by J. L. Jarvis
“She will never lose me. I will not let her go.”
Alex stared at the pre-dawn shadows the leaves cast about them. “But the question is, how will you keep her?”
“I’ll not keep her like my mother was kept, if that’s what you mean. No, I am not going to marry the Lady Aemilia.”
“But how can you not?”
“Simple. As soon as Mari will see me again, I will take her away. I will marry her again and again, in every town from here to London, until everyone knows that we’re married, if that’s what it takes.”
“Unfortunately, it is not quite so simple.”
Callum shook his head, but Alex continued. “Glengarry and Seaforth have agreed. Plans have been made.”
“Aye, and he expects me to live as he did, with Mari as my mistress.”
They sat in silence for a long while before Callum spoke. “I always believed my mother’s version of how things were. But now I know that he did not love her in the same way she loved him. He cared. But it was not like the love I have for Mari.”
Alex quietly said, “You cannot know what goes on in a man’s mind and heart.”
“And what if I cannae? What matters is what a man does.” Callum looked at Alex. “I must see her.”
*
In the midmorning, before seeing Mari, Callum talked with his father alone.
“I cannot marry her. I belong to Mari now.”
“You’ve a duty to your clan.”
“And to my wife.”
“Unless you can produce proof of the marriage, she is not your wife.”
“She is by my word, and I will not let her go.”
“There’s no need. You just have to marry Aemilia, and after the wedding you can set Mari up in a little cottage and see her whenever you want.”
“I will not live like that.”
“It’s done all the time, and you ken it.”
“Aye, it is, but not by me.”
“You have no choice.”
Callum narrowed his eyes and looked straight at the chief. “There is always a choice. You just made the wrong one.”
The chief was furious. “Have you forgotten all I have done for you, unappreciative bastard?”
“Bastard, yes. But unappreciative? No. I have not forgotten one thing you have done over the years. I have never forgotten how you broke my mother’s heart. She loved you, but you used her for your convenience. You made her your whore. And you raised me as little more than a stable boy. I was ridiculed and attacked by every child in the clan until I fought them off one by one. Only after I’d fought every warrior here did you elevate me—and then only to serve your purpose. I fought to protect you, but I did it for her—for my mother. But she’s gone now, and I owe you nothing.”
“You little whelp. I gave you land.”
“But no name. And the land you took back.”
“Out of loyalty to the crown.”
“And what of loyalty to the woman who loved you, and to your son?”
The chief glared at Callum and said, “If this is how you repay me, then I have no son.”
“Aye? Well I never had a father, so it’s all the same to me!” Callum turned his back and stormed out, slamming the large oak door behind him.
With a face red with rage, Glengarry watched Callum leave.
Chapter 24
Callum did not wait for Alex to arrange a meeting with Mari. Instead, he strode out of the castle and went straight to Nellie’s.
She met him with scolding. “You deserve what you get, Callum MacDonell. Mari is not one of your soldiers. You cannot talk like that to her.”
“I know. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. But if you will not tell me where she is, how can I tell her so?”
Nellie gave him an admonishing look, and then nodded her head toward the meadow. “She saw you coming and went for a walk. She does not want to see you.”
Callum took hold of Nellie’s shoulders and planted a kiss on her cheek. She tried to look stern, but it melted to worry as he turned and started to run.
Mari was picking wildflowers when she saw Callum coming. Gripping the flowers like a closely held shield, she watched him approach.
Callum slowed down to a walk, afraid she might run if he approached her too quickly.
“I was a brute and a damned fool to speak to you so.”
“Aye, you were,” Mari said softly. She lifted her eyes to meet his. “I’ve never known you to be either.”
“Lass.” He reached for her hand, but she moved it only slightly from him, but enough to cause him to drop his hand to his side. Her withdrawal wounded him deeply. He looked at her with the eyes of a broken man and spoke in a low voice. “It was the thought of losing you. I could not—I cannot bear it.” He swallowed and looked off to the distance, unable to speak. When emotion overcame him, he looked away to hide it from her. When he was able to speak, he said, “Have I lost you already?”
The light touch of her hand on his shoulder was all the he needed to spin around and sweep her into a strong embrace. They clung to each other. Mari sobbed herself to exhaustion.
“I cannot bear to lose you,” he said as he clutched her against him.
“I dinnae ken how to leave you,” she whispered. “But if we do not part, there will be a clan war.”
A moan escaped from his throat as he leaned down to kiss her. “You are my wife.”
They sat, half concealed by tall grasses, beside one another. Callum circled his arm about Mari’s shoulder as she rested against his broad chest. Mari spoke first. “You have a duty.”
“My first duty is to you.”
“And how happy could I be if by putting me first, a clan war broke out? Lives would be lost. They are your friends and your loved ones. Your duty is to them as well.”
“I will not let you go.”
“Callum, I will never leave you. I vowed it once before, and I meant it.” She looked plainly at him.
He met her gaze, and knew what she was thinking. “No.”
“Callum, listen. Let me bide here. I dinnae care about anything but to be with you.”
“No, Mari. I will not have you live like my mother. I saw what it did to her.”
“It’s the only way.”
“No.”
Resigned to her fate, she stopped arguing with him. One look and she knew that he saw she was right.
“No, Mari,” he said, but his words were futile. He held her in his arms as all around them the grasses yielded to the cool evening breezes.
Chapter 25
Duncan came home from the sea. His parents lived in a small cottage near Nellie’s. They told him all the news of the castle. Callum was to be married? And what of Mari? No one seemed to know what would become of her, and yet she was still there. This news surprised him and half filled him with hope. He had not thought to see Mari and Callum here. She was staying at Nellie’s, they told him.
After he’d finished the midday meal his mother had prepared, Duncan went for a walk straight to Nellie’s. Mari was bringing in a pail of milk when she saw him. Setting it down, she ran to him and threw her arms about him. He could not help but return the embrace.
“Nellie’s having a wee lie down. She tires easily lately. I worry about her,” said Mari. She picked up the milk pail, but Duncan took it from her and carried it into the cottage. As he set it down, Nellie sharply inhaled and then settled to sleep. Mari grasped Duncan’s hand and led him outside. “Let’s go for a walk. I want to hear everything that has happened to you.”
They walked holding hands through the grass and along a path into the trees. Mari laughed at something he said and her hand slipped away as she brushed hair away from her face. Duncan forced a smile, feeling its loss. When they came to a fallen log, they sat down. It was easy to talk, but he had no desire to entertain her with stories of the sea and port cities.
“What has happened?” he asked, suddenly serious.
Mari’s expression dissolved and her eyes filled with tears.
“So you’ve heard?”
“Not from you.”
“Aye, well, there is not much to tell, is there?” Mari glanced at him and then looked away, into the shadows of trees.
Duncan waited, content to be with her.
Mari said, “Callum’s father has claimed him as his own and taken him in. He never spoke of it much, but he longed for it deeply. Now he has a home, and a place he belongs.”
“And you by his side?”
Sad eye settled on his. “Not beside him, but not far away.” She could not hold his gaze. As she cast her eyes down, a tear dropped to her chest and soaked into the cloth.
Without thinking, he reached for the same strand of hair that the breezes kept blowing onto her face, and he brushed it back over her ear. He lifted his hand, nearly stroking her hair, but pulled back. Instead, he leaned his elbows on his thighs and clasped his hands while he stared at the ground.
Mari said, “He must marry a MacKenzie to bring peace to our clans. There is no proof of our marriage, so if no one disputes it, it does not exist.”
“But you exist. How can he do this to you?”
With limpid eyes, Mari met Duncan’s gaze. “Because I told him to.”
Duncan could not speak without telling her what he really thought, so he said nothing.
Mari looked straight ahead and spoke as though she were convincing herself more than Duncan. “It’s the right thing to do. All the fighting must stop, and this will end it.”
Duncan started to speak, but Mari went on. “If he stayed with me, there would only be more fighting and more people killed—perhaps Callum—or you.”
She turned to face him, and her sadness disarmed him. He disagreed, but he would not argue. To do so would change nothing. But he could not help but wonder how she would manage it. How could she watch Callum marry another, and live as another woman’s husband? How would she endure it? As strong as she was, such a burden could crush any spirit. She could not be alone, and she would not. This was something Duncan could do for her. He could be there for her to lean on, if she would have him. But now was not the time to talk of such things.
They emerged from the woods, and Duncan was suddenly self-conscious. “I had not thought how it might look for us walking alone. Some will say ‘tis not seemly.”
“Let them think what they will,” Mari said, having resigned herself to her fate. “Before all this is over, they’ll think worse of me, of that I am certain.”
There was little late afternoon light left when they arrived back at the cottage. Nellie was awake and beginning to prepare supper. Mari insisted on taking over so Nellie could rest.
“Duncan, you’ll stay?”
“If I know my mother, she’s preparing a feast for me. I could not disappoint her.”
Mari smiled. “Aye, well come back later, if you like.”
He gave a halfhearted smile.
“Please? It would be almost like our evenings in Edinburgh. Have you seen Charlie and Alex?”
“Not yet.”
“Well, perhaps I could send one of the boys to the castle to fetch them.”
When he hesitated, Mari said, “Good. Then I’ll see you after supper. Please?” She looked almost her old self as she gave him a pleading, and most charming, look.
“For you, darlin’.” He grinned, and they felt once more easy together.
A rap at the door broke their lingering gaze.
Mari opened the door to find a young lad. “This is for you, Mistress,” he said, holding out a small bundle.
“Why thank you. Who sent you with this?”
“Mr. MacDonell.”
“Callum?” she said, more to herself than to the boy.
“Aye, Mr. Callum MacDonell.”
Mari gave him some shortbread she’d made that morning. After he’d thanked her, he went running away.
Duncan watched the lad with a smile, recalling his own youth. When he looked back at Mari, the bundle was opened and Mari was still. Duncan closed the door. “Mari, what is it?”
She set down a small pouch full of coins. With false cheer, she said, “Well, I’d best get to supper.”
Duncan and Nellie exchanged looks while Mari pretended that nothing was wrong. He went over to her and gave her shoulders a squeeze. “I’ll be back later.”
*
After stopping at home to tell his mother he would be late for supper, Duncan strode up to the castle. Before he reached Callum, Alex and Charlie stopped him. They exchanged greetings, which Duncan cut short. Given the time he had been gone, it seemed odd.
When Charlie became distracted by a maid on an errand form the kitchen, Alex pulled Duncan aside. “What is it? You’ve a look in your eyes I’ve only seen before battle.”
“Aye, well I’ve been to see Mari.”
Alex nodded, now understanding.
“Callum just had a boy deliver a purse full of coins to Mari, as though she were—as if it were her wages.” He stopped and swallowed.
“Now, Duncan—”
“He’s broken her heart.”
“From what I understand, she broke his.” Alex gripped Duncan’s shoulder. “I’ve been here. It’s not nearly as simple as you seem to believe.”
“I’ll hear that from Callum.” He pushed past Alex, but Alex grabbed hold of his arms. “He’s about to sit down to supper.”
“With Seaforth and that woman?”
“Lady Aemilia,” Alex said with a nod. “Let’s talk after supper. After that, in the morning, you can talk to Callum.”
Duncan gritted his teeth and reluctantly nodded. “Och, I forgot. Mari asked me to invite you and Charlie to visit this evening.”
“Good. We can talk then.”
Duncan gave barely a nod before turning to leave. Alex gave Charlie a light slap on the head to draw his attention from the pretty young maid he was charming. Alex kept walking without looking back, while Charlie gave her his most charming grin and bounded off to catch up with Alex.
*
Callum took his place beside Aemilia for supper. The past few days had left her looking weary. Framed by flaming curls, her wan face appeared almost ghostly.
“Lady Aemilia, has the weather been to your liking?” asked Callum.
Her eyes darted back toward him with a startled expression. “I’m sorry?”
“Do you not think the weather has been sunny and fine?”
Lady Aemilia forced a weak smile. “Oh. Yes, I suppose it has.” Her eyes met his, and then flitted downward to her food, which she stared at, making no effort to eat.
Callum looked out at the great hall from his seat at the dais. Everyone looked in good spirits. He glanced over at Glengarry and Seaforth. Even they looked close to tolerating one another’s company. This wedding would make friends from foes. More importantly, it would save lives. And although it would cost him his own, or the life he had wanted, it would serve a greater good. He reminded himself of this often, otherwise he could not go forward with this. This was his duty, to his clan and its people.
And right now that duty would be served by making conversation with his betrothed. After all, this was no more her fault than his. “Have you been outside for a walk or a ride?”
Lady Aemilia glanced toward him, barely meeting his eyes. “Aye.”
“And how did you find it?”
“Woods, a loch, and steep hills. I have seen these before.” While she did not speak with impatience, her gentle tone did not hide her disinterest.
Callum arched an eyebrow. “I see.” He looked away to hide the smirk he could barely control.
She turned her head to face him directly for the first time this evening. Callum was once more struck by her fragile beauty, more vivid perhaps because this was the first time she had looked into his eyes. She was lovely, to be sure. But in this moment she gave him an unshielded view of her sadness in all of its depth. Her voice was quiet and smooth. “I have ridden through woods and trod down the rough path to the water. My toes have been wetted. I h
ave sat in the solar and pulled needles through cloth, a task I confess I do loathe. And I have discussed every possible aspect of the weather, from sunrise to sunset, since I have been here. I feel that I now have a full measure of life here. While I cannot fully express how I feel about it, I feel certain you can imagine, for you feel no more affection for me than I do for you.”
This was more than she had spoken to him since they had met. He was not quite prepared to respond.
“Lady Aemilia—”
“Please, sir. It would be better if we did not pretend.”
He could not quite decide between offense, annoyance or sympathy. “I have offered no pretense. I, too, agree it is good to be honest. Although supper may not be the best place or time, while we are in full view of our clansmen.” He took in the glances and whispers that spread down the tables below.
She said, “I am sorry. From what I can tell, you are a kind man. But I cannot live day after day lying to one another. Our marriage will be lie enough.”
Callum leaned back and studied her, and she knew it.
She would not meet his eyes. “I ken that I’ve been blunt.”
Callum smiled wryly. “Well, if we’re to be honest, you have.”
She peered into his eyes. “You seem like a good man, but I shall never love you.”
Callum stared blankly at her. “I shall keep that in mind.”
“Sir, I am feeling unwell. Please excuse me.”
She rose and left, stopping long enough to make her apologies to her host, and then to her brother.
As she walked away, Callum almost wanted to smile. In some ways, he could not blame her. She knew her mind and her heart, and was honest with a startling frankness. However, she ignored what was best for her people. She was selfish. He could not admire that.
*
Duncan, Alex, and Charlie sat around Nellie’s fireplace with Mari. Having arrived after supper, they had talked through the evening. Nellie nodded off in her chair while soft voices peppered the silence that settles at the end of an evening. The fire drew Mari to stare and remember. The happy memories had become sad reminders of what she would lose after Callum was married. In passing, Duncan’s hand settled on Mari’s shoulder for a moment, and then he sat down. Mari barely lifted her chin to acknowledge him there.