“Fine,” I said, caving. “I’ll do it.”
The Grannies let out a whoop.
“But how are you going to get him to go out with me?”
“Already taken care of,” Grandma said, walking over to the kitchen counter and rummaging through her purse. “I called him and told him you’re new in town and would like to meet some new people. He was happy to take you out for the evening.”
“You set this up before I even said yes?” I asked, not nearly as shocked as I tried to sound.
“Well, we try to be prepared for everything.” Grandma smiled.
“What was your plan if I said no?”
The Grannies looked at each other. There was no plan.
“Here.” Grandma handed me a tube of lipstick she just pulled out of her purse. “I bought you this for the occasion! It will go perfectly with the outfit we picked out for you.”
I flipped the tube over and read the name of the color. Crimson Tramp. I could only imagine what my outfit looked like.
That evening, I stood in front of the mirror and barely recognized the person looking back. My curly hair had been straightened and laid in long layers nearly down to my elbow. The short black dress that Grandma had given me hugged my body and the long, tight sleeves made my arms look thin and toned. But it was the shoes that were my favorite part of the outfit—black wedges that crisscrossed up my ankle. My makeup—subtle smoky eyes, a hint of bronzer, and some carefully placed highlighter—were topped off with my Crimson Tramp lips.
When Grandma Dean and I walked into the kitchen, the other Grannies’ jaws dropped.
“Oh my stars!” Greta exclaimed. “You look like a model!”
“Or a movie star,” Virginia added in shock.
I had to admit, I looked pretty darn good.
“Okay,” Grandma said, giving me her keys. “Remember the plan—you’re going to meet him at the Cobbler’s Tea Room in thirty minutes. The girls and I are going to head to his house and wait for him to leave. As soon as he’s gone, we’ll sneak in and head to his office downstairs.”
“Why can’t he have an office in some building downtown like everyone else around here?” Hattie complained.
“I have no idea,” Grandma said sharply. “You can ask him that next time you see him.”
“Okay, ladies, are we ready?”
The Grannies filed out and I took a deep breath. It was showtime.
I pulled up in front of the Cobbler’s Tea Room and my stomach was doing flip-flops. I kept giving myself the same pep talk over and over. “You can do this, Nikki. You are brave, you are strong, you are beautiful.” Unfortunately, I didn’t believe any of it at that moment.
What would Grandma Dean do in this situation? I asked myself. She would get out of the car, march herself up to the restaurant, and charm the pants off Larry Kramer. Wait, poor choice of words. I needed to make sure Larry Kramer’s pants stayed on.
Just as I was about to get out of the car, I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize.
Hey it’s Larry. Change of plans. Meet me at my house. 1862 Thornberry Heights. Come in the back gate.
Crap. This was not good. I quickly called Grandma Dean and told her the news. There was some chatter on the other end while they discussed what to do.
“Okay, just do it. He has a huge house, just try to keep him toward the back of it. Text me if something goes wrong.”
I hung up and drove to his house with a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hadn’t even met the guy yet and already things were going wrong.
I found his street and pulled around to the back. Grandma Dean wasn’t joking when she said he had a huge house. But I guessed that was to be expected on a street lined with houses that were the same size as elementary schools.
The gate was unlocked so I opened it and walked in. It was evening, but the yard was fairly well lit. I walked through the grass and up to the pool area. I stood on the sidewalk that wrapped around the pool and looked up at his house. Every light was on and you could see right in. I looked around to see if his neighbors could see into his house as well, but it seemed that his house was fairly well hidden by trees.
“Hey there. You must be Nikki.” A man’s voice made me jump back and I almost lost my balance thanks to my high wedges.
I looked around to see where the voice came from.
“Down here,” he said.
I looked down and could see his head and shoulders sticking out of the pool. I took another step back, unsure what was happening.
“Feel like going for a swim?”
“Um, no thank you,” I said, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.
Larry laughed. “I’ll come out then.”
He grabbed onto the ladder a few feet away and climbed out. I gasped. He looked like a barely younger, and less fit, version of his father—clear down to the speedo.
Larry ran his hand through his wet, black hair and arched his back like he thought he was being sexy. Water trickled down his shoulders, through his thick, dark chest hair and over his extended belly. Suddenly, I saw something move and as much as I tried to avert my eyes, I couldn’t help but see a clump of lint wash out of his belly button.
“Do you like what you see?” he asked.
“Um, yes, your pool is amazing. It’s like…Olympic size and everything.”
He laughed and reached over to take my hand. “I’m Larry Kramer and you must be Nikki.” He kissed my hand and when his lips lingered far too long, I pulled it away. He smiled. “Playing hard to get, I see. I like that.” He winked at me then looked me up and down. “I have to say, I’m pleasantly surprised. You’re not at all what I thought you’d look like.”
“Oh?” I asked, a little offended. “And what did you expect?”
“Well,” he laughed, “for someone whose nickname is Poodles, well, I just thought you’d be a little fluffier.”
I wasn’t sure if he meant my hair or my body, but either way, I didn’t like it. Wait a minute! The only person who had called me Poodles was Artie!
“Would you like to go inside?” he asked. “I think we’ll be more comfortable in there.”
“No,” I objected a little too forcefully. His eyes got big and he was clearly surprised. I tried to dial it back a little. “It’s just…so beautiful out here…so romantic.” I nearly threw up.
He smiled. “It is, isn’t it? Under the stars, with a gentle breeze. It’s a night for lovers.”
Keep it together, keep it together, I kept telling myself. I was doing this to keep Grandma safe, but who was going to keep me safe?
“Let’s sit here for a while and you can tell me all about yourself.” I motioned to the patio furniture that sat to our left.
Those were like magic words to him. He sat down and immediately started to gloat about his money and his business and all the material possessions he owned. I quickly texted Grandma Dean.
Hurry it up! I can’t take much more of this! We’re in the back by the pool. Don’t know how long I can keep him out here.
She didn’t respond and I started to feel antsy. Then something caught my eye. Thankfully, I was the one facing the house and not Larry, because the Grannies could be seen cavorting in the kitchen! I tried not to stare and bring attention to them, but I couldn’t help but squint a little to make out what they were doing. Were they drinking? Yes! Hattie had a wine glass in her hand! How could they do this to me? I was out here with this creep and they were in his house drinking his wine and having a good ole time!
“What are you lookin’ at, darlin’?” Larry asked and he started to turn around.
I panicked. If he turned around, he would see what I could see!
I grabbed him and kissed him on the lips. I fought back my repulsion and counted to five then tried to pull away. But he had other plans. He pulled me closer and I felt his tongue fight his way into my mouth. Once inside, it sat there like a dead slug. He made some weird humming noise and moved his head from side to side. This man d
id not know how to kiss. I looked past him and saw that the Grannies were no longer visible. I pulled away, using my hands against his chest as leverage. My hands disappeared into his chest hair and I quickly pulled them away.
Larry still had a strong hold on my upper arms and was smiling from ear to ear.
“Wow,” he said. “Did you feel that spark? Because I definitely felt a spark. How about you and me go inside and turn that into a fire?”
“Actually,” I said, wiggling free of his arms and standing up. “I suddenly don’t feel very well. I think it was something I ate.”
He stood up next to me, not convinced.
“Or maybe it’s lady problems,” I threw in. If that didn’t work, I was not beneath telling him I had diarrhea…or herpes. Whatever it took to get out of there. Thankfully, that did the trick.
He grimaced. “Oh, well, call me in a few days and we’ll try this again.” He tried to come in for another kiss, but I managed to back away just in time.
“You have a lovely home,” I shouted over my shoulder as I practically ran through his backyard. “Have a good night!”
Once I was safely on the other side of the gate, I sent Grandma a text and told her I was out and she better be too. She texted back that they had just gotten in the car and were driving away and to meet her at home.
I shuddered and looked in the mirror. My lipstick was smeared across my face. I opened Grandma’s glove compartment and pulled out a package of wet wipes and ran one along my lips. Then I opened my purse and grabbed the tube of lipstick Grandma bought me and tossed it out the window. No more Crimson Tramp for me.
8
When I pulled onto the street for the Golden Acres Retirement Community, my heart dropped. Red lights flashed up ahead. That was never a good sign, especially at a place like this. But as I got closer, I noticed there wasn’t just an ambulance but several police cars. Virginia pulled in behind me and Grandma and her friends jumped out of the SUV.
“Oh, no,” Greta whispered with her hand over her mouth. “What do you think happened?”
We scanned the crowd for someone we could ask. Suddenly, Grandma spotted Wanda Turnbough. “Wanda!” she yelled, motioning for her.
Wanda walked over and even in the dark, we could tell she was white as a sheet.
“What happened?” we all asked at once.
“Someone shot at Stan through his window.” She was shaking and holding back tears.
“Oh my gosh!” Hattie cried. “Is he okay?”
“The bullet missed him, thankfully. But shards of glass flew everywhere and his arm is cut up pretty bad. And I think the poor guy about had a heart attack.”
The ambulance turned on its sirens and sped out of the parking lot, leaving us all silent as we watched it leave.
“Are there any witnesses?” Grandma asked
Wanda shrugged. “I don’t know. I know the police are questioning people, but honestly, I don’t think anyone would’ve seen it. It’s eight-thirty. No one is out that late.”
Then Wanda eyed the Grannies and she let out a noise that stated her irritation. “Humph, I see you all were out, doing God knows what, while our poor Stan was nearly shot dead!”
Wanda and Grandma used to be friends, from what Lloyd had told me a few weeks ago. But when Wanda was denied admittance into the Glock Grannies, she was not happy about it. Lloyd said it was because Grandma didn’t want anyone in the group younger than she was and, even though I never questioned her about it, I assumed it was true. That sounded exactly like something Grandma Dean would do. Apparently, Wanda was still holding a grudge.
“Maybe I’ll just start looking into this myself,” Wanda said with a huff. “I could probably do a better job than all of you!”
With that, she turned and stormed away.
“Well, someone has a bee up her…”
“Hattie!” Irene scolded. “Do you kiss your grandkids with that mouth?”
“What? I was going to say bonnet!” Hattie looked at me and whispered, “I wasn’t actually going to say bonnet.” She winked a sly little wink.
Grandma sighed. “Let’s go see if we can get some more information from someone a little less irritable.”
I stood there in the dark with the police lights flittering in the air and watched the Grannies wave down Lloyd. I decided to stay behind. I didn’t want to be anywhere near another member of the Kramer family.
“Wow! Look at you!” a man’s voice said, making me jump about five feet. “A little jumpy tonight?” he laughed.
It was Detective Owen. He walked up to me and casually put his hands in the pockets of his khakis. He seemed a bit too cocky for my liking.
“Well,” I said defensively, “someone was shot here tonight. That can put a person on edge.”
He gave a little nod like he agreed, then looked me up and down. “So, where have you been tonight?”
I sighed. “I’d rather not say.”
Detective Owen became serious for a minute. “Nikki, I don’t exactly know what your Grandma and her gang are up to, but I need you to convince them to stay out of this.”
“Yeah, right,” I laughed. “Like I could convince her to not do something. That woman’s mind is not easily changed.”
“I know it’s not…” He paused and looked me in the eyes. “Whoever we’re dealing with here is extremely dangerous and I don’t want you getting hurt.”
The way he looked at me made my stomach do a little flip.
“I’ll talk with her. But I can’t guarantee anything.”
“Good girl,” he said, slapping me on the shoulder and walking away.
I narrowed my eyes at the back of his head. Good girl? Like I was some child…or a dog? That guy really annoyed me.
Before I had a chance to act on the heinous thoughts in my head, Grandma Dean came up and pulled my arm. “Come on, we’re heading inside to talk about what we found tonight.”
I let my own murderous thoughts go and followed Grandma and the other Grannies into the house. I knew there was no way I could discourage them from looking for Artie’s murderer. And, knowing Owen was against it, just made me want to help them even more.
“So,” Grandma said, sitting at the head of the table. “What did you find out tonight, Nikki? Anything useful?”
My mouth flew open in surprise. “What? I wasn’t supposed to find anything out! You were! My job was to distract Larry and your job was to do the snooping!”
“Well,” Irene said with a huff, “a good undercover agent would’ve done both.”
The Grannies all gave me a look like I had just stolen the last cookie from the cookie jar.
“That’s okay,” Grandma Dean said, patting the back of my hand. “It was your first time. You’ll know better next time.”
I sunk down in my chair feeling defeated.
They sat there quietly and didn’t say anything. “Well, what did you find?” I finally asked, hoping to get the conversation started.
They looked at each other for a moment. “Not much,” Grandma said, looking defeated herself.
Now we all sunk down in our chairs. This night was a total waste.
“Wait a minute,” I said, sitting up straight. “So, what were you guys doing in Larry’s kitchen tonight? Drinking and having a good time while I was out having the most miserable night of my life!”
Irene laughed. “No, we were covering our tracks.”
“Any time we break in somewhere to do a little snooping, we always seem to accidentally leave something behind or some evidence that we were there—no matter how careful we try to be!” Greta explained. “So, we decided this time to just play that up. We made it look like we were one of Larry’s ladies who snuck in for a little rendezvous and since she didn’t see him, she left him a few gifts.”
The Grannies laughed and I felt my blood go cold. “What kind of gifts?”
“Well, since I have the plumpest lips of the group, I got to be the one who left the lipstick mark on the wine glass.” Hat
tie sat up proudly and stuck her lips out. The other Grannies rolled their eyes.
“What else did you do?” I asked, knowing that couldn’t have just been the end of it.
“We put a bra from Victoria’s Secret on his kitchen table!” Irene said with a laugh. “Right next to the wine glass! It’s going to be eating him up for days trying to figure out who left it!”
“We bought a double-D just for fun! Really make him think!”
“You bought an expensive bra just to leave it there?” I asked.
“Well,” Hattie spoke up. “We looked through your underwear drawer, but there was no way we were going to leave those rags in his house. We wanted to make him think someone was there to seduce him, not dust his end tables.”
“You went through my drawer?” I turned to Grandma. “How you could you let them do that?”
“I told them they wouldn’t find anything usable in there,” she said defensively.
“That’s not the point!” I practically shouted.
“Oh, calm down,” Irene said. “It was a good thing we did. We all decided to take you out bra shopping. Won’t that be fun?”
Oh yes. Lots.
“They had so many cute ones, Nikki.” Greta was all smiles. “I’m sure you’ll find some you like! And you can get matching underwear! It will be a little thank you from us for having to go out with Larry tonight.”
I sighed. It sounded like it was already decided then. And once the Grannies decided something, there was no going back.
“Well, thank you. I probably could use a few new ones.”
“I really liked that store,” Hattie said after taking a sip of her tea. “But I have no idea why it’s called Victoria’s Secret. Let me tell you, after seeing those large posters in there, I can tell you that nothing is a secret anymore!”
Irene shook her head. “And that lady that worked in there! How much do you think her boobs cost? Those were clearly not God-given! She must have spent a small fortune on them!”
“I bet you my boobs cost more than hers,” Greta said with a gentle laugh.
Our mouths dropped in shock. “You’ve had your boobs done?” Virginia asked.
Glock Grannies Cozy Mystery Boxed Set: Books 1 - 3 Page 15