Shrugging it off, he went inside and up the stairs to Tank’s room. The guards outside gave him a brief glance but didn’t search him again. The ones at the gate had probably already radioed ahead.
“What the hell took ya so long?” Tank asked as James opened the door.
“The damn guards at the gate had to practically strip-search me,” James said.
“Sure,” Connor said, skeptically. “That’s why.”
“I can tell by your smile that it wasn’t the guards that kept ya,” Tank said. “It was a certain lady.”
“Maybe,” James said.
Setting the bags down on the counter, he served up three plates of spaghetti with garlic bread. Connor came over and took his plate, and James brought one to Tank.
“Thanks, bro,” Tank said.
James walked over to one of the chairs against the wall and sat down. Fortunately, the chain on Tank’s handcuff was long enough that he was able to eat freely. They weren’t trying to keep him immobile, just making it difficult for him to get loose if he turned.
“I saw Chloe,” James said between bites. “She said she was thinking about you and to come see her as soon as you get out.”
“Did she try to come see me?” Tank asked.
“Yeah, but Alexis talked her out of it. Plus, I don’t think she could’ve gotten past security.”
“It’s really that tight?” Connor asked.
“Yes, they had to pat me down, and they looked in all the food.”
“Really?” Connor said.
“Ya think they’re hidin’ somethin’?”
“I don’t know,” James said. “Could just be to keep potential threats inside.”
“Then why is it so hard to get inside?” Connor asked.
James shrugged, finishing his spaghetti. Once they were done, he rinsed off the dishes in the sink and put them back in the bag.
“I think we should talk about what we’re going to do,” Connor said.
“Might as well. We have nuthin’ better to do,” Tank said.
“Okay,” James said, sighing. “You know what I think.”
“That we should leave,” Connor said. “But that’s not the right call, not while they’re out there.”
“What else is there?” James asked.
“We continue with what we’ve been doin’,” Tank said.
“We can look for them when we go out. Next time will be different if we’re ready,” Connor said.
“And once we find them?” James asked.
“We kill ‘em all,” Connor said. “End them for good.”
“It’s a whole lot better than runnin’,” Tank said.
“What if we can’t find them?” James asked. “Or what if the next trap actually works? We barely made it out of the last one.”
“We won’t let them trap us again,” Connor said. “I would’ve seen that tripwire if I’d been looking for it.”
“And if they just shoot an RPG at us when we’re in the rig?” James asked.
“I don’t think they have that kind of munitions anymore,” Connor said.
“But if they do?” James said, standing up. “They’ve beaten us at almost every turn.”
“Except when we almost wiped ‘em out,” Tank said.
“But we didn’t,” James said. “They almost killed me, and that one almost shot Connor.”
“We ain’t runnin’,” Tank said more forcefully. “And we ain’t just gonna sit here either, so where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know, but we have to be more careful out there,” James said.
“We agree,” Connor said. “But we have to do something, and running isn’t the right call. You should know that. We don’t run from anything.”
“Well, just for once, maybe it wouldn’t end with everyone we know dead!” James yelled. “All we’ve done is fight, and look at where it’s gotten us. We were all almost killed today. Our parents are dead, along with most of the people we started out with. If we keep going down this path the way we have been, there’ll be no one left to get to Alaska!”
“Precisely,” Tank said. “Maybe we shouldn’t try and get to Alaska anymore. Once the Reclaimers are gone, we can stay here.”
“Are you kidding me?” James said, throwing his hands into the air. “You really think this place is safe and that it’s all it seems to be?”
“Don’t be stupid,” Tank said. “Just because you have a hard time trustin’ people doesn’t mean this whole place is one giant conspiracy.”
“I have trust issues?” James said, pointing a finger at his chest.
“Enough,” Connor said. “Your bickering is ridiculous.”
“And I bet you agree with Tank,” James said, his voice rising. “You’re my brother, and you’re supposed to have my back.”
“Get off it,” Connor growled at him. “We’re all brothers here. This has nothing to do with having each other’s backs. It’s about making the right call that doesn’t end with all of us dead.”
James shook his head, walking to the door. “You’ll see. This whole place will come crashing down on our heads, and then where will we be?”
James slammed the door behind him and stormed out into the hall, ignoring the looks from the two guards.
21
The Cost
of Survival
James pushed out the front doors and stomped around to the side of the building. Why couldn’t they see that they needed to leave? It was the only way they could survive this. He wanted to scream at them, to scream at the sky. If they pursued the Reclaimers, it would end in death. Even if the Reclaimers didn’t kill them, he’d have to kill again. He’d have to end someone else’s life, and he didn’t want to do that anymore.
Every time he took someone’s life, a small piece of him died, and he didn’t like who he was becoming. He thought back to a few days before when they’d seen the smoke on their first run. Sure, it could’ve been the Reclaimers. It could’ve been another trap. In fact, that seemed even more likely now. Yet, he still felt they should’ve checked it. Someone could’ve needed help, and they’d just turned a blind eye. That was exactly what he wasn’t supposed to do. It wasn’t who he wanted to be, but in the moment it’d been exactly what he’d wanted to do, just like the ones who’d passed by the injured Samaritan on the road to Jericho. He’d hardened his heart and ignored the calling deep within.
He was straying down a dark path, and he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to turn back from it. It wasn’t a path he wanted to walk but one that had been forced on him by their circumstances. The apocalypse left them with few choices, and if they wanted to survive, that would entail the taking of lives. Even if the lives he took were evil, it was still someone’s life. He’d been raised and taught to honor life, to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves, but never to kill. Connor had been trained to kill, and his mindset was already like that before the Corps, but not James. In the past, James had known he could do what needed to be done in self-defense, but not everything they’d done had been in self-defense. They’d hunted down human beings and killed them.
It was taking a toll on him, and he realized now that he’d never be the same. Was that for better or worse? Was it making him into something he needed to be or something he shouldn’t be? Would he ever be able to live the life God had set out before him with who he was becoming? Did that even matter anymore? Question after question piled up in his mind and he sank down onto one of the swings behind the infirmary. There was a whole playground back there, and the sign out front indicated this had been a school at one time. Not anymore. It had been a place of learning, and now it was an infirmary—a place of pain and death. But its purpose was not to cause pain or death. Its purpose was to heal those who were in pain. He was in pain, so shouldn’t this be the place where he came for healing? Yet, it wasn’t that kind of pain. It was a deep pain buried in his heart and soul.
Lightning flashed acro
ss the sky. He’d experienced loss in the last few weeks unlike any he’d faced before. His whole life had been torn away, including most of the people in it. There was no going back to what once was. His mind strayed down a familiar path, thinking about his parents, Felicia, Mila, Peter, and all the others. His vision began to tunnel as images of children’s gutted bodies flashed in the back of his mind.
Not again, he thought, desperately, trying to hold on.
But he could feel himself slipping. He fell to his knees, face to the sky.
“Why, God?” James cried at the heavens as small raindrops began to fall on his face. “How could you let this happen?”
Everything he’d once known was gone, overshadowed by this consuming urge to survive and protect what he still had left—his brother, Alexis, Tank, Olive. The images in his mind continued to slowly rise to the surface as he fought to stay in the present. God had healed him of this already, so why was it continuing to happen? Then it hit him. He couldn’t run from this, just like they couldn’t run from the Reclaimers. He knew that. They’d just hunt them down and kill the rest of the people he cared about. But he didn’t want to shed more blood. It was tearing him apart and he didn’t know how to reconcile it. He was breaking inside.
No, I’m already broken.
He lost control and his mind flashed dark. He was standing in a room with fresh blood covering every surface. Fourteen little bodies were spread around in various states of decay. Lightning flashed in his vision and then he was in the gray Dodge, driving through a storm north of Sheridan. Bullets slammed into the truck and he glanced over to see one smash into Mike’s neck, his blood spraying onto the windshield. Mike looked at him with accusation in his eyes. Lightning flashed again and the thunder crashed against his body. He was standing outside the barn at the Reclaimers’ base with Mila’s body lying in the pool of light cast by the outside lamp. Her lifeless eyes stared up at him, a silent scream on her lips. Then her face shifted and her hair changed to blonde, and he was kneeling on the ground with Felicia’s head in his hands, the bullet hole in her head that he had put there. Another flash of light and he stood over the beaten and bloodied body of his father, crimson pooling in the hay around him. James could feel the disappointment emanating from his father’s body. Blackness. His mother’s body, disfigured and beaten, lay on the cold hard cement. She was splayed in a broken heap. Blood covered most of her and the rest was bruised from the abuse she’d been through in her final hours. He’d failed them all, and he would fail the rest.
In the midst of the darkness consuming him, there was a small prick of light. Something tickled the back of his mind, something his mom had said at the end.
“Don’t let this moment define you. Keep your faith. Promise me.”
The words rang in his head. Even in all her pain, she hadn’t been worried about herself. She knew where she was going and that it was much better than this place. Instead, she was worried about them and what their parents’ deaths would do to them. She’d known it would send them down a dark path, and she’d made sure her last words were of encouragement. The memories and images faded from his mind and he found himself lying in the mud, cold rain pouring down from the sky.
James curled into a ball and wept.
22
Quick to Forget
Connor exited the infirmary, stopping on the top step under the overhang of the roof. Rain poured down as lightning flashed across the sky. His brother had been out here for hours and it was now dark. Connor knew he shouldn’t be worried. Nothing could happen to James within the fence, but he was anyway. He’d thought that being here and settling into a normal routine would help James deal with what was going on inside him, but it almost seemed like it was getting worse. Connor had always had an easier time keeping his emotions inside, but James tended to wear his on his sleeve. He knew his brother was hurting and it scared him that he didn’t know how to help. But how could he help?
Connor was dealing with the same crap, but he just pushed it deeper whenever it came up. The difference was that he could contain it without any side effects, while his brother was manifesting these episodes. James had seemed convinced that he was past them, and yet Connor had a feeling that wasn’t the case. Something had happened in the last few days that had shaken his brother to the very core. James’d had another episode, he just knew it.
After scanning in front of the building, Connor stepped out into the rain. He pulled his coat tighter and flipped the hood up, heading towards the back of the building. He was confident James wouldn’t leave the grounds. He’d stay close for Tank, even if he was pissed at him. Going around the side, Connor looked at the back lawn. There was a small playground and a set of swings, but he didn’t see James. Where would he have gone? Lightning flashed, illuminating the playground and something on the ground by the swing set. He walked over to get a better look.
“Oh, brother,” Connor whispered.
James sat on the ground, his back against one of the poles of the swing set. His legs were pulled up to his chest and his head was bowed. It was the exact picture of someone who was defeated. Anger rose up in Connor. How could his brother be this weak? Why couldn’t he just pull himself together? If he didn’t do something about this, it would defeat him entirely. He stood only a few feet away from his brother, and James showed no sign that he even knew he was there. James needed to toughen up. This wasn’t the way to deal with all of this.
Is holding it all inside any better? said a part of his mind.
He was not his brother and his brother was not him. However similar they were and no matter how strong their bond, they weren’t the same. They both had their own strengths and weaknesses. James had always felt more, while Connor had been able to push through all the obstacles, shoving his own feelings down. They would eventually burst through the walls containing them, but that didn’t happen often. As he stood above James, the anger faded, replaced by a deep compassion for his brother. James was doing the best he could, and maybe this was the better way to handle it. Or maybe not.
Connor walked closer and sat down in the mud next to his brother, putting an arm around his shoulders. James looked over, tears mixing with the raindrops on his face. His eyes were pleading, like he was hoping Connor could fix all this.
“How are we supposed to keep going?” James asked in a whisper.
“We just do,” Connor said.
“But how?” James asked again.
“I just shove it all down and continue forward, but that’s never worked for you.”
“Then what works for me?”
Connor shrugged. “That’s something you have to figure out.”
James was silent for a while. “I had another episode.”
“I know.”
“I had one last night, too.”
“I could tell.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“What good would it do? I see now that you have no control, so saying something won’t help.”
“I thought I was healed. I knew I was healed.”
“James, you’ve always been quick to trust, quick to have faith. I’ve envied that about you. But you’re also always quick to forget. Just because you had another couple episodes doesn’t mean you weren’t healed.”
“But if I was healed, I shouldn’t be having them.”
“Maybe, or maybe it just means you have the power to stop them from happening now.”
“I couldn’t stop these.”
“Couldn’t you?” Connor said, and James looked at him like he was crazy. “I’m just saying maybe there was something you could’ve done.”
“Like what?”
“Did you try praying?” Connor asked.
“I… well, no.”
“Try that next time. It may help. Remember, the Bible says that God won’t allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle. He’ll always give us a way to overcome it. Maybe this is the same.”
“Maybe
,” James said, taking a deep breath and shivering.
Connor stood up, offering his hand to his brother. James took it and pulled himself to his feet, giving his brother a hug.
“You got this, bro,” Connor said. “You’ll figure it out. I know you will.”
“Thanks,” James said as they separated. “I love you, Connor.”
“I love you, too,” Connor said. “Now let’s get the hell inside and get some dry clothes on.”
“That’d be nice,” James said. “And maybe finish off some of those leftovers.”
“You may have to fight Tank for those.”
James chuckled and Connor could tell that a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Whether he’d just needed to cry in the rain and let it all out or Connor had helped him realize some things, he was feeling better now, which helped Connor feel better, too.
23
Finally Living
Post-outbreak day 20
Tank exited the infirmary, James and Connor by his side. Dr. Nelson had just released him with a clean bill of health—he wasn’t infected. He couldn’t lie, not even to himself. Last night had been a long one. He kept waking up after having vivid nightmares about turning and eating the people he cared about the most. The sun rose over the clouds in front of him and he stared at it in wonder. Was it just him, or was this the most beautiful sunrise ever? A little over twelve hours ago he hadn’t been sure he was going to survive to see another sunrise.
He walked down the steps and the brothers followed him. Connor had come back with James last night a couple hours after James left. He’d apologized for the outburst, but Tank knew there was more to it. James was going through some serious shit, and he couldn’t fault him for it. They’d stayed up late into the night, talking about how they should proceed. It’d come down to the fact that until the Reclaimers were dealt with, they couldn’t leave safely, but that brought up another question. How would they deal with the Reclaimers? They all knew Jezz would try something again soon and they’d need to be prepared. But they didn’t know what she’d try or when, or how many others she had with her. They were fairly confident after talking to Emmett and the others that they’d taken out all but a few of them. Had she recruited more? They exited the gate and the guards took James’s badge he’d used the night before.
The Brother's Creed (Book 4): Bad Company Page 14