by Natalie Ward
“I wanted to be everything to you, Mia,” he says, his head falling back against the wall again. “I wanted to be your everything, including someone for you to talk to.”
I smile at him, but it’s not a real smile, it’s sadness and regret and loneliness, all wrapped up in something that’s supposed to look like a smile. “You were my everything,” I say quietly.
“But I wasn’t quite enough, was I,” he says, running his hand through his hair. “I wasn’t ever quite enough for you.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, my hand sliding closer in the hope that he reaches for it again.
“You never wanted to talk about it, about any of the stuff that happened to you back then, about any of the things that were going through your head. Any of the things that you’re telling me now.”
“I couldn’t,” I say, my fingers gripping the duvet.
Jared runs his hand through his hair again; it’s practically dry now. “Why Mia? Why couldn’t you ever tell me these things?”
I suck in a quick breath. “I don’t know,” I say sadly. “I didn’t know how to, I was afraid, I wanted to pretend none of it existed, didn’t want to disappoint you. I just don’t know…”
Jared stares at me, his blue eyes boring into mine as though he’s searching for something, anything. I stare back, wanting him to find it, wanting him to see the truth in what I am telling him.
“And now?” he asks.
“Now?” I respond.
“What do you want now?”
“So many things, Jared…” I say, knowing it all really boils down to just one thing.
Jared scoots a tiny bit closer to me, his hand finally touching mine as his fingers move closer. My eyes close as I savour his touch.
“Baby,” he whispers, my heart skipping a beat as he calls me that again for the first time since it all went so bad. “You deserve everything, everything you could ever want.”
Everything inside of me melts. At the words he says, at his touch against my skin, at his hand in mine. I would do anything, give anything, just to be able to roll over and kiss him right now. Just to melt right into his arms, his body, his touch and completely lose myself in him like I once did.
“There’s only one thing I ever really wanted Jared,” I finally tell him, my heart racing.
“What?”
“You.”
Jared opens his mouth to say something, but he doesn’t. I’m sure he’s going to ask me how only wanting him could possibly be true when I seemed so happy to push him away.
I watch as he turns away now. Sliding further under the covers as he stares up at the ceiling and doesn’t say anything. I wonder what’s going on inside his head, what he could possibly think of me. I don’t think I’ve made myself very clear at all.
I’m about to ask him, when Jared suddenly yawns and I immediately glance at the clock radio beside his bed.
“Shit, it’s really late,” I say. “I should let you sleep.”
Jared is shaking his head before I even finish my sentence. “No, I’m fine. Besides, I want to hear this Mia, I need to hear it.”
I nod at him, knowing there’s no chance of me sleeping anytime soon anyway. “What time do you need to be at practice tomorrow?” I ask.
“We’re supposed to do a quick one at four, but I’m not sure if it’s happening. We might just do something before the show.”
“Really, why’s that?” I ask him.
Jared gestures towards the door. “Luke, he’s getting another tatt, isn’t sure how long it will take.”
I glance at the door, even though I know Luke isn’t standing there. “Tomorrow? Why’s he getting it done tomorrow?”
“Ash’s birthday the following day,” Jared says, his eyes closing for a moment. He looks like he can barely stay awake right now and a part of me feels so bad for doing this to him tonight. He needs to sleep, especially in light of the big show tomorrow. The last thing he needs is me, dumping all of my shit on him.
“Oh,” I finally say, knowing this must mean he’s getting a tattoo for her. I wonder where, and what it will be. I wonder if she’s finally managed to say those words out loud to him tonight. I imagine if she has, that will make the whole thing even more special, not that it’s necessary between those two. You’d have to be completely blind to see they weren’t head over heels in love with each other. I don’t think it would matter if Ash never told my brother how she felt about him, he must already know, we all do.
“Ash is supposedly telling him she loves him tonight.”
Jared laughs a little, his eyes slowly closing again, before he forces them to open. I really should let him sleep. “Like he doesn’t already know,” he eventually says. “Everyone fucking knows.”
“Yeah I know,” I say. “But it’s a big thing to actually say it out loud, isn’t it?”
Jared turns on the pillow so he is half lying on his side, looking up at the stars. Our hands are still joined and I don’t dare move in case he notices and pulls his away.
“Yeah,” he whispers. “It is.”
It makes me think back to when I finally admitted how I felt about Jared.
I couldn’t even do that part right, the I love you. It’s fucking laughable really, what I was saying to Ash tonight. Tell him, you have to tell him, everyone knows, even he knows. What a joke, when I couldn’t even say it first to Jared. I took the easy route, a cop out definitely.
But in the end, it didn’t stop him from saying it back and when he did, then we both found our voices.
Two years ago – Jared
Mia and I have been out of the closest so to speak, for nearly a year now and it’s been nothing short of amazing. We are heading to my folks for Christmas today, the two of us and Luke. My Mom can’t fucking wait because naturally she adores Mia. What can I say though, so do I.
“Come on!” I yell at both of them. “Let’s fucking go already!”
I can hear Mia laughing as she walks out the door. “Alright, alright, geez keep your pants on Jared.”
I smile at her in a way that says; actually baby, I’d really like to take you somewhere private and get these pants off. The wink I get in return tells me she is thinking the exact same thing and because of that, I just can’t help myself when I grab her wrist and quickly pull her around to my side of the car we’ve rented.
“Jared, what are you doing?” she whispers breathlessly as I press her up against the driver’s door.
With my body pinning her in, I answer, “Temporarily putting myself out of my misery,” before kissing her hard on the mouth. I feel her gasp when my lips press against hers, but I don’t stop. Pushing my hips against her, I smile when I feel her hands grab my waist, her fingers digging into my sides and pulling me even closer. I can feel her grip even through the thickness of the jacket I’m wearing. As our breaths come out in hard white puffs of air, I give up caring whether Luke is coming out or not and my eyes finally close as I reach a point where all I can think about is Mia. Nothing, but kissing Mia. Well that and possibly peeling off the layers of clothing that separates us and doing a whole lot more than just kissing her.
But it’s Mia who eventually ends it, pushing me away as she whispers, “Watch it you,” in a low growl that only turns me on even more.
“Watch what?” I can’t help but ask, grinding my hips even harder against hers and showing her exactly how turned on I am now.
Firmly shoving me back she smiles and says. “You’ll get in trouble if you’re not careful.”
Smiling back at her I can’t help but ask in a low whisper, “What, from you. You gonna punish me for it baby?”
Leaning in, Mia moves her hand to a very compromising position at the front of my jeans and presses a quick kiss on my mouth as she gently squeezes her fingers. “Maybe, you’ll just have to wait and see won’t you,” she replies in a throaty voice that leaves me moaning with desire, before she ducks under my arms and jumps into the back seat of the car.
“Fuck,” I say th
rough clenched teeth. I am in serious trouble now. I have a hard-on like you wouldn’t believe and now I’m supposed to get in the car with Mia and her brother, and drive. Fuck.
And even though I should be thinking about cold showers and shit like that, all I can think about is climbing onto the back seat of this car and doing something about the raging hard-on Mia has just given me. Just as I’m about to push Mia down on the seat and really teach her a lesson, Luke finally walks out to the car carrying a mountain of bags.
“What the fuck is all that?” I can’t help but ask, subtly readjusting my jeans and momentarily distracted from climbing into the car with my gorgeous woman.
“Presents and food for your folks,” he answers grinning.
“Shit Luke, you didn’t need to do all that, you know that.” Man, I am constantly amazed at the things he does, Mia too. They are just so damn generous, it is truly amazing, especially given everything I know about their childhood and the shithead parents they’d been stuck with. So much has changed since the incident with Luke’s dad and although the two of them are definitely not speaking to each other, Luke is doing a whole lot better. He’s dropped the defensive, pissed off at the world attitude he used to walk around with. He’s actually laughing these days and while he’s practically a natural at playing guitar and totally on board for getting the band together, he isn’t entirely convinced about the singing part yet.
“Yeah, yeah I know we didn’t,” he replies, dumping the contents of his arms in the trunk when I open it for him. “But we couldn’t show up empty handed now, could we.”
Slapping him on the back, I smile and say, “Well come on then, get in, or we’ll never get there!”
Laughing, Luke jumps in the front passenger seat while I slide in behind the wheel. Glancing in the rear view mirror as I pull out into the street, my vision is filled with Mia. Lifting her eyes to mine, she winks at me before silently blowing me a kiss and turning away to look out the window. Fuck, this is going to be one long ride to Connecticut.
Three hours later we pull into the huge drive that leads up to my parents’ house. Mansion is probably a better way to describe it, because it really is fucking huge. My parents are loaded, always have been, courtesy of my dad’s construction business. He’d done well, very well and they have basically created an empire that let them retire at fifty and actually enjoy life. My two older brothers Andrew and Simon work for the family business, but I’ve never really been that interested. Dad is cool about it though and they’ve supported me regardless, even when I ditched school to move to Boston and work in Damien’s record store.
“Oh wow,” I hear Mia whisper from the backseat. “The house looks amazing.”
Glancing in the mirror I can see the look of wonder on her face at everything in front of her. My Mom always goes nuts for the holidays and there is Christmas shit everywhere, all over the house. It seems borderline overdone and I wonder if it’s too cheesy, that they would think she is crazy for doing all of this. But when I glance over at Luke, he just smiles at me and turns back to the window. It makes me wonder whether they ever celebrated the holidays at their place.
As soon as I stop in the drive, the front door opens and my mom comes out, her black Labrador bounding after her. I hear Mia squeal as she jumps out of the car and crouches down in front of Buddy. Smiling, I turn off the engine and climb out, watching as Mom embraces Mia in a huge hug.
Man, I have it bad, because I am so in love with this girl.
It is well after one in the morning by the time I finally head to bed, my brothers having kept me and Luke up for hours with Xbox challenges. Mia went to bed a couple of hours earlier, tired from school and an exhibition she is getting ready for. As I slip in the door to our room, I notice the light is out. I can see Mia curled up under the covers, facing away from me. Tugging off my sweats I walk over and slip under the covers, wrapping my body around hers. She is naked, as though she’s been waiting for me, but she is also sound asleep. As I slide my arm over her stomach and pull her back towards me, kissing her shoulder, I feel her stir in my arms.
“Hey baby,” I whisper. “Couldn’t wait up for me?”
“Why’d you take so long?” she mumbles back.
I can’t help but laugh. My beautiful Mia, as impatient as ever. “Well I’m here now, so what are you going to do with me?”
Turning in my arms so she’s facing me, I can see the tiny smile on her face, her eyes only half open as I brush her hair back and cup her cheek. Leaning up and pressing her lips to mine, she whispers, “Oh no Jared, I think it’s you who owes me for taking so long.”
I can’t stop the groan that slides out of my throat at her words. Fuck she is so damn sexy and she turns me on so bad. Pulling her even tighter against me so she can feel just how ready I am, I whisper, “I owe you? After what you did to me before we drove up here?”
Mia laughs and I press my mouth firmly against hers, but kiss her gently as my hand slides from her cheek to her neck. Wrapping it around her shoulders and pulling her into my arms, I can feel the touch of her skin against my bare chest. Mia lets out a soft moan as I push my tongue between her lips, tasting the minty flavour of her toothpaste.
“Mia,” I whisper into the darkness as her leg hitches itself over my hip, pulling our bodies even closer.
“Mmm,” she lets out, pushing herself harder against my body, her tongue further into my mouth.
My hand moves slowly down her back to her ass as I roll over, pulling her on top of me. Mia lets out a throaty laugh as she sits up on my hips, looking down at me. Her hair falls down over her shoulders, covering her breasts and I reach up with one hand to brush it to the side, my other hand firmly grasping her hip so she can’t move.
“Mia,” I say again as she lifts off me and rearranges us so I can slide into her. “Fuck baby,” I groan. “You feel amazing.”
She bends down to kiss me as she slowly starts to move on my hips. As she pulls her mouth away from mine, I follow her, sitting up and wrapping my arms around her body, slowing her movements so this won’t be over too quickly.
“I want you so bad,” I whisper against her mouth as she rakes her nails down my back.
“Jared,” she moans.
I groan again. I don’t want this to be over yet, so I fall back onto the bed, taking Mia with me and rolling us over so I now lie on top of her. Slowly kissing along her jaw as I pull out of her, I hear Mia whisper, “What are you doing?”
Smiling I look up from where I am now kissing her breast. “I owe you, remember?” is all I say as I kiss a slow trail all the way down her body.
“Jared,” she groans, but I ignore it, focusing instead on what I can do to make up for taking so long to come to bed. I settle myself between her legs, putting my mouth against the most intimate part of her, tasting her. I want to go slow, to make it last, but the sounds that are coming from Mia are not letting me. As Mia’s thighs start to shake on either side of me, I tighten my grip on her hips; work my tongue harder against her body. Sliding two fingers inside of her just as she starts to moan, I push her harder and harder until I feel her, hear the loud groan she lets out, followed by my name. It sounds sexy as fuck.
Quickly kissing my way back up her body, I push inside her before she’s finished coming, feel the last of it as she wraps her legs around my hips and presses her mouth against mine, tasting herself. Knowing I’m not going to last very long, I start to move, pushing myself into her body. Mia continues to kiss me, her fingers digging into my back and holding me tightly as I feel myself about to lose control.
“Mia,” I let out with a gasp as I come, pushing into her one last time.
My body falls against hers, the heavy weight of me pushing her into the bed. I should move but I can’t, and Mia only wraps her body tighter around mine, as though she doesn’t want me to be anywhere else.
“I love when you do that,” she whispers.
“What?” I ask, lifting my head to see her smiling up me. Did she just say she
loves me?
“I said, I love when you do that,” Mia answers, a playful smile now lighting up her face.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, wishing it were something else. “You love it huh?”
Mia shrugs. “Yeah, it definitely earns you brownie points.”
I pull my hands from under her back, moving them so I can tickle her. “Brownie points Mia? Well in that case I better do it every night and every fucking morning,” I say as she laughs beneath me, the movement of her body already turning me on all over again.
Mia suddenly goes very still and my hands stop what they’re doing. “Think you’re up for it?” she asks me, her laughter completely gone as she looks me dead in the eye with nothing but want all over her face.
“Oh I’m fucking up for it alright baby,” I growl at her before I press my mouth hard against hers and start showing her how much I am.
I wake up late the morning after we get back from my parents’. It’s the New Year and I know Mia had to get back to school, finish the project she’s working on for this exhibition, so I don’t expect her to still be here. When I roll over though, I find a note, which is better than the cold bed I used to get. Picking up the paper, I smile at Mia’s writing.
Hey you, back to school for me. Miss you already.
Loved Xmas and New Year though.
And you. M x
My heart is pounding in my chest at her final line. Is Mia seriously telling me she loves me? I read the line a couple more times, trying to work it out. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Is she for real? I glance at the clock, realise I am already running late for work. Quickly pulling on a pair of sweats, I run out to the living room, desperate to see if she’s still here. But the apartment is empty, both Mia and Luke gone. Knowing I really need to haul ass to work, I grab a post-it from beside the phone on the kitchen counter. Walking back into our room, I grab a pen, scrawl a note back to her and leave it on her pillow. Taking a step back, my heart racing in my chest right now, I glance down at the words I’ve written.