by Natalie Ward
“Basically, but that’s not the whole story,” I say, my voice catching. Jared looks at me now, saying nothing. I stare back at him, at his deep blue eyes as they watch me, waiting for the rest of the story. “He knew who you were Jared, remembered you from that day he came for Luke.”
“Did he tell you this?”
I’m nodding my head, remembering what had happened next, just as I was about to leave and come back here.
“So when he showed up,” I tell him, crying again now. “I knew it wasn’t going to be good. And when he threatened you, your family, everything, that’s… that’s when it got awful. I’m sorry Jared, I’m so sorry,” I whisper now, my voice choked by tears that I can no longer stop.
Today, 3:55pm – Jared
“…I’m sorry Jared, I’m so sorry,” she says, her voice catching on her tears.
“What happened Mia?” I ask, pulling her into my arms again. God I can’t believe her fucking father, that he actually thinks he can control her like that.
“After he showed up…” she gets out in between sobs, “…I tried talking to him, tried to tell him that I love you and I wanted to be with you, but…” Her tears cut her off again and I tighten my arms, trying to comfort her, tell her it’s okay, even though I’m fucking fuming on the inside.
“But he didn’t want to hear it?” I guess, trying to help her out.
Mia’s head shakes in my arms and I know that not only did he not want to hear it, but he probably wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I’m surprised he gave up so easily with Luke all those years ago, but then I guess Mia was his favourite, so maybe her doing something he didn’t like, was worth fighting for. He must really fucking hate me, given my connection to both of them.
“No,” she eventually gets out, her tears slowing down. “He didn’t and I couldn’t let him do that to you, to your family. Not after everything you’d done for us.”
“So you didn’t get on the plane?” I say, just needing to know everything now. “And you texted me instead?”
“I didn’t,” she says. “I wanted to, but then he showed up and he had those photos and he threatened you and afterwards I ran to the bathroom and was sick. After that, well…”
“What?” I ask, my arms tightening again.
“Then I lost the baby,” she says quietly. “And…”
“And then you texted me?” I ask, a sick feeling in my stomach as I remember.
“Yeah,” she says sadly. “I guess I just thought none of it was meant to be. Or that I didn’t deserve it anyway.”
No, your fucking father is the one who doesn’t deserve anything, I think to myself. If he hadn’t done any of this, then not only would Mia have gotten on that plane, but we would’ve had a baby, we would be together. He is the reason she lost the baby, and he is the reason I lost the woman I love. Him alone. Fuck, I want to kill that fucking man.
“I’m sorry Jared,” she whispers, her lips against my neck. “You must hate me right now.”
I’m shaking my head before she even finishes. “I don’t hate you Mia, I hate your fucking father,” I finally admit out loud. “But not you, never you baby,” I tell her. And it’s the truth.
I’ve tried never to bad-mouth her family, even though just the thought of them makes my stomach turn. But it was never my place. I can’t pretend I know what it was like growing up in that environment, and I can’t pretend to understand why either of them would ever give their parents the time of day again. I don’t know what it was like, but I am starting to understand things. I understand now why Mia would always want to protect her brother, why she’d look out for him like that. Why she could so easily give up Chicago for him, without blinking an eye. And as it turns out, when she couldn’t do that, she even gave up me, and everything we had together. Even if the consequences were devastating, her motivation was always right. And even though I don’t like it, not one fucking bit, I do finally understand it.
“Jared…” she whispers, but doesn’t say anything more.
I take a deep breath, knowing I have to say these words, knowing she needs to know I wouldn’t have run from this. “We would have worked it out Mia, we would have worked it all out you know, the whole thing with Luke, your dad, our baby. We would have worked it all out.”
Mia starts crying again and I say nothing more, just breathe out and pull her even closer to me.
Eventually I whisper in her ear. “You should have told me baby, you should have told me everything. None of this would have stopped me from loving you. I would have understood, if I only knew what was going on. Living without you, not knowing what I’d done wrong,” I say, struggling to get the words out now. “It nearly killed me Mia, every single day, it nearly killed me. We could have found a way to make it work, baby, we would have found a way.”
Her arms wrap tighter around me, her sobs now coming in hard bursts against my shoulder. My hand gently rubs her back, as my other arm wraps tightly around her waist. Mia doesn’t talk anymore and I don’t dare say anything else, but everything I thought I knew has changed now. Nothing about the year Mia and I have spent apart was what I thought it was.
“You never told Luke about any of this, did you?” I eventually ask her.
Mia shakes her head, her sobs finally growing quieter. “How could I?” she whispers. “When I couldn’t even tell you.”
I don’t say anything, just pull her back against me as I wonder how it was that everything got so fucked up.
Mia’s hand slides under my t-shirt and rests against the skin of my stomach. It sends a jolt through my whole body because it’s the first time she’s touched me like this in forever. I want to believe this is possible, that we can really be together again, but I know that the things that broke us up, are all still very much a factor in us getting back together again.
“When your dad showed up, Mia?” I ask. “What exactly did he say?”
I feel her exhale against me and I squeeze my hand on her hip, wanting her to know it’s okay to tell me, that I really want her to keep talking. “My dad is not a nice man, Jared.”
Yeah, I already fucking knew that.
“I never told him where Luke was when he ran away. I eventually knew he was in Boston, but it wasn’t me who told my dad that.”
“So who did?” I ask her.
“I don’t know really, but someone who works for him I suspect,” she says, her fingers brushing lightly against my skin and giving me goose bumps.
“Someone who works for him? What exactly does your dad do Mia?”
Her hand leaves my skin and moves so it’s resting against my heart, outside my t-shirt this time. I move my own hand from her hip and rest it over the top of hers.
“He works in security,” she says, her voice serious.
“Security, like what, security for people?” I ask.
Mia lifts her head from my shoulder and looks at me. I can’t believe this is another one of those things that we’ve never talked about. That I had no idea what her dad even did for a living, even after sharing an apartment with her brother and a bed with her.
“For very important people,” she says. “Important and I think…sometimes bad people.”
“So he has connections then?” I ask, wondering exactly who this guy is. Mia’s hand slides out from under mine and brushes my hair back. I’m staring up at her, watching as she watches her fingers. “Mia?”
“What?”
I reach up and grab her hand, pull it back to my chest again and hold it in mine. “Your dad, he has connections?”
She nods. “He does.”
“And you think they’re bad connections, dangerous ones?”
She bites her bottom lip now and nods again.
“You’ve seen things?” I ask.
She nods again.
“What, what sort of things?”
She presses her lips together, as though preparing herself. My hand instinctively grips hers a little harder as all sorts of things start to flash through my
brain.
“I’ve seen photos,” she finally says. “Photos of things he shouldn’t have had, private things. And…” she trails off.
“And?”
“And…I’ve seen the photos of you and me, together. In Boston and in Chicago. There was even a fucking photo of me at school, quitting my job, buying the fucking pregnancy test,” she says, her voice angry now.
“Fucking hell,” I say. “Do you think he’s still watching you now?”
“Yeah, probably. But because I stayed in Chicago, he hasn’t done anything…” …yet, is the obvious word she leaves off.
“Tell me what he said to you?” I ask, needing to know everything now.
Mia takes a deep breath and looks me right in the eye. “He knew about your dad’s company, Jared, which he threatened to destroy,” she says, her voice strangely calm. “He knew about your job in Damien’s record store, which he said he would buy and shut down, he…he knew about the band with Luke, he, fuck…he just knew everything Jared, everything about you and me and us and everything.”
“Baby,” I say, pulling her against me again. “I’m not scared of him you know. I’m not scared of him and neither is Luke. You shouldn’t be either, because I would never let him do anything to hurt you. I will always protect you Mia, always.”
“But he could hurt you Jared,” she says against my chest. “You and your family.”
“No he can’t,” I tell her, not entirely sure if that’s true or not, but knowing I don’t really care anyway. I am not giving her or us, up for this man, no matter how powerful he thinks he is.
“I’m afraid of him,” she whispers now and I can hear the fear in her voice. “I always sort of was, but now more than ever.”
My arms tighten around her. “Don’t be Mia, I’ll look after you. I will always look after you.”
“And your family?” she asks and my chest aches as I realise how much she worries, how much she cares about them too.
“I’ll talk to my dad, okay, but it will be okay baby, I promise.”
Her fingers grip my t-shirt and I know she’s struggling to believe me. I don’t even know if it’s the truth either, if it’s even possible to stop someone like that, but I know I’m going to try. I have to, because I would do anything for her, anything.
Neither of us says anything more, Mia lies in my arms and I hang on to her, never wanting to let her go. I’m not sure what she’s thinking, but I’m wondering how this time around is going to be any different. What happens when her dad finds out about us? Is she going to stay in Chicago still, or what? What’s changed this time around, what’s made her decide to tell me all of this, now?
“Mia, what made you change your mind?” I eventually ask her. “Why have you suddenly decided to tell me all of this now?”
“I’ve always wanted to tell you, Jared,” she says, her voice quiet. “I just never knew how, not after everything I’d done, everything that had happened.”
“That’s not what it seemed like last night though,” I say, remembering how she’d stormed in here and basically never left.
“I know,” she whispers.
“So?” I ask. “Why now?”
I feel her exhale against me, a big heavy sigh. “I don’t know exactly. Maybe it’s just been a year of building up to this point, or maybe I just decided…” Mia trails off, as though thinking about what she’s trying to say. “Part of it was what happened between us in the bathroom last night. I’d always known that connection; all those feelings were still there, for me at least. And last night just made me realise how much I’d missed them,” she says, smiling at me now. “Maybe another part was talking to Ash, seeing how happy her and Luke are…the things she said and you…” she trails off again as though trying to find more reasons. Even now, despite everything she’s said, she still doesn’t sound entirely convinced.
I want to ask her if she’s really sure about this, if she really wants us to happen again. I do, more than anything, but I can’t go through losing her again, so as much as it might kill me, I’d rather stop this now than go any further, only to have it end in a week, six months, a year. I can’t go through that again. I can’t go through losing her again.
Eventually, Mia takes a deep breath.
“But I think the biggest reason,” she whispers, raising her head to look me in the eye. “Is just that…I miss you,” she finally says and even though it’s only three simple words, it’s not only more than enough; it’s the perfect answer.
“I miss you too,” I say, closing my eyes as I pull her even closer.
Today, 6:43pm – Mia
As I wake up, I realise I’m lying in Jared’s arms. They are wrapped tightly around me, just like they always used to be and his scent is surrounding me, filling me, it’s the only thing I’m breathing in. My face is buried in his neck, his skin is warm against my lips and I can feel the steady beat of his heart under my hand as it rests against his chest. He is sleeping, but he is holding me. I have finally told him everything and now, I never want to let him go, ever again.
I keep my eyes closed; too scared to open them and discover this is only a dream again. Lying here with Jared only proves to me just how much I have missed him. More than I ever knew, more than I ever let myself believe. Much more than I ever let myself feel. I can’t believe I ever thought I could push him away, that I ever thought I could just stop loving him.
Even when I stopped coming out here, it didn’t help. In fact it only made things worse, as the memory of him and of us only grew. Sometimes when I’d call Luke, I could actually hear Jared in the background, talking or laughing. Hearing that, I’d try and convince myself that I’d done the right thing, that he was okay, he was over me, and moving on. But then the few times I’d come out to visit, it was clear that he hadn’t, it was obvious he was hurting just as much as I was, even if he never realised I was feeling the same way.
So now, when I find myself finally unburdened from the secrets and the lies I had to tell. When I find myself instead, wrapped in his arms as though none of this past year has happened, or maybe all of it has and it’s been forgotten, I just don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to wake up and discover it’s not true. But the smell of him and the feel of him against me, wrapped around me, somehow convinces my brain that it must be.
So I take a chance and I open my eyes. And when I do, I discover the beautiful bliss is no longer just a dream, but is now my reality.
I slowly move my head so it’s resting on Jared’s shoulder, and the first thing I notice is the bare patch of skin between his t-shirt, which has risen up, and his boxers. I see the trail of hair that starts at his belly button and disappears below his waistband. I see my fingers reach out and slowly trace it.
Jared’s hand catches my fingers as they reach his boxers. I shift and look up. He still has his eyes closed, but there is the tiniest trace of a smile on his face now as he lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses each of my fingertips. My heart melts at his touch and I keep my eyes on his face, watch as he kisses my fingers one by one, starting at my thumb, and moving across to my little finger, before he kisses his way back to my thumb again.
He is here, he is real and I really am lying in his arms. I can’t even begin to describe what’s going on inside my head, my heart, my soul right now. To feel his hard, warm body against mine, his lips on my skin, to see that smile on his beautiful mouth.
I lift myself up on one elbow so I can look at him properly. Jared’s eyes slowly open now and focus on me. We stare silently at each other and his tiny smile stays in place as he watches me.
I see my fingers reach out and brush back the hair that has fallen in his eyes. It is so much longer, but the memory of running my fingers through it, just like I’m doing now, is still crystal clear.
“Hey you,” I whisper, never taking my eyes off his.
Jared’s hand reaches up and slides into my hair, gently pulling my head down so my lips rest lightly against his. My fragile heart starts pounding
in my chest and it feels like it’s going to burst out of there any second now. I haven’t kissed him in what feels like forever and even though we aren’t exactly kissing now, it’s the first time my lips have touched his in months.
“Hey yourself,” he whispers against them before he kisses me in a way that literally makes me melt into a puddle against him. I lose complete control, letting out a soft moan as his lips, which are pressed so softly against mine, slowly start to move against them. His tongue, ever so gently, touches my lips, urging them to part and let him in. Our legs are tangled together now, my feet sliding over his as I start to feel myself come undone, his kisses slowly erasing everything. My heart is pounding in my chest, my stomach has fallen to the floor and my entire body feels like it would be floating away if it weren’t wrapped in his arms.
“Jared…” I moan, my voice a whisper in the silence of his room.
“Do you really still love me?” he whispers, his mouth barely leaving mine.
“Still love you?” I ask, confused. “Jared, I never stopped loving you,” I tell him, before lowering my body all the way on to his and deepening the kiss, my hands sliding into his hair now.
Jared groans, his arms tightening around me. “Then nothing else matters, because I never stopped loving you either, Mia.”
I pull back for the briefest second and watch as his eyes open again. I stare into their clear blue depths, looking for the truth. I want him back; I’ve never wanted anything so badly in all my life. He looks at me now like he wants the same. He’s telling me that he loves me, and his arms are wrapped around me, his lips were just on mine. I run my fingers lightly down his cheek and watch as he smiles at my touch.
“No?” I whisper.
He smiles at me now, his eyes shining as he says, “Fuck no, never. Nothing else matters Mia, nothing but us.”