“Oh, don’t worry,” Dan said. “I’m sure I’ll mess it up before too much longer.”
I laughed, but then my eyes widened at the chocolate cheesecake. It looked positively decadent, sinful, forbidden, amazing. I was sure I could shove some things around in my stomach to make room for it. There had to be a little space left.
“We probably could’ve shared one piece between the two of us,” I said, worried.
“Just taste it,” he said. “I’m sure you’ll be happy we’re not sharing. It’s too good to share. Now. Take a bite of the cheesecake, and then a sip of the wine. Enjoy how the flavors interact with one another.”
Christ. I was never eating another prepackaged brownie for as long as I lived, nor was I going to assume that gas station wine was as good as any other. My world had changed just through good food. It was astounding.
I surprised myself by polishing off my piece of cheesecake without any help whatsoever from Dan, and we savored the sweet wine until it was gone.
“I don’t know how anything can top this,” I said, resting my elbows on the table and staring at Dan, even though I knew it was gauche. I was beyond sated. I was very nearly exhausted by the intense flavors I’d experienced tonight. “You’re the one who’s going to have his work cut out for him. What can ever be as good as this?”
“You’d be surprised,” he said, grinning. “Now. What’s next, Beauty? Tell me. I’ll take you anywhere. We can do anything—whatever you want.”
My head was swimming a little bit from all the strong wine. I couldn’t even fathom putting anything else in my stomach. Even the thought of walking back to the car was daunting.
“I think…I think I want to go home,” I admitted.
Dan’s face darkened a little. “Are you not having a good time with me?”
“That’s not it,” I said quickly. “I’m having a really good time with you. It’s just…this dinner was so much. I think this dinner could cover my rent for the month. I think…I’m honestly a little overwhelmed.”
“Overwhelmed?” He was confused now, that strange darkness having passed.
Maybe it was the wine that loosened my tongue, but maybe it just needed to be said.
“I don’t really understand why you’re doing this for me,” I said, all the words coming out in a rush, “why you’re spending this kind of money on me, why you want to continue to spend money on me, why you want to show me everything to do in Seattle. I’m…I’m nothing. I’m a nobody. You could have…and probably have had…anyone you want. I’m clearly not on your level. Is it…I don’t know. Do I amuse you?”
“Of course you amuse me,” Dan said, confused.
“Okay, rude,” I said, covering my face in embarrassment.
“How is that…okay, sorry,” he said. “I’m trying to say you make me laugh, Beauty. Not that I think you’re pathetic. You’re something new to me. Something I’m puzzled by. You’re fresh. You’re real. Yes, I’ve been with some pretty exquisite specimens…”
“Rude,” I pointed out, peeking out at him from between my fingers. “Women are people. Not specimens.”
“Sorry,” he said, the syllables clipped. “Have you looked in the mirror, Beauty? Does your name mean nothing to you? You’re incredible. You’re gorgeous. You are a catch; I don’t care who he is. You are a catch.”
“But that’s only on the outside,” I said, letting my hands fall to the table. “You have no idea what I am on the inside.”
“That’s what I’m angling to find out,” he said. “I want to know who you are on the inside. You flummox me and excite me because of it. Is that wrong? Is it wrong for me to be attracted to you because you’re so different from anyone else I’ve ever been with?”
I flushed and gaped. Dan was obviously attracted to me; he’d just dropped hundreds of dollars on a single meal to be with me. Yet, to hear him admit it and to hear him say it out loud was something else entirely.
“Is it rude to want to kiss you right now?” he asked, his blue eyes burning.
All I could do was shake my head no, and I was on my feet, Dan standing in front of me, tracing his fingers along my jaw line and nearly searing my lips off with a hot kiss that tasted of wine and chocolate and faintly, oh so faintly, of blood from that magnificent steak.
“Do you still want me to take you home?” he asked me, his voice low, practically rumbling in his chest.
“Yes,” I whispered.
He exhaled heavily and stepped away. I felt physically weak, like I was going to crumple to the floor of this fancy restaurant at any moment.
“I’m still…soaking all of this in,” I tried to explain, as Dan reached into his wallet, taking out enough hundred-dollar bills to make my eyes bulge out of my head. “If you don’t remember, I used to live in a car. I just had the best meal of my life, and it’s only our first date.”
Dan turned to me and smiled, gently taking me by the chin and kissing me much lighter this time, much sweeter.
“I get it, Beauty,” he said. “You’re not ready. We’ll take it slow. I just don’t like not getting to do what I want. I don’t like being told no.”
He nodded at the waiter and concierge as we walked toward the door, and his nice car was just pulling up without Dan having to so much as show the valet the ticket. It was as if everyone had been holding their breaths and watching Dan since the moment he paid our way in here. Money wielded much more influence than I realized. Money made people pay close attention.
We were driving back toward my apartment in vaguely uncomfortable silence when I cleared my throat.
“Sometimes, you have to accept someone telling you no,” I said, looking down at my hands. “Count this as one of my lessons in manners. People say no to you sometimes, and you just have to deal with it.”
“Doesn’t mean I have to like it,” Dan said, glancing at me. He was stunningly sober for the amount we’d had to drink, still driving just as fast as he had been on the way to the restaurant.
“Well, no, you don’t have to like it,” I allowed. “But you also shouldn’t let the person telling you ‘no’ see that you don’t like it. Everyone has a right to do—or not do — whatever they want.”
“You’re right,” he sighed. “You’re always right, Beauty. I just really want…I really want to spend time with you. I’m spoiled. I’m used to getting what I want, when I want it.”
“We’re going to spend time together,” I assured him. “I just…I’m broken inside, Dan.” I swallowed hard. I’d never talked with someone as honestly as I was talking to him in this moment. I didn’t talk to anyone about my feelings, about the extent of damage that still festered within me.
“Broken how?”
“I lived in a car for more than a year of my life,” I said. “I was basically a transient. I forgot what it was to be civilized. I had to forget it so I could survive. I worked anywhere, did anything…you saw me.”
“I did see you,” he said, staring at the road in front of us. I wasn’t sure what he was actually seeing was the road or not, though. He was probably seeing me, grinding up against him at that club again. It made my mouth dry to imagine it, that he said he was going to fantasize about me when he relieved himself of his attraction that night.
I wondered if he’d do the same thing tonight.
“You’re going to have to be patient with me,” I said. “I’ve been through…a lot. I want to spend time with you, Dan, but I just really need us to take it slow. I’m pretty much a lost little girl when it comes to things like this.”
“You didn’t look like a lost little girl that night in the bar,” he said, his voice dark. “Well, you did, in a way. But the kind of lost that I really like.”
Another shiver trilled up my spine.
“I’m not that girl in the bar anymore,” I said. “I’m trying something different now. And that’s why I need your help. If you’re the teacher, I’m the student who needs your lessons the most.”
“Your proposal for role pla
y isn’t really helping me right now, Beauty.”
I looked over at him and then all but gasped at the tent in his pants. I hadn’t so much as touched him, and he appeared to be painfully erect. The thought that I could have such a strong effect on a person just from talking to him…that was powerful. I hadn’t even taken an article of clothing off.
Dan pulled up to my apartment building and put the car in neutral, the engine idling, waiting for me to tell him what I wanted to do.
God, I was conflicted. I wanted him, but I didn’t want him. I was still uncomfortably full from our meal—as well as uncomfortable over the money Dan was willing to spend on me. I was afraid of his eagerness, afraid that if I bared myself to much, if I gave too much of myself to him, if I showed him my most vulnerable parts, he would see the ugliness that was within me and recoil.
I needed Dan, but I needed him at arm’s length, for now.
“I had a really, really amazing date with you,” I said softly. “I hope you can understand why I’m not ready for anything else right now.”
“Do you think there’s a chance that you might want…something else in the future?” he asked, looking at me, his blue eyes downright inky in the dark.
“I think there’s a really good fucking chance, yes,” I said, and he laughed.
“I will take that,” he said. “I will take that really good fucking chance.”
“I’m sorry you picked someone who doesn’t function right,” I said. “I’m sorry that I can’t be that girl for you, the girl who takes you up to her room tonight.”
“Beauty, if you were that girl, I have to confess that maybe I’d be a little disappointed.” Dan rubbed his thumb over my cheek and everything was somehow immediately better. He didn’t hate me for demurring. Everything was all right.
I kissed him, and he deepened it, his tongue a memory of sweet wine and chocolate.
“I’ll be thinking about you tonight,” he said, capturing my hand and guiding it to his lap. Away from prying eyes—relatively, anyway, with the sidewalks bare of pedestrians in front of my building—I felt his thick attraction toward me through his pants. He was well endowed—set up for success physically and monetarily. Dan was a lucky man, and I was a lucky girl for crossing paths with him.
“I’d kind of hoped you would be,” I confessed, my voice shaking with desire. It would be so easy to cave in, to just invite him up, and to let myself go. All I wanted to do was to forget, to feel good and forget. And yet I couldn’t.
Dan gave a long groan, and I jerked my hand away.
“You’d better get going,” he warned. “I want you too bad.”
I was practically panting; he had to recognize that the feeling was mutual.
“Do you need to use my bathroom before you go?” I asked, my voice trembling uncontrollably. “Or some water? Do you want some water? A mint? Just in case?”
“If I go up to your apartment right now, Beauty, I will fuck you,” he said, his voice raw. “That is a promise and a warning. If that’s what you want to do, then by all means. Let’s go up. But if you want to take it slow, it’s best that you go up alone.”
Fuck me. I opened my mouth to tell him my decision but snapped it shut again. No. I could do this. I had to be strong. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if we had sex right now. It would be too much, too soon, and it would be too hard to face myself tomorrow morning. There had been just too many feelings to handle in the past twenty-four hours. Having sex with Dan would be a wonderful distraction, but it would also open a can of worms I didn’t think I would know how to close again.
“Text me when you get home, so I know you made it safe,” I said, not daring to give him even one more kiss, afraid I’d give way to my weakening resolve.
“I’m fine,” he said, giving me a tight smile. “Though it’ll be a miracle to make it without blowing a load in my pants.”
I grimaced. “Impolite.”
“But the truth,” he said. “Beauty. It was a distinct pleasure. I’m sorry that I’m a caveman. I wish I was better at controlling myself. I see something I want and I just go after it until I have it. Women—they want to be with me. They throw themselves at me, when they realize what I can give them. What I can do for them. You’re going to have to be a patient teacher with me, too. I don’t think I can change overnight.”
“I understand that,” I said, opening the door and stepping out. “We’ll both be patient teachers—and diligent students.”
“Again with the role play,” Dan said, shaking his head, rubbing a hand through his beard, distressed. “You really know how to fuck with a guy’s brain, Beauty.”
“I’m not trying to fuck with your head,” I said, flustered. “Sorry! Goddammit!”
I slammed the car door shut and spun around, intent on hiding away in my apartment, when I heard the window roll down.
“Beauty!”
I turned, bent down to make eye contact.
“I really did have a good time tonight,” he said.
“So did I.”
“Let’s do it again as soon as possible.”
I smiled. “You have my number.”
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
It was all I could do to get up to my apartment before I threw myself on my bed, facedown, smiling against my pillow. Dan had been completely… unexpected. He was volatile, perhaps, but passionate, endearing, and definitely entertaining.
The fact that he was so attracted to me was an added bonus. It did a lot for my self-confidence.
It showed me that, after everything, maybe there was going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I didn’t deserve it. But it was there all the same.
I thought about Dan’s hot mouth on my own, thought about the way his cock had felt beneath his expensive pants, the way he’d groaned, how he’d certainly be thinking about me tonight, when he got home.
I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a long time, an urge for something that was beyond filling a void. It was honest to God attraction toward Dan. I desired him, and I wanted to…do something about it.
I’d cloistered myself from the finer pleasures in life during my time on the road. That wasn’t to say that I didn’t…feel things. I could see a hot guy walking down the street and appreciate the way he looked. But I didn’t go back to the car and touch myself to him later that night.
Now, though, secure in my apartment, still buzzing from an unbelievable evening with Dan, an irresistible urged traveled up my spine and down my arm, my hand moving almost of its own volition to draw my dress up over my thighs, stopping when it brushed my waist. The air in the apartment was cool, and I shivered, my skin puckering with goosebumps.
I hooked my fingers on either side of my panties and lifted my hips, taking them down to my knees. I was bare to the night, and I pressed my legs together briefly for that shudder of sensation before spreading them again, walking my fingers back up my legs, ghosting light touches at their juncture, teasing my velvet lips, the downy hair there already dewy with my desire.
I hadn’t told Dan to come up here. I hadn’t given in to my baser instincts. That was good. I could reward myself, couldn’t I? It didn’t hurt either of us if I imagined that he was here, with me, that the finger running up and down the cleft of my lips, parting them to skate in the wetness there, was his instead of mine.
He said he’d been with other women; I wondered just how experienced he was. He was older than me, so I imagined he already knew his way around the female form quite well—not like the guys I’d been with at college, barely able to last longer than a few minutes with a girl who’d been so eager to give herself away in order to get away from herself.
No, Dan would take his time. He’d know that he already had me, that there was no point in rushing it, that he could take as long as he want, torturing me to completion.
He’d plunge one finger into my hot depths, just as I was doing right now, and he’d take a leisurely tour of what I had to offer. I�
��d let him, of course, because he knew exactly what I liked, exactly how to touch me to get me to arch my back, to urge him onward. He’d laugh at me, tell me I just needed to slow down and enjoy myself, but I’d beg him for it. I might be ashamed, but I’d beg him to give it to me, not looking to lose myself in that black orgasm but to find myself, instead.
I was so close it scared me. I hadn’t given myself this kind of pleasure in so long that it was like my body was flooding at the first sign of rain in spite of the drought it had endured. I lightly flicked my fingers over my clit, again and again, feeling a pleasant burn in my forearm, well out of practice for this sort of thing. I imagined my fingers were Dan’s tongue; I imagined that he was looking up at me from between my legs, ready to push me over the edge…
…but then it was Roland’s face that replaced it, that scar so insignificant compared to the waves of climax crashing down over me. Was it wrong that it was Roland instead of Dan? I squeezed my eyes shut and then nothing mattered, gaping into the darkness, my hand never slowing for a second, gasping out my confused pleasure, and sinking into a sweet slumber that didn’t care who made me feel good.
Chapter 11
The thing about human beings was that people could get used to whatever they had to get used to. Adaptation happened whether we were aware of it or not, and we always tried to protect ourselves regardless.
I couldn’t say that I’d ever actually fully adapted to the reality I’d created with my horrible decision, the one that had killed Caro, my parents, and Roland’s fiancée, Mina. But I had adapted beyond the point of curling up in a ball and weeping for hours on end. I’d even adapted past the stage where I’d sit still for whole days, staring blankly in front of me, not eating or drinking until something inside me felt like it would break.
The lizard part of my brain, the portion responsible for keeping me alive even after the rest of its real estate had already decided that I didn’t deserve to live, had asserted itself during my time at college—when I was trying and failing to find something to end my suffering. My lizard brain realized that I wasn’t adapting to my new situation as long as I was there, so I had to move.
ASHFORD (Gray Wolf Security #5) Page 46