by Liz Lincoln
He needed to shut the fuck up. He felt so out of control, he didn’t even fully understand what he was saying. But he couldn’t stop himself.
“She wouldn’t speak to me!” Carrie shoved away from the counter and rounded to him. “I asked her to come with me, and she refused, so I went to get her an apology drink. I was trying to fix things!”
“Well, you’ve done a bang-up job.”
“Fuck you. This isn’t my fault.”
No, it wasn’t.
They stared each other down, seething. Something shifted in her eyes, something hidden behind the anger, something that looked an awful lot like hurt.
Fuck.
Seth let out a slow breath, his shoulders deflating like a balloon. He scrubbed his hand over his face, scratching at his beard.
“How long has she been gone?”
“Less than an hour.” Carrie’s voice was cautious. Like she didn’t trust him not to explode at her again.
He felt like shit. He wanted to gather her against him, say he was sorry, and kiss her until she believed him. But there wasn’t time for that.
He headed for his bedroom, where his laptop sat on the dresser. God bless his paranoid mom for making him install one of those apps on Maddie’s phone so that he could track her on GPS at all times. Hopefully she was too upset to think to turn it off.
“I called Emilia.” Carrie hovered in the doorway. Seth hated that she didn’t come into his room. After everything they’d shared in this room, now she felt she had to stay on the threshold.
How had it been only a few hours ago he’d felt like everything was perfect?
“She said Maddie said something about her mom would understand.”
Motherfucking fucker on a stick. Maddie could not seriously be thinking of going to find Jessa. If there was one person on the planet who absolutely would not empathize with their child, it was Jessa. Seth had assumed Maddie was going to try to go to Houston, get his parents to take her in.
“Thanks.” He managed to keep his frustration out of his voice. He didn’t need to lash out at Carrie about that. Jessa had nothing to do with her.
He pulled up the website for the GPS tracking app and entered his account information. Within seconds, his laptop screen filled with a map of downtown Milwaukee. The pulsing red dot showed Maddie’s location—or at least her phone’s location—at the Amtrak station.
Relief was intense, buckling his knees. He leaned heavily on the dresser. He hadn’t realized until that second just how powerful his fear had been. His eyes burned, but he willed back the tears. He could cry once he had his baby girl in his arms. He wasn’t there yet.
A gentle hand on his back startled Seth back to the moment.
“You OK?” Carrie asked gently.
He looked at her and his heart felt like it was cracking in his chest. He yelled at her, blamed her for Maddie disappearing, and yet here she was, understanding and compassion making her eyes practically glow.
He was so in love with her.
He wanted to tell her. Wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her and beg her forgiveness and promise they’d find a way to work things out.
But first he had to find his daughter.
Because he didn’t trust his voice, he nodded tightly. “She’s at the Amtrak station.” He hesitated, then decided fuck it, and kissed her. A hard, brief kiss, just a press of his mouth to hers. But he needed at least that.
“I gotta go.”
Nodding, she pulled her lips between her teeth, as if pulling his kiss inside her. Or at least that’s what he told himself to make himself feel a little better.
“I gotta make another call on the way. Can you call the train station and let them know what’s up? Make sure they don’t sell her a ticket?” He needed to call his agent, plus he should call Jessa and give her a heads-up. Just in case.
Another nod from Carrie.
He paused in the doorway, searching her face. He didn’t even know what he was looking for.
“I’ll see you soon.”
*
—
Out of breath, lungs burning from sprinting from the lot to the door in the cold, Seth shoved through the doors of the Amtrak station and looked around frantically. His gaze landed on an information desk and he started for it.
Then he drew up short.
Sitting on the floor against the wall, arms wrapped around her long legs, face hidden in her knees, was his baby girl. Everything inside him stilled, his chest aching as he took a moment to really see her for the first time in too long. She looked so small and alone. And he’d let that happen.
Pressing the heel of his hand into his eye to hold back a tear, he crossed the space in long strides. When he got close, he could hear Maddie’s crying, and the cracks in his heart deepened.
“Maddie.” His voice came out thick, and this time he didn’t bother holding back the tear that rolled down the side of his nose. He sank to the floor next to her and pulled her against his chest. She stiffened at first and tried to pull away, but he held her tightly and whispered, “I’m so sorry, baby.”
With that, she collapsed against him, sobs racking her thin frame. Seth held her tightly and rocked her as she cried. As he cried a little too. With the panic of her running away over, the full weight of what could have happened set in and his hands shook as he stroked her hair.
He could have lost everything.
He dug his fingers into his opposite palm to distract himself from the overwhelming sadness that swept through him. He’d failed his daughter so deeply, but he would do whatever he needed to fix things and do better in the future. Even if that meant leaving Milwaukee after the season ended and moving back to Houston; even if it meant leaving the Dragons and Carrie.
Carrie. Fuck. He couldn’t even think about her right now. He’d fucked that up too, but he could worry about that later.
“Baby, what’s going on?” he asked gently. He was probably supposed to be angrier with her, for running away, for upsetting everyone who cared about her, for making him miss his flight and for turning his day completely upside down. But he couldn’t dredge up that emotion. He was too damn glad to have found her and too aware that he shouldered some of the blame.
Maddie didn’t lift her head, instead speaking into his wool coat. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I just…I don’t know.” She shuddered against him.
Seth took her face in his hands and pulled back so he could look at her. Her eyes were red and swollen, her cheeks wet with tears. And her expression was pure agony.
He took a deep breath, trying to dislodge some of the lump in his throat so he could speak. “I didn’t realize how unhappy you were here. I know my schedule is crazy during the season, but I’m still around. You can still talk to me.”
“It’s not that. It’s…” She dropped her gaze, still refusing to look at him. “It’s dumb. I never should have tried to go see—to go away.”
He sighed, then scooted back to lean against the row of windows next to her. He stretched his legs out and crossed his ankles. When she mirrored his posture, he almost smiled.
“Your mom.” Might as well toss the elephant out in the open so they could tackle it. “Carrie talked to Emilia. She was really worried.” He barely kept his voice from cracking when he mentioned Carrie.
Maddie picked at her cuticle, concentrating hard on her hands. “It was a stupid idea. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.” This time, instead of misery, her voice held bitterness. Which wasn’t any better for the state of Seth’s shredded heart.
“If you want to know more about your mom, ask. We didn’t know each other real well, but I can try to help you.”
“I did!”
She had? Oh, hell, she had, and he’d blown her off. “Maddie –”
She sniffed. “Um, but, I sort of decided to find her on social media instead. And then I was mad about Thanksgiving, and she seemed so cool and friendly online. And then a bunch of bullshit happened at school and then I found
you and Carrie and I was so mad I didn’t know what to do so I grabbed as much money as I could find and got an Uber here and it felt wrong not to tell anyone anything so I texted Emilia and then I got here and was waiting and then my mom sent me this awful text and I don’t ever need to think about her again ever and I’m so sorry Daddy so sorry I promise I won’t ever ask about her again or try to run away just please don’t be mad at me I’m so sorry.”
Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks as Seth stared at her. He didn’t even know which point to address first from her mini-outburst.
She shoved her phone at Seth, the text from Jessa on the screen.
Jessa: You show up here, we won’t let you in. You’re not welcome.
Fuck. He’d known for a long time that Maddie’s mom was cold, but he’d hoped his daughter would never have to find out quite so directly.
Sniffing, Maddie wiped her cheek. “Sorry, I know I’m not supposed to swear.”
What? “I think we can let that slide.” That was the least of his worries.
He should probably get up, help her to her feet, and take her home so they could have this conversation over hot chocolate. He could picture her curled up on the couch under her Batgirl blanket, the Christmas tree lights casting a glow over them as they worked through everything.
But it also felt important to address at least some of it right away. Even if that meant spending two hours sitting on the cold floor of the train station.
“Let’s start with Carrie.”
Maddie’s face hardened. “I want her gone. She can’t be my nanny anymore.”
Fuck. “Mad—”
“No!” She shook her head vigorously, cutting him off. “She can’t. Please, Dad, just get a new nanny. You ruined it with her.”
Seth opened his mouth to protest, but he didn’t know what to say. This was exactly why he’d insisted he and Carrie keep things from Maddie. His daughter always had to come first.
Except things had changed. He was in love with Carrie now.
“I hate her, Dad. She…” Maddie’s voice choked off as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.
Oh, hell. He couldn’t let anything come between him and Maddie. He had to get his priorities back in order. Football and Maddie were his life. If Maddie wasn’t OK with it, there wasn’t room for anything else.
Not even the woman he’d fallen in love with.
*
—
The sound of the garage door jerked Carrie out of the dark place inside where she’d been stewing since Seth left. She’d allowed tears to fall as the sofa swallowed her. She tried not to worry about anything except relief that Seth had found Maddie and the three of them could begin the process of working things out.
But she couldn’t get past the amount of anger it must have taken for Maddie to attempt to run away. How could they possibly work past that? Yes, Maddie was a child, and at a tough age. But she was old enough to have a say in what happened in her life and in her home.
How could Carrie let herself come between a father and daughter?
But how could she walk away from the man she’d fallen in love with?
The door slammed shut, and Carrie pulled herself from the couch in time to see Maddie storm right to the stairs and stomp up them. She didn’t so much as glare at Carrie.
Seth followed, pausing in the doorway to look at her. He looked more stressed and tired than she’d ever seen him.
Dread hollowed out Carrie’s chest. She already knew what was happening.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you before.” Seth’s voice was heavy with fatigue. “I was upset and wanted to lash out. It wasn’t fair to you. Maddie’s old enough that you can leave her alone for a coffee run. So, I’m sorry.”
His apology did nothing to soothe Carrie’s tension. “It’s fine.”
“I have to go, so we’ll have to talk more about this tomorrow. Or I can call tonight. But I think it would be best if we find a new nanny.” He didn’t look at her as he spoke.
Carrie’s blood turned cold in her veins. She’d expected as much, but it still shocked her to hear the words spoken aloud.
“She’s angry. And if there’s one thing I know about my daughter, she’s a stubborn kid. She gets that from her dad.” His laugh lacked enthusiasm or humor. “I’m sorry. But I have to put her first. I thought I could…” He sucked in a sharp breath, then finally looked at her.
The hurt reflected in his eyes cut deep inside her. It was the same pain she felt. He wasn’t saying it, but they both knew he meant things were over between them. She wasn’t losing just her home and her job, she was losing her boyfriend too.
She swallowed a sob, biting down on her lips to keep the sound in.
“So when I get back tomorrow, you—”
“What? Where are you going?”
He frowned, looking at her like she’d lost her mind. “Mike worked it out with Coach. I gotta get to the airport so I can meet up with the team in St. Louis.”
“You’re leaving?” Hadn’t he just said he had to put Maddie first? How could he claim that, then leave town?
“I don’t have a choice.” His voice took on a sharp edge.
“So you’re firing me, but first I have to stay with the kid you said hates me? And you’re putting her first, as soon as the season is over?”
Seth’s face hardened. “It’s my job. Maddie gets that. I thought you did, but I guess I was wrong about that too.”
“I get that. But you can’t wait a few minutes?” She took a step toward him. How could he throw away what they had without even trying to fix it?
He moved back from her, refusing to look at her. “This is the only flight Mike can get me on. I have to go.”
“So what we had doesn’t mean anything to you? You’re just giving up?” Carrie blinked hard to keep the tears at bay.
“I didn’t say that,” he snapped, head whipping up to glare at her.
No, he didn’t get to be hurt by all this. He was the one choosing to get rid of her.
“So then tomorrow, when you get back, we’ll talk to Maddie, tell her we’re together.” Yes, just a few minutes ago she’d been wondering how she could come between father and daughter. But now, faced with the actual prospect of losing him, she couldn’t let him go. She was in love with him. And Maddie would come around. She and Carrie had been friends; they could be again.
Seth’s eyes were cold as he finally looked at Carrie. “No. I’m sorry, but Maddie has to come first.”
For a long, charged moment, they stared at each other. Carrie thought she saw a flicker of warmth, of relenting, in his gaze, but it was gone before she could even be sure it was real.
“Seth. Please don’t do this.”
He shook his head. “I can’t. I have to go.” He moved closer to her. Close enough to touch. But instead of reaching for her, he shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’m sorry.”
Carrie held her breath as he walked away. The pain sliced deep into her and she didn’t know whether to scream or cry. How dare he give up on them so easily, without even trying?
She needed to talk to someone. She needed a friend. So she got a soda from the refrigerator, took it to the couch, and called Amy.
Chapter 18
Carrie stepped outside into the early evening chill and instantly regretted leaving her scarf in the car. The wind had picked up off the lake, and by the time she reached the sidewalk, her nose and chin were numb.
January in Wisconsin was not for the weak. Or the forgetful.
Still, even the freezing air couldn’t dampen her excitement. She officially had her offer letter in hand, and in a few weeks she would begin teaching two sections of Comics as Literature at Milwaukee University. After leaving Seth’s house and moving into Jason’s living room, she’d put together a class proposal and approached every local college. Nothing like sleeping on an air mattress for motivation.
Only the small college had been interested, but the two class sections were a start.
Once she hung up, she pulled off her gloves and swiped and tapped through screens on her phone until she had a new text message open. Her heart started thumping as she stared at the screen.
He would be so excited for her. Amy and Jason and her parents were all happy for her that she was getting interest in her proposed class. And Amy was encouraging when Carrie talked about working on their textbook, though she hadn’t gone as far as to commit to doing the artwork half of things.
But Seth was different. He’d done more than smile and nod and say “good luck.” He’d listened when she talked in detail about her ideas. He’d asked questions that showed he was interested. In his unassuming way, he’d challenged her to go after what she wanted.
Except, at the end of the day, what she wanted was him. A month apart hadn’t lessened her feelings for him. She’d been angry at him when she left, but that had faded. She was left with hurt that he hadn’t wanted to fight for her, even if she understood his reason.
And of course she still loved him.
Which was why she wanted to share her news. But as she started to type his name into the address field, she hesitated.
He didn’t need the distraction of a text from an ex. He was in Pittsburgh, getting ready for tomorrow’s playoff game.
So she texted Amy instead.
Carrie: I got the job! Want to get together and celebrate tomorrow?
Amy’s reply came through almost immediately.
Amy: Can’t. We’re going to a football party. I’d invite you, but wasn’t sure you’d be up for it…
That was the million-dollar question. She’d watched every game since leaving Seth’s house, needing any way she could to feel close to him. Which was dumb. She should be trying to get over him, not trying to feel connected.
But she wasn’t ready to give him up yet.
*
—
Seth closed the door behind Paula Grayson and turned to his daughter with a questioning look on his face.