by Jillian Neal
His warm chuckle eased her restless mind. “One second.” When the helmet and leathers were off, he drew her back into his arms and kissed the top of her head. “You okay, baby?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. Just come inside and lock the door.”
She half dragged him to the couch in the living room and tried to wait patiently while he jerked off his tie and button-down shirt, then she curled up in a ball in his lap.
“I’m loving this, sweetheart, but your heart is racing and you look like you saw a ghost. What happened?”
“You’re going to think I’m a big huge baby that’s entirely too immature to be your girlfriend.”
“I would never think that. I’m right here. I will hold you like this forever if you’d like. You talk whenever you’re ready.”
“Now you’re psychologist-ing me.”
“I’m not trying to, I swear. Can’t always take the psychologist out of the man.”
Summoning courage she hadn’t been able to locate until he got home, she lifted her head. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was okay until the pizza guy came. He acted weird, super weird. He kept messing with his phone even when I was trying to pay him, and he kept asking if I was here alone. Then I thought I saw a man in the backyard. I’m sure it’s nothing. All my imagination. I’ve been calling myself an infant for the last two hours.”
“Sweetheart, I am so sorry.” He tucked her head back under his chin, rubbed his hands up and down her back, and brushed kisses in her hair.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Unable to help herself, she nuzzled against his neck and fisted his undershirt in her hand.
“I do. I am an idiot of epic proportion, and I am so very sorry.”
Holly raised her head ready to argue now. “Dec, you are not. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Baby, I left you home alone in this ridiculously huge house that you aren’t used to and instructed you to write a paper on rape. I am sick. I cannot believe it never occurred to me that you might be unnerved by that fantasy. I am so sorry.”
She slumped back against him in relief. That’s why she was so jumpy. Of course. Why hadn’t she realized? She’d never equated the topic of the paper to her case of nerves. It all made sense as soon as he said it. “Why did you give me that topic?” Okay, so she was a little annoyed now.
“It seemed to line up with your dissertation goals. I swear. . .I just never considered that it would throw you. I didn’t expect it to even take you an hour to dismantle. I was completely insensitive to the fact that you are a woman and that even the idea of it as a fantasy might frighten you, rightly so. Please forgive my incredible stupidity, and that is unfortunately not the end of my apologies for the evening. I told you I’m no good at this.”
“No, Dec. That isn’t it. I guess it all just kind of got to me. What do you mean it lined up with my dissertation goals?”
“That fantasy is quite common for several reasons, but the underlying purpose behind every reason given is that society has shamed women’s sexuality so thoroughly and for so long women feel ashamed for feeling physical pleasure or for allowing themselves to be the center of attention for any period of time. The idea that they didn’t have a choice, that they were forced to have sex, allows them to enjoy it without risk of shame. That is why it is such a common fantasy. Obviously the fantasy is nothing like the actual event, which is never about sex and always about power. It is quite honestly the lowest of human lows. The fantasy represents nothing more than the harm we’ve done to ourselves as sexual beings.”
“By not having to admit that they wanted the sex they have no responsibility to have regret enjoying it.”
“Precisely.”
“That makes sense and makes me angry for woman-kind.”
“It should. Like I said, I thought the paper might give you a starting point for your dissertation work.”
“And that is the same reasons submissive fantasies are also so very common.”
“Brilliant girl. Women bear the brutal load of responsibility for most everything now and are constantly told that nothing they do is good enough. Letting someone else take over for a while is highly pleasurable. I was trying to help you with blasting the constraints we’ve put on women’s sexuality straight to hell, just like you said you wanted to. I was handing you the dynamite so to speak.”
“Now, I really want to write the paper. Women can fantasize about anything they want to and shouldn’t feel guilty.”
“There’s my cowgirl, but I do have another confession, though I swear I have no idea how I could have done anything differently in this case.”
“What happened, and what did you mean Newsome was trying to set you up? I told you he’s really not like that. He’s a good guy. You just have to get to know him better.”
Dec’s eyes closed and he rubbed his temples. “Not set me up like trying to catch me doing something wrong. He tried to set me up with his daughter.”
“What?!”
“She was at the restaurant when I arrived. Holly, baby, you know I had no idea, and if I had I never would have agreed to go. I was incredibly rude. She cornered me in the parking lot and explained that this isn’t the only time her parents have done something like this. Newsome asked me about bringing a date to the dinner. Naturally, I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone. Lying to cover things up will always blow up in your face. Take it from me, an addict and therefore a liar by proxy.”
“But Dr. Newsome and his wife were there the entire time? You were never alone with her?”
“I was alone with her very briefly in the parking lot, and I made certain we were never closer than ten feet apart. She is moving across the country to be with the man she is currently living with. She is wildly in love with him, and far more importantly, I am wildly in love with you and would never ever do anything to jeopardize what we have.”
“I know.” She did know. She could feel it. The entire insanity of everything that had happened was the cause of all of this. If he’d never gotten hired on at the University, none of this would ever have happened. She knew her part. She’d pushed him to go on with their relationship. She had to take responsibility for any complications that arose while keeping them a secret.
“You do?”
“Of course. I mean, I’m not crazy about the fact that you were set up on a date, but it isn’t your fault.”
“You are the most understanding woman in the world. You have every right to be upset. Please don’t hide things from me. If you’re mad, say so. I don’t want anything between us.”
“I’m mad at this night. It wasn’t a good night, and I hate that we’re in the mess we’re in, but I’m not mad at you at all. Just part of the deal, right?”
“I’m going to keep apologizing for my part of royally fucking up your night in.”
“I know you are, but you don’t have to. I’m just glad you’re home.” Holly debated but couldn’t keep the question pulsing in her mind at bay. “Was she pretty?”
“I quite honestly have no idea. I’m blinded to all other women. I’m holding my own personal sun in my lap. I can’t see anything but your light.”
“It’s getting deep in here, St. James. I need a shovel.”
“I’m quite serious. I couldn’t describe her to you if you begged me. You are my everything. I will tell you that the only rock song she knew was Wonderwall and she called the band Oceans instead of Oasis.”
“Okay, I feel better now, but if she’s living with some other guy why did her parents try to set her up?”
“Sounded to me like she’s living a bit of our predicament. Doesn’t want the Newsomes to know about her relationship so she placates to keep them happy.”
“Sucks not to be able to be with who you love and tell the world.”
“Epically.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
“Jay-sus, don’t give them gloves to Holl. She apologizes to every heifer before she shoves her hand up ‘em. We’ll be here
all day,” Austin harassed as Holly prepared to preg-test cattle the next afternoon at the sorting pens on Austin and Summer’s land. They’d already worked through Natalie and Luke’s herds.
Summer promptly smacked her husband in the back of the head. “You ever been pregnant and had someone shove their hand up you, Austin Camden? No, you have not. You leave Holly alone. It’s feminine solidarity.”
Holly high-fived her sister-in-law before she went on with the business at hand.
At the end of the long day, Holly was covered in manure, dirt, and sweat and desperately wanted a long hot shower and a huge mug of coffee. She also wanted to curl up in Dec’s arms and let him massage away her sore muscles.
She briefly tried to envision telling her parents or siblings that she was dating her human sexuality professor, that she wanted to bring him to the ranch, and also needed them to keep quiet about it, but visions of her brothers driving to Lincoln to let Dec know what they thought of their arrangement made her cringe.
“Mighty quiet today, baby girl. Some’em you wanna tell your daddy about?”
Holly grinned as she helped her father brush the horses and hang up bits. “I’m all right, Daddy, just tired.”
“Nah, you ain’t just tired. Your mind’s a million miles away, or maybe only a couple hundred miles away, but it ain’t here on my ranch.”
“Mama told you about Dec, I take it.”
“She didn’t have to tell me. I saw it last time you were home. Tell me about this young man that has my girl under his thumb.”
“Daddy.” Holly rolled her eyes. “He does not have me under this thumb. Don’t say things like that. He means a lot to me. He’s very good to me. Kind of the best guy ever.”
“If he’s from Lincoln, he ain’t a cowboy and that means. . . .”
“He ain’t good enough for me. Yeah, yeah, I know.”
“No, now, don’t get all huffy on me. You’re my little girl. Hurts a daddy’s heart when his baby goes and grows up and lets somebody else be her hero. I don’t like it.”
“Aww, Daddy, I’ll always be your little girl, and you’ll always be my hero, even when I’m eighty.” She threw her arms around his broad chest and let her daddy’s warm embrace ease the world, just the way it always had.
“You better be, and this boy better treat you right, and you can tell him I’ll have plenty to say about it if he don’t.”
“He will.” Holly had no idea how to explain to her father that Dec wasn’t a boy. Another round of guilt weighted her exhausted frame. She didn’t like all of the secrets and the lying, but there was no other way.
“He in school with you?”
“Uh, not. . .really.”
“Where’d you meet him then?”
“Met him at Duffy’s one night before classes started.”
Her father scowled. Picking up a guy in a bar did not cast Dec in the best light, but at least that was the truth.
Dec was finally able to draw a full breath when Holly entered the lecture hall Monday afternoon. He’d talked to her for hours the night before, but hadn’t spoken to her on her drive back from Pleasant Glen that morning. He’d missed her. His empty bed still held her scent and served only to make him ache, and it would be another long week before she would return to his arms.
Stifling a smile and a wink for his girl took practiced resolve. He studiously ignored her and she did the same. They repeated the awkward act as the class handed in their papers on fantasies. Their eyes locked as he passed her desk and took her paper, the paper he’d already read because he’d helped her write it. He lingered before her too long, desperate to say something, anything to her, to let her know how much he hated having to pretend that he barely even knew her name.
Beth Kinders cleared her throat and propelled him onward. So, clearly Holly hadn’t managed to convince her friend they’d broken up. They’d gone from simply playing with fire to fanning the flames.
Climbing to the next row of desks, he glared at Singleton, who was rather pompously typing on his laptop. “This isn’t kindergarten, Singleton, either turn in the paper or don’t. Matters not to me. I’m not going to chase you down for assignments.”
“Yeah, I was a little busy this weekend. I emailed you the paper since this is not 1986.”
“I will not grade an emailed paper. In fact, I won’t even read it. Good luck moving beyond this foundational class with a failing grade.” Dec moved on.
“I don’t have time to hand write papers, St. James. Some of us have lives.”
Dec refused the bait. Trevor was a grown man. At some point he would learn there were consequences for his actions. Holly, however, looked ready to maim. Dec’s heart swelled at her defensiveness of him.
“I can’t even believe you got this job. My father says. . . .”
“Let me make something clear, Mr. Singleton, I could not care less what you or your father think. Lucky for you both, admiring me is not a course requirement. You will either follow the guidelines or you will fail. End of discussion. If you have anything else to say on the topic you can wait until after class or direct your pathetic drivel to Dr. Newsome.”
“Oh, I’ll be talking to Newsome. Don’t worry.”
Tension muted the room. Dec sat the papers he’d collected on his desk, proceeded through his class notes, and assigned a lengthier paper on the current trends in sexual therapy due in two weeks.
When class was dismissed, Holly took entirely too long gathering her belongings. Baby, don’t do this. He reached for his phone to text her to go on, but the rest of the class cleared out quickly, murmuring about Trevor. Before he could type the message, she was standing at his desk.
“Um, Dr. St. James,” her voice shook. His heart fractured.
“Ms. Camden, excellent work on Money’s love map last week. I look forward to reading your paper.” Go, sweetheart. Just go.
“Thank you. I enjoyed the topic.” She glanced nervously at the door. There were still a few students lingering in the corridor.
Dec discreetly shook his head.
“I know,” she was barely audible. “It’s just Trevor’s family is really powerful. Be careful.”
“I need to get to my next class, Ms. Camden. Was there anything you needed help with? I have office hours later this afternoon.”
“No. Well, maybe. I wanted to discuss the paper that’s due in two weeks.”
“I’ll be in my office after 4:00 or you can email me. There’s a TA available in the research library as well.” What was she doing?
“Great. Thanks.” With that she spun on her boot-heel and fled the building.
‘Baby, are you okay?’ He immediately sent her a text.
‘Yes. I’m sorry. I just got to thinking that Trevor could get you fired and I freaked out.’
‘Let me take care of Trevor. You just go be brilliant.’
She sent a selfie of herself blowing him a kiss. He was certain she’d been careful and no one would’ve known whom she was texting, but a photo was worth a thousand words and it was harder to cover up than ten thousand.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
By Wednesday afternoon, the entire campus was talking about Professor Sex playing at Duffy’s Friday night, and Holly was more than prepared to lodge her shit-kickin’ boots up the next chick’s ass that she heard refer to Dec as such.
“He is so freaking gorgeous. I swear, I’d lay down for more than one sex lesson from him,” Amanda Higgins, a transfer in from Oklahoma State, drawled while Holly and Beth were sitting at a table with two other girls in the library working on their Statistics project.
Holly seethed, and if Beth didn’t quit offering her sorrowful glances, they were going to figure out why Holly was being such a bitch.
“What are you wearing Friday to Duffy’s?” Ella Carlson inquired.
“As little as possible, obviously,” Amanda laughed.
“Agreed. Bet he’s a rock star in bed and out. Lucky I’m not in his class. I plan to sneak backstage and see i
f Professor Sex might like to make me choke.”
Holly’s chair careened into the table behind her when she leapt up.
“Holly,” Beth pleaded.
“I have to go,” Holly slung her bag over her shoulder and marched towards the door.
“What’s wrong with her? She’s been a bitch all day.” Amanda’s drawl incited Holly’s blood. She longed to show her just how bitchy Nebraska cowgirls could be when the need arose.
“Who cares? Where does she get off thinking she’s better than everyone? Have you ever listened to her in class? Miss ‘I’m a psychology major so I know all.’ She works with cows. It’s gross,” Ella huffed.
Holly spun past the racks out of sight to listen.
“Hey, she’s my friend. You’re being a bitch. You ever stop to think about the fact that without cowgirls you wouldn’t be able to eat? You ever stop to think maybe she’s sick of talking about some good looking professor when we have work to do. I seriously doubt Dr. St. James wants to have anything to do with either of you,” Beth sneered. “I’m leaving. You two can figure out your own stats project. Holly and I will do ours on our own.”
“But we’re supposed to be a group of four,” Amanda pouted.
“Yeah, we were, but you’ve done absolutely nothing so far.”
“But you and Holly did all of the research. We don’t have copies of it.”
“Bingo, bitch.”
Holly heard Beth’s chair slam against the table before she escaped to the parking lot. Far too many emotions swirled in her gut. She hadn’t eaten lunch. Her chest ached from the weight of the secrets that just kept building. Now she’d caused trouble for Beth.
“Holly?” Beth raced towards her.
“Hey, I heard all of that. I’m sorry about that. I’m so sick of hearing women talk about him like that, but I don’t want to create more work for you.”
“Don’t be sorry. I can’t stand them. Cowgirl pride, girl. Besides, I hate group work. I want credit for my own shit.”
“Agreed.”
“Wanna go get some supper?”