by Kira Blakely
“You can’t tell me that you don’t want this,” I whispered, rolling my hips against hers. I could feel how wet she was. The crotch of her pants slipped up and down over her skin. “Tell me that you don’t want me, and I’ll let you go. Tell me.”
Ava squeezed her eyes shut to hide her emotions. “You know how I feel about you. You’re not stupid, Jude.”
“You’re not stupid, either,” I said softly. I smoothed a hand through her hair. “Come on, Ava. It’s been years. I don’t know how many times I can say that I’m sorry.”
“That’s the thing, though,” she said and opened her eyes to gaze up at me. The bus came to a slow stop a few seconds later. “I do want you. Okay? But it won’t happen. It can’t happen.”
“Why, though?” I demanded hotly. “Why not?”
“Because I see my brother every single time I look at you.”
Those words cut straight through my heart. I didn’t even try to keep a grip on her as she slid out from beneath me to hurry out of the room. I sank down to the edge of the bed and felt the bus shift while they went into the gas station. I heard Chuck question gently if everything was okay but I couldn’t hear Ava’s terse response. It didn’t matter what I did anymore. I couldn’t fix what happened to Andy. I couldn’t mend the grief that tore Ava apart, but I couldn’t ignore the feelings I had for her, either. Andy knew how I felt about his sister. I had told him that summer after Ava and I had finally gone all the way for the first time.
“What’s going on with you and my sister?” Andy asked bluntly.
We were seated on the front porch of my house. Music thumped behind us in the living room. He had watched as Ava stopped halfway down the front porch steps to look back at me with a small and secretive smile that instantly made me want to follow her home. She had looped an arm through Emily’s before hurrying down the street to make curfew.
“Nothing,” I said, sipping my beer. “Why do you ask?”
Andy gave me a sharp look. “I’m not blind, man. I can see that the two of you are together. Why didn’t you tell me that you liked my sister?”
Not just liked. Loved. The word took me by surprise as I gazed over at the rest of the crew gathered around the front of the garage where our dirt bikes were at. Love. I loved Ava James, even though we were the complete opposite of one another. She softened my rough edges in the best ways. I wanted to spend most of my time curled up in her arms with her sweet kisses touching my lips.
“I don’t like her,” I said and looked back at Andy, who frowned at me. “I don’t know how to explain it, bro, but it’s not ‘like.’ It’s something deeper than that.”
“How deep?”
“Your sister is amazing. She’s beautiful. She’s smart. Do you want me to keep going?”
“I know all those traits,” Andy said. “You aren’t using her for sex, right?”
I shook my head at him. “No. Come on, man. I know what the bro code is here. I wouldn’t do that to Ava in the first place because you know too many secrets about me.”
A small grin tugged at Andy’s lips. “I suppose that I do.” Silence stretched between us before he turned to look back at me. “Just don’t break her heart, JJ. I don’t think my sister would be able to handle a broken heart.”
I rubbed at my head with a sigh. He was right. Ava could never come back from a broken heart, but I had time. I had plenty of time to figure this out because I needed Ava in my life. She kept me grounded then… and I prayed that she could ground me again.
Chapter 8
Ava
Chuck was dead on about the excitement. The large arena in Boston was filled to the brim. Every single seat was taken in the stands that surrounded the dirt track full of sharp twists and high piles of dirt for jumping. Seeing it all made my stomach churn nervously as I fiddled with my lanyard that had clearance to everything in the race—including Jude’s own room where he was getting suited up with his team.
I snapped a photo from where I stood at the entrance. The excitement in the air felt like charged electricity. I watched as Jude’s name was splayed out along the various screens throughout the arena, followed by a roar of cheers. There were cameras and sports commentators spread out along the bottom half of the arena seats.
“Hey.”
I jumped when someone touched my shoulder gently. “Shit, Chuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you come up on me like that.”
“Don’t sweat it,” Chuck said, chuckling. “It’s loud as fuck in here. You can’t hear a damn thing.”
“No kidding,” I said. “This is…”
“Amazing, right?” He scanned the arena with a smile. “There are a few locals from the surrounding area. It’s not just big names. JJ has made it a point to make sure start-up racers have a shot with him as well as big-timers.”
“Why is that?”
“Everyone deserves a shot, you know,” Chuck said. “A second chance. Second chances are what got JJ here. You know?”
“The second chance part I knew,” I said. “Who gave him the shot?”
“Another big-time racer who retired a year ago.” Chuck gave me a long and piercing look. “If it’s any consolation, your brother’s death changed how JJ did everything in his life.”
I tore my gaze away from the racetrack with a grim smile. “If it changed him, then I wouldn’t be standing here with you right now.”
I left Chuck standing there at the entrance while I went to my seat in a private booth away from the cameras and fans. It was only for teammates, managers, and close friends and family. I sat down at the very end with my notepad clutched tightly to my chest. The arena felt as though it was thrumming with its own special energy as the roar of dirt bikes started up. I sat on the edge of my seat as the first racer came up to the starting line to wait for the timer to count down. He roared ahead when the light went green, aiming toward the first hill for a jump.
The entire time, I held my breath as each racer progressed into something trickier and more dangerous. It wasn’t until Jude’s name was announced over the PA system that the entire arena stood up on their feet to cheer. Stuffing my fingers into my ears, I rose to my feet as well when Jude entered the track from the entrance down below. This was the first time I had seen him in person, dressed in his gear and helmet. He drove around the arena once, reaching up to slap hands with a few fans that were leaning down to high-five him.
He twisted back around to the starting line effortlessly. My heart pounded hard against my ribcage as I watched the counter tick down to zero, followed by the green light. Jude twisted down hard on the bike in the direction of the dirt hill. I watched breathlessly as he roared up the hill to launch himself and the bike into the air. The notepad slipped from my fingers as the dirt bike twisted around beneath him.
That trick. That damn fucking trick. Of all the things he had to do first.
Every inch of my body trembled with apprehension. I could barely breathe. It was impossible to know if the sound of my heart pounding furiously in my chest was louder than the fans screaming his name in the arena. I tried hard to fight it. I squeezed my eyes shut as Jude caught ahold of the bike to land it effortlessly before twisting around to head for another hill. The pit of my stomach felt sick with nerves.
I picked up my notepad from the dirty, sticky floor to head for the exit. The stadium vibrated with cheers and stomps as I jogged down the concrete steps to the entrance. I hurried out past a few other riders who were lined up for their turn. They were all standing at the entrance to watch Jude with awe-stricken expressions.
I managed to find the only door to the back of the arena down a quiet hallway. Pushing it open, I stepped out into the hot evening air to suck in deep breaths while I tried to calm down my racing heart. I should’ve known. I should’ve known that this was bound to happen after seeing Jude pull off those stupid stunts he used to do all the time in high school. These stunts were entirely different, though. These stunts were precise, but they could be fatal if Jude wasn’t able
to handle them.
Tears filled my eyes as I collapsed to the ground with the arena thundering behind me. I dug my fingers into the ground hard to keep me grounded, to keep my mind from wandering back to that summer, but I was there again. I was there…
“Don’t be fucking stupid,” I cried, tugging on Andy’s arm. “Don’t do it, Andy. You know that you can’t do this trick.”
Andy pushed me away with a dark scowl. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do, Ava. You sound like Mom.”
A hot blast of wind blew around us. A large group of our classmates hung out along the makeshift track. The pit of my stomach twisted with dread as Andy pulled on his helmet and straddled his dirt bike.
“Andy,” I pleaded, looking over to where Jude was standing with the rest of his crew near the trailer. Their eyes were focused on us, but Jude didn’t approach. He wouldn’t approach, either. Not in front of everyone. Fury filled me as I looked back at Andy while he adjusted himself on the seat. “Don’t do this. Jude—”
“Why do you call him that?” Andy snapped. “Everyone calls him JJ. You call him Jude.”
“That’s his name,” I replied, resting a hand on his forearm. “Please. The both of you have been drinking. Don’t do this.”
“I can do it, Ava. Have some faith in me for once.”
I shrank back at that. “I do have faith in you. Why would you say that?”
“Because you’re always cheering on JJ. You’re never cheering for me.”
He revved the engine then. Dirt sprayed my shins as I stood there with tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Don’t be such an uptight baby about it,” one of Jude’s crew members called out. “No need to cry like that.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Jude snarled at them, approaching me. “Don’t talk to my girl like that.”
I leaned into Jude’s chest when he wrapped an arm about my shoulders. I couldn’t bear to watch as I heard Andy take off down the track. “Please, Jude. He’s drunk. He can’t do that trick. You and I both know it.”
“He can do it,” Jude said. “I know Andy. He’s a good rider.”
“But—”
“Here, watch this.” He twisted me around to watch as Andy steered the dirt bike up the hill to catch air. “He’ll twist the bike around, float, and then grab it. We’ve been practicing.”
I held my breath as Andy and the bike separated from one another. His legs were extended backward as though he was flying forward. Time slowed as Andy’s hand reached for the bike but gravity had already set in. The bike was falling away from him fast. Too fast. I prayed for Andy’s fingers to reach forward, to just grab the handle bars, but both were free falling to the ground.
Jude’s arm fell away from my shoulders. He was sprinting ahead of me, but it all seemed so slow when Andy thudded to the ground. His legs and arms flailed about as he rolled down the hill. The dirt bike tumbled down after him. Screams followed. Screeching and horrified screams that I realized were coming out of my own mouth as I ran after the rest of Jude’s crew.
That was when I caught sight of the blood trickling down Andy’s neck from inside his helmet. The dirt bike rested on his chest. I couldn’t look away, even if I wanted, as Jude slid the helmet off Andy’s head. His eyes were already closed while blood trickled out from the side of his mouth.
“Ava?”
I sucked in a wavering breath to control the sobs shuddering through me. Footsteps approached from behind. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I lifted my head from my knees to see Chuck standing in the doorway of the arena’s private exit. He looked down at me sympathetically while I tried to regain composure.
“I’m sure it’s tough being here,” he said. “I tried to tell JJ that it would be better if you stayed away, but he insisted that you come tonight.”
I rubbed at my eyes in frustration. I was done crying over what happened years ago. It didn’t bring Andy back.
“Why? To watch the same stunt that killed my brother?” I laughed bitterly. “To prove his point that he could be the best at it?”
“You know JJ better than I do. Do you think he’s that asinine?”
“No,” I said, letting out a shaky breath. I rested my head against the wall with a sigh. “I don’t think so. I don’t know why he even wants me here.”
“He wants you here because he wants to make it up to you,” Chuck said. Cheers erupted from inside. “It has nothing to do with fame for him. He just wants everyone to see that he made a shitty situation better by hard work.”
I rose to my feet when another set of cheers erupted from inside the arena. The concrete walls even trembled from outside. I caught Chuck’s eyes as I passed by him in the doorway.
“Just for himself,” I said. “He didn’t make it better for anyone else besides himself.”
Bitterness tore at me as I walked along the hallway back to the main entrance. A flurry of movement was followed by the sound of a dirt bike engine. I stopped behind a group of fans who were bouncing excitedly with VIP passes around their neck. Two of them were younger women, no older than nineteen, and dressed in skimpy shorts and tank tops that showed off their perfectly toned bodies. They waved excitedly in Jude’s direction when he handed off his dirt bike to his team of mechanics. He pulled his helmet off, blue eyes gleaming, swung his dark, sweaty mane about, and grinned at them as he stripped out of his protective gear.
They giggled giddily in response. I hugged myself to fight off the surge of jealousy as I tried to pass them in the hallway, but I stopped short when Jude’s eyes landed on me. His grin turned seductive, smug. He started to walk toward me, but the group in front of me surged forward to talk to him eagerly. They handed over what appeared to be pictures of Jude dressed up in his gear from an early photoshoot. It sported the Nike logo on the very top corner. Endorsement deals. Legions of attractive fans. He didn’t need me. He didn’t need anyone.
I turned on my heel sharply to walk in the other direction. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand the cheers or the hype. Any of it. I needed some peace and quiet to get centered again if I was going to travel with this sort of exhibition for the next five cities.
Chapter 9
Jude
It was 11:39 p.m. when I managed to pull away from the backstage party, I headed for the bus parked in the private part of the arena. Several other buses were parked there, too. The celebrations that usually took place after the exhibitions kept everyone in the parking lot afterward. Loud music thumped from inside a few of the buses. A gaggle of young women ran to another tour bus as I kept an eye trained for Ava, who’d managed to disappear twice on me—once during the show, and then a second time backstage.
Anger simmered in me as I stalked through the hot night in the direction of my bus. I had no idea what Ava’s problem was, but I planned on finding out tonight. Part of her job was to get the entire feel of what it was like to live my life. She wanted to write the damn article about me. She’d accepted the job proposal.
It didn’t help that she wanted to fight against any sort of relationship we could have. I never asked for a commitment. I just wanted her for myself, at least for the short period of time we would be together.
The flash of headlights caught my attention. I stopped walking as the black SUV pulled up alongside me. The window rolled down to reveal Chuck, who looked exhausted and sweaty from the entire evening.
“You heading back to the bus?” Chuck asked.
I rested my forearms on the edge of the window. “Yeah. I’m too tired to even think about celebrating like the rest of these fuckers around here.”
“Might be a good idea to pass on it. There are some young and questionable women running around the parking lot.”
“Good to know,” I said wryly. “I’ll make sure some of the other racers use common sense when it comes to women.”
Like I have any sense when it comes to Ava.
Chuck seemed to read my mind as he nodded to the bus in the distance. Lights were on, a sure sign that Ava wa
s still awake.
“She’s been in the bus for the past couple of hours,” he said. “She figured you were out enjoying another female’s company, so she voted to stay in the bus instead of a hotel room.”
I rolled my eyes at her noble decision to step aside to let a female groupie have her way with me. I had seen the jealous spark in her eyes before she turned away to hurry in the opposite direction.
“Very nice of her,” I said cynically. “I’ll give you a call in the morning. We have to roll out within a few hours of dawn.”
Chuck nodded his balding head. “Right on, boss. Have a good night. Stay out of trouble.”
“I always stay out of trouble,” I said, taking a step back as Chuck rolled up the window with a chuckle.
I walked past another tour bus but stopped short when I heard Billy Thor, a nineteen-year-old racer, call out my name. He sat beneath a sunshade next to his bus with his team and a few fans. He reminded me of a country boy, with his damn cowboy hat, his tight jeans, boots, and a ripped shirt. He was a scraggly thing, too, but he could race his ass off when he really concentrated.
“What up, JJ?” he asked, clasping my hand tightly. “Just wanted to say good show out there, man. You’re the best for a reason.”
I nodded at him. “You did great, too, bro. I was able to watch a little bit of your exhibition when I was backstage.”
I swept a glance over the young female fans who were seated beneath his sunshade. I caught sight of a cooler next to them that was undoubtedly full of beer. Years ago, I had done the same thing. I had thrown my first party at fourteen years old, when my parents were in jail for a weekend for hitting one another.
Curling my fingers around the back of Billy’s neck, I pulled him in close to me to whisper into his ear, “Listen, man. I really like you. Just be careful about those girls over there, okay? I don’t want to see you go into the slammer for tapping the underage ones running around here.”
“You don’t tap any groupies?” Billy asked, visibly surprised by that. “I figured with all the woman around you—”