Maria was a godsend to me that night because she gave me a sound talking to that really opened my eyes, the ones that had been closed all of that time…the eyes to my heart.
Eventually we rejoined the guests inside the house and my sister followed her boyfriend into my father’s den to watch a boxing match with just about everyone else. Michael, of course, hadn’t moved from the dining room table. He was still waiting for me.
“I bet I know what you and Maria were discussing out there… and I can just about imagine what conclusion was drawn. It’s actually making me feel ill and drained…because I’ve been holding this sense of foreboding at bay for as long as we’ve been together, if we’ve ever really been together.”
I didn’t offer any comment. I listened to Michael pour out his heart and say some things to me that—a few hours earlier— probably would have made me cry. But at that point, all my tears had been transformed into laughter. So instead of unshed tears in my heart for the possibility of pain, I had reams of laughter spilling over into every fiber of my being. It’s not that I wasn’t feeling Michael’s pain. It’s just that I was really overwhelmed by my happiness.
“Of course we’ve been together. I’m just realizing something tonight that has unbound me from…”
“Please don’t say it. I know what you’re getting ready to do, but I don’t want you to say any more words. I hoped that I could trick fate into becoming what I wanted it to be but fate is what it is. I told you when you came back from New York to announce your engagement to Humphrey, that I’m selfish when it comes to you. I want you all to myself, but I can’t be stingy to you anymore, baby. I have to let you have what you need. I love you too much to see uncertainty in your eyes another day and realize that I helped to put it there.”
We didn’t cry when we embraced and this time, there was a sense of closure. We didn’t leave anything hanging out there unfinished. We knew that there would always be love between us, but we’d tested waters that weren’t meant to be tread by us and our valiant efforts were too weak to withstand the tough current. “Don’t worry about my father,” he offered. “ I’ll tell him something that will keep him from interrogating you. And don’t feel uncomfortable working at the offi ce either. I’ll be busy on the campaign for the next six to eight weeks so we probably won’t run into each other there. …I want you to be alright.”
“I’ll be alright, as long as I know you don’t hate me.”
“That something that’ll never happen but I’m sorry…this time I can’t make you feel good about your decision. You’ve made your choice and I don’t like it. But I’ll be ok.”
My mother entered the dining room and I could see her taking note of the scene: Michael’s stance, with his hands shoved in his pockets, his shoulders taut and straight. My facial expression, as I fought between owning my joy and regretting hurting him.
“Everything okay in here?” “Everything is fine, Mrs. Browne.”
“No, Ms. Joyce?”
“I’m sorry, I’m just a little tired. I’m getting ready to leave.” “When will we see you again.”
“I’m not sure.”
We both stood silently, as he pushed his chair under the table and zipped his jacket as he walked toward the door. Her eyes questioned me as she stared me down but I offered nothing. When we heard the door close, I walked off to join the rest of the family and she remained standing at the table.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Love proved to me once again that it was all-elusive when being sought. I had been inquiring about Humphrey and there was no sign of him anywhere. In the day before he changed my life, the love I sought had no face, no name and no touch. I was always looking for something that had not been defined. Now that I finally owned my feelings for Humphrey— all of my senses were enhanced. I knew what love looked like, sounded like and felt like. I thought that once I reached that place of wanting and knew what would satiate that desire, my life would be a fairy tale. But love and its infinite mysteries continued to evade me.
Where in the World is Humphrey Pearson? became a quiz show in my mind, as I backtracked and replayed every moment we had spent together, searching for clues of his possible whereabouts. I wondered if he knew that he was doing to me what Madonna had done to him—without leaving a note.
Inez Pearson had become the ally in my search for him because she wanted to find him too. She heard from him sporadically with vague details of his whereabouts. But he did have Pia with him, at least he let her know that. We talked on the phone nearly every night to comfort each other, to speculate and to test our theories on each other about where Humphrey and Pia could possibly be. They weren’t in Jamaica. Inez had called after the first two weeks and had people on the lookout for them. She had cousins who worked in the resorts down there and other friends and relatives in the parishes Humphrey would be familiar with. She even swallowed her pride and contacted Tony’s family in St. Ann to inquire about his possible visit. She told me that contact had cost money and would continue to, as long as she required regular updates. She wasn’t bothered by the monetary charge for the information. She only said, “Not a damn ‘ting in Jamaica is free, dahlin’…and love is what cost you the most…remember that.” The only way he could be there was if he was paying somebody down there more money to keep quiet. When his mother told me that, I no longer considered the reports from Jamaica to be reliable.
Trey assured me he wasn’t in New York. He and I both knew Humphrey enjoyed a way of life to which he had become accustomed in New York and he wouldn’t be willing to abandon: the fine dining, the art shows, the designer shops and the VIP invitations. “No,” Trey had said. “There’s no way he’s still here and nobody’s seen him—not for this long. He would have surfaced by now.”
I was truly disheartened. Here, I had this man practically begging me for another chance and professing his undying love for me, all the while making my heart beat at hyper speed and I had the poor judgment to push him away…to tell him that I had chosen someone else. Then I had the nerve to suddenly realize I couldn’t live without him and proceed to scour the Earth for his existence. If he’d thought he was confused about what was happening in his life then I must have been seriously perplexed. He wasn’t giving me the opportunity to ask for another chance, so I turned to the Lord. I prayed constantly for His guidance in searching for Humphrey and asked for his safe return back to me.
His mother called me with an idea that drew from the pain of the past and made perfect sense.
“I think Humphrey’s gone to look for his father,” she said soberly. She was sure of it. I could hear the conviction in her voice. “It makes perfect sense that he would do that,” she explained. “All of his life, Humphrey has looked to his father for the answers to all of his puzzling dilemmas. I’m afraid that he won’t find the problem-solver he’s always known Tony to be. He might find more questions than answers; questions that could never be answered.”
“Miss Inez, Humphrey wouldn’t go to his father. He said he was dead to him.”
“No child. He’s not dead—not physically anyway, but he killed himself a long time ago with money, drugs, and fast women.”
“He talks about him in the past tense.”
“Tony Pearson is one of the world’s premiere artists of the 1970’s; he’s a genius. He influenced the careers of people like Basquiat and Haring. He’s Humphrey’s only idol in the entire world. He dreamed of being an artist like his father one day, but Tony was always tearing him down, telling him he was no good. Eventually, he gave up that dream and it broke my heart. He’s always trying to live a life that would get his father’s approval.”
I’d never heard of his father, until they’d told me about him and wondered if his significance to the art world was based on his mother’s personal opinion. She seemed to have a certain reverence for him that would justify putting him on such a high pedestal. “I need to find him, Miss Inez. I won’t be complete until I do. I know that if we get together, we both
will finally have true happiness in our lives.” Tears filled my eyes while I made my appeal. She had access to more information than she let on; I could tell. I just had to let her know how much her son meant to me. “Please help me find him.”
“If I didn’t believe that you were right for my boy, I wouldn’t get involved. It’s going to take a moment or two, but I’ll help you, sweetheart. Be patient.”
“I promise you, Miss Inez, your efforts will not be lost on me.”
Basically, I was alone again with a workload that would be harder than I anticipated. Planning weddings was a real challenge during those lonely times. It didn’t help that Michael sometimes came into the office to check his mail and to get an update on regular operations. His presence only reminded me of what was sacrificed in the name of love. It’s not like I was getting any encouragement from Mrs. Pearson. I hadn’t heard from her in a few weeks and the last time I’d spoken with her, she’d rushed me off the phone saying she would call if she got any information. I was discouraged. I was lonely and I was missing Humphrey so badly I ended almost every night with tears on my pillow.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Election time had finally come around and Michael had asked me to help out at the campaign office. I didn’t hesitate to come to Mr. Wes’s assistance. All I had to do was hand out election information and promotional ads on Mr. Wes and his colleagues. Sometimes, I was at his office late, stuffing envelopes for mass mailings and helping to plan last minute parties. As the election itself grew closer, I joined other people from his camp in the mornings, during rush hour when we would stand at busy intersections with campaign posters and signs, waving at commuters. I was finding out first-hand that election work was hard and I was only doing a fraction of what Michael and others had been doing for months. However, I was glad for the distraction that the busyness brought into my daily life.
For once, I didn’t have to mope around my apartment wondering when I would find happiness. I needed to get some feedback from Humphrey on all the feelers I had been sending out to him. I only prayed that it wasn’t for naught. In the meantime, I had the business of politics to keep me occupied—something that I’d never been crazy about, but that I now looked forward to every day. Anything would do to keep my mind off my pitiful love life.
It hurt so badly that whenever I reflected on how beautiful the love was I lost, all I remembered was the pain. I hadn’t wanted that. When I finally took the chance on a relationship, I hoped that if I lost that love it would be more like going through childbirth. A woman could look back on the experience, reflect on the pain, but not really think of anything more than the intense love she had for her child. I wanted to think of Humphrey that way. I wanted us both to forget the pain and fi our way back to the love we shared, to that creation we’d given birth to.
I couldn’t want it for both of us. He had to want it, too. I had to accept the possibility that he didn’t want me anymore. I’d assumed he would be glad to hear that I’d come to my senses, then welcome me back with open arms. Maybe that was just my dream. Maybe the reality was, he was tired of being pushed away and decided to keep going as far away as he could. I had to accept that.
Within the confines of that possibility, I reverted back to what I knew best before him—being alone. I don’t think anyone had perfected it as well as I had, in those days. Now with my own haven, created from my necessities and decorating whims, I could learn to lose myself in serenity…practice yoga or reacquaint myself with writing poetry, Feng shui the apartment, or learn to crochet.
Before, when I didn’t have anything else to compare loneliness to, I let helpless maidens in storybooks define what I wanted real love to look like. I made myself comfortable dwelling on unlikely prospects. But then Humphrey came into my life and debunked every stereotype I had. I’d been introduced to all of the elements of love through him and they’d left an indelible mark on my soul. It wouldn’t be easy to go on without him, but there was no use in dwelling in a love he helped to create without him in it.
My phone and doorbell both rang at once. I was in my sunroom cum yoga studio in a downward dog asana, the last five minutes of an hour-long session. Usually, I’d turn all the phones off, but I missed the one in the living room. And even if I hadn’t, the doorbell was ringing insistently. I didn’t know which to answer first.
I picked up the phone on the way to the intercom. “Yeah.” I was annoyed and I’m sure it was discernible.
“Zoë, that you?” It was Miss Inez’s husky voice, lilting into an upswing on the question mark.
“Oh. Hi, Miss Inez. It’s me.”
“Good…I found him sweetheart…I found Humphrey.”
My stomach caught her news like a catcher’s mitt. “Where is he?”
The doorbell rang again, telling me it wouldn’t be ignored, but it had to wait just a little bit longer.
“He’s here.” “Here where?” “In Washington.” “All this time?”
“No. But right now he is. Do you want to see him?” “Does he want to see me?”
The doorbell rang another time, pulling me away from an answer that I wasn’t sure I was ready for.
“Miss Inez. Please hold on a minute. There’s someone at my door.”
“What?” I didn’t mean to shout into the intercom, but my nerves were frayed suddenly on edge.
“Open the door. It’s Phillip and Patrice. You got somebody up there?”
“No. Come on up.” I buzzed them into my building thinking ‘Damn. They’re here again already.’ I unlocked my front door, then took the phone into my bedroom.
“Does he want to see me?” I asked Miss Inez again, as I sat on the side of the bed.
“You never answered my question,” she insisted. “I know you’ve been waiting a long time and I just want to know if you still want to see Humphrey.”
“Yes. I do.”
“Then hold on dahlin’, you will see him soon.” She hung up before I could ask any more questions or make any comments.
He was right. He had a strange family, I thought when I put the phone back on its base.
“What are you doing back there, girl?” It was Phillip’s voice getting louder as he drew nearer to my room. “You decent?” he asked.
I came out before he could come in and was greeted with a beautiful surprise. Patrice was sitting on my sofa holding Pia in her lap. They both looked so natural together. Phillip was radiant with happiness. It didn’t seem real.
“How did this happen?” I asked.
When I spoke, Pia looked in my direction and her eyes brightened with recognition. I held my arms out for her to come to me and she climbed down from Patrice’s lap and walked into my arms.
“Well,” Phillip said. “We looked everywhere in New York for Humphrey and finally came across Trey DeWitt who told us that he was in England. I was already in the process of arranging a trip overseas when I got a call from Humphrey himself.”
“Yeah right. You mean to tell me Humphrey called you?”
It was unbelievable but true. He had called Phillip and the two of them arranged to meet civilly. They both showed their true mettle when they put their differences aside and did the right thing.
Together they had accomplished a lot. They agreed to let Phillip and Patrice raise his daughter as long as he didn’t alienate her from the other side of her family. Phillip said that Humphrey realized her place was with her father, no matter what the differences were and he wanted to make things right. Phillip was even considering relocating to Baltimore since the house still hadn’t sold.
“Did he ask about me?” I really wanted to know if there was any interest. Mrs. Pearson had been too strange with her riddles and suspense.
“Now, I’m surprised that it matters,” Phillip said.
“I’m surprised you didn’t think it would,” said his wife. “Can you see through me that clearly?” I asked.
“Yeah, girl,” she answered. “I know you’re happy for our new family, but I can tell by
the look in your eye that you were expecting other developments from our reconciliation.”
“Are you sure he didn’t even mention my name?” I looked back and forth between the two of them.
Phillip said, “Nobody said he didn’t mention your name. You wanted to know if he asked for you and the answer is no.”
I couldn’t mask the disappointment I felt deep inside and I didn’t want pity, so I hid my feelings in the affection I showered on my niece. I couldn’t imagine Humphrey bowing out of the picture willingly, but if he’d given his word that he wouldn’t interfere with her upbringing, he meant it.
“As a matter of fact,” Phillip butt into my thoughts with what I expected to be patronizing verbiage. “He did nothing but talk about you all the way down the turnpike. I had to remind him that he didn’t need to tell me every little thing about you; I’ve known you all my life. I could probably tell him a few things…”
“Who’s in D.C., Phillip?” I got no answer. “Phillip?”
A smile was passed between him and Patrice.
Patrice pulled my front door open to reveal the sweetest sight I’d ever seen.
I felt a pull on my heart and it swelled so that it filled up twice the space in my chest. He was a Savoy magazine cover come to life: chocolate and fascinating with élan. …smaller than I’d remembered, but then he couldn’t be a ten-foot superhero in real life; although, he did have a super-sized hold on my heart. He was the man of my dreams, but best of all he was my man. His presence told me that. I felt butterflies in my stomach and I couldn’t get past his smile, yet I wanted to take in every inch of him.
He filled the open doorway like he owned the place. His regal bearing suggesting he was the king of everything in his path: the moment, the setting, the mood…my heart. He did indeed preside over that and in that moment, which he ruled, I wanted to submit to his will. His submission to mine had led us to nothing but time apart and a step backward.
Sometimes Love Page 23