by Dani Wyatt
Blinding doubt cascades over me. Just how sheltered and naive I still am hits me in waves. What did I think? Out in the big world for a few weeks and I’ve got it all under control? Like I thought I did when I went to school?
I imagine all the things I’ve written and sent to Griffin. The pictures, the music, everything, all being put on some sort of display as a joke. My father’s voice telling me the outside is evil and I can’t protect myself.
That’s not Griffin. It’s not. It can’t be, because he and I have something special.
The other voice in my head fights back, but I’m just not sure anymore. I know we aren’t going to talk on the phone tonight. He said he’s been working almost twenty hours a day on some big ‘secret’ project. But maybe the truth is he does have other girls. Women.
Whatever.
And keeping me corralled at a distance explains a lot of his evasiveness about why he’s unavailable so often for phone calls—and even email.
Zeus is crunching on a Milk-Bone, lying on his back showing me that soft tummy. His puppy chewing is getting out of control. I’ve lost two of my five pairs of shoes to him already and had to resort to keeping him locked up in the kitchen whenever I’m gone.
Turns out that’s probably best for him anyway. Otherwise he can get into things that are dangerous. Griffin has had four dogs in his life, all from puppies, and he’s helped me so much in dealing with Zeus.
How can that be the same person that would make me into a laughing stock?
That puppy journal has actually been great. I’m writing so much every day, between the two emails I send, and my puppy report, I’m like a journalist on a deadline every day. Who knew a puppy and a relationship could be so much work?
A relationship? Is that what this is?
“You feel better?” I ask as Zeus finishes his Milk-Bone. I smile down at the little furball as he stares up at me; his puppy breath so offensive and lovable at the same time. Zues’s tail wagging and hitting the leg of the dining chair where I’ve plopped myself.
I reach down and scoop him up with a groan
I tuck him into my lap as he wiggles and licks my fingers. I’ve changed into my pink fuzzy robe, took a quick shower after our walk, trying to clear my thoughts. My hair is spun up on top of my head in a threadbare towel which was left behind when we took off into the night. Lucky I suppose that we didn’t take all that much that night, so the house was fairly well equipped for living in when I returned, albeit everything is a bit worn out and sad. But it’s functional.
Zeus curls up and I lift the top of the laptop with a deep breath. The warring of two sides in my head needs to be put to sleep, so I’m hoping whatever I find in my inbox tonight will help settle my grinding fear. A million ways I want to ask him about that photo on Amanda’s phone spin over and around each other as I start to read.
Hi Wildflower.
Hope you are having a great day. I’m in the coffee shop across from the office, so I don’t have much time. I can’t wait to wrap up this project so I can be more available for you. I’m sorry to be so secretive about things, but that’s the way it is right now.
I talked to my parents yesterday. I don’t think I told you all about them. They are great, but my mom has MS and her medical condition has been hard on them. My dad had to retire early to take care of her and to be honest, I do whatever I can to help them out. I got a signing bonus when I took this contract, and I used that to pay off some of her medical bills and the second mortgage on the house, which was getting way behind. Believe it or not, I considered not coming here after I met you that night. But like I said, I’d already committed to the contract, and received the signing bonus, which I would have had to pay back and my parents needed me. Since she got sick, their finances have been a struggle and I want to do whatever I can to help them out.
I loved the song you sent yesterday. You are so talented. Oh and don’t worry about not being a good cook, I’m actually a great cook. Again, when Mom got sick, I took over the cooking because my dad was a disaster in the kitchen. Ha ha. And I’ve even been researching vegan recipes and the health benefits of that diet. But there are some things you have to be careful about as well. Keeping you healthy is the most important thing. I can’t wait to get home and cook you a big meal. I know you don’t eat right and that bothers me.
And, listen, this is going to sound a little tough but I’m as serious as a heart attack. If you make one more remark about thinking you need to lose weight or any of that nonsense, you and I are going to have words. You are stunning. Every soft curve on your body is what my dreams are made of. If you lose one inch—one pound—I will be heartbroken. And, if you say anything else negative about how you look, I may just turn you bottom up and give you a spanking the first time we see each other (Maybe we will do that anyway. Just a thought...).
And your journal entry from back before we started writing... wow. I almost passed out, it was so sweet and sexy. Just imagining you writing down your thoughts about me when we weren’t even talking somehow makes me feel so much closer to you. The way you described our kiss and the kisses you would have liked to have more of, honesty time here, I had to take a moment and relieve some of the pressure you seem to build up in me every time I read your notes or even think of you.
It’s late here, the stars are out and I look at them and think of that night. That we were sitting there looking at these same stars together and I feel closer to you. The way you put your head on my chest that night. Jesus, I thought I would come undone it felt so right having you there like that. I go to sleep every night, imagining you lying next to me, your head on my chest.
It makes me so happy we’ve been able to talk about those sorts of things, too. The steamier things. I know you were a little shocked when I told you I was a virgin. And more shocked when I started to send you my second set of emails. The not-quite-triple-x-but-more-than-R-rated ones...
So, I guess you’ve picked up on the fact that I have a very healthy sex drive despite never having acted on it. I’ve just been waiting for the right girl to share this special part of my life with. I know I’ve told you, but you are the only thing I think of at night. We haven’t come right out and said it, but when we do finally meet in person, I want you to know, we don’t have to do anything. It’s up to you how quickly we move in that department. Trust me, I’ll be ready at the drop of a hat, but I don’t want you to feel rushed. Just because we’ve crossed the line here in our notes and our phone calls, talking about sexy things and all, when it comes to being there in person, I’ll be as patient as you need me to be.
I haven’t died yet from being a virgin, so I imagine I’ll live a little longer (maybe).
Okay, time for the bad news. They won’t even consider my transfer request. I’ve been told that’s final, but I’m hoping when this project is complete that might change. We are so close to finding the last details to put all the evidence together and turn it over, but we just aren’t quite there yet. I can’t even get an approval for a few days off, because if I could I would fly home just to spend an hour with you. But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen for a little longer. I don’t think I can call you for a couple days either. Between your schedule and mine, I don’t think I will have the chance. But I’ll write you every day. I’ve attached a couple more emails from the past also, which should keep you busy reading for a while. I was quite verbose that day.
Okay, Wildflower, I don’t want to go but I have to get back to work. Rodrick is texting me skulls and crossbones.
Be safe. I worry about you all the time. Keep the security system on. Eat right and get some sleep. You don’t get enough sleep, especially now with Zeus around. Send me a picture if you have time. I need my fix.
Sweet dreams,
Griffin
My eyes prickle with tears and I’m not sure why. Zeus hums in my lap, softly snoring as I reach over to bring my teacup to my lips and take a slow sip.
Griffin is so sweet, but I still
shake with questions about that picture. If he went out, why didn’t he mention it? I shake my head; I can’t let Amanda’s games mess with something I know in my heart is right.
I resolve to put it out of my mind. He’s given me no reason to doubt him, and until he does, I’m done giving her any power over me. Over us. Because there most definitely is an us and that’s pretty amazing for someone like me.
It also makes me wonder about my dad. Since I’ve been back here I’ve thought more about him. About our life. He always worked as a carpenter and handyman, but being out in the world more and more, I realize just how poor we were. He worked, nearly all the time, yet we scraped by. Maybe he worked for next to nothing, because neither Mom, nor I, nor the house saw much in the way of where the money went.
My phone rings and I jump and wake up Zeus who looks at me with sleepy eyes.
I grab my phone, hoping to see the international number pop up, but instead it’s Katie’s picture on my screen. I press the green button and say hello.
“You up?”
“Uhhhh, yep.”
“I’m coming over.”
“Why? I’m tired.” A sour tone tips my words more than intended. “Besides, I don’t need you taunting me anymore. This morning was enough.”
“Hey, I just call it like I see it. You’re in love with him. It shows on your face; it shows in the way you walk. You’re happier and I love it. He’s even made you more confident. You may not want to admit it, but I know what I see and you’re in love.” She huffs. “But that’s not why I’m coming over.”
“Why do you need to come? It’s almost one o’clock in the morning.”
“You know that’s the middle of the day for me, right? Besides,” She pauses but I can hear her take a deep breath, “you’re up and Dad told me fucking Amanda messed with you tonight. Those girls are fucked. Don’t let them bother you.”
“I didn’t. It’s okay. I’m just sleepy.”
“Well, that’s not the only thing, I’m coming anyway, for just a minute, and you can’t stop me. The postman couldn’t get to your porch to deliver a package yesterday because you have that padlock on your gate like Fort Knox over there. And the new security system, damn girl. Griff wants you all to himself and he’s not even around. But, anyway, you got a package so the postman brought it to our house to give to you. Dad meant to bring it to the restaurant tonight but he forgot. He just got home and remembered he’d forgotten to mention it tonight.”
“A package? Who’s it from?” I clear my throat, a flutter in my belly makes me start thinking it’s another gift from Griffin. Last week he sent me this beautiful soft yellow nightgown sort of thing. Gauzy fabric, tied in the front, low cut, hits me about mid-thigh. Sexy, but still sweet, and inside the box was also five pounds of the most delicious German chocolate in the universe.
“The return address says Federal Correctional Inst. Milan, MI. It’s from your dad.”
C H A P T E R E L E V E N
GRIFFIN
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Gerhardt Lennox has been studying our report for the last four hours and he’s still swearing at us.
Rodrick and I sit in matching chairs with our hands on our knees, unsure how to respond to the question any differently than the last time. He called us in his office five minutes ago and he’s already repeated it three times.
“I’ve had two senior analysts on this since you sent it to me.” He glares at us, takes his glasses off his nose and drops them on his desk like a thump. You would think we’d delivered him the worst news in the history of forensic accounting instead of cracking open a chest full of international drama that could help our defense department bring down some covert contributions to some of our enemies. Groups that are funneling money to all sorts of arms dealers that are supplying the cells fighting against our own troops. “And your report looks solid. Belt and fucking braces. How did you two cubs keep this under wraps? I’ve noticed you here at all hours, keeping your noses down, but I never thought you could have found something like this.”
He picks his glasses up again and fingers his mouse, scrolling the screen in front of him where the conclusion of our findings are laid out in black and white.
“Griff found it first. He started digging, then when he thought it was really something we both worked it hard just to be sure. We didn’t want to hand over anything that wasn’t as near sure as it could possibly be.” Rodrick glances over at me, then adds, “sir.”
Gerhardt cracks a rare smile. “Looks like you two are about to become the new golden boys.”
“Sir.” As happy as I am about putting this all together and the accolades that seem to be forthcoming, there is only one thing I want. “Can you see if you can push through my transfer request?” He glares at me, but I push on. “And,” I clear my throat, “I also put in for a week off... more if I can get it. I can work from stateside, sir; there’s an office not far from my house. I really need to get home for a while.”
Rodrick looks over at me like I’ve just asked for Batman to swoop down and carry me off.
Gerhardt shakes his head.
I don’t fucking care. It’s been nearly a month since Talia sent me that first email, and the truth is, I’m going to have permanent ball damage if I don’t get home and get my tongue inside her. I’m cheering for my cock’s chances as well. The thought of pushing inside her for the first time is a constant in my brain. I need to kiss her and make her cum. About a million times.
Heat is gathering in my gut. I burst up out of my chair, my fists tightening. The tension tightening in the back of my neck. This is not the time for my temper to show itself, but there’s something about the thought of anyone keeping me from her that’s setting me off more than ever.
Maybe it’s the long hours, but I have to steady my breath, talk myself down as Rodrick looks at me like I’m losing my mind, which maybe I am.
I clear my throat and sit back down. “I’m going home for a week. You can approve it or not, but I’m going.” I keep my voice steady, hoping like fuck I’ll still have a job in the next few minutes.
After twenty minutes of Gerhardt grunting and swearing at me, he gives me my week. He said the senior analysts will be working round the clock on our data, so I will need to stay close to my phone, but that with all the hours we’ve put in, he couldn’t really turn down my application for leave.
I don’t know if my little outburst helped me or not, but my time off starts today. He didn’t say much about my transfer request, as it seems he wants to keep us under his wing—I think we make him look good—but I will fight that battle another time. Right now, I’m so fucking excited that I’m about to burst.
Rodrick is laughing at me as I stuff my laptop into my bag. “You going to be okay? You’re going to have to move to get to the airport in time.”
“Yeah I know. I can’t believe he let me go like today.” I’m nearly out of breath. I can’t email Talia from here inside the building, so I will try to call her or email her on my phone on my way to the airport.
“I think he’s trying to figure out how to spin it to make himself look as good as he possibly can. Having you out of here for a few days probably works in his best interests. Anyway, good luck with her. I hope she likes you in person. I’m not so sure about this whole long distance thing, but I’m sort of sick of hearing about her, so I’m happy for the break from your love struck, puppy dog eyes to tell you the truth.”
“Shut up, Rodrick, you need to work on your material if you’re ever going to be as funny as you think you are.”
I stuff my desk chair under the top of my cubicle surface and turn on my heel. I’m not even going to bother with the elevator. I’m a runner, and I can take the stairs faster.
I wave my hand in the air, my phone gripped in my fist as I hail a cab. I got a text off to Derrick to pick me up at the airport, gave him my flight info, and next I’m calling Talia. It only takes a minute before a black Mercedes cab pulls over to the curb. It took me a while
to get used to the fact that over here the cabs are some of the nicest cars we’ve got in the States, but now it barely raises my eyebrows.
I stuff my phone into my computer bag as I reach my hand to open the door just as another car slams on its brakes, coming within a few inches of hitting the cab stopped in front of me.
“Jesus.” I mutter, staring at the vehicle that just nearly took out my airport ride. The guy behind the wheel of the Fiat looks at me with unfocused eyes. I don’t have time to see what his deal is, so I snap open the door handle, ready to toss my computer bag onto the empty back seat, when the Fiat lurches forward again, smacking into the back of my cab and throwing me off balance. My computer bag falls into the street under the cab, while the driver starts shouting in German.
He throws the cab into drive moving it forward and all I can do is watch in frozen horror as the back tire of the cab runs over my black case.
I hear the crunch, and thank goodness I’m a control freak and everything on my laptop is mirrored to a virtual machine, so it’s safe, but this is not what I need right now.
The two drivers immediately start warring in the street. I manage to get the cab driver to reverse the car and free my computer bag. I run out into traffic, waving arms at another available cab. I hop in the back, pulling out my now cracked laptop. I dig for my phone, praying it somehow made it through but it’s smashed as well. I do everything to try to bring it back to life, but CPR and mouth to mouth aren’t going to save this device. Thank Christ I printed out my boarding pass before I left the office.
Everything else can wait, I just need my passport and that’s it. I don’t care if I show up back home without even a change of clothes. I can buy what I need. Right now the only thing that matters is getting on that plane. I guess my visit home will be a surprise for my girl. That’s fine with me, as long as I get to touch her and hear her voice, tell her for the first time what I’m feeling. Feel her body under mine. Go to sleep with her head on my chest.