by Burke, Dez
“Dinner is almost ready,” Cole says. “I’m cooking. Give me five minutes and we’ll all sit down together to eat.”
“What about my peanuts?” Dad asks.
“You’re about to have dinner. Peanuts will spoil your appetite.”
Dad ignores him and continues to prowl aimlessly through the cabinets until he finds the pack of peanuts. He wanders back into the living room. I hear him turn up the volume of the evening news playing loudly on the TV. Cole doesn’t miss a beat and keeps on working.
“You’ve got your hands full here, huh?” I say.
I’m trying to lighten the mood with the comment, but Cole doesn’t take it that way.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. We need you here.”
“You seem to have things under control,” I say. “You should wear a t-shirt that says Super Dad in big letters across the chest.”
“Quit joking around,” Cole snaps back at me. “It’s not easy keeping things running here. I’m up at the crack of dawn every day to feed the animals, then I get Dad up and dressed, and Lily ready for school. After breakfast, I load them both into the car, which is harder than it sounds because Dad moves in slow motion unless he’s trying to escape. After dropping Lily off at school, we come back here and I park Dad in front of the TV so I can take care of the rest of the chores.”
I frown at him. “What else are you trying to do here all by yourself?”
“Well, let’s see. I have to clean out the barn, check on the crops, and do everything else it takes to run this place. The whole time I’m running back and forth to the house while trying to keep my eye on Dad. I fix his lunch, make sure he takes his meds, and keep him from wandering off. At three, it’s time to pick up Lily from preschool, so I load Dad back into the car, which always makes him mad because he thinks he has work to do.”
I shake my head at him. “It makes me exhausted just listening to you,” I say.
“When we get back, I set Lily up with something to do, get Dad in front of the TV again, and then run out to the pasture to herd the cattle back in, give them their evening feed, and start on dinner for everyone. By the time we eat and I’ve cleaned up, it’s time to get Dad and Lily ready for bed.”
“My God, Cole!” I say in surprise. “You can’t keep this up. How do you manage? This is insane.”
Cole shoots me an angry glare. “I get it done because I don’t have a choice, but it’s not easy. If I seem as if I have things under control, it’s because I give this family and this farm one-hundred and ten percent every day. Things are definitely not under control. Appearances can be deceiving.”
I lean back and cross my arms, feeling like a kid being scolded by the principal in school.
“I want to help. Tell me how.” I watch Cole pour a glass of milk for Lily. “You know I can get you as much help in here as you need. I’ll sort it out before I go. Money is not a worry.”
Cole frowns at me. “I’m not asking for a handout from you. The Hambys don’t ask people for money.”
“I realize that. It’s not a handout. This is my family too. I don’t know what you want me to do. I need to help you and Dad.”
“I want you to be here, helping to do your share,” he says. “I can’t shoulder the responsibility of the farm and Dad all on my own. Not anymore.”
I let out a long breath.
We’ve had this argument before.
“I know you don’t want me in Nashville, but I’ve got to do what’s right for me. You know I could never stand farming. I was never meant to be a farmer. I hate it.”
Cole crosses his arms and leans back against the sink while fixing me with an angry, intimidating stare.
“Sorry, that’s the way it is, and nothing has changed,” I say in a determined voice, unwilling to be intimidated by my big brother. “I’ll help out how I can, but I’m never going to be satisfied herding cattle and tending to pecan trees. If you’ve ever heard anything I’ve said, you should know that by now.”
“And what about being here for your father?”
“Dad would want me to be happy,” I say, a little unsure if that’s true.
“Dad wanted you here.”
His words sting. I know they’re true. Dad never wanted me to go to Nashville, either. He never understood why I didn’t want to follow in his footsteps and stay in Monroe, even with my success.
I sigh heavily. “I’m here now, aren’t I?”
“Can I eat my macaroni now, Daddy?” Lily pipes up to ask. “Is it ready?”
She walks over and stands up on tiptoe to peek into the boiling pot of pasta on the stove.
“Be careful,” Cole warns, grabbing her shoulder quickly and pulling her back. “Don’t get burned on the stove. Go sit back down with Levi and I’ll fix your plate.”
The bitter conversation ends as quickly as it started. Cole grabs a stack of plates out of the cabinet and hands them to me to serve up a pot roast dinner out of a slow cooker. All the ingredients are fresh from local farms.
After giving everyone a plate, I dig into the meat, potatoes, and carrots. I’ve missed simple, home-cooked foods.
“This is good,” I say. “I didn’t know you could cook.”
“I’m learning,” he says. “Mostly I just throw a bunch of stuff into a crock pot or on the grill. Nothing fancy.”
Dad stares down dully at his plate and folds his arms. “I’m not hungry,” he says.
“That’s fine, Dad,” Cole says to him. “You don’t have to eat. I’ll wrap it up for later. Let me know when you get hungry again and I’ll heat it back up for you.” He glances over at me and shrugs his shoulders. “It’s hard to get everyone on the same eating schedule. Dad loves to snack.”
I take a good long look at my father. The strange thing is, he doesn’t seem much different than the last time I saw him. He’s still a big man, well over six foot tall. He’s seventy-eight years old, but not frail.
His arms are tanned from long days working the farm in the past, and, more recently, sitting on the porch watching Cole in the fields. He’s wearing his favorite blue shirt and slacks. His hair is gray and white, smoothed back. His face is wrinkled and dotted with liver spots.
There’s nothing on the outside to suggest that his mind is in decline. He still looks the same as my father always did.
“What are you staring at, son?” he asks me. “Do I have mud on my face?”
“I was thinking how good you look,” I say.
He grins at me and his smile is the same as always. His eyes crinkle with amusement.
“You bet I do. It’s the fresh air on the farm. You’re a little pale and could use some sun yourself. A bit of hard work might do you a world of good. Are you helping out your brother in the fields?”
He sounds like his old self. Maybe he’s not as bad off as Cole seems to think.
“Sure, I’ll help out Cole while I’m here.”
“Where are you going?” Dad asks. “I didn’t know you were leaving town.”
Cole steals a glance at me with sad, tired eyes. I’m not sure how to respond. I’m not sure if Dad knows or remembers that I’m in Nashville now.
“Nowhere, Dad. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.”
Dinner ends and a few hours later, Cole gets Lily ready for bed. After she’s tucked in, he comes down again and we watch TV. When eleven o’clock nears, Cole turns to Dad.
“Are you about ready for bed?” Cole asks.
Dad’s eyes narrow. “What do you mean?”
“It’s getting late and we need to be up early in the morning. Should I take you upstairs and help you get ready for bed?”
Dad folds his arms over his chest and scowls. “No, I’ll go to bed when I’m damned well ready to go to bed. I’m not tired.”
Cole closes his eyes and takes a deep, patient breath.
I lower my voice and lean closer to Cole to ask, “Does he have to go to bed now? Why can’t he stay up and watch TV with us a little longer?”
/>
“Because he loses sense of time and stays up all night watching reruns. Besides, I don’t want him being downstairs alone if we’re all upstairs in bed. Sometimes he gets up in the middle of the night, and I’m worried about him wandering out the front door.”
“Is there a chance you’re overreacting?” I ask him. “I don’t see the harm in letting him stay up a little longer. I’ll stay up with him. It will give us a chance to catch up.”
Cole frowns, his glare growing angry. “Let me do my thing here, Levi. I know what I’m doing. I know what’s best for him. It’s not good for his schedule to be thrown off. Consistency is good.”
“What’s the big deal if he stays up later? He’s a grown man.”
He cuts me off with a scowl. “You’ve been here five minutes and you’re already rocking the boat. If you want a say in how I take care of Dad, then you need to be here for more than just a weekend visit. Otherwise, you do things my way and trust I know better than you what he needs. I’ve been taking care of him day in and day out for a long time.”
I hold my hands up. “Okay, okay. Alright. Not another word from me. It’s sure as hell not worth fighting about.”
Cole picks up the remote and turns off the TV. Dad slams his hands down on the arms of his armchair and turns around with a crazy expression on his face.
I’m shocked to see his eyes take on an enraged glare I’ve never seen on him before. He’s always been a calm, mild-mannered man, patient and kind.
“You turn that TV back on!” he says, pointing a finger at Cole. “You listen to me, young man. I’m your father. Turn it back on. Right now.”
“It’s a repeat, Dad. You can watch it in the morning. It’s already been recorded.”
Dad slams his hand so hard on the chair arm again, I’m afraid he’ll be bruised in the morning.
“I’m your father! You do what I say!”
Cautiously, Cole approaches Dad and tries to gently help him up from his chair.
“I’ll turn on the TV in your room for you,” Cole says calmly. “You can finish watching it there.”
I draw in a sharp breath as I watch Dad begin to slam his fists down on Cole’s forearms to try and shove him away.
“Don’t touch me, dammit! I’m staying right here. Turn the TV back on. This is my house.”
My dad’s eyes are like a man possessed, the warm twinkle that has always been there is gone.
Replaced by something or someone that I don’t recognize.
I fight the urge to step in between them or beg Cole to give in to Dad’s demands. I don’t because I’ve already been told to mind my place once tonight.
Truthfully, I’m not sure how to handle this situation anyway. It’s nothing I’ve ever dealt with before.
I hold my tongue and stay out of it, although it makes a lump rise in my throat to see my dad behaving out of character, and to see Cole the target of the sudden, inexplicable rage.
No wonder he feels overwhelmed.
Who wouldn’t?
Dad is yelling accusations now about things that don’t make any sense. His voice is so loud, I’m sure they must be able to hear him at the next farm.
The sound wakes Lily and she suddenly appears at the top of the staircase, gripping onto the bars of the banister with a fearful expression on her face.
Cole glances up at her. “It’s okay, sweetheart,” he tells her while he’s still half-wrestling with our dad. “Your Papa just isn’t feeling well. Go on back to bed.”
Lily turns and then runs back to her room, clutching a stuffed dog tightly to her chest for comfort.
My god.
This is a nightmare I never expected to step into.
“You don’t respect your own father!” Dad yells at him, so angry he’s spitting the words. “You should be ashamed of yourself. Turn loose of my arm.”
Cole doesn’t respond to Dad’s insults, and instead patiently weathers the storm until Dad has worn himself out enough to be coaxed upstairs.
When Cole returns twenty minutes later, I can see the total exhaustion and despair in his expression.
He pours himself a whiskey and one for me, then collapses into the armchair where Dad was sitting.
“Just another fun-filled day at the farm,” he says before taking a long swig.
I sit down on the sofa and lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. I shake my head. “What the hell is happening here? I’ve never seen him this way before. He’s never had a temper.”
“As you can see, he certainly has a temper now,” Cole says. “And has for a while.”
“Has anyone given you advice about how to deal with him when he’s in one of these moods?” I ask.
Cole throws me an exasperated stare. “Are you trying to say I’m doing a bad job?”
“No. Jesus! You’re too sensitive where Dad is concerned. That’s not what I’m saying, at all. I’m saying it looks tough as hell, and maybe you need some outside help.”
“I do need help,” Cole confesses. “God knows I need all the help I can get. That’s why I asked you to come home. I’m in over my head here since Dad has gotten worse.”
He sighs, shaking his head.
“Lily needs me to be a good father. I’m all she’s got. I have to spend so much time keeping Dad under control, she’s not getting the time and attention she needs from me. I’m spreading myself so thin that I’m failing them both. All I do is run back and forth between them. And the farm, which is about to go under. If we have one more season of freakish bad weather, we’re done. Another bad summer storm or extreme cold snap and that’s it.”
My brother has always been the strong one, the rock of the family. I always admired him and knew that no matter what came along, he would take care of it. Now I realize, I’ve always taken him for granted.
“Something has to give, Cole. This isn’t working.”
“If I don’t get help, I’ll have no choice but to put Dad in a facility somewhere where he can get some real care.” Cole’s voice breaks at the thought. “I don’t want to do that. It would kill me. Have you ever been inside a nursing home? He’s been a phenomenal father. It would be the worst kind of betrayal to abandon him and stick him away. He wants to stay here in his home. Mama would never forgive us if she knew we put him somewhere and locked him up.”
“Then let me pay for someone to come into the house,” I offer. “Round-the-clock care. I can make it happen.”
“I don’t think a stranger will be able to help. You saw how distressed Dad gets when it’s me trying to get him to follow a routine. Imagine how he would be if a stranger was telling him what to do. He gets so upset and angry. He needs familiar people around. People that care about him.”
I reach out and place my hand on Cole’s forearm. “There’s only so much you can do,” I say firmly. “You should at least consider the idea of getting some professional help. Who knows? It could be just what he needs. Maybe he needs more or something different than what you can give him. You should at least give it a try.”
“Maybe,” Cole says. “Bringing in outside help doesn’t feel like being a good son or loyalty to me.”
“Loyalty is about what’s doing what’s best for him, no matter what.”
“You don’t know what’s best for him,” he argues.
“Maybe not,” I agree. “I’ll grant you that. But I know what’s best for you and for Lily. You’re run ragged here trying to do everything. Something has to give in this situation.”
“Then help me. Please.”
I let out a long breath and hold up my hands helplessly.
“God knows, I’m trying. I promise you, I’ll figure something out.”
10
Annie
Taylor’s mouth is hanging wide open in shock. She’s so intensely focused on my story that her wine glass is about to drop out of her hand.
“No way,” she says, her brown eyes widening. “Levi is back? For real? And you talked to him?”
“Yes, believe it o
r not. Levi’s back. It was weird seeing him again after all this time.”
She adjusts her position so she’s sitting cross-legged on the sofa seat beside me. We’re having one of our girls’ nights in, but this is the first time in forever that I’ve had any gossip worth mentioning to bring to the table.
Usually, it’s Taylor who has the stories to tell. This time, I’m the one with big news.
She flicks her auburn hair over her shoulder and leans forward intently. “How was it seeing him again? Give me all the juicy details. Don’t leave anything out.”
A warm tingle spreads through my body when I remember the moment when he stepped out of the truck and we locked eyes.
“Amazing,” I say. “Almost as if he’d never been gone at all.”
Cradling my wine glass against my chest, I tuck my legs up under me.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see him again to be honest. He hasn’t tried to contact me on any of the other occasions when he’s come back to Monroe for holidays. Seeing him again in person took me back in time. His eyes are still the same deep green I remember.”
“I’ve always said his first song was about you,” she says. “The two of you still have something big going on.”
I roll my eyes at her.
Here we go again.
“The song is not about me. Why do people keep saying that? There are a million other blue-eyed girls in this world.”
Blue Eyes of Heaven has been a constant point of speculation between Taylor and me since it was released a few years ago. She’s convinced the song is about me.
I’ve always been adamant the lyrics are completely random, probably written to a popular country music trope at the time. We argue back and forth about it at least once a week.
“Of course it is,” she says. “You guys were always crazy in love. Even way back in middle school. I couldn’t believe it when he left town so soon after high school graduation. I thought you were going to be one of those childhood sweetheart couples who elope, and sixty years later are still telling the story of how they fell in love when they were ten. You’ve got to admit that what you and Levi had was more than a casual fling.”