by Maggie Mundy
“I’m surprised you came back. Jeff doesn’t come through to me much anymore.” Christine sipped on her tea, calm as always, as if the spirits she connected with gave her peace.
“I know. Mum and Sara say it’s time to move on. I’ve kept myself busy with the shop and the kids, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to move on to. These sessions when he talks to me through you, and the dreams, are what have kept me sane. It’s like he’s still here to help me live.” Beth’s stomach churned at the thought Jeff would reject her. It would be like losing him all over again.
“I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything.” Christine had put her cup down and placed her palms down on the table. Her eyes closed––to anyone looking in through the back door, it would have appeared she was having a nana nap. Beth liked that about Christine. There were no velvet curtains or crystal balls, just crazy-shaped teapots.
Christine breathed rapidly for a minute and then became calm. “He wants to know why you’ve come back.”
Jeff was here, and Beth could breathe again. “I wanted to let him know about the kids, and what I’m doing with the shop.”
“He says it hurts. He’s trapped because you won’t let him go.” Christine’s voice stayed flat as she spoke.
“I’m sorry.” Beth bit her bottom lip.
Christine opened her eyes and shook her head. “He loves you, Beth. It’s messing with him. You’re holding him here for something he can never have. He wants you to be with someone new, and then he’ll be free. He’s blocked me out. It happens sometimes. I had a feeling he would. I’m sorry.”
Christine reached a hand across. Beth didn’t have any cause to be angry with Christine, but she was. “Why?”
“I’ve dealt with enough people talking from the afterlife to know they regretted not doing more. You both had a good life together. He wants you to have more while you’re alive. He wants you to let him go.”
Beth had placed her donation in the RSPCA box by the front door.
It was the first time she hadn’t made an appointment to come back.
Everyone thought her crazy for believing in this stuff anyway, but it had kept her from unraveling at the seams, and now it was gone.
****
That had been three months ago, and now here she was sitting in her car, too afraid to go and see her kids. She wanted to cry, but no tears came, and there was no point delaying the inevitable. The kids deserved better, and she just hoped they would agree with her decision to keep the baby.
Chapter Four
Will pulled his curtain aside as Beth pulled up. He liked to observe her comings and goings from across the street. As a woman alone, she needed someone keeping a lookout for her. Beth opened the trunk of her car to unload her shopping. He would have sold this house and moved away after his brother’s death, if not for her.
The two of them had supported each other in their grief and become close. It was because of their closeness he kept watch over her all these months, as her abdomen swelled with someone else’s brat inside. He wanted her, he’d always wanted her, but not soiled and pregnant. She was “damaged goods”.
Beth walked about six feet before putting the bags down, and her hand moved around to massage her lower back. Will’s hand came away from the curtain and mimicked the movement. If she only knew how much he cared and wanted to please her, she would want his hand to cover hers and bring relief. He opened his front door. “Beth, let me help,” he called out, causing her to turn and wave.
“Thanks. My back’s killing me. I thought I’d stock up in case ‘junior’ here comes early. I want Keri and David to have plenty of stuff,” Beth said.
“You know I’d help out if something happened. You mustn’t worry, and you should think again about letting me do more.” Beth unlocked the front door and walked ahead of him and placed her hand on top of her abdomen. That thing caused her pain. He had to be patient and wait ’til it was born and then he could get rid of it, and the other children as well. They were all a burden on her ever since Jeff died. Without them, she would be free.
It would be easy, as far as he was concerned. There would be an “accident” one night, when she wasn’t there. Everyone knows how thoughtless teenagers can be, and they would accept Keri had left the gas stove on. One big bang and all his problems would be solved.
Beth put her keys down on the counter. Why wouldn’t she give him a key, so he could come in and watch over her while she slept. He had suggested having a key a while ago, but she’d said Keri felt uncomfortable with the idea.
Keri was a strain on Beth, and strains wouldn’t be allowed. Beth stopped by the counter and peered down at his hands. He was tapping his fingers. He needed to keep busy as the tension of having her close and not touching her was taking its toll. “You put the kettle on. I’ll bring the rest of the stuff in.”
As he came back with more bags, he remembered how, seven months ago, he had stood near the front door about to knock. It was then he’d heard Keri talking to her boyfriend as they sat on the deck at the side of the house.
“Mum got pissed and knocked up, and has the cheek to tell me I’m too young to have you as a boyfriend, just because you’re older. At least we love each other. She doesn’t even know the guy’s last name.”
If Will ever found out who the father of the child was, he would make him pay. He didn’t consider himself a violent person, unless provoked of course, but there were other ways to hurt people.
Beth needed someone to help her make the right decisions. She needed strength and he would be her strength. He assisted her in putting the food away. He hated these cupboards. She should be in his house, putting food away in his cupboards.
“I went to see Christine,” Will said. He grinned as he watched Beth stiffen. He hoped she hated Christine as much as he did.
“Did she help?” Beth didn’t look at him as she spoke.
“Said she couldn’t contact Steve. Said I should let go of the idea of reaching him, as she believed he’d passed over. I have to admit I didn’t take it too well, and she asked me to leave.” The truth was, he had wanted to smash every one of her stupid teapots.
“I can’t imagine you being like that. I’m sure she understood you were upset because of your loss. If it’s any consolation, she didn’t help me at the last visit I paid to her either. I can’t blame her that it coincided with the conception of junior here. Who, I might add, is killing my back at the moment.” Beth emptied the last bag.
He didn’t want to leave. His hands wanted to touch her back and ease the pain. Wanted to touch her all over, and get rid of the thing someone else had put inside her. Beth kept looking at the clock.
“I’m sorry to rush your coffee, Will, but I have to get the kids in a minute.”
“There’s no need to explain. You do what you need to, and know I’m nearby if you have any problems.” He watched her drive off down the street. He needed to find a way to make life easier for her. She didn’t need this baby, and she didn’t need her other children. She wouldn’t understand that right now, but eventually she would see it made sense, and that her life could be so much simpler without them.
Chapter Five
Beth walked into the kitchen and noticed the lit candle on the counter. She didn’t bother to hold back the tears. Each year since Jeff had died, she always lit a candle to keep him in their thoughts for the whole day. Beth had forgotten today was the anniversary of his death. How could she have done that?
At that very moment, she felt a kick from within to answer her question.
Keri walked back out to the kitchen and put her school bag down. It was unlike her to be up so early, but then Beth noticed her daughter’s eyes were red from crying too. For a moment, they stood there staring at each other, and then the candle, and then hugged. Well, they hugged as much as her huge abdomen would allow them to. Then they sat down.
“Thanks for lighting it, Keri. I can’t believe I forgot to get it out.”
“It’s okay, Mum.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s been rough. I just miss him still.” Keri smiled and wiped away a tear on the sleeve of her school jumper.
“I do too. Maybe there’s some sense in this, and junior here will fill the void a bit. It would’ve been better if I could have brought a father along with him to help, though,” Beth said as she took her daughter’s hand in hers.
“I reckon it’s better this way. I don’t know if I would want someone else moving in.”
It was a fair enough comment. “Well, there’s no chance of that.” Beth heaved herself out of her chair and added, “I’ll go and get your brother up.”
****
They had blown the candle out while no one was at home but when she got back from work, it was lit again. She figured David did it, and she was glad the kids had both been able to remember Jeff. Now they had gone to bed she had tried to do the same, but the sciatic pain shooting down her leg kept her awake. It had been the same with the other two babies, especially further on in the pregnancy. She walked back down to the kitchen and relit the candle.
She felt lost in her own home, and got up and walked over to her bag, and for one moment her hand went to the car keys. The thought of driving to the train station, leaving and going where “no one knows your name” seemed so tempting, excepting that she would be taking her problems with her. Junior kicked again. She glanced back at the candle and knew the truth. She could never do that to David and Keri. She had friends, and a home, and two great kids with a third on the way. It would all be okay. It had to be.
Chapter Six
Beth held the tray of nibbles in one hand, and massaged her lower back with the other. Another four weeks and the backache would be gone, but then the sleepless nights would begin. She would have a baby, but no partner to share the load.
At least she had Pete and Sara. Whose backyard at this moment was swelling with males high on sport, beer, and testosterone. Every year, Beth came along as moral support, but this year at eight months pregnant, she didn’t feel much like mingling. The AFL Grand Final was the same every year: Pete, his mates, a barbecue, and way too much drinking.
Putting down the tray of nibbles, she rubbed her lower back again. It didn’t have any effect. She wished Jeff was still alive, but then again this wasn’t his child. She even wished the baby’s father, Greg, were here, though she could hardly recollect what he looked like. Brown hair, beautiful blue eyes, and arms that held you so close you felt they could keep the pain away. She also remembered the tattoo on his arm: The word “pain”, interwoven with barbed wire. Beth could relate to it. She found Sara in the kitchen opening a bottle of wine. If she hadn’t been pregnant, she would have joined her. Maybe it was the wine in previous years that had made all the guys bearable.
“How do you exist alongside of this?” Beth asked.
“I don’t. I just try to be friendly. If Pete’s team wins, then I get great sex. If he loses, I console him with great sex. I’m onto a winner.” Sara smiled and poured herself a drink.
“You’re a slut, I always knew it,” Beth said, as she sipped on her orange juice.
“She with the big stomach by some random stranger is throwing rocks,” Sara replied, and then stuck out her tongue.
“Touché, but this makes me think more clearly. There’s all that testosterone out there, and I’m completely immune. The last good-looking male I gazed at was eight months ago, and look where it got me.” Beth put her glass down. If she drank any more, it would come straight back up.
“You wouldn’t want most of them anyway. All I can say is, you’ve been coming here the past few years and no one’s caught your eye. It’s Pete’s usual crowd. I don’t blame you for not being that desperate. You had the best with Jeff. A one-night stand was the way to go. No complications.” Sara sipped her wine.
“I think this huge belly is a complication, don’t you?”
Pete came in and hugged Beth.
“Paying attention to my friend when I feel so neglected.” Sara pouted, and Beth tried not to crack up.
“Sweetness,” Pete cooed.
“Yes,” Sara answered, as she viewed her husband with a raised eyebrow.
“We might have a few more people.” He smiled.
“You mean, to add to your group of Neanderthals getting drunk out the back.”
“You know the house over the road Kath and Des sold…?”
“Yes.”
“One of the guys from work has rented it, and he had some mates move in with him, and I sort of invited them over. Before you say anything, you should know one of them is a carpenter. And you’ve been talking about a new kitchen.” Pete gave her the puppy dog eyes.
“That’s bribery, Pete, and you know it. How many?”
“Four.”
Beth smiled as Sara shook her head and took a gulp of her red wine.
“You owe me for this. You drink too much and get brewer’s droop tonight and I’ll kill you. I also take this to mean that I do get my new kitchen.” Pete smiled and kissed Sara, then made a quick exit.
“I can’t believe you fell for those puppy dog eyes. I need to have a strong talk with you, woman,” Beth said, and gasped as her mind centered on the pain coming from her lower abdomen. “Excuse me, nature calls. I believe that will be the doorbell, Sara, more Neanderthals arriving.” Beth made it down the corridor and to the bathroom. She grabbed the sink, causing her fingers to whiten. Heat wafted over her, and the floor appeared cool and inviting. If she could lie down for a while, she’d be fine. Someone knocked on the door. This couldn’t be happening. It was too soon.
“You okay in there, Beth?”
“No,” Beth yelled, as another contraction hit.
****
Greg watched as his three housemates joined in with the fun. Another half an hour and the match would start. Another half an hour where he would stand around knowing he would never fit in. His hands were clammy, because as usual he wasn’t keen on being around so many people––eventually, someone would ask the inevitable. “Where’re you from? What have you been doing?” He should have kept going to Melbourne. When you’re in a place too long, people start expecting things. Paul was a good mate though, and said the work would last six months.
The boss said he was aware of his criminal record and yet still gave him a chance. That there were some decent people in the world still amazed Greg.
He didn’t want to keep running anymore. Over the past eight months, he’d kept his head down and moved on as soon as people asked questions. He had given up a long time ago on the idea of ever having a permanent home or a family, and rubbing his hand through his hair he realized no one would ever consider him good father material, anyway.
Wasn’t it better to never have to face the situation of telling your own kid you had killed someone, and that you had been in prison? He would never know, so what did it matter? That aside, being somewhere for more than a few weeks had a certain appeal.
He had been attracted by the idea of sharing a house with a bunch of guys, and catching up on what he had missed on the inside. Paul had been one of the few who had visited him, and Greg owed him. God knows he had few enough friends, not to squander the ones he had a connection with.
Being here was rubbing salt in the wound, as he couldn’t deny he wanted what Pete and Sara had. There was one woman he couldn’t forget, though. It had been his first week out of jail. Beth had been like a drink to a man dying of thirst. If he closed his eyes, he could almost smell the jasmine.
He grabbed a beer, and as always he had his back to the wall, watching. He took a mouthful of his beer and heard a scream. Pete ran back inside. Tony, one of Greg’s housemates, walked back out.
“What’s going on?” Greg asked.
“It’s his wife’s friend or something. Looks like she’s about to drop her bundle. Oh man, that’s so far down the track for me. She yelled so loud I thought she was going to have the kid right there. Shit, man, I need a drink.”
Greg saw Pete standing
by the patio door talking to Sara. He couldn’t agree with Tony. When you knew you would never have something, you wanted it even more. He knew it was none of his business, but he listened anyway.
“I’ve rung the hospital and told them we’re on our way. I’m worried, Pete. It’s a month early.” There was another scream as Sara rushed back inside. “I’m coming, Beth.”
Greg felt a cold chill run down his spine as his body stiffened. Beth. He put down his beer. It couldn’t be her. Things like that didn’t happen to people like him.
****
Beth held onto the counter as if her fingers were glued to it, otherwise she would slip to the floor. Not a good look, but she didn’t care. Sara was by her side.
“Come on, we’ll get you to the hospital.”
If Sara weren’t supporting her, she would collapse in a heap. As they walked down the front steps, all she could see in front of her was a driveway full of cars. Shit, she was going to give birth on a driveway. She had hit a new low.
“Damn it, they’ve blocked me in. Beth, you all right to stay while I go get Pete?”
“Just go!” Beth didn’t mean to shout, but the contractions were getting worse. She leaned against the car in front of her. She didn’t know whose car it was, but hers was stuck in behind it. She couldn’t be in labor … she still had a month to go. The pain came back: she was in labor all right, and she was going to pass out. Where was Sara? Where was anyone? She wanted to cry. Her head was spinning as the pain and heat wafted over her. Her legs buckled as they turned to jelly. She fell backward, and wanted to stop herself but knew she would hit the concrete, or lose the baby, and there was nothing she could do.