by Nikita Singh
‘Wow . . . ’ Lavanya sighed.
‘I know!’ Shourya groaned as he lay down next to her on the bed. His house was crawling with relatives from all around the country and friends that were staying over the night for Shreela’s bidaayi in the morning. Shourya had refused to let Lavanya go.
‘So glad your mom kept this room locked for you. Cannot imagine being around so many people any longer,’ Lavanya mumbled sleepily.
‘Mmm.’
‘It was fun, right?’
‘Mmm-hmm.’
‘I have never danced so much before.’
There was no response from Shourya. She turned on her side and faced him. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed. Lavanya poked his arm. He did not stir. She poked him again. Nothing. Lavanya propped herself up on an elbow and observed him. His chest was rising and falling evenly, his eyes were shut and his face relaxed. He must have been exhausted, to fall asleep as soon as he lay down. Lavanya poked his arm repeatedly till he woke up, startled.
‘Huh? What . . . what?’ he blurted.
‘I have never danced so much before.’ Lavanya smiled.
‘I was sleeping,’ Shourya said, feeling disgruntled.
‘Were you?’ Lavanya feigned ignorance. ‘I thought you wanted to talk to me. If you wanted to sleep, why did you ask me to hang back?’
‘Because I wanted you around.’ Shourya sat up against the head rest grudgingly and rubbed his eyes. ‘My neck hurts.’
‘My entire body hurts.’
‘Why does your body hurt? You didn’t do anything, except dance a little. I’ve been busting my ass all day every day for two weeks.’
‘Please. It was hardly little. But I have to give it to you—you did a great job with the wedding arrangements. Not a single flower out of place.’ Lavanya stifled a yawn as she sat up in front of Shourya.
‘Actually, there were some flowers out of place,’ Shourya confided. ‘Manav’s father’s cousin’s friend felt disrespected because he wasn’t greeted with a garland like the rest of the baraatis. We over-prepared for everything. We were told to arrange to receive sixty baraatis. I ordered a hundred garlands, and we were still one short!’
Lavanya chuckled. ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it. He sounds like someone creating a nuisance just because. Besides, I don’t understand why garlands would matter to someone. They all take them off in about five seconds.’
‘I don’t know. They look for “respect” in these things or whatever.’
‘I guess.’
Shourya’s eyes were red, and sad. Seeing him watch as Shreela and Manav got married, she could see how it had affected him. She had seen his jaw clench and stay that way till the time it was over. He had not looked at Lavanya the entire time, but he hadn’t let go of her hand either.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘You look shaken up.’
Shourya’s eyes met hers. ‘I’m okay, I’m okay. Only . . . I was so caught up with the preparations that . . . when I had time to sit down and see . . .’
‘Do you think they are not going to be happy . . .?’
‘No, no, of course not. They adore each other. They are kids, but they’ll figure it out. Manav has a lot of work cut out for him.’ Shourya laughed.
‘He seems so much in love with Shreela. Did you see how he kept whispering something in her ear? They were giggling so much! I think the priest even got offended at one point.’ Lavanya ran her fingers over the edge of Shourya’s sherwani. It was a dark shade of maroon that shone under the light. ‘Is this silk?’
‘I think so. Listen, can we sleep now? I am exhausted.’
‘It is already. Shreela’s bidaayi is in an hour. Will you be able to wake up if you go to sleep now?’ Lavanya asked. A portion of his neck was exposed just above the collar of his sherwani. The maroon silk next to his skin offered a contrast she could not tear her eyes away from.
‘I guess it’s better to stay up till the bidaayi. I’m going to sleep for ten hours after she leaves and it’s finally over.’
‘Makes sense.’ She nodded, still staring at his neck.
Shourya stretched, his joints cracking. ‘How do you guys handle the cold in these clothes? Half of your body is exposed.’ He pointed to her stomach.
‘Stop looking at my exposed body.’
‘Then stop showing it!’
‘I’m wearing a sari to a wedding. That is what I am expected to do. And saris expose tummies. You’re the one staring!’ Lavanya felt her ears get warm. She hoped they were not turning red as well.
‘Ah, you don’t have anything to hide. You have a nice tummy.’
‘Don’t call it a tummy. That makes it sound fat.’
‘I said tummy because you said tummy,’ Shourya grinned.
‘I said tummy because the word is asexual. Reminds me of cute little girls.’
‘Why were you thinking about cute little girls’ tummies?’
‘I wasn’t!’ Lavanya glared at Shourya. ‘God! Will you stop? Women don’t get affected by the cold weather once they are all dressed up. Simple as that.’
‘Okay. I was just asking.’ Shourya raised his hands in surrender.
Lavanya tried to find something other than her stomach to talk about. Sitting down was not the best position for stomachs to look flat and she could not keep it sucked in much longer. She rearranged the pallu of her sari over herself to hide whatever little she could.
‘What’s new with you? Anything on the ex-girlfriend front?’ she asked, looking to change the topic.
‘As a matter of fact, she called.’ Shourya was no longer looking at Lavanya.
‘What? Why didn’t you tell me? We are supposed to talk about every new development.’
‘I was trying not to think about it.’
‘Did you take her call?’
‘Yes.’ Shourya’s voice was low.
‘And? What did she want?’
Shourya was quiet for a few minutes, then he looked up at Lavanya. ‘She wants us to get back together. She said Avik took her away on a cruise and proposed to her and she panicked. She did not know what else to do but say yes, so she did. She thought that if she did not say yes right away, there would be another big fight between them. She said she thinks Avik is insecure and doesn’t trust her.’
‘I think Avik is right to be insecure when it comes to her. She agreed to marry him, took the ring, and then she is calling you to get back together? Not someone anyone should trust.’
Shourya started to say something. ‘I—’
‘Including you.’
‘She is not that kind of a person—’
‘Shourya Kapoor, are you really thinking about taking her back?’ Lavanya could not believe what she was hearing.
‘I have known her for so many years, Lavanya. It is not that simple. I know the kind of person she is. She messed up and she is confused and scared and . . . I don’t know. She is just trying to figure things out.’
‘I don’t believe this! How can you let her get under your skin like this? You are still taking her side, as if she’s never wronged you.’ Lavanya was furious at him. He knew what Deepti could do to him—he had already been through it once. How could he even think of letting her do that to him again?
‘I am not taking her side. I am just saying that everybody makes mistakes. She was confused and . . . When you’ve known someone for as long as I knew Deepti, you can’t judge them based on any one thing they did. She did something horrible to me, but she also did so many good things. She was with me for so long. We’ve been through a lot together.’
‘I know that. I get that. You were together for six years, you must have been very close. She must have done a lot of good things for you, but so did you for her, right? And in the end none of it mattered to her.’
‘You can’t judge her like this!’ Shourya cried.
‘I can and I will. You obviously cannot think clearly when it comes to her, so someone has to do it for you.’
‘You only want to see
the bad in her. She was going through something she did not understand. It was a new country, we had new friends, new lives. She made a mistake . . .’
Lavanya sighed. ‘Fine, you’re right, I have blinkers on when it comes to her, I only want to see what she did wrong. But that’s because you’re the one I care about. She means nothing to me. It is not my job to worry about her or what she was going through then or what she wants now. I only care about what you want. And that is what we need to figure out.’
Shourya held his face in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees while he sat in front of Lavanya, who refused to let up. He could see where she was coming from; she was only trying to protect him, but he could not help but feel angry at her too. He had been trying not to bring it up since they’d met in the grocery store. It had happened years ago, there was no point in bringing it up.
‘She was with me through the hardest years of my life.’
‘Shourya, look at the big picture. Look at what happened in the end and then decide. Do you want to make yourself go through all that again?’ Lavanya asked. She was sitting in front of him, Indian style, leaning towards him and gesturing wildly as if she was talking to a crazy person.
As if he was the one who didn’t understand.
‘She was there when I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. Up until then, I’d had a relatively easy life, no big challenges or decisions to take. When I got out of school, I joined the best engineering college that I got accepted to. But what next? I had no plans. She encouraged me to do whatever I wanted; she was confident that I would succeed. She shared my dream . . . We took the journey together. We worked for it together and we reached it,’ Shourya said quietly.
‘But you didn’t! She held you back. Harvard was your dream, not Berkeley!’
‘UCB was amazing. It was good for me. Everything I know, I learned there.’
‘Yes, I am sure it was great. But you had to settle for it, only because she did not get into Harvard.’
Shourya could see Lavanya getting more and more agitated.
‘It was a stupid childish wish, not a real dream. UCB gave me everything Harvard offered—’
‘You told me Harvard was your dream. Just last week, you told me. What changed?’
‘I guess I only wanted to focus on what I gave up for Deepti so I could hate her more. I did not want to think of all the things I got because of her, with her. Now when I think about it, I can’t help but wonder if my dream of going to Harvard really mattered to me.’
‘Shourya, I don’t understand.’ Lavanya spoke softly. She reached out and took both of Shourya’s hands in hers.
Shourya looked at their hands—hers, small and pale and cold, holding his. ‘Fourteen years, Lavanya. From the day I met you in kindergarten, till the day we left school—we were together every day. I was used to having you around all the time. But you were obsessed with Harvard; you couldn’t wait to finish school and run off there. And then all you could think of was getting away from your father and the people in school who bullied you.’
‘Shourya, don’t do this,’ Lavanya said in a quiet voice.
‘You can’t run away from this, Lavanya. Running away is your solution to everything, but I won’t let you. Not this time.’
Lavanya pulled her hands back and moved away from him.
‘I was there too,’ Shourya continued. ‘I was with you, all the fucking time, never letting anyone so much as pass a comment on you. I tried to protect you from them as much as I could. I know it was tough. All our classmates teaming up against you, making fun of you because of your father’s relationship with Mrs Dey . . . I know how hard it was for you . . . but I was there, dammit!’
Lavanya nodded.
‘I went through what you went through. Every snide remark that reached your ears reached mine too. And believe it or not, it hurt me just as much as it did you. But you were so caught up in your own pain that you didn’t see any of that, did you? You were hell-bent on getting out of there and never looking back. On leaving everything and everyone behind and starting over. I was just another casualty,’ Shourya shrugged, remembering the time she’d told him that she got a call from Harvard.
‘Don’t say that!’ Lavanya protested.
‘You were so happy. I bet you didn’t think of me even once. I had promised myself I wouldn’t hold you back, but I slipped once, didn’t I? Do you remember? When we were shopping for those big bags you needed to take to the US? I could see it happening in front of my eyes. For the first time, I realized that it was time. You were going. I had to stop you. I begged you to stop. I didn’t know how to function without you. For as long as I could remember, I had always had you around. You were my best friend, brother, sister, constant companion—everything. I couldn’t imagine living without you.’
Shourya moved closer to Lavanya. He held her chin and made her look at him. ‘You knew how I felt about you . . . and you asked me not to say it. You told me to keep it to myself, if I cared about you, and you told me to let you go because that was the only thing that could make you happy. That you would die if you had to live here for one more day.’
Shourya got up. He could not look at her any more. She was crying. He felt like such a heel for bringing up something that happened such a long time ago and blaming her for it, when he had seen first-hand what it had been like for her. She had only been trying to find a way to exist without going through torture every day. Even when school was finally over, she had to live with her father and as soon as she saw him, everything came flooding back to her. Keeping it a secret from her mother had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. The whole school knew, and openly ridiculed her, but it fell on Lavanya to look after her mother. She did not know whether to tell her or not. In the end, she could not do it. Everyone knew her family was dysfunctional, broken, but she could not bring herself to actually break it.
‘I did not mean to hurt you the way I did . . . Shourya . . .’ her voice trembled.
‘I know. I know,’ Shourya nodded, moving away. He started pacing the floor. ‘But you did. I know you were only seventeen and you had a lot to deal with. But I was seventeen too! And when I lost you . . . You said we would keep in touch, that we would talk all the time,’ he said, barely able to keep the accusation out of his tone. ‘It took you a week to give me your number! And afterwards you never answered my calls or texts. You cut me off completely. Do you know what I went through? Do you have any idea? You were alone in a foreign country, you knew no one there, and you wouldn’t talk to me or your parents—I was worried sick about you.’
‘But I told you not to worry. I was okay. I took care of myself.’
‘Yes, but I didn’t know that! I missed you terribly. All I could think of was finding a way to be with you. Getting into Harvard seemed the best way to do that. I hadn’t taken any entrance exams or anything—I didn’t even know what course I would study. When the engineering entrance results came out, Dad made me join college. That was when I started planning for a master’s at Harvard. It was a misguided plan from the very beginning.’ Shourya looked up and released a long breath. ‘And then I met Deepti. I made the same mistake that I’d made with you; I made her my life. But I wasn’t like you. I could not leave her behind when college ended. She had not planned for her future after graduating, so I gave her a plan.’
Shourya stopped walking and stood in front of Lavanya, who was sobbing softly into her hands, facing away from him.
‘You do not get to make my decisions when it comes to Deepti. You’re no better than her. Both of you did the same thing to me. You could call what she did worse, you could use the words cheating and betraying and rejecting, but it felt the same to me. You chose something else over me too. You betrayed me too. I felt abandoned and rejected by both of you, and it was heart-breaking for me both times, but with her, at least I had some experience.’
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry . . .’ Lavanya’s arms were wrapped tightly around her body. It was as if sh
e was holding herself together lest she shatter into a million pieces. Her head was bowed, her hair falling around her face, hiding it from view.
Shourya looked away from her. He could not bear knowing he was the reason she was in so much pain. Yet the words came out before he could stop them. ‘At least she came back. At least she loved me back. You . . . you wouldn’t even have talked to me again had I not come to meet you that day at the grocery store. When we met, it was as if nothing had ever gone wrong between us. We picked up right where we had left off. But what happens when this vacation is over? Two more weeks and then you’ll return to your life and I to mine. Will I ever hear from you again? You keep telling me that I should not trust Deepti. Then tell me: Whom to trust? You? You, with your secrets and running away. All you have ever thought about is yourself. At least Deepti realizes what she did. If I can’t trust her, then I should never trust you. You are ten times worse . . . you hurt me ten times more.’
12
Lavanya had nothing to say in her defence. She did not even try to control the sobs that were shaking her body and the tears that dampened her sari. She scratched her face, trying to wipe it with the pallu of her sari, which was heavily embellished with sequins. She gave up and let the tears flow freely down her face.
This was Shourya. She did not need to put up a front for him. If it affected her, she could show him. She did not have to pretend to be strong with him. It was liberating. However, it did not help her feel any less like a monster.
She could feel the anger emanating from Shourya as he sat on the other end of the bed, looking away from her, his back stiff. She was already crying more than she had in years, but something inside of her needed a larger outlet. Tears were not making her feel any better. She wanted to tell him about her disease. She wanted to open up to him and tell him what she was going through. But just when she thought she could not keep it in any more, there was a knock on his door, and Shourya was called out for Shreela’s bidaayi. He left the room without even turning to look at her.