Bhyr

by Penelope Fletcher

  ‘Indie,’ Cristina began, wincing. ‘I don’t think you should talk anymore.’

  In for a penny.

  ‘Listen. Rape is a cultural construct. A human one. There isn’t even an equivalent word for it in Vøtkyrnai.’ I peeked at Ashleigh, who had moved from shock to a death glare. ‘Look me in the eye and tell me Ohx thinks about the Testing the same way you do.’

  ‘It was hell,’ Ashleigh said.

  ‘Yes, for us. It was the accomplishment of a lifetime to them. They experienced the actualisation of their greatest dream. Fatherhood. They broke decades of rigorous abstinence, and we know sex is agonising for them, so their intentions weren’t to humiliate or damage us. This isn’t a cut and dry situation.’ I sat back. ‘We shouldn’t treat it as one.’

  ‘There is some truth to what you’re saying.’ Cristina chewed her thumbnail. ‘Bihter talks about the Testing as if we got married.’

  Mayumi nodded.

  ‘Be honest,’ I said. ‘Don’t say what you think you should say as a modern woman. If we felt raped in its truest sense, we’d never entertain building relationships with them. We’d be burning shit down.’

  Ashleigh crossed her arms over her chest. ‘I’m not building a relationship with Ohx.’ She caught the dubious glances between me, Cristina and Mayumi. ‘I’m not.’

  Fuck it. I was already the villain of this piece. ‘Liar.’ At her incensed expression, I jammed the heels of my palms into my eyes. ‘Bhyr says the most outrageous things. Crazy things. Some of the things he’s done make me sick. Don’t you think even for a second that I lack understanding on how dangerous he is. But when I take his biology and history into account, he comes into focus as a man trying so hard and failing so miserably, because what he feels isn’t reflected by what he was taught. He makes sense.’ I lowered my hands. ‘Admit they make sense.’

  ‘You don’t get to tell me how to feel about this.’

  ‘Agreed.’ I hastened to finish defending myself before she scratched my eyes out. ‘I’m not saying you should forgive and forget.’ She wasn’t me, and I wasn’t asking her to be.

  ‘Then what are you saying? Because I just don’t get you.’

  I met her gaze without anger. I wouldn’t let her bully me for having a different opinion. ‘This isn’t Earth, and they are not human.’

  ‘No shit, Indira.’

  ‘Attributing human responses and emotions to them isn’t fair. Just like it’s not fair for them to expect Aztekan emotions and responses from us.’

  Fury distorting her features, Ashleigh leaned into my space. ‘No means no. Even if my pussy is wet and screaming for it. So fuck him and fuck you.’

  I met her glare for glare.

  ‘We should take a breather.’ Cristina planted a hand on both our chests to push us apart.

  Shoving her hand off, Ashleigh’s head whipped around. ‘Fuck you, too. Judas.’

  ‘What did I do?’ Cristina demanded. ‘Just because I understand her argument doesn’t mean I agree.’

  ‘Don’t you?’ Ashleigh and I asked simultaneously, our tones opposites.

  It outraged her.

  It hurt me.

  Cristina reared back, hesitating. ‘It’s complicated.’

  ‘It’s not,’ she protested. ‘You’re letting her make excuses for what they did.’

  ‘Okay, Ashleigh.’ I’d reached the limits of my patience. ‘Let’s say we make this situation black and white. They violated us. What punishment would be acceptable to you?’

  She blinked. ‘What?’

  ‘What punishment? What amount of pain and suffering on their part will make you feel like we have served justice? Incarceration? An eye for an eye? Death?’ I leaned in. ‘We can’t turn back time, but we can make one of the above happen, if we throw ourselves into it.’

  Ashleigh paled, back rigid. ‘It isn’t right, what they did.’

  I sighed. ‘No, it isn’t.’

  ‘They deserve to feel what I felt. They deserve to feel afraid and powerless.’

  ‘I get that. Still doesn’t answer my question. Do we hurt them back? Abandon them to extinction?’

  ‘You would do that to the First?’

  ‘No.’ For all his sins, Bhyr had suffered. ‘But I’ll help you do it to Ohx, if you need me to.’

  ‘That’s not fair.’

  ‘None of this is fair. Well? What do you want?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She covered her eyes with her hand. ‘What do you want me to say?’

  ‘Whatever you need to. I’m your friend, and friends support each other.’

  ‘Bullshit. You want me to say I support you forgiving the First? Well, I don’t. What he did affected all of us. People died.’

  ‘Bhyr isn’t the first leader who made a decision that cost lives, nor will he be the last.’ I sucked in a breath to calm down. ‘Ashleigh, please? Reciprocation of suffering isn’t something that’s measured then dished out when convenient to the victim. Hurting Bhyr won’t bring you peace. Hurting Ohx will hurt you.’

  ‘What are you talking about? We have a judicial system on Earth that does exactly that.’

  ‘The system on Earth is far from perfect and equal.’ I patted Cristina’s shoulder when I saw a tirade building behind her clenched teeth. ‘There is justice here. It’s not the kind we’re used to. We need to accept that because the rules are different. You say they deserve to hurt the way you hurt? I say they deserve compassion and understanding. I say we woman the fuck up and deal with it. We should help them change, so this won’t happen again in this small corner of the universe. Don’t you think?’

  ‘It’s all so simple to you, isn’t it, Indira? Logical. Do you know what you are? A rape apologiser.’

  ‘I’m a realist, and I’m a survivor. I put what happened in my rear view and will do whatever I can to make the future better for myself and others.’ Exhaling, I glanced around. ‘It won’t always feel this way. Trite as it sounds, time is a great healer.’

  Ashleigh’s lip trembled. Her face got a little mean. ‘You know what? Listening to this, I know just how Ella felt after you were done with her.’

  28

  Indira

  She didn’t mean it. Still the blood left my face.

  ‘You bitch.’ Cristina jumped onto her feet.

  Then we were all up, the atmosphere spiralling into something ugly.

  ‘No fighting,’ Mayumi cried. ‘We shouldn’t fight.’

  ‘Cristina,’ I said through numb lips. ‘Let it go.’

  ‘No goddamned way.’ Her palm was in my face. ‘She wants to argue about it, then we will. I knew she would do this.’ She spun on Ashleigh. ‘I knew you were stewing on it and would make out like it was our fault because we didn’t kiss her ass. She acted like a spoilt child.’

  ‘She died.’ Ashleigh shouted at full volume. ‘Ella died. She was right about us.’

  ‘Ella didn’t just up and die.’ Cristina’s hands flew up in frustration. ‘She killed herself.’

  ‘We didn’t help her. Ella needed us, and where were we?’ There was a tonne of self-loathing in her voice.

  ‘We tried.’ Cristina looked exasperated. ‘Bihter told me a group of warriors were planning to petition the First to intervene. That’s not taking into consideration the begging I’m sure you, me and Indira did.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’

  ‘It’s true.’ Mayumi spoke up. ‘Drayg told me so.’

  ‘You weren’t there.’

  Mayumi gave her a wounded look. ‘We heard about it and wanted to help.’

  ‘They’re not savages, Ashleigh.’ I tried not be angry with her. ‘There are laws they have to follow and care of their breeders is one of them. They wanted Bhyr to remove her from Arj Wyrm based on that and were prepared to go down fighting for it.’

  ‘If she’d ridden out the bad shit, she’d still be here with us,’ Cristina said. ‘The changing Laws would have kept her safe. That or we would have figured out another way to get her free of that jacka
ss.’

  ‘Ridden out the bad shit?’ Ashleigh looked beside herself.

  ‘Yeah, seriously bad shit. No one is minimising what we suffered, but we’re old enough and smart enough to work through it together and gain some fucking perspective. Indie is the sister of my heart. I don’t agree with everything she said today, but I sure as fuck won’t let you paint her as responsible for what happened to Ella, because you won’t deal with the fact you have real feelings for Ohx. Not happening.’

  ‘My perspective is that you’re condoning the way they treated us. They way Arj Wyrm treated Ella.’

  ‘I’m doing no such thing. We know he was a dick.’

  ‘They all are,’ she shouted.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘I will not sit here and let you demonise an entire species for being who their fathers raised them to be.’ I held out my hands. ‘Bhyr will listen. He’s willing to change, and he is not the only one. That matters. They are redeemable.’

  Ashleigh scrubbed away angry tears. ‘Tell that to Ella.’

  ‘That’s not fair,’ I told her. ‘None of us were going to walk away and forget her.’

  ‘You want to assume responsibility for her taking the easy way out?’ Cristina interrupted. ‘Fine. But don’t push your guilt on us. I have my own woman-child to take care of. When was the last time you made Grace feel like she isn’t alone? It might be happening slower, but she’s suiciding just like Ella. Only she’s taking her sweet ass time and making me and my man suffer along with her. So, as much as I respect you, I have no patience for your shit, Ashleigh.’

  Making a pitched noise of aggravation, Ashleigh tossed her head and again folded her arms over her heaving chest.

  ‘Enough of this.’ I chopped my hand through the air. ‘We’re going in circles. What’s it going to be, ladies? Are we going to keep taking cheap shots at each other, or are we going to calm down and make peace?’

  They’d drifted to solitary spots, neither interested in standing close to the other, but when I spoke, both jabbed me with fulminating glares.

  ‘We’re not,’ Mayumi said and broke the tension. ‘We’re not saying what happened to us was okay.’ She glanced at me. ‘What you said makes sense to me. My culture differs from the Western one and… I can understand what happened. I know what you were trying to say.’ She wrung her hands, turning to face Ashleigh, apologetic. ‘We’re just….’

  ‘Making excuses.’ Ashleigh wasn’t backing down.

  ‘Understanding their reasons,’ I said thinking of Bhyr’s painful desperation.

  In his situation, how far would I have gone to save humanity? Who were we to judge when we were capable of the same fallible decisions?

  Moreover, I was right.

  They don’t think like us.

  Their culture was so different, it gave me chills. But to hold it against them would hinder our attempts to integrate and guide them to ways more acceptable to our human sense of morality.

  ‘Offering explanations.’ Mayumi gave a stubborn jut of the chin. ‘Different viewpoints. Yours remains a valid truth.’

  Ashleigh shook her head. ‘I won’t pretend Ohx saw me as anything but property. Some kind of toy he treated like crap and was willing to bludgeon to death once he’d gotten what he wanted.’ Her face bloomed in fiery shades of pink. ‘I will not think about how he cared for me after he’d used me. I will not think because he swore he’d keep me after I gave him a son I owe him anything but contempt.’ She slapped a hand over her mouth to cover a sob, but pulled it together in admirable speed. ‘So shut up about the gifts and sweet things they’re doing now. It makes me want to scream.’ As soon as she’d finished her verbal torrent, Ashleigh’s tormented expression lightened. ‘Saying that felt good.’

  ‘Screeching it more like,’ Cristina muttered.

  ‘Ohx said he would keep you after you had a boy?’ I liked him a lot more than I had a minute prior. Knowing how the Horde feared Bhyr’s wrath, the male had a huge pair on him to make that kind of promise.

  ‘He was going to hide me in the vespiary. Whatever and wherever that is.’ She rubbed a hand over her watery eyes. ‘He said I’d be safe there.’

  ‘It’s their last city,’ I said.

  Ashleigh’s hand dropped and her eyes got big. ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘City?’ Mayumi squeaked.

  ‘Is it close? Is there toilet paper?’ Cristina looked half crazed at the idea.

  Wincing at their shrill tones, I leaned away, palms up to fend them off. ‘You’re being very intense right now.’

  ‘Why the hell am I living in a cave, squatting over a glorified latrine when there’s a perfectly good bathroom somewhere with a toilet seat, and all the modern comforts of home?’ Cristina asked.

  Ashleigh sniffed. ‘That was a whole load of supposition.’

  ‘Calm down, Cristina.’ I smacked her bouncing knee to still it. ‘It’s not that great. It’s creepy. Abandoned and in the middle of nowhere.’

  ‘Still,’ she said, wistful. ‘There’s only so many times a woman can wipe her ass with a fuzzy leaf and not have a breakdown, you know?’

  We were quiet again.

  I broke the silence this time. ‘So, we’re staying,’ I checked. ‘Here. On Vøtkyr.’

  ‘Of course.’ Mayumi’s smile made her eyes disappear it was so big. ‘Drayg adores me. He is a good man. I am honoured to have his children.’ She tapped a finger on her chin. ‘One day, if the First ever lets in tourists….’ She shot me a pointed stare. I blinked. ‘I will open a hotel. My mother will never see me become more successful than my younger brother, but I’ll know it.’

  Cristina exhaled. ‘I’m in love with Bihter, so, I’m not going anywhere. Besides, with these holospheres, I can start my news station. I’d have a monopoly on the entire demographic on this planet.’ She grinned. ‘Stay with me on this. I envision….’ She expanded her arms with a starry-eyed look. ‘Intergalactic coverage.’

  My mouth quirked. ‘Dream big.’

  Rolling her eyes to heaven, Ashleigh fell back into her seat and screamed into her hands.

  ‘Better?’ I asked.

  ‘I hate what Ohx did. I hate it.’ The dangerous vibes she’d been emanating cooled. ‘I tried not to care about him but…’ She jerked a shoulder, expression helpless. ‘There’s something about him. He’s done terrible things I can’t imagine forgiving, but there’s this innocence to him that is so confusing.’

  I understood the nameless pull she fought against. I felt it when Bhyr said my name, shy and uncertain, and when he touched me like I was precious.

  ‘What about the women who don’t want to stay?’ asked Mayumi. ‘We shouldn’t ignore them or force them.’

  ‘We don’t want another Ella,’ I added with a pang of sadness. I let the emotion have its moment then sidelined it.

  ‘Of course not, but how will they leave? What can we do to help them?’ Cristina pointed out. ‘It’s not as if we ever came up with a workable plan to get back to Earth. The only way off this rock is through the First. So?’ She looked at me, expectant. They all looked at me. ‘Indie?’

  Aggravated by the impossibility of it all, I sat.

  Mayumi mirrored me except she was graceful about it, tucking her legs under her bottom and hands in her lap.

  Cristina and Ashleigh joined us after shooting each other apologetic looks for their earlier confrontation.

  ‘Bhyr made serious changes and not everyone agrees.’ I rubbed my forehead. ‘He has to move with caution and give the warriors who are struggling time to adjust. Politics, you know?’ Even broaching sending women home made me anxious. It would mean taking fertile breeders away from desperate males. It was the right thing to do, but doing it would set off a chain reaction that might cause considerable collateral damage. Not only were humans the most breakable things around, but a tradable commodity. I didn’t want us to rush and back ourselves into a situation worse than our current one. ‘We’re treading on dangerous ground as it is. It won’t take much
for there to be open rebellion.’ I grimaced. ‘Civil war.’

  ‘War?’ Mayumi made an unhappy face.

  ‘I always thought it’d be romantic for a man to ride into battle for me,’ Cristina said. ‘The reality is awful.’

  I was glad they understood the danger and wouldn’t demand the impossible. ‘We’re on the same page. Good. We have to be patient. Once things settle, I’ll ask Bhyr to do right by them.’ He couldn’t give them back the time stolen, or fix the trauma they’d suffered, but he could get them home and give them back to their families.

  ‘Uh huh.’ Ashleigh looked unimpressed. ‘We’re on the same page.’ She twirled a finger in a circle to indicate our council. ‘Who is going to tell the ones who spend all day crying to leave that they have to stay until God knows when?’

  We glanced between ourselves.

  Mayumi cleared her throat. ‘As Indira is our leader–’

  I did a double take, while Cristina made a sudden, abortive neck slicing action.

  ‘–isn’t it her job to soothe the others?’ Mayumi finished.

  ‘Oh, yeah.’ Ashleigh sat back. ‘That takes a load off.’

  My eyebrows tried to climb off my face and into my hairline. ‘I’m sorry, what?’

  ‘We ran an election,’ Ashleigh said. ‘There were polls and voting. It was cool. You won.’ She mimed waving a mini flag. ‘Yay you.’

  ‘What?’ I thumped my chest. ‘Where was I during this? What about my vote?’

  Holding up empty palms, Ashleigh shrugged.

  ‘You’re a lone wolf, Indie.’ Mayumi cupped her chin in her hand. ‘You and the First rarely leave your hermitage. This is the first time we’ve met, and I know everybody.’

  Cristina avoided my eyes.

  I grabbed her wrist. ‘Did you know about this?’

  ‘Um, maybe, yes?’ She slid me a guilt-ridden wince. ‘I voted, too, and on your behalf.’ She twisted a braid around her finger. ‘I may have also used those votes in your favour.’

  ‘She nominated you, too,’ Ashleigh shared. ‘And convinced us we needed a leader to advance our humanitarian causes.’

  I flung her arm away. ‘Cristina.’