by Calinda B
Goddammit, can this day get any worse? “Can I see? I need to make sure you are okay.”
Groaning, she relents with a terse, “Look at the cut only.” She’s covering her front with the bloodied hoodie, her eyes down now. She won’t look at me at all. It’s obvious that Harlow is shy.
The first thing I notice about her bare back is the tattoo climbing from her hip to her ribs.
“The cut, TJ, how bad is it?”
Oh, yes, the cut! Come on, TJ, focus. Lifting a small towel from the shelf, I run water on it, and then look her over more thoroughly. It’s my face that needs cold water. Ugh!
“Don’t move, I’m going to apply soft pressure on it,” I warn then press the towel against the injury. The bleeding doesn’t seem as bad as I’d thought it would be. “Were they armed? It looks like it could have been a knife.”
She turns around to look at me. “I… I don’t remember. It happened so fast. Is it deep? Do I need stitches?”
“No, I think you’ll be okay without them. I’ll put some ointment on it and bandage it up, if that’s alright?”
Harlow nods then turns forward again with a quiet, “Yes.”
Though I’m facing her back again, I know she’s sobbing by the soft movement of her shoulders. This might be a jerky thing to do, but I decide to fix her cut before I take care of her. Cleaning the wound with alcohol first, I follow with a thick layer of ointment and then a rather large bandage, which I cut myself. “There you go. Put this on now,” I say handing her the clean garment.
She takes the black hoodie and pulls it on right away. “Someone tried to stab me. Jesus, this is fucked up, so fucked up.”
My arms go around her again; I feel bad for her. She’s having a bad day and the only thing I can do to help her right now, is this.
“Why don’t you come with me to the living room? You need to rest, you’ve been through a lot.” After leading the way to the couch, she doesn’t sit, rather she lays down and curls up on her side.
“Thank you, TJ.”
Sitting down on the short sofa next to the couch lets me watch Harlow carefully. She’s still crying but her tired eyes are taking over. With each blink, they stay closed longer than the last, until she falls asleep.
Watching her for so long starts to make me feel like a pervert, so I decide to check on the laundry. Removing her tops from the washer, I inspect them, wanting to see if her clothes are torn up on the back at all. Holding the thick sweater, it’s clear her wounds could have been a lot worse. The hole must be at least five inches long. “Fucking punks.”
There isn’t much I can do while she is sleeping in my living room. The anger within me is roiling and I have to find a way to let it go. Loud music would help, but that’s not an option while she’s sleeping, and I can’t leave her here all by herself to go for a run.
Fetching a cold bottle of water, I take to my treadmill instead. Putting on my earphones and turning up the music is the one release outlet I have available. Though I start slow, to warm up, it isn’t long before I’m running at full speed with every part of me hurting, burning. Regret will follow me later, but who cares? The anger I feel within can’t stay inside, it’s poison.
Pounding out the miles on the treadmill, I’m trying to plan what I’m going to say to Cassie—because it’s obvious that Harlow won’t be going anywhere today, so I won’t be either. That’s fine, but Cassie doesn’t need to know the truth, which means I have to lie to her again.
Can I be done with this already?
Cassie should be with a man who loves her, who wants to marry her and have children. That man is not me. Not now. Not ever.
Running faster, my legs can’t take it anymore but the pain feels so good I refuse to stop.
I run and run, until I hit my endurance limit and am at the point of collapsing. Pushing the stop button, I step off the machine and fall to the floor weak and out of breath. This feels so much better than getting drunk, setting my whole body alight with an adrenaline rush makes the anger vanish.
“TJ?”
“Yes?” I manage to say through my heavy pants and gasps.
“Do you have Tylenol or something like that? I have a bad headache. It woke me up.”
“Give me thirty seconds, and I’ll get it for ya.”
Harlow laughs. “What have you done to yourself? You look like you’ve been hit by a train.”
I manage to sit upright but know getting to a standing position will be painful.
“You need a hand?” Her laughter gets louder each second.
She can laugh all she wants. I’ll take this pain over the anger anytime. “I got this.”
I may hobble like a seventy-year-old man, but I don’t care since it makes Harlow laugh. After giving her two tablets, we make it back to the couch.
“When are you going back to see Ramsey?”
“I should be there now, but I have to get my shit together first, and this headache needs to go. Otherwise, he’ll know something happened.” She takes a deep breath. “He has enough to deal with already.”
“Rest. My couch is yours.”
“Do you have movies or something? Even though I’ll probably pass out after five minutes.” Chuckling, she rolls onto her side and leans her head on my thigh.
“Um, yeah, sure.” Grabbing the remote control, I push through and select the latest episode of The Walking Dead.
“I didn’t take you for a zombie type of guy.” She eyes me, curious.
“That’s because you don’t know me.” She might have heard a lot about me, but she doesn’t know me at all. Not yet.
“I do know you. Your dad loved you and talked about you all the time.”
I laugh. How had I known she would say something like that? My dad loved me, I know that, but he kept his alternate life away from me, too, and I’ll never know why.
“For years, he had been thinking about involving you with the Club, but your mother didn’t agree with him, and threatened divorce if he brought you in.”
“That explains why I found out the way I did, after he was dead.”
“I’m sorry, TJ.”
“Dead, so he had nothing to lose anymore.”
The room is quiet, apart from the TV playing the theme song of the show. Everything clicks in my head, it all makes sense and I can’t be angry with him. It shows how much he loved his wife, and how bad he wanted me involved. Well, I’m in. He got his last wish.
Her breathing evens out, her eyes close, and then she’s gone, resting again. I envy her easiness to sleep. I’m restless. An owl.
6
Sunday night family dinner, and I’m running late because I’ve just left Cassie’s house. Apparently, she didn’t like my lack of communication over the past two days. Harlow stayed at my house for those two days—I wasn’t going to kick her out again. Her continuing pain and headaches worried me. With my energy focused on Harlow, I couldn’t fit time with Cassie in there, too. Plus, I had to clean the cut and change Harlow’s bandages. I’ve never liked dealing with blood but when I tried to get her checked, she declined. I even drove her to the hospital twice, but she wouldn’t go in.
There’s something she’s not telling me; she hates dealing with the hospital and cops. I understand that she isn’t living a normal life, but who can live like this? Hiding all the time.
At least Ramsey is doing better now, and so is Harlow. Cassie’s controlling attitude is one of the reasons why I left her in the first place, and I’m not liking it any more this time around. This is temporary, I keep repeating to myself. My patience is running out but I need that diamond. Besides, Cassie’s not the bad person here, I am.
Cassie calls right as I’m walking into Mom’s house. “What’s up, Cass?” I answer in a hurry.
“Hi, baby, you’ll be back later, right?” she purrs into the phone.
“If you want me to come by, then yes.” Do I actually need to say this? Yes, because she wants me to. Knowing her like I do, she feels bad for acting the way
she did earlier. I want to say, ‘If you’re mad at me, it’s fine. Tell me to my face, don’t play games, and don’t pretend you don’t want me here. Don’t give me a shit attitude, either.’ However, since this whole thing is a game to me, I’ll play hers, too. It adds fuel to my frustration and need to see this deal finished as soon as possible.
“Yes, please. Come to me later. I need you.”
“Then I’ll be there later.”
Veronica welcomes me back into the house and it’s great. I feel like I’m smiling for the first time in days.
“Welcome back, brother.” We hug.
“Thanks. Where’s Mom?”
She points toward the kitchen. “Cooking. You’re lucky, because she’s outdone herself. All of your favorites are on the menu tonight. Trust me, I’m not complaining. Frozen meals are getting old around here.”
“Frozen meals? Mom? Are you kidding me? She’s Mrs. Quinoa… it doesn’t make sense.” I laugh but I’m worried about them. Frozen meals have been prohibited in the house for as long as I can remember.
“She’s grieving, TJ. She doesn’t eat much. It has been very rough on her.” Veronica is a mirror of my dad as she says that. They both have sandy hair and green eyes, and her facial expression is the same one my father used to wear when he visited me. One that shows sadness and strength. She’s a rock right now.
My shoulders drop, my heart hurts. My mom is alone and hurting. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around when she needed me.”
“It’s okay. I mean, you two weren’t on the best of terms. She’s been planning this dinner since yesterday morning. It’s been good for her. It keeps her busy.”
I nod, and take off my jacket. Dana is my mother for Christ’s sake, no fight should have distanced us like ours did. It makes me an asshole. Seems that’s been my defining quality lately.
“Don’t do this to yourself. That look on your face. There is no perfect family. It doesn’t exist, TJ. We all have our flaws. What’s important is that you’re here. Mom knows that, and Dad, too.”
“Thank you.” With a hug, I add, “When did you get so smart?”
Chortling, she nudges my shoulders. “I’ve always been smart.”
“Come on, smart ass, I have to say hi to Mom.”
She tugs on my hand, holding me back when I start to walk away. “My boyfriend is coming over. You get to meet him,” Veronica informs me before dropping my hand and heading to the kitchen where I’m greeted with wine, delicious cheese with fresh French bread, and quite a few more snacks.
Mom is as emotional as ever. Her happiness brightens the room and it feels great. The shadow which has been in my heart since our falling out, is gone. We won’t be able to agree on everything, of course, but I can’t let a fight do this to us ever again.
Not too long after my arrival, Veronica’s boyfriend shows up. Turns out Jonathan’s a nice guy. Not that I was worried, because my sister doesn’t take shit from anyone, but he seems genuine. Bringing flowers to the ladies is always a winner—red roses no less. It’s clear he was raised with good manners.
Photo albums, videos, lots of laughter, and even a few tears complete the night. We all have a great time. Apart from when they teased me for not having a girlfriend. If they only knew… but they can’t know. Hell no.
There is no way in hell I’m letting my family reconnect with Cassie. I’ve thought about this, and no matter how everything goes with Cassie, that can’t happen. My mom would get hurt and so would Cassie, because lets be real for a second, there is no future for Cassie and me.
“TJ, I made an extra lasagna for you to take home. As your mother, I have to make sure you are eating well.”
“Mom, you don’t have to.”
“Yes, hon, please take it. It will please me if you do.” Her eyes beg me.
“It’s a lasagna so, of course, I’ll take it, but you have to look after yourself and eat well, too.”
Her cold but tender fingers find my cheek. “Thank you,” she whispers, and it is filled with deep emotions.
“We’re good now, Mom. You don’t need to apologize to me anymore.” We both know that’s what she’s doing. “I love you, Mom.”
She says it back and hugs me tight.
“I have to get going, but it was fun to be here tonight again. We should do it next week, if you don’t mind?”
“I would love to.”
“Yes, TJ, next weekend is on. I’m loving the cooking and the good family vibe.” Veronica!
Leaving for Cassie’s place with the lasagna sitting on the passenger side, I can’t wait to eat more tomorrow, but first, I have to be the good boyfriend to Cassie.
Fortunate for me, her parents are still away. One less issue for me to deal with. As soon as I park the car, she’s waiting for me with the door open. She’s got her lingerie on again. God dammit, Cassie. What about the ring?
“Hurry up, baby, it’s cold outside.” She giggles.
Come on, why does she have to be so cheesy?
Walking up to her, she jumps in my arms and her legs wrap around my waist. I’m pretty sure I can’t put this off anymore. I know what tonight will be all about, so I have to get into my role and play the game. Not an easy feat when it’s not simply a mind game but physical, too. She’s sexy, I’ll give her that, but there’s no feeling.
“Where have you been? I called you ages ago,” she whispers while tracing kisses on my earlobe.
“Don’t exaggerate, Cassie. It was only about three hours. Sunday dinner with my mother and sister.” The way she’s frowning at me, I can guess what she’s about to say.
“Why didn’t you invite me?”
“We need to be together to grieve better. My mother is having a hard time, so Veronica and I are trying to help her. Baby steps. She lost the love of her life.” The pain I feel for my mom hurts my chest.
“I know how that feels.”
Now her eyes are lost in tears, and I want to take back the last five minutes. When am I going to stop feeling like I’m the most selfish human on the planet? It’s driving me deeper into insanity each day.
“I’m sorry, Cassie,” I offer avoiding her face because I can’t look at her. I’m ashamed I’ve done this to her once already and yet, here I am, planning a second time.
“I want you to make love to me, Thomas Junior. Show me how much you love me.”
My eyes closed, I’m about to be sick. Running away now would be the best solution. She doesn’t deserve this. I’m hurting for her. Tonight isn’t happening like I had planned. It’s a lot worse.
“I love you,” she adds.
I should say it back. I have to say it back. What if I don’t? Her lips touch mine, forcing mine to open. If I can’t say it, showing it is an option, so I kiss her back like she’s the love of my life. The one person I want to marry. Kissing her hard, I’m pushing her back against the door, and she’s buying it. Oh god, she’s buying every bit of this meaningless kiss.
Her fingers clutch and pull at my hair while her breasts push against my chest. A soft moan escapes her lips and I know she wants me.
“Let’s go up to your room, I’m not going to make love to you down here.”
Holding my hand, she doesn’t waste a second and drags me to her room as fast as she can. Once we’re there, she pulls off my top and tugs down my pants. I’m naked before she is.
“Take your time, Cass. We’re in no hurry.”
Biting on her lower lip, she gives me a face a porn star would. Alright, I’ll give her what she wants. Fuck the lingerie. I yank her underwear down, undo her bra, and then take hold of her enlarged breasts with both my hands. Her legs are back around my waist, holding me prisoner. Wanting to get it done fast, I press her back against the mattress and go for it as she moans deep.
Cassie’s giving me everything she has.
And I take it like a man who loves her would.
7
Sneaking out at dawn, I leave Cassie a note saying I have important clients scheduled for a brea
kfast meeting. I’m home faster than I expected to be since I got out early enough for the traffic to be manageable. My bed is going to be the best damn thing—I didn’t sleep much last night.
Like a movie scene repeating itself, as soon as I step off the elevator, I see a small silhouette curled up against my door. “Harlow?”
She opens her tired eyes. “Can I borrow your couch?”
“Yeah, but why didn’t you go home?” After unlocking my door, I push it open and invite her to go inside first.
“I did, but someone has been in there. The Club knows. I told them everything. They think maybe someone is trying to hurt us.”
This is where I should ask how to help her and then get the fuck away from the Club.
“How? Why?”
“Ramsey knows a lot of people. Sometimes there’s tension with the outside world. Not everybody who enters the Club can stay in. They have strict rules. Rule number one being confidentiality. It is not to be broken.”
“Sounds like the Mafia.”
“It’s about the same thing. My attack, and the people breaking into my house, isn’t random. They are after Ramsey. I didn’t have a choice, and once I told the Club everything, they asked me to go somewhere safe. So, I’m here.”
I frown. “Here? You feel safe here?” While flattering, I didn’t expect that from Harlow. It’s a first.
“I had to return your hoodie anyway, so I figured I could borrow your couch for one more night.” Her smile is weak.
“My couch is yours.”
“Where were you anyway? I waited for hours.”
“Meh, you don’t want to know.” She doesn’t need to know the details of my night or else it might be awkward between us.
“Oh, right, I don’t.” She rolls her eyes at me.
“Make yourself at home, Harlow. I need a shower before I hit my bed.”
“Ew, too much info.”
I turn around to look at her. “I hardly said anything. How can that be too much?”
Laughing, she’s scrunched her nose and looks disgusted. “I can read between the lines. If you need a shower, I know what you’ve been doing all night, mister.”