I snort. “They absolutely would. They would probably consider it a stress reliever.”
“Daltrey isn’t stressed,” Karen says firmly. “I’ve never seen a guy so ready to get hitched.”
I smile at that. He’s been pretty adorably excited about this whole thing, particularly since we decided to move it to the beach.
There’s a knock on the door and Lennon pokes his head in, eyes covered with his hand. “You all decent?”
“We’re decent,” I tell him. “Come in here and let me see how you look.” He comes into the room, striking a pose, and I give him a thumbs-up. Daltrey decided on something simple for his groomsmen—gray trousers, matching vest, and light green ties—to match my eyes, he said. Lennon looks great cleaned up, the stark white of the dress shirt contrasting nicely with his dark hair, which is a little shorter than usual. “Very nice, Len.”
“Thank you,” he says, then he stills, his eyes focusing on me as they go wide. “Daisy,” he murmurs. “You’re getting married.”
I laugh. “I know that, buddy.”
He shakes his head, coming over to me and kissing the side of my head, careful not to muss my hair. “You look amazing. Dalt’s gonna freak.”
“My sweet Lennon,” I say, patting the side of his face, and he rolls his eyes. “How is Dalt?”
“Great,” he says. “Not the slightest bit nervous.”
“Told you,” Karen says.
“He actually sent me over to pick up the little princess here.” He reaches for Rose. “So you can finish getting ready.”
“That would have been helpful before the diaper fiasco,” Paige mutters.
“My dress is fine. There was no fiasco.” I hand the baby off to Lennon, smiling at the way his face goes automatically into what I think of as the Ransome-boy-baby-induced-face-melt. I might tease these guys about their ridiculousness when it comes to Rose, but damn if I don’t love how much they all love her.
“This is a very pretty little flower girl dress, Miss Rose,” Lennon says, holding her up in front of him to get a look at her outfit. She reaches for his face, laughing, and I know she loves them all right back.
“Okay, I’ll get out of your way,” he says, leaning down to kiss my cheek one more time, disentangling Rose’s little fingers when she reaches for my hair again. He waves Rose’s hand. “Say bye to momma.” His eyes meet mine over her head, warm and familiar. “I’m so happy for you, Dais. See you out there?”
There’s a lump in my throat so I just nod at him, smiling, hoping he can see in my eyes how much I love him. I have a feeling he can—Lennon’s always good at that kind of thing. He waves Rose’s hand one more time and leaves.
“Okay,” Paige says, her tone business-like as she approaches me, brandishing a bottle of hairspray. “Let’s do some final checks.”
I meet Karen’s eyes over her head. “She’s going to be a nightmare when we do this all over again for her in a few weeks.”
“I will be too blissfully happy the day I marry Reed to worry about anything,” she says in a dreamy voice. Then her eyes harden. “Which is why it will be your job as bridesmaids to keep everything running smoothly.”
I know we’ll do whatever she says—you just don’t argue with Paige when she gets that scary look in her eye.
When she’s finished touching up my lip gloss and giving my hair a final spray, Paige steps back to look me over. “You look fantastic,” Karen tells me, coming over to join Paige.
“Perfect,” Paige corrects, dabbing at her tears. “She looks perfect.”
“Don’t you start.” I point a finger at her welling eyes. “I don’t want to cry today.”
She waves her hands in front of her face. “I’m trying. It’s just so amazing! You’ve loved each other for such a long time! And I love you so much and I’m so happy for you!”
I look over at Karen, prepared for one of our shared glances at Paige’s silliness, and am surprised when I see her wiping under her eyes as well.
“It really is amazing,” she agrees, sniffing.
I laugh because otherwise I know I’m going to cry. “Come here,” I say, holding out my arms for them, and they both step into my hug. “I love you both.”
“We love you, too!” Paige says. “So much!”
I close my eyes as I lean into Paige, thinking about these girls and how they befriended me, saving me from those days of boring, meaningless routine. How they pulled me out of that loneliness, that constant fear and empty sadness. How nice they had been in those early days, reaching out to me. How close we’ve grown since then. “You know,” I whisper, knowing I’m about to cry whether I want to or not. “You girls are the reason I’m here. You brought me back to him. Thank you for that.”
“Daisy!” Paige cries, and Karen and I laugh at the emotion in her voice. I release them, stepping back, while we all dab at our eyes.
“That’s enough sappiness,” Karen says, her voice shaking. “I want to look decent for the pictures.”
There’s a knock at the door and my dad sticks his head in. “It’s about that time,” he announces.
“We need mascara checks!” Paige cries, running to the mirror.
“You look great,” I tell her. “Both of you.” They really do. Their light green sundresses are gauzy and soft, perfect for the beach, somehow complimenting both Karen’s blonde curtain of hair and Paige’s dark curls. My dress is a little fancier, since I’d picked it out for a completely different venue, but I still think the lace covered, strapless A-line will work for the beach.
“Your flowers!” Paige says, handing me the bouquet of daisies—Daltrey’s main request for the ceremony. I take them from her and look up at my Dad. “I guess this is it.”
We already had our sappy moment earlier in the day. He’d come in after I had my dress on and helped me with my zipper, giving me a necklace that had been my mom’s, telling me how proud she’d be, how proud he was, how happy he was that we’re closer now, that our relationship is solid. We both cried and hugged and got it out of our system. But I’m still a little surprised that he’s not really giving me any reaction now, moments before we walk down the aisle. In fact, he’s staring at the ceiling, his face screwed up in concentration. He almost looks like he’s swaying a little…
“Dad, are you tipsy?”
He finally looks at me with a goofy smile. “Cash taught me to play beer pong!”
“Oh, dear God,” I mutter as Karen snorts behind her flowers. “You better not stumble down that aisle, mister.”
We start down the stairs to Cash’s living room, my dad and I following Paige and Karen, and I’m glad to see that he’s pretty steady on his feet. Through the massive windows at the front of the house, I can see our little crowd gathered on the beach. It’s only our closest friends and family, less than fifty people total, and they’re all sitting out on chairs on either side of the flower aisle. The day’s been sunny but some clouds are settling now, making it a bit darker than it would have been as the sun sets. I can see the flames of the tiki torches and I know that Daltrey is in front of them, waiting for me. I wish the girls would walk faster.
“Okay,” Paige says once we’ve reached the sliding glass doors that will lead us to the deck and then the beach. “You can see us pretty good from right here. So just remember—don’t come down until you see me get to the front. That’s when the music will change.”
“Got it,” I tell her. We’ve been over this a hundred times. To be honest, I don’t really care about the timing or the music. Now that I’m this close to Daltrey, I just want to get there. But I wait with my dad while first Karen and then Paige make their way out onto the sand.
“I love you, baby girl,” my dad says, kissing the top of my head, and then we’re crossing out into the remaining rays of sunlight.
I intentionally don’t look at Daltrey first, because I know I’ll never be able to tear my eyes away once I do that and I want to see the others, want to remember every bit of this day and the p
eople I love. So I let my eyes sweep along the guests first. Will is in the front row, next to Ruby, Wyatt, Sam, and Haylee, and he’s smiling at me. I send up a little prayer of thanks that things have changed so much between him and his sons in the last few weeks, glad that he’s here, glad that any unpleasantness between me and him has long since passed.
Then my gaze moves to the wedding party. They’re all standing in a group, instead of being divided into a bride side and a groom side—we figured the Ransome boys are just as much my brothers as they are Dalt’s. They’re all there, smiling at me so big it takes my breath away, Reed and Cash and Lennon—who’s still holding Rose, fast asleep on his chest with her fingers curled up in the ends of his hair. Levi is there too, right next to Lennon. And Karen and Paige, who are both crying again. I try to imprint their faces on my mind so I’ll never forget how this feels.
Then I finally look at Daltrey and it’s all I can do not to sprint the rest of the way down the aisle.
He looks perfect in his vest and tie, a little clutch of daisies pinned above his heart. I don’t bother to stifle a giggle when I look at his tousled hair, knowing he must have spent some time making it perfect, imagining Cash ragging on him for it. He grins in response to my laugh, even though he can’t possibly know what has me amused. But that’s the thing about Daltrey—he’s always arranged his emotions around mine, sad when I’m sad, laughing when I laugh, happy when I smile. He arranges his whole world around me, putting me right at the center of all of it. And now he does the same thing with Rose. We are so, so lucky, I think. So lucky to have this man.
His gaze never wavers from my face as I walk with my dad toward him, those familiar blue eyes that I’ve loved since I was a girl bright against the setting sun. He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and I can tell from the look on his face that he’s thinking the exact same thing about me.
At the end of the aisle my dad hugs me and then hugs Daltrey and then, finally, I can take his hands, feel his skin against mine, entwine my fingers with his. “You look beautiful,” he whispers, leaning down to kiss me softly.
“Hey, it’s not time for that yet,” Cash says.
“Shut up, Cash,” we say in unison before turning together to face the officiant.
A lot of the ceremony is a blur and I’m glad we decided to hire a videographer so I can go back and actually listen to the readings. I’m just too keyed up to take most of it in, too aware of Daltrey next to me. He’s the only thing I can think about, my sole focus. When it’s time to say our vows, we turn back to face each other.
We spent a lot of time figuring out what we wanted to say. We both liked the idea of personalized vows, but I started to get panicky when I thought about saying such private things in front of a crowd of people—even if it was smaller than originally planned. In the end, we decided to write something together, something that we both could say. Something simple and honest, the promises that we wanted to make to each other.
Daltrey goes first. “Daisy, I promise to love you. I promise to never forget the past that we share, the past that brought us to this moment, the way we fought for each other and loved each other. But I also promise that our past won’t be my focus—that I’ll always look towards the future and enjoy the present that we’re so lucky to have. I promise you a life with laughter and music and love. And I promise to always tell Rose how important that love is, how it’s always worth fighting for, and to make sure she knows that she can do anything she sets her mind to, just like you’ve always done. I’m so happy that you’re my family.”
I repeat the same words back to Daltrey, make him the same promises about our life and our love and our daughter. And then we’re exchanging rings and I can’t stop laughing, knowing that this is it, that we’re about to be married, tied to each other forever. When the officiant announces that we’re finally husband and wife, Daltrey sweeps me up into a kiss without having been told to, laughing just as much as I am against my mouth and my cheeks as he trails his lips over my face, again and again.
Rose wakes up in the cheering that follows and we finally pull apart so Daltrey can take her from Lennon. She calms right away against his chest and he puts his other arm around me so we can walk back up the aisle together, our little family of three. His brothers and the girls join us back on the deck, everyone laughing and hugging and congratulating us.
“This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my life,” he whispers against my ear.
I just look up at him, this boy I’ve loved since I was five, too overwhelmed by my joy to speak. Our life won’t be perfect, because life never is—Daltrey and I know that better than most. There will be hard times, just like there have been in the past. But we got through those times together, and I know we’ll do the same going forward. Because that’s what we do, what we’ve always done for each other—we make the hard times worth it, every time we’re together.
“I love you,” I tell him, whispering it to Rose, too. The words aren’t enough, they don’t begin to cover everything that I’m feeling. But I know that Daltrey gets it, whether I find the words or not. Because he feels the same way I do. He always has.
Will
18 Years Ago
It’s been raining all day. It was drizzling when I took the boys to school this morning, raining when I went to work ten hours ago, and when I get in my car to go home, it’s a damn downpour. I glance at the clock, wincing when I see how late it is. My boss offered me a few extra hours at the end of the day, and I couldn’t really say no. We definitely need the money—Lennon’s therapist isn’t exactly cheap. But this is late for the boys to be home alone. Reed is about as responsible as a kid can be, but he’s still just a kid, and he shouldn’t be in charge of his brothers at night. Probably shouldn’t be in charge of them any time. There might even be laws about it, a ten-year-old babysitting. But I don’t have a lot of options right now, not when Lillian and my mom are unavailable.
I rest my head against the steering wheel, the exhaustion settling in right along with the doubt and the guilt. We’ve been in Ohio for exactly a week, and I barely feel like I’m keeping my head above water.
Sitting here in the parking lot isn’t helping, I tell myself, putting my key in the ignition.
I pass a couple bars on my way to the house, a few advertising live music, and the desire to disappear inside one of them, to drink away all the sickness in my belly, is almost overwhelming. I did that a few times in California, before we left. It’s part of the reason why we left—I figured the temptation wouldn’t be so bad here, away from my friends and the guys I used to play with. Hiding in a bar never helped, never really felt like an escape. Because I’d wake up hungover on the couch in the morning and see Reed getting cereal for his brothers and everything would feel much worse. It was one thing to leave them to work, another entirely to leave them to go drink away my broken heart.
So I drive past the bars without slowing, the rain pounding down on the windshield, making it hard to see. Thunder cracks loudly overhead, lightning flashing in the dark sky, and I hope the storm doesn’t wake up the kids. Daltrey has nightmares sometimes. More since Rebecca left.
I pull up in front of the house and see the lights on downstairs. I’ll have to talk to Reed about that. I can’t afford to light the house while they’re asleep. But when I open the door into the kitchen, I see that they aren’t sleeping. They’re all in the kitchen, dressed in pajamas at the table, mugs of what appears to be hot chocolate in front of them.
“This is pretty late,” I say, eyes going to the clock above the sink. Cash shrinks back a little and Daltrey’s wide, worried eyes travel between Reed and me.
“The storm woke up the kids,” he says, and I can tell he’s trying to make his voice sound grown up. “The thunder was pretty loud.”
Daltrey’s eyes are huge in his face, his lip trembling a little.
“You made them hot chocolate?”
Reed straightens his shoulders. “And Pop Tarts.”
“But we ate those already,” Cash adds. He jumps a little and I think Reed probably kicked him under the table.
“They were kind of scared,” Reed says. “Lennon came into my room.”
I look over at Lennon. Predictably, he’s been silent since I came in. He’s been silent for weeks. His eyes are nearly as large as Daltrey’s. They all look terrified. I don’t know if it’s from the storm or because they think they’re going to be in trouble.
“You did a good job,” I tell Reed and he immediately sits taller, his face brightening. I come around behind him and rustle his hair. “I count on you to take care of your brothers when I have to work.”
“We all listened real good,” Cash says quickly, and I smile at him.
“I count on that, too. I’m proud of all you boys.” Cash is smiling, looking shy. Reed’s chest is puffed out at the praise. Daltrey’s lip has stopped shaking. And Lennon is still staring at me with those wide, scared eyes.
“Let’s get on up to bed now,” I tell them, just as another roll of thunder shakes the air.
Daltrey throws himself at Reed, burying his face in his brother’s arm. And God, how fucked up is this, the way they’re all starting to look up to him so much. He’s too little for that, just a kid himself. But I have no idea what to do about it, how to fix it, and I suddenly feel so angry at Rebecca I could turn over the table, could break every piece of furniture in this kitchen.
Instead I sigh, peeling Daltrey off of Reed and pulling him up into my arms. He wraps his hands around the back of my neck, his tiny body trembling. “It’s just a storm, Dalt,” I tell him. “It can’t hurt you.”
“It’s too loud.”
I look back to the other boys and it strikes me how quiet this house is. Our house in California was never quiet, at least not when Rebecca was still there. It was filled with the sounds from the radio or the television, the sound of instruments when my friends would come over to jam. The sound of Rebecca’s voice on the phone. The sound of the boys playing. When was the last time I heard them play? Heard them get loud, like little kids are supposed to be?
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