by Nikita Singh
When he had exhausted his adrenaline burst, he found himself slowing down in front of a familiar house. He kept sitting in the car, breathing hard, trying to get his chaotic emotions under control. This was the end. Things had been over between Deepti and him a long time ago, but it was official now. Their lives were going in different directions, and there was no way they could go back to being what they were once no matter how good it was or how much he wished they would. They were independent of each other now, free.
Then why did he not feel free? Why did he feel so trapped?
He honked one more time before getting out of the car. The front gate was locked. ‘No. No, no, no,’ he muttered, before yelling, ‘LAVANYA!’ He was lost. He did not know where to go from there. He knew he could not go back home; Shreela would grill him for hours till he told her what was wrong and then she would treat him differently. He did not want to take away from her pre-wedding bliss. And if he got back on the road again, he would probably kill someone or get himself killed. ‘Lavanya!’ he shouted again.
He shook the metal gate, making it rattle.
‘Lavanya!’
The small porch light came on and front door opened. He saw Mrs Suryavanshi search the source of the commotion in the darkness. ‘Who is there?’
‘Aunty, is Lavanya home?’
‘Shourya? Is everything okay?’
‘Yes. Is Lavanya home?’ he asked again.
‘Lavi!’ Mrs Suryavanshi called, turning towards the upper floor balcony. ‘I’ll go get her.’
A minute later, Lavanya appeared at the door, wearing a black sweatshirt and grey sweatpants. She padded towards the gate on bare feet and unlocked it.
‘Shourya? What’s going on?’ she asked. She looked up at him and examined his face. ‘Are you all right?’
He pulled the gate open and took a step towards her. The words were caught in his throat. He was not the type of person who cried, but the concern in Lavanya’s voice brought him dangerously close to tears. He pursed his lips and shook his head.
‘Hey, Sho—’
Before she could finish, he had pulled her into a hug. They stood like that for a long time—Shourya resting his head over her shoulder, his eyes closed, leaning on her, his breath coming in short, crisp gasps. Eventually, he could feel some of the tension exiting his body. He felt Lavanya’s arms tighten around him before she let go.
‘Shourya?’ her voice was muffled.
‘Hmm?’
‘As much as I love standing here out in the cold and dark with you, I can’t feel my toes any more.’
Shourya snorted and released her.
‘Seriously. You need to learn how to hug someone a head shorter than you; you’ll choke someone to death some day. Can we go inside now? I am freezing here.’
‘You, melodramatic creature, you,’ Shourya returned, his lips curving slightly.
‘I did make you smile though.’ She looked very pleased with herself.
Shourya let her drag him inside with her.
6
Lavanya shut the door to her bedroom and turned to Shourya. She had seen him this agitated before, and it had always been momentary. He used to get in and out of that zone very swiftly. But she could sense something deeper that night. His ears were red and she had felt his body tremble when he had hugged her.
‘Could it be any darker in here? What are you doing, saving electricity or something?’ Shourya commented, glancing around the room. He picked up a book from her desk and flipped the pages before placing it back and turning his attention to her oversized headphones.
He was looking everywhere other than at her. But Lavanya was not about to let it go. She sat down at the foot of the bed and watched him. He was now studying her iPad. ‘What can your passcode be?’
‘Shourya.’
‘Hmm?’
‘Look at me.’
He glanced at her, without making eye contact and then focused on her iPad again. He kept the gadget back and looked at the ceiling, exhaling loudly.
‘Come here,’ Lavanya coaxed. ‘Talk to me.’
Shourya walked towards the window and plonked down on the windowsill. When he pulled open the drapes, pieces of paper flew from behind it and landed on the floor. ‘Oh, sorry.’ He bent to pick them up, but Lavanya rushed and gathered them up before him.
‘What is that?’ he asked.
‘Nothing.’
‘Then why are you hiding it? Show me.’
‘Fine. First you tell me what is going on with you,’ she said, trying to keep calm. She reclaimed her position at the foot of the bed, discreetly slipping one of the sheets of paper under the covers, while folding the rest and keeping them on her lap.
Shourya eyed the papers she was holding. He seemed to think for a minute, before saying, ‘Fine. I was going to tell you anyway.’
He sat next to her on the bed and sighed, as if to prepare himself.
‘Go on,’ she prodded.
‘Can you not look at me like that?’
‘Like what? With my eyes? That is how I see things.’
‘Haha,’ he said dryly. ‘Seriously. You can’t look at me or interrupt me. I’ve never talked about this . . . stuff before. Stop looking at me like that.’
‘How can you tell I am looking at you? You are staring at that vase!’ Lavanya could feel her frustration mounting with all the secrecy and weirdness.
‘I can feel your eyes burn into me.’
‘Oh, shut up!’
‘Just stop looking at me, okay? You stare at the vase too.’
Lavanya looked away from him, giving up. This was not how people talked, looking away from each other. But something was upsetting him and she wanted to help, so she did as he asked. ‘Staring at the vase. Feel free to start whenever . . .’ she said, and saw him nod out of the corner of her eyes.
He spoke up after a minute. ‘When you left, it was as if you’d not just left the country, but the planet. I know you wanted to get out of here desperately and I know you had a lot on your hands, trying to adjust to living in a foreign country by yourself and your studies, but . . . anyway. I saw her in my first semester. This girl, she was amazing. You remember Kara, the girl I dated briefly back in high school? I used to think I was in love with her, but when I saw Deepti I realized what I felt for Kara wasn’t really love. Not even close. Do you know what I’m saying?’ He suddenly turned to Lavanya.
‘Not entirely, but mostly.’ She continued staring at the vase. ‘I am not allowed to speak and ask questions though, am I?’
‘What I mean is, I thought breaking up with Kara was tough, but when I met Deepti, it was as if everything changed. We were put in the same project in our second semester and I could not stand being around her but not with her. It was torture. She was in a long-term relationship with this guy, her high school sweetheart. I tried to stay away from her when I found out about them. But I couldn’t. And then, when we became friends, I could see how unhappy she was with him. I couldn’t bear to see her so sad all the time.’
‘Ugh. Tell me you did not.’
‘You’re not supposed to speak!’ Shourya snapped.
‘You did not break them up, did you? That is not a nice thing to do.’
‘I didn’t do anything. Not anything she didn’t want, anyway. We were getting closer to each other every day, and I could tell she had developed feelings for me too. So one day, I told her how I felt.’
‘Not cool.’
‘What was I supposed to do?’ Shourya demanded. ‘Hide my feelings forever? And see her hurt and sad because of her asshole boyfriend every single day? He was possessive, overbearing, insecure. He was paranoid and he let out all his bullshit on her every day. Her eyes were swollen from crying all the time, she stopped coming to college regularly. Her performance in tests was going down. When she was not there, I realized she deserved so much better than him; I knew she should be with me. I would never hurt her the way he did!’ he finished, his tone urgent towards the end.
Lavanya chose to stay silent.
‘Anyway. Their relationship came to its inevitable end. It took me about six months after that to convince her to go out with me. I couldn’t have been happier, Lavanya. It was so great.’ Shourya sighed.
Lavanya felt a pang of envy. They had spent all their time together for years, but she had missed out on so much after she left Delhi. They were in school when Shourya began dating Kara, and it was nowhere as intense as this thing with Deepti sounded. She had liked Kara, but never thought she was worthy of him. They were too uninvolved in each other’s lives. It was as if they were playing each other’s boyfriend and girlfriend simply because everyone in school was doing it, without any real feelings for the other.
‘We were together throughout college. Towards the end, I started preparing for my GRE. You know how you always talked about Harvard Law School? Somehow, I think it seeped into my mind and became my dream too. Not law, of course. I wanted to join a master’s programme in business finance from there. I think the thought first occurred to me after you left. I wanted to come there too. Four years after you, but still,’ Shourya chuckled.
Lavanya found herself smiling. She had hated herself for deserting him the way she had.
‘Towards the end of college, I convinced Deepti to come with me too. I tutored her, and we took our tests together. I know she did not care as much about Harvard as I did, or even studying abroad for that matter. Her score wasn’t good enough for Harvard, but she did get into a bunch of other great universities. UC Berkeley was the only university we both cracked. So—’
‘No!’ Lavanya burst out.
‘What?’
‘Tell me you did not give up Harvard for a girl!’ She spat out the last word as if it were poison.
‘I loved her, Lavanya. You can’t imagine how it was. I would have done anything for her. I really, really loved her.’
‘Enough to pass up on your dream university, evidently,’ she said, gritting her teeth. ‘Yet you say loved. Past tense . . .’
‘I did everything I could. I gave her everything she wanted, everything I had.’ Shourya’s voice was low. Lavanya could not help turning to look at him.
He exhaled loudly and fell back on the bed, avoiding her eyes, his own trained on the ceiling. She looked at him. His tall frame was unfolded on her bed and his feet touched the floor. She could see his chest rise and fall as he breathed. He was dressed sharply, in a blue shirt and black trousers. But the first two buttons of his shirt were undone and the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His dinner jacket was now lying on the only chair in her room. He was probably on his way to or coming from somewhere, but something had messed his night up.
She lay down next to him and asked, ‘What happened?’ She continued looking at him, and he kept his eyes closed.
‘She says she fell in love with my roommate in grad school . . .’ Shourya gulped.
Lavanya put her hand on his, and squeezed. He did not respond. As he told her the details, it seemed as if he was in some other world, one he did not like visiting. She continued to hold his hand nonetheless.
‘I saw them together shortly after. She cried, she begged and pleaded. She wanted me to forgive her and take her back. I tried . . . but I couldn’t do it,’ Shourya balled up his hands in a fist, locking Lavanya’s hand inside. ‘Meanwhile, Avik obviously found out the entire story and was more forgiving towards Deepti. Their relationship was new and exciting, and she had not betrayed his trust as much as she had mine. Later, she went back to Avik while I was away for my internship.’
‘How long ago was this?’
‘Eight months,’ Shourya said, and then rushed to add, ‘I know. I know that’s a lot, and I should have been over this by now, but . . . they got engaged, Lavanya. I found out tonight.’
‘Did you not know they were still together?’
‘I did. Trust me. I live in the same apartment with them, so I do know.’
‘What!’
‘Yup. Could not afford to move out at the time. I was still a student. So I had to see their love blossom in front of my eyes,’ Shourya opened them now and looked at Lavanya. ‘But I was not prepared for this—them getting engaged.’
Lavanya’s heart sank. What had happened to him was cruel. Yet she did not know what to say. She sat up on the bed, her lips pursed in anger. ‘She sounds like a delight, really, but she’s a bitch.’
‘Lavanya!’ Shourya sat up too.
‘What do you want me to say?!’ Lavanya was livid. ‘She has been a total jerk, playing you around from the beginning. First, leaving her boyfriend—any girl who dumps her boyfriend for you is likely to dump you for another guy too. Second, stringing you along for six months before agreeing to go on a date with you. Third, not making you go to Harvard. Fourth, lying to all your friends about your relationship. Fifth, cheating on you with your roommate. Sixth, asking you to take her back but then eventually going back to boyfriend number three. And all this is from what I’ve heard about her in just the last half hour. I’m sure the list gets longer on longer acquaintance.’
‘You are judging her. She made some mistakes, but she is a good person.’
‘Shourya Kapoor, are you defending your bitch ex-girlfriend right now?’ Lavanya could not believe this was happening. How could someone do so many bad things to you, but you still stand up for them, defend their every action?
‘It’s not like that. What if she really did fall in love with Avik? What could she have done—?’
‘She could have talked to you!’ Lavanya said in exasperation. ‘Certainly not cheat on you. Or lie to that other fellow. Not been so ungrateful about the things you did for her. And you, do you see what you are doing here? After all that she’s done to you, you still can’t hear a word against her. It’s like she has this power over you— ’
Shourya interrupted Lavanya by raising his hand, ‘Okay, fine. Fine! I get it. She’s a horrible person. She did a terrible thing to me. But how do I get past that? This is insane. It has been eight months, and I am exactly where she left me. God, this is so humiliating, admitting out loud to someone that I am having trouble moving on from my ex.’
‘Shut up. This is me, Shourya,’ Lavanya folded her legs and sat facing him. ‘You can tell me anything. And this is clearly something big for it to have affected you the way it has. You cannot ignore it and go on living life as if it never happened, like nothing’s wrong.’ Lavanya paused, realizing the hypocrisy in what she was saying.
‘Men are not supposed to be so affected by stuff like this,’ Shourya mumbled.
‘That’s true only for men who are douchebags and don’t care about things that matter. You are not one of them. She is someone you’ve loved for years. You probably had your entire life planned in your head. When something like this happens . . . it ought to change you. And I think . . .’ Lavanya sighed. ‘See, I am no expert on this relationship stuff; I’ve never been in one. But I really do think that the only way you are going to get past this and move on is if you acknowledge that it happened, and that it changed you. You can never go back to being who you were before this, but you can be better.’
‘Wow. You have become quite the philosopher,’ Shourya said, offering a tentative smile.
‘Shut up! This is serious.’
Shourya fell silent. He watched the changing expressions on Lavanya’s face. He knew she was right. He had never shared all this with anyone. Nor had he expected to feel better after doing it. Surprisingly, talking about it had taken his mind off Deepti and Avik’s engagement. He was only thinking about how his story must look like to a third person.
It gave him some much-needed perspective. Maybe there was a way out of this mess, after all.
‘I am glad I told you,’ he said softly. When I saw those engagement pictures tonight, I don’t know . . . I could not think of where else to go . . .’
‘I am glad you told me too. And that you came here.’ Lavanya squeezed his hand, the hand she had been holding all this while.
/> ‘Will you help me? I need to get out of this . . . this thing, man. It’s killing me.’
‘I will do whatever I can to help. But like I said, I do not know much about this stuff.’
‘You clearly know more about this stuff than me. I could use some help.’
‘I do have an idea.’
‘I’m already scared.’
Lavanya laughed. ‘I make all your relationship decisions from now.’
‘That’s too much power.’
‘That is what the deal is. Take it or leave it.’
‘Ferocious, aren’t you? I can totally picture you as the PMS corporate lawyer right now,’ Shourya winked.
Lavanya ignored his mutilation of PSM. ‘Do we have a deal?’
‘We do. Now, shake on it.’
‘You have to let go of my hand for that. Honestly, Kapoor, the blood flow to my right hand has been cut off for an hour now.’
Shourya released her hand and they shook hands to seal their deal. ‘Now it’s your turn. Show me what you’ve got hidden there. I may get distracted, but I never forget.’
Lavanya got up, clutching the papers in her hand, and walked away from the bed.
‘You cheater! I told you, now it’s your turn. You know I’m not going to let you get away with this,’ Shourya got up and lunged for the papers.
Lavanya pulled them away, but said, ‘Fine, fine. Only because fair is fair. Here.’
Shourya read out what was on it. ‘Learn to play the guitar. Meet Salman Khan. Get a piercing . . . What is this? Some sort of a to-do list?’
‘Yup.’ Lavanya’s face turned red.
Shourya laughed. ‘Go on a date with Vishal Madhogharia? Seriously? That cricket captain from high school? I didn’t know you had the hots for him.’
‘Give it back to me.’ Lavanya tried to snatch it back, but he raised his arms up, making it impossible for her to reach the paper. ‘You cannot judge me based on this. These lists are from years ago. I used to randomly scribble down stuff I wanted to do some day. I was sixteen . . . maybe seventeen then.’
‘Then what are you doing with this now?’