I feel the need to remind you: This is NOT a serious book. I grant you it brushes against some serious topics. But it’s listed under Humor and Family. I say this primarily to the few of you who have written to me in outrage over one of any number of issues that, frankly, you’ve taken far too seriously. SMKR’s stated mission is “Commiseration, Comic Relief, and Birth Control.” And that is all. This crap’s fer laughin’!
And as Steve James Snyder asked rhetorically on Time.com, “What is a parent to do but shrug, laugh it off, and share pics with fellow parents who can nod along in bemused sympathy?” Don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I could endure raising small children without laughing frequently and heartily about the whole crazy, poignant, hilarious, and profound experience.
“… our . This was all done by 7:30 AM.” Submitted by: Ruth
“I think our kids probably figured our alarm clock was obsolete since they always wake us before it goes off anyhow.” Submitted by: Michelle
“My two-week-old blew out of his diaper while I was nursing him, covering me and him in orange sticky poop. I was cleaning us both with wipes when he peed his face and the bed. I picked him up, thinking he was surely done, but no, he proceeded to pee again all over my lap. I laid him back down to go start the bath water (wipes just weren’t gonna cut it) and he barfed all over the bed.” Submitted by: Alicia
“Lindzey’s and the beginning of the summer! Two breaks, two bones, one arm.” Submitted by: Megan
Submitted by: Bevin
“I saw my two-and-a-half-year-old take felt pens into the living room. I followed him after one minute to make sure he was drawing in the notebook and not on the table. I didn’t see any drawings in the notebook, or on the table. And then I saw his ’s face.” Submitted by: Kat
“My !” Submitted by: Bill
“No, son. You’re supposed to throw the ball.” Submitted by: Brian
Submitted by: Heather
“The picture speaks for itself. I never even got to use the chairs or the umbrella, all still wrapped in the original plastic!” Submitted by: Tasha
Submitted by: Rebecca
“This is what happens when grandma gives you a Sharpie.” Submitted by: Dianne
“Three years ago I was twenty-eight and had a flat, smooth stomach … the boys ruined any chances of me ever pursuing a career as a bikini model.” Submitted by: Leigh
“We were moving in … we hadn’t been there an hour. Two-year-old totally entertained by sliding down steps on her butt … we had no idea there was a surprise inside. Did I mention it was ?! And I only had about six baby wipes to clean her and the mess.” Submitted by: Erica
“Age fifteen. Driving school dropout.” Submitted by: Amy
“My brand new …this was the day after my son squirted toothpaste all over the bathroom.” Submitted by: Brittany
“This is just another day in the life of two boys under the age of seven. Good times.” Submitted by: Jennifer
“Our pull-out ” Submitted by: Beth
“Auto insurance renewal after sixteen-year-old totals two …$8K. Everyone okay … Priceless.” Submitted by: Chris
“My ’s self-esteem.” Submitted by: Rachel
“My son, who has a scientist for a father, decided to do a science experiment. What happens when you put a in the microwave for two minutes? You have to buy a new cell phone. And microwave.” Submitted by: Hannah
“What these pictures don’t show is that they are right next to the AC intake vent. It was seventeen months ago and I’m still finding cornstarch in random places!” Submitted by: Hamburke
“That’s a slice of under his head.” Submitted by: Lori
“Oh no, not the .” Submitted by: Alyssa
“Destroyed my , closed it back up, and I didn’t find it until the next day.” Submitted by: Jojo
“My .” Submitted by: Ally
“Yes, that is his sister covered in glitter in the background. And, ‘A couch?’ you ask. Yes, that is my also covered in glitter, ‘the herpes of crafting supplies.’ ” Submitted by: Charlotte
“FYI, if you mix all the food dyes together you get this lovely green shade.” Submitted by: Edward
“Yes, that’s a drawing of daddy. And yes, daddy has man-boobs.” Submitted by: Heather
“This is how we found out that one of them knew how to escape the crib. She crawled out and got a tub—not a tube—of .” Submitted by: Steve
“Apparently the first bite is the best.” Submitted by: Kari
“Words are not necessary to explain this picture.” Submitted by: Christie
“ ‘Mom can’t see us. We are ninjas,’ was the phrase that tempted me to check out what was going on in the .” Submitted by: Nicole
Submitted by: Skye
“When your child gets really quiet while playing in your bedroom closet, be afraid. Mine dug this out of a box in my closet and got creative while her grandmother was watching her. Thanks, Maw Maw.” Submitted by: Jenilee
“When you finally decide to go shopping for yourself, this is what your two-year-old does.” Submitted by: Stephanie
“My five-year-old son made our pretty.” Submitted by: The Weiss Family
“Barbies + those wicky-stick things = The Wall of Evil. They spent hours perfecting the Wall of Evil. I’m saving up for their future therapy bills.” Submitted by: JAS
“My son swung his backpack into the $400 ‘unbreakable’ …and broke it.” Submitted by: Suzie
“The top of my bathroom vanity filled to the brim with hot water after my three-year-old needed to wash his hands (coincidentally after drawing all over the table with markers). Two weeks later I wondered why the heating duct in the floor wasn’t working. It was full of water.” Submitted by: Renee
“Carved into the top of a $1,200 !” Submitted by: Trish
“My son had to have full-blown surgery to have this rock removed from his .” Submitted by: Trina
“Sweeney Toddler here ruined .” Submitted by: Missi
“First the dog buried the plastic in the backyard. Then my four-year-old decided to wash them in the bathroom sink. And then somehow they fell into the toilet, and someone closed the lid and walked away.” Submitted by: Candace
“With a gallon of milk.” Submitted by: James
“I first saw the body paint when she came around the corner—after which she explained that she chose purple, black, and yellow for the television.” Submitted by: Allison
“My two-year-old grandson decided to play with the mustard. His four-year-old brother ran off to get his mom with mustard all over his feet and also ruined the carpet.” Submitted by: Candice
Submitted by: Cassandra
“My ! She poked it. Hard.” Submitted by: Jenny S.
“Her .” Submitted by: Jennifer
“Callan, pushed over by brother Fletcher.” Submitted by: Richard
“I’d never seen an explosive BM until this. You would have thought her dad would have learned to stay out of the line of fire.” Submitted by: O. M.
“Sometimes they don’t even have to be your own kids to wreak havoc in your life. Here’s a picture of the sink my students ‘fixed’ for me. They broke the bolt, too, so the entire had to be replaced.” Submitted by: Rebecca
“Managed to render supersized bag of cat food and useless simultaneously.” Submitted by: James
“My three-and-a-half-year-old and her best friend were pretending to be ‘hungry giraffes’—the tree was almost dead three months ago, and it was just starting to make a comeback.” Submitted by: Catherine
“My one-and-a-half-year-old threw an empty plastic toy bin at the forty-inch my husband has waited a long time for and purchased just six days ago. Sorry, honey!!!” Submitted by: Marie
“Oh your guests are arriving any minute? Well I got the party started by dancing in my own poo!” Submitted by: Nicole
“Fun physics lesson for five-year-olds at our house a month ago: What happens when one forty-five-pound boy climbs out his sist
er’s window and onto the ?” Submitted by: Erin
“My —Parents of school-age kids will know exactly what is going on in this picture.” Submitted by: Katherine
“My was ruined when my sons discovered they could hatchet-throw forks at it. (Also ruined: a set of silverware.)” Submitted by: Erin
“It took us a whole morning to tidy the , sweep the patio, and sow four pots full of lovely flower seeds. She managed to destroy it all in the time it took to wash my hands.” Submitted by: Morgan
“I checked the receipt. This happened sixty-eight minutes after I got through the checkout lane with the ball and the bat.” Submitted by: Julie
“My . He put the Thomas train on my head and turned it on. Ouch!” Submitted by: Jane
Submitted by: Loretta
“Me: Cameron why did you color your blue?
Cameron: I was drawing a spider.
Me: Why did you color your whole hand?
Cameron: I was squishing the spider!”
Submitted by: Jessica
“Of all the things one of my three kids ruined, this one breaks my heart the most. Good-bye $300 !” Submitted by: Amber
“What you’re looking at is a rare volume of rabbinic law that my three-year old daughter edited.” Submitted by: Steven
“She mutilated my and now I have nothing to bring to the party. Thanks, sweetie.” Submitted by: Serena
“Pee Shit Poop” Submitted by: Anonymous
“My two older boys (I have three, what were we thinking?) were washing the van and decided to put the in the ground … they couldn’t get it out. After much mud, dad had to cut the hose.” Submitted by: Penny
“My twelve-year-old was helping me make his lunch for school. If he wanted hot dogs, he should have said so.” Submitted by: Shani
“Just glad I saw these before they all melted. Too bad I didn’t see the ones melted on the top bunk.” Submitted by: Carol
“This was my birthday surprise—my then fourteen-year-old, her best friend, and my eight-year-old son decided to make cupcakes to celebrate. How sweet—you’d think. This is the kitchen they left me.” Submitted by: Kaz
“Blue stamp pad … he ate it.”Submitted by: Filva
“I asked my son to bring me the …in the time it took him to walk across the room, he disabled my iPod for thirty-nine YEARS. I’ll be seventy-nine before it unlocks.” Submitted by: Carly
“ + open bathroom door = a hard lesson learned.” Submitted by: Tiffany
“Sorry *enny, *ason, and *ustin. The five-year-old ate your initial.” Submitted by: Isabelle
“My two-year-old decided my brand-new-have-only-worn-it-once coat would look better covered in Liquid Paper/White-Out.” Submitted by: Rachel
“Li’l Jackson Pollock’s .” Submitted by: Mark
“When my son was a baby, I got sick of him dumping out all of the DVDs from my media cabinet so I put a lock on it. That worked out great until he turned five years old, climbed on top of it, and inexplicably swallowed the . They assured us it would, uh, pass. Two weeks, three trips to the emergency room, and $2,500 later, they had to put him under and fish it out through his throat.” Submitted by: Katy
“We found him secretly plucking out keys from the computer using a butter knife.” Submitted by: Chris
“Okay, kids, let’s make some tomato sauce!” Submitted by: Raphaël
“Courtesy of my mischievous three-year-old twin boys.” Submitted by: Twila
Submitted by: J.P.B.
“Butter . Oh, how we laughed.” Submitted by: Jansen
“Not really ruined, but a pain in the ass to clean up.” Submitted by: Jennifer
“After flooding the to the point of mud pit, they turned the hose on their uncle, who was lying on a nearby hammock talking on the phone.” Submitted by: Paul
“Apparently, our four-year-old twin girls have been ‘drawing’ on it with their fingernails. Awesome.” Submitted by: Jennifer
“My kid reheated some french fries in the microwave. She left the fries in the Styrofoam container from the restaurant. She cooked them for seven minutes and seventy-seven seconds because seven is her favorite number.” Submitted by: Brad
“My real question is, why is she crying?” Submitted by: Jennifer H.
“This is NOT poop—it’s paint! I have to say that first. This is simply the way my oldest expressed herself this particular day, using her little sister as her blank canvas.” Submitted by: Chrissie
“At least four magnets shoved in. No longer operational.” Submitted by: Wes
“Her daddy’s .” Submitted by: Nicole
“Uh, I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.” Submitted by: Devon
“My son states he was running through the kitchen when this gem happened. I kinda believe him, though, since he scalped himself a little when he did it.” Submitted by: Emily
“My six-year-old ruined my chance of convincing my wife I had nothing to do with this Mother’s Day card this year.” Submitted by: Rob
“Why yes, that is my filled with two liters of milk.” Submitted by: Danica
“While I realize of course if was for him, he ruined my when he added another spaceship!” Submitted by: J.P.B.
“This is what my twenty-month-old did to her Glow Worm!! Yes, that is what you think it is.” Submitted by: Julie
“My children killed my from the moment they became mobile. Oh, who am I kidding? My nerves were shot when they were in utero.” Submitted by: Michelle
“The boy who ate : My son chews on paper. Notice he carefully tore off all along the bottom before giving in to temptation and eating the islands.” Submitted by: Sara
“My daughter broke my husband’s by accidently head-butting him right before Christmas. While he was bleeding profusely, she was worried about a small scratch on her forehead!” Submitted by: Laura
“In about 20 years or so I intend to get even!” Submitted by: Melanie
“At least they are cute.” Submitted by: Sara
“All of a sudden the house got really quiet. TOO quiet. And my spouse asked, ‘Where’s Andrew?!’ ” Submitted by: Gretchen
“We scored a major food bonanza when somebody gave us a gallon jar of . They lasted twenty minutes before ending up everywhere. One month later and the kitchen still smells like a Greek restaurant.” Submitted by: Edward
“Never let your three-year-old watch your while you get dressed.” Submitted by: Dan
Submitted by: Paul
Submitted by: Ashley
“Does Culvers need a spokeskid?” Submitted by: Teri
“I love my kids but…! !” Submitted by: Julie S.
“This used to be my five-foot-tall until one afternoon when my four-year-old and his friend decided it was a ‘monster tree.’ ” Submitted by: Brittany
Sh*t My Kids Ruined Page 2