Lily’s cheeks flared as they always did when Mr. DeVere was particularly gallant, and she gave him a curtsy in reply. “And the same for you, Mr. DeVere.”
With another bow, he turned and went on his way. It was not the exit Lily had intended him to take, but it added to her joy. She’d not thought it possible for her heart to feel even fuller, but it did. Lily fairly skipped to her aunt’s side, quite certain that she did not need anything more, for life had already given her more than any person deserved.
Chapter 26
Leaving the pathway, Jack crossed the open lawn, weaving between flocks of children and their harried nursemaids and governesses and the gaggles of gossiping ladies and gentlemen. Most days, he preferred a straight sidewalk, but today, he felt the urge to revel in the open sunshine. The sun hung high in the sky, and though there was a lingering chill in the air, the temperature was rising.
The summer had been a wet and miserable mess. It had been an age since anyone had seen such downpours, and more than social calendars were suffering for it. While there was a lingering worry in his thoughts for all farmers and laborers who’d been impacted by it, Jack’s heart was brimming with contentment. The only other time he’d felt that peaceful was when he’d stepped off his last naval ship, his unshackled feet once more on solid ground.
Smiling to himself, Jack thought of Lily and what he could only count as a rousing success the piano concert had been. If not for her, it would’ve been a tedious evening, but instead, it was a treasured moment. Merely the memory of her enraptured expression throughout the concert was enough to bring a spring to his step—if Jack were capable of such foolishness.
Yes, it had been a triumph. An offering given with his whole heart that had been accepted with unrestrained eagerness.
Jack wondered if Lily was still in alts over the concert. Duty and responsibility prodded him to return to work, but his feet pulled him towards her uncle’s home. Meetings had kept him from visiting her the day before, and Jack wasn’t about to allow two days to lapse without her. Besides, locking himself in his office was hardly efficient when his thoughts were so consumed with her.
His eyes drifted over the sea of people, though Jack did not meet anyone’s gaze and risk being compelled to stop. It was as though all of London had decided to steal a moment outdoors, but even the suffocating crowd could not dampen his spirits.
And then he caught sight of her.
Even in the greatest throng, Lily stood out like a candle in the darkness. She was not proportioned to others’ standards, but Jack could not think of a lady whose figure rivaled Lily’s. He itched to pull her into his embrace and feel her pressed close to him. A phantom scent that belonged only to her filled his nose; he couldn’t pinpoint the components of the fragrance; Jack only knew that it smelled of his Lily.
But thoughts of those delights fled his mind as he saw DeVere standing before her.
The lad needed yet another reminder that Lily was not free for him to steal, but even as Jack’s feet moved quicker to join them, he faltered at the sight of her brilliant smile turned to DeVere.
Jack’s feet moved faster to join them, for the lad needed yet another reminder that Lily was not free to receive such overt attention, but his steps halted at the sight of her blinding smile turned to DeVere. Lily’s eyes glittered in the sun as she gazed at the fellow with unmitigated pleasure.
An invisible weight dropped on his shoulders, pressing down on him before settling in his stomach. Standing like a statue, he watched DeVere bow over her hand, giving it a gallant kiss before parting, and Lily was aglow as she returned to her aunt’s side.
After everything he had done to secure her affections, Lily was in love with someone else.
The warmth disintegrated, the sunshine dimming as a chill seeped into his heart like mud in a shoe, filling it until the organ froze in his chest. In a flash, Jack saw the future stretching before him. Lily happily announcing her engagement to DeVere. Standing before a vicar to exchange their vows. Beginning a life together. And Jack stood like a starving beggar at the edge of a feast, unable to partake as others gorged themselves to bursting.
His time in the navy had given Jack a low standard for happiness, but Lily had shown him how much greater life could be. The thought of returning to his solitary life had his frozen heart fracturing, the tiny shards of ice penetrating every part of him.
Wild thoughts filled his mind, begging Jack to toss Lily in a carriage and force her to the nearest church. Do something—anything—to keep from losing his Lily. A dozen scenarios cropped up, and Jack fought against their enticing call. He could not return to the quiet nothingness of business, and Jack knew that if he spent the rest of his life searching, he’d never find anyone to rival his Lily.
“Jack!”
Mind occupied as it was, Jack had not noticed the lady in question approach. His thoughts struggled to coalesce, and he needed time to formulate a plan that would show her she belonged with him. The pressure in his head grew, begging to be unleashed, but to do so might hurt Lily, and the thought made Jack’s heart recoil.
Coming to stand before him, Lily grinned. “How lovely to see you.”
Jack gave a vague nod, for that was all he trusted himself to do. That pressure spread through him; somehow it both pressed and pushed against him in equal measure, making him feel as though he was stuck between exploding and crumpling.
Lily spoke a few more words, though Jack did not hear them. His breath came in quick bursts as he tried to gain control of himself. But how could he? This situation was not something he could control. Lily was free to do as she pleased. Engagements were broken every day. His claim to her was informal and flimsy, and she would leave him. Disappear forever.
Reaching forward, she touched his arm. “Is something the matter? You look quite unwell.”
Her brows were knit together, her eyes brimming with concern, but Jack could not speak as he stared at her hand against his arm.
Shaking his head, Jack found the strength to move once more. He needed to gather his thoughts. He needed to think. He needed time. Jack knew he could win the day, but images of Lily in DeVere’s embrace clouded his mind, and the more he thought on it, the more erratic his thoughts grew until it felt as though his mind were a foreign thing, autonomous and independent of his will.
Lily pleaded for him to speak, but words were not his strength. No doubt DeVere could string together a glorious explanation for cacophony consuming his heart and mind, but Jack couldn’t think of a single coherent word to give Lily.
For the first time in his life, Jack retreated.
*
Lily could not interpret the expression on Jack’s face. There was a pinch of impatience around his eyes and lips, but a hint of what looked to be panic in his gaze. Or confusion? And frustration? Whatever was going through his thoughts was certainly of great import and stirring up emotions of some sort, but Lily could not decipher them. And Jack would not speak.
With a few steps, he moved around her and walked away without speaking a word. Not even a greeting. Where was the Jack of two days ago who had gazed upon her with such longing? This one hardly spared a glance.
Sickness gripped her stomach, filling her with a sour, queasy feeling. Lily followed after him, calling for him to stop.
“Jack, please tell me what is the matter,” she said, reaching for his arm, but Jack tugged from her grip. Lily pleaded with him, but it was like pleading for a waterfall to halt.
“Jack—” But her voice cracked, betraying the growing emotions Lily was trying to keep at bay.
Jack halted, casting a wary glance over his shoulder at her. Blinking, she tried to dispel the gathering tears while cursing herself for being so ridiculous and unable to control her emotions. This was merely a misunderstanding, surely. Nothing that cannot be mended.
“We are engaged,” he said. Those three words were all he supplied, and they gave her no better insight into his behavior. But as Lily tried to make some conne
ction to his present ill-temper and what had happened, a sudden answer came to her thoughts.
“Are you speaking of Mr. DeVere?” she asked, and when Jack scowled, Lily swiped at her eyes with a smile. Her heart sighed at that innocuous issue. “We are just acquaintances, Jack. He is a nice young man, and I do enjoy his company, but that is all.”
However, a morsel of guilt sunk into her stomach, and Lily knew that her behavior towards Mr. DeVere had not always been so innocent as her tone implied. Examined from her present position, Lily knew she’d given Jack reason to believe the worst.
“I promise that no matter how it appeared, Mr. DeVere and I have no understanding nor do I wish for one.”
But Jack merely watched her, silent and still. His expression was unreadable, and Lily’s stomach twisted as she tried to decipher what was going through his mind. Clutching the shawl tight around her, she took a breath to calm the anxious flutters in her heart as her instincts told her to say more. But to admit why she’d welcomed Mr. DeVere’s flirtations was to expose those shameful parts of her heart she preferred to keep hidden. Her feet preferred to simply flee, and her mind dredged up every rational and irrational argument why she should do so, but Jack deserved to understand.
Glancing around at the passing people, Lily wished they were not in such a public place for such a discussion. The only blessing to be seen was that they had made their way to a row of trees, which provided some protection from on-lookers.
“I have never cared for Mr. DeVere as anything more than an acquaintance,” she began as her cheeks heated. “I know it was selfish of me, but I just wanted to know what it was like to be admired.”
Dropping her gaze to the ground, Lily focused on the folds of her gown. “I wanted to hear someone tell me I’m beautiful. To flirt with me. I’ve seen so many young ladies and young men do that dance, and for once, I wished to partake.”
At that, tears took hold and broke through her words. She kept them firmly in their place but could not erase them completely. “It was silly, and I should not have allowed it to go on as it has. But it was harmless, and it is not going to continue.”
Lily could not bear to look at Jack after having admitted that pitiful desire aloud, but he did not speak, and soon, the silence was more unbearable. Jack stared at her like some foreign creature, but then his expression shifted into his favorite scowl. His jaw clenched and his features pulled tight, giving an angry cast to his face.
But worst of all, Lily saw disappointing burning in his eyes.
*
Some residual rational thoughts called for Jack to calm himself and think before acting, but Lily’s desperate words had the pressure building inside him until he was certain his skull would crack.
After everything he had done to win her heart, Lily wanted DeVere’s foolish flattery? Jack had done everything he could to show her his heart. To make her feel as treasured as she was. What was left to be done? That sad organ in his chest shattered, leaving Jack with a gaping wound.
“I am not some pitiful creature, Jack Hatcher. I am not proud of my weakness, but you have no right to judge me for it,” she blurted, and Jack’s eyes darted back to meet hers, his brows pulling tight together. Though there was a flicker of sadness in her eyes at that confession, Lily straightened her spine and raised her head in defiance. “I simply wanted to feel beautiful for once in my life.”
Jack had heard plenty of ridiculous things in his life, but that dwarfed all others. Lily was gorgeous, and his heart ached at the thought that she felt the need to seek out that validation. How did she not understand the power she held over him? The awe he felt when she smiled. Jack had known many ladies in the course of his life, and not one of them could rival his Lily.
His greatest offerings had not convinced her of that. What more could he do?
“I knew Mr. DeVere’s words meant nothing, but still, he made me feel desirable and wanted, and I will not apologize for wanting that.” Her voice quivered, and though her body thrummed with agitated energy, a sheen of tears came to her eyes.
Taking Lily’s hand in his, Jack pulled her forward, bringing his lips towards hers, but Lily reared away.
“What are you doing?” she demanded.
Lily’s hand never moved, but Jack felt the slap all the same. Taking a step back, Jack ground his teeth together as yet another of his offerings was rejected. He could not think of what to do, and Lily was scowling at him with such fury that his mind could not scrape together coherent thoughts. For a moment, he thought of attempting another kiss; Lily could not mistake that ardor for anything less than the truth. But even as his body itched to show her his heart, sanity ruled, and Jack stood there like the useless lump he was.
In truth, there was only one thing Jack could think to do. Turning on his heels, he strode away from Lily. She may hold him at arm’s length, but Jack knew there must be some way for him to win her heart. To show her the depth of the hold she had on his. He had to.
Chapter 27
Lily clutched her saucer and teacup; the drink was likely cold by now, but she didn’t abandon it. Mindlessly, she lifted the spoon and gave it a cursory turn in her cup as though that might revive the tea.
Her eyes ached, and though Lily believed her tears were all spent, any time her thoughts turned to Jack, they threatened anew. In fact, her whole body was plagued by pains; it begged for proper sleep while her heart pleaded for relief from the concerns pressing on her.
“All is not over, Lily,” said Aunt Mary, glancing at her niece over the top of her newspaper.
“I wish I had your faith,” replied Lily.
“In my experience, disagreements look far bleaker to those wrapped up in them than they truly are. Give it time, and you will discover whether you are well-suited or not.”
“It seems clear that we are ill-suited.”
Folding the newspaper, her aunt turned her full attention to her niece. “This is merely a miscommunication, which is not the death knell of a relationship or no one would ever marry.”
Lily set aside her teacup with a clink of china against the side table. “You did not see his expression, Aunt Mary. He was disgusted with me.”
With a sigh, Lily clasped her hands in her lap. Turning her attention to the window, she watched the passing traffic. Replaying the scene for the thousandth time during the last day, Lily saw it clearly in her mind.
“I cannot fault Jack for thinking me enamored with Mr. DeVere. I was foolish and vain, and Jack has every right to be upset with my behavior. But the expression on his face, Aunt…” Turning her gaze to the lady before her, Lily’s expression pinched together, her heart dropping at the memory. “He is so strong and confident, and it is only natural that he would view my behavior as weak and revolting.”
Aunt Mary gave her a sad smile. “I’ve found that attempting to decipher another’s motives is often a hopeless cause, for it is colored by my fears and opinions. You cannot know what his thoughts were.”
Lily gave her an acknowledging nod, but her heart found no comfort in that. “But how am I to understand his thoughts when he refuses to share them?”
“Not everyone is as free with their words as you, Lily,” replied Aunt Mary with a smile, but Lily was in no mood to find the humor in it. “There are many who would express themselves through their actions—”
“The speedy manner in which he escaped speaks volumes.”
But Aunt Mary replied with a challenging raise of her brow. “And what does it say that he attended your charity concert, though he does not care for such things? Or that he helped to make it a success? Or that he arranged for you to attend a recital given by your favorite composer? Again, attending it with you, solely because you enjoy it? Or the many hours he’s spent, forgoing his own pursuits to spend time at your side?”
Lily’s gaze fell to the floor, her chest tightening with each word. When listed in such a succinct manner, it did seem as though she was being terribly short-sighted. “But what if he’s only do
ing so out of duty or honor? How am I to know if he does not tell me? I do not think I am asking for the moon and stars by wishing my betrothed to give some clear indication of his feelings.”
At that, Aunt Mary gave a vague noise, and Lily looked to see her aunt gazing off at nothing. A moment later, her eyes focused on Lily, and she gave her a sad smile. “Is it going to be enough, Lily? If he tells you everything you dream of hearing, will you finally trust that he cares for you?”
“Certainly.”
But her aunt gave another challenging raise of her eyebrows. “The issue is not that you distrust him. It’s that you distrust his feelings for you. I struggled with the self-same issue when I met your dear uncle. He tried winning me over with his silver tongue and then showed his devotion in so many ways, but I doubted him—because I doubted I could inspire such feelings.”
Lily knew there was no defending herself against such words, for they were true. Jack certainly had behaved strangely yesterday, but she’d been quick to forget all the signs of his devotion in favor of assuming the worst of him. When she thought about his actions as a whole, Lily wanted to believe he was in earnest.
Desperately.
Jack had stolen her heart, and she wanted to believe that she had stolen his.
However, there was that lingering little doubt that lay hidden in her heart. That niggling, awful whisper that said he was only tolerating her. But even as she listened to its poisoned words, her heart recalled their time together. Those looks he gave her. The kindnesses he bestowed. The time he sacrificed. Taken objectively, they were the signs of a tender beau. And she was allowing her fears to cast a pall over those joys. Yet again.
Certainly, Jack’s behavior was bizarre, but she’d leaped to the worst assumption. With little prompting, she’d twisted his behavior to make him the villain. Yet again. Leaning forward, Lily covered her eyes. Not that she held all the blame in this situation, but neither could she continue to lay all it on Jack’s shoulders, either. Like most disagreements, there were two parties involved, neither of which were entirely guilty nor innocent.
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