“Apparently he matters.” He looks at the floor and his lower lip comes out. He is pouting. I pull my lips into my mouth to stifle a smile that wants to creep up my face.
“Yes, of course he matters. As my partner and my friend. But I don’t love him.” I get up and walk over to him and take his face into my hands. “Nate, I love you. And you matter more. You matter the most,” I say.
He grabs me hard, putting our bodies in perfect alignment so that I can feel every ridge and ripple of his tight abs. Then he whispers into my hair, “God, I love you.”
“Not any more than I love you,” I assure him.
And with that he lets his towel fall to the floor and we proceed to finish what we couldn’t in bed this morning.
Nate and I spent the rest of the weekend in bed aside from the time we had sex on the couch. And in the kitchen. Oh, and the shower. We took a small break so that he could make dinner for us. By the time he left, our bubble was fully intact and we couldn’t have been happier.
It is only Monday and he hasn’t even been gone twenty-four hours but I miss him like crazy. It’s a good thing Missy was able to start work so quickly because I can stay busy training her this week. I hope the time will fly by.
After work Ryan asks if I want to go rock climbing with him. “Of course, it’s just at the climbing gym,” he says, rolling his eyes, “not even close to the real thing, but I have to do something to get my blood pumping.”
It sounds exciting and I could use something to pass the time until my Skype date with Nate. “Sure,” I tell him, “as long as I’m back by nine.” I grin sheepishly. He knows all about my nightly Skyping with Nate. Well, not all about it.
~ ~ ~
I can barely contain my excitement driving up the Interstate. In a few minutes, I will get to see Nate. I know it’s only been five days since I’ve seen him. Well, actually only eighteen hours since I’ve seen him, but five days since I’ve touched him and that is what matters. His touch, his kiss, his scent. Those are the things I can’t get through a computer. It’s only been three weeks and sometimes I wonder how long we will be able to keep this up. I go crazy without him near me every day. He goes crazy knowing Ryan is around me even though I reassure him every chance I get.
My phone chirps.
Nate: Can’t wait to see you baby. Hurry up and get here. Be safe. But hurry. And don’t text and drive. xoxo
I laugh. I really want to text him back and say ‘then quit texting me’. But I have the feeling he wouldn’t find it so funny. When it comes to my safety, Nate is vigilant. He insisted on adding a security system to my building and had extra deadbolts installed on the apartment doors before he moved. My safety is definitely something that he and Michael have in common. Like Michael, he insists that I have provisions and my phone with me at all times while running.
I take a quick peek at my bracelet and think of the only two men I have loved. I shake my head, still not believing that he designed this for me. Michael’s diamond sparkles brightly when the afternoon sun hits it and I think how much I love Nate for having it made for me.
Minutes later, I honk my horn as I pull up to Nate’s building. The door to his apartment swings open and he runs down the stairs to meet me at my car before I can even turn the engine off. He opens the door for me and reaches down to pick me up out of the car. I grab my purse before he has me completely out. I’m laughing. He’s kissing my neck. I’m locking the car from my key fob. “Guess we’ll get my stuff later.” I giggle.
“Damn right we will,” he whispers in my ear. I lean into his chest and take a deep breath and bask in the scent that is fresh laundry and pure Nate. I’ve missed the smell. I even refused to launder his pillowcase this week because I didn’t want his scent to wash off. But I will never admit that to anyone.
~ ~ ~
This morning I’m once again doing my favorite thing—enjoying being draped in Nathan Riley.
We stayed up late watching horror movies in the buff, eating anything we could find off each other’s bodies—which pretty much consisted of chocolate and peanut butter. We became a messy, sticky, Reese’s cup, but all the cleanup was worth the three orgasms he gave me.
I watch him as he sleeps. His breathing is deep and regular. His hair is spectacularly messy, especially since we went to bed wet from our late-night shower. How this man is able to look incredible twenty-four hours a day is beyond reason. I belatedly notice that he hasn’t shaved in at least a few days. I know he’s done this just for me. He knows I think he looks sexy this way.
My phone chirps out in his living room and I’m careful to untangle myself without waking him. I quietly throw on Nate’s shirt from yesterday and take a second to smell the collar, and then I pad out to check my phone.
It’s a text from Ryan. They are having trouble with the espresso machine again and nobody seems to be able to fix it except me. I call Ryan, hoping to quickly walk them through it so I can get back and enjoy some precious lazy time with Nate, but they can’t seem to explain to me the state the machine is in.
I exhale in frustration and tell them to hang up and Skype me so that I can see what they are doing. I put the phone down and grab my laptop off the floor where all of my stuff landed when we finally got back down to the car late last night. On the way back to the living room, I shut the door to Nate’s room so that we don’t wake him.
It doesn’t take much time to walk them through the repair now that I can see what they are doing. Ten minutes later, it is working again and I hear the collective cheers from some customers. Ryan carries the laptop into the kitchen and sets in on the counter as we say goodbye.
“See you tomorrow night at the gym?” I ask.
“Absolutely, Lyn.” He smiles at me. “You’re the best and you know I love you, right?”
I laugh. “You, too,” I respond and shut the lid to my computer.
Then I jump off the sofa when I hear something shatter behind me. I look over and see that Nate has thrown something onto the glass sofa table, shattering it completely. My eye catches a baseball rolling away, finally coming to a stop when it meets the baseboard.
“W-what happened?” I ask him in horror. “Why did you do that?”
His eyes fill with rage and his fists ball up. The only other time I’ve seen him like this is when that guy in the bar tried to hit on me. “Why do you think I did that, Lyn?”
It’s not lost on me that he uses my nickname.
“You’re meeting him at the gym tomorrow? Right after you leave me?” he yells. “You’re the best, Lyn . . . I love you, Lyn,” he quotes Ryan’s words back to me. He paces around the back of the couch not even caring that his bare feet walk right over some broken glass. “Are you fucking him?”
My jaw drops open and my eyes grow wide. I can’t even believe he just asked me that, after the incredible night we shared; after the declarations of love and whispers of forever in the early hours of the dawn.
“No, of course not!” I shout at him. “Nate, I don’t know what you heard, but Ryan called me from the shop, I had to help them fix the espresso machine again. There is nothing going on between us.” I move to get up and go to him.
“No!” He points at me keeping me from moving. “Don’t touch me. I know what you’re doing. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that every time we talk about him, you distract me so that you don’t have to fess up.”
“Fess up?” I shake my head. “Nate, there is nothing to confess. Ryan is my friend and my partner. That’s all.”
“I’ll bet he hasn’t even signed a new contract yet, has he?” He shakes his head in anger.
“No, but—”
“I didn’t think so,” he interrupts. “What about the gym, and the I love you?” He closes his eyes on the words. “That doesn’t sound like he’s your friend. It sounds like he is your friend with goddamn benefits.”
“Nate, that’s not the way it is.” I sigh. “You know me. I love you. I think that us being apart is causing you to have ins
ecurities based on your past relationships,” I try to reason.
“Do you deny that you use sex to deflect my questions about him?” He looks me hard in the eyes.
“It’s not like that, Nate,” I plead with him. “I would just rather make love with you than waste precious moments fighting about him. Especially when there is nothing to fight about.”
He is pacing around the apartment, his hands frantically running through his hair. “I trusted you, Brooklyn. How could you do this to me?”
I throw my hands up in defeat. “I haven’t done anything to you, Nate!” I huff.
His eyes cloud over and he has a wild look about him. “I can’t believe this is happening again. I knew it wouldn’t last. Nothing good ever does. You were right. We never should have done this.” He reaches his left hand up and blindly rubs his tattoo over and over.
“Happening again?” I ask him. “What do you mean by that?” I rack my brain, watching the rhythmic motion of his hand across his bicep. Then it dawns on me. “You’re not saying I’m like them are you? Claudia and your mom?”
“If the shoe fits,” he says through clenched teeth. I don’t think I’ve ever seen his eyes look so dark and distant.
“Nate, please calm down, you are scaring me. There is nothing going on.” I pick up his phone and walk it over to him. “Call Ryan, he’ll tell you.”
He takes the phone but instead of making the call he sends it flying into the wall. It falls to the floor, crashing into pieces. I know how it feels. My heart is shattering right now as well.
I back away, shocked and hurt by his words and actions. Tears are streaming down my face. He stares at his broken phone. Then he glances over the shards of glass and finally he looks up at me, studying my face and following the trail of my tears as they fall off my chin. He visibly takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly and I think he is calming down. I think he must see how out of control he is. I say a silent prayer that he will snap out of this and realize that in his paranoia, he has conjured up this entire thing in his head.
I’m not prepared in the least for what comes out of his mouth next.
“Him or me,” he says harshly, staring at me with cold, empty eyes.
“What?” I cry. “What are you saying?”
“Him or me,” he repeats. “Your choice. Do you want him or do you want me?”
“You!” I yell at him. “I want you. It’s always been you, Nate,” I say, trying to get through the wall that has come up between us.
“Then leave him. Buy him out. Do whatever it takes to get him out of your life.”
“Nate, that is crazy. He’s my partner, we have a legal contract. Plus, he’s my friend,” I beg.
“Him or me, Brooklyn,” he says flatly.
Oh my God. He is truly and honestly giving me an ultimatum. I close my eyes and my body slumps down into the couch. How can he expect me to choose between my business and him? Because that is what he is doing by asking me to choose him over Ryan. I would never ask that of him, it’s why I couldn’t ask him to stay with me in Savannah.
“If you love me,” I plead with him, “if you really love me, you won’t ask me to choose.”
He remains silent. I watch him stare blankly out the window of his apartment. My broken man, maybe he can’t be fixed. Maybe he is incapable of a relationship. Maybe I can’t live my life with a man who can’t trust me.
I turn and go to his bedroom and quickly put on last night’s clothes. Then I grab my laptop and still-packed bag and head for the front door. I turn to look at him. He hasn’t moved and he is still staring out the window. This is not the man I know. This is not the man I thought I loved.
As I reach out my hand to turn the handle of the front door he says, “So, you’ve made your choice then.”
Sobs threaten to billow from my body, tears stream down my face faster than I can wipe them away. My heart is being ripped apart, just like the one that is carved into his arm.
“No,” I choke out, “you have.”
Then I walk through the door and close it behind me.
Chapter Twenty-nine
I’m not sure how I made the ten-minute drive to Emma’s place. All I can remember is pulling over to lose the contents of my stomach into a ditch along the side of the road.
“Oh my God, Lyn!” Emma shrieks when she answers the door and sees my wrecked state. “What happened?”
I collapse in her arms and sink to the ground, my body shaking uncontrollably. I think Graham must have shown up at some point and carried me inside because I end up settled on the couch, covered by a blanket with a steaming cup of coffee in front of me. I look over at Emma who is patiently waiting for me to say something. She is rubbing her hand soothingly on my back.
I must look a complete and utter mess. I glance down at my wrinkled clothes that are dotted with wet tear stains. I reach up to wipe my eyes and see yesterday’s mascara smudged all over my hands. I run my fingers through the tangles in my hair. God, I must be a sight.
“That slime ball better look a might worse than you or I’ll kick his ass,” she says when she finally speaks.
I look at her and break my own silence. “Graham?” I ask, looking around their apartment.
“He went to Nate’s. I haven’t heard from him yet.” She places her hand on my arm to comfort me.
I spend the next few hours alternating between fits of body-wrecking sobs, telling her what happened and heaving over her toilet.
When Graham finally comes back, I see him shrug and slowly shake his head at Emma. The look in his eyes says it all. I can tell he feels sorry for me and I know what that means.
Nate is done with me.
I have to leave. I have to get out of here but Emma practically forces me into the shower. I guess I don’t blame her, I must smell like vomit. She then drives me back to Savannah in my car with Graham following behind in his SUV. The entire way I try to make sense of what happened. I know he has trust issues but how am I supposed to be with someone who will accuse me of cheating with every man I come in contact with? I try to convince myself that I have done the right thing. I love him, but I won’t let him or any man control me.
~ ~ ~
I wake up Sunday afternoon feeling well rested thanks to the sleeping pill Emma made me take. The first thing that hits me, other than re-living the horrible moments of yesterday morning, is the smell that comes from Nate’s pillow. Tears once again well up in my eyes and I feel sick so I run to the bathroom. Nothing is left in my stomach. I haven’t eaten in thirty-six hours so I just dry heave over the toilet.
I shower and throw on a tank and yoga pants before going in search of my phone. I find Emma and Graham sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and arguing. Emma tells him that he better keep his psycho friend away from me. Graham says that he isn’t a psycho but has trust issues stemming back to his mom. She tells him that Nate better work his shit out if he ever wants to even talk to me again. He agrees with her that we need to stay apart but he admits he’s not sure Nate will ever be able to have a normal relationship.
My heart sinks, yet again. Emma rises to fetch me some coffee and my hands tremble as I lift the mug to my lips. “Did he call?” I ask, eyeing my phone that is sitting on the table between them.
“No, sweetie, he didn’t,” she responds.
“Text?” I ask hopefully.
She shakes her head and lowers her eyes from mine. “I’m so sorry, Lyn.” She moves to my side and guides me to sit down next to her. “But I really think you might have to walk away.” She sighs. “He needs to figure out his life and you need to let him.”
Graham and Emma stay the rest of the day. They comfort me, feed me—well, they try to anyway, I don’t feel much like eating—and they talk me into letting go of Nate, for my own good. For his own good. Who knows how far he would go if he truly thinks I am cheating. Graham tells me what lengths he went to after Claudia cheated on him. He thought Nate might kill the bastard that slept with his ex-wife and Graha
m had to physically restrain him on several occasions until he was able to convince him that Claudia wasn’t worth it. However, Graham does have a point. Maybe Nate thinks I’m worth it. Would he really come after Ryan? I like to think he wouldn’t but if Nate and I aren’t together, he would have no reason to.
I’ve stopped trying to keep the tears from falling, it is a futile effort. I realize that I have to let him go. I have to let him go to protect him from himself. Bile rises in my throat at the thought of never being with him again; never feeling the body that quivers under my touch; never having the heart that worked its way into my soul.
I finally send Emma and Graham on their way after convincing them I’m not suicidal. I take another sleeping pill and hope that it obliterates all thoughts from my mind and gives me temporary peace.
~ ~ ~
The past few weeks I have resembled a robot going through the same motions day after day. I do what it takes to get from morning until night. My head hurts from talking so much when people ask about Nate. I’m tired of telling the story, and although I leave out most of the details anyway, it exhausts me every time.
Exhausted. Yes, that is the one word that describes me. Everything about me is tired. And even though I no longer take sleeping pills, I still sleep at least twelve hours a day. I figure it is my body’s way of getting over Nate. The more I sleep, the less I think of him.
But the thing is, I still think of him. I think of him every waking minute of every day. When I see something funny, I look around for him to see if he is laughing, too. When I run, my mind races with thoughts of his hot, sweaty body. Every morning when I wake up and realize that I’m not in Nate’s arms, I run to the bathroom and get sick. And damn it, if I don’t punish myself by listening to Nickelback’s greatest hits and our song, ‘Be My Reason’, over and over again. I guess I wasn’t really his reason to change. Maybe he wanted me to be, but his love for me wasn’t strong enough.
Be My Reason Page 24