invited intruder. The odd sensation kept her from exploring much. She made her way to the kitchen and laughed when she saw the four coffee makers lined up on the countertop. Declan St. James, I love you, and we’re going to figure all of this out. She shook her head and investigated each of the makers. Several of them had to have cost a small fortune. She’d grown up drinking coffee strong enough to take the paint off a barn, or strong enough to get cowboys up and out of bed to work cattle long before sunrise. She wasn’t picky.
Scanning the bells and whistles, she selected a mid-range maker and set the others in the entryway to be returned. When she’d run enough water through it to make coffee that wouldn’t taste like new plastic, she searched for breakfast food.
As it turned out, Dec’s kitchen was stocked. He must’ve liked to cook. There was still so much she didn’t know about him. It occurred to her that they’d never really been on a date. He’d come over to her apartment a few times before the night his band had played at Duffy’s. She was supposed to spend the weekend with him but hadn’t. The oddities and complications of the relationship weighted her again. Maybe that was best. Not having gone out meant fewer people would ever have seen them together. Still, it felt like they’d skipped several of the normal relationship steps. What if those mattered? What if they were trying to build a skyscraper without a foundation?
‘You want me to tell you that this is all gonna work out just the way you want it to, but I can’t do that, sweetheart.’ Her mother’s words welled in her chest. He was worth it. They were worth fighting for, and that was their found
ation.
With a determined nod to the empty stovetop staring back at her, she took a dozen eggs from the refrigerator and found some bread to make toast. Holding an egg in her hands, she pressed with her index finger and thumb, applying equal pressure, and watched nothing at all happen. The delicate strength of the shell. When she slammed it against the side of the bowl it split and spilled its contents. They just had to keep it together for a semester or two, never applying too much pressure from either side. That was it.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“You really are entirely too good to me.” Dec tried not to be uncomfortable as Holly sat a plate full of eggs and toast in front of him. She’d even made him tea. He wasn’t accustomed to being taken care of and this all harkened decidedly too close to some kind of fifties sitcom.
“I know, it feels weird. We’ll figure it out.” Holly slunk into the chair beside him.
“I’ve never even eaten at this table.”
“I’ve never spent the night at someone’s house and then made breakfast the next morning before they went to work.”
She was lost and seeking something he couldn’t quite discern. This wasn’t them. The entire thing felt rehearsed. It pricked at his skin. His gut churned. It was like trying to sweep concrete with a rake. It would eventually accomplish the task but the cost was more than he could stand.
Shaking his head, he lifted his mug of tea and his plate. Then he balanced her coffee and her plate delicately. “Come here, my sexy little cowgirl.”
He sat the plates on his coffee table, handed her the coffee mug, and settled in the corner of his large couch. Patting his lap, he watched her tense disposition melt as she cuddled into him and sipped her coffee. “This is so much better,” she sighed.
“Let’s never force anything, okay? We’re good together, Holly. Really good. I know it sucks we can’t see each other this week, but there’s no reason we can’t talk on the phone. We’re good on the phone.”
“Yeah. We are good on the phone. I just wish I didn’t have to leave. Going back to campus scares me. I feel like I’m too easy to read. You seem to have no trouble knowing what I’m thinking.”