Radioactive

by Maya Shepherd

  Suddenly it occurs to me that I am now a Legion commander, which means that I can do whatever I want to. If I want to pay a visit to the safety zone, I only need to step in the elevator. I can even see Zoe whenever I want.

  Excited, I swing my legs over the edge of the bed. The door of my room opens easily. It’s an incredibly liberating feeling to be able to go wherever and whenever I want. There are no barricades, no locks, and no prohibitions. If I wanted to, I could probably go outside into the fresh air. All paths are open to a Legion commander. Nevertheless, my heart beats wildly in my chest as I reach the glass elevator. Nervously I put my thumb on the scanner and wait. It takes a moment, then a red light appears and the computer announces, “Access denied.”

  That cannot be! I am a Legion commander. Perhaps my thumb was too wet from the sweat of my palms. Shakily I wipe my hands on my thighs and put my thumb on the scanner again. Again, the red light appears followed by the words, “Access denied.”

  This is just unreal! Why is it not working? Am I not registered in the system? But I can open my room door.

  Startled, I turn around. Next to me is a Legion commander of my generation. I did not even hear him coming.

  “I just...” I falter and feel really stupid “I just was going to the atrium, but the door will not open.” I finish the sentence because I cannot tell him the truth. Even A350 would not approve of a visit to see Zoe in the sickbay. They may even ban me from ever going there.

  “It’s no wonder you don’t have any authorization,” the boy replied with a triumphant smile on his lips and a head held high.

  “I’m not authorized?” I repeat, confused. I thought I was a full member.

  “You have to prove yourself as being trustworthy,” he says with a shrug before adding, “I got my full rights after a week.”

  He says it in a tone that makes it clear to me that he does not expect it will go just as fast with me. It is difficult for me to judge him. Although he is not as cold as the senior Legion commander, there is something that makes me uneasy about him.

  He seems to remember that I’m new because he suddenly waves off, laughing. “Excuse me, I have not introduced myself. I’m A566. Previously I was the only fifth generation Legion commander. But since you’re here, I’m probably the only male fifth generation Legion commander.

  Although he seems to smile at his words, he acts as though my mere presence is evil.

  “I am pleased to meet you. I am A518,” I reply in courtesy.

  “I know,” he replies with this indefinable smile on his lips. “I am pleased that you now belong to us.”

  Although he smiles, he words do not seem honest, almost rote, mechanical even. I cannot say whether it is because he is uncertain how to manage his feelings in general or whether he is consciously lying to me.

  “Have you decided on how you will vote at the meeting?”

  He frowns, “Why do you want to know that?”

  “It seems as if my presence divided most of the commanders, I would like to know where you stand.”

  He raises his hand apologetically. “You did well, your idea sounds interesting. You can rest assured that I will vote for you. If you stand with me, you will have a true friend by your side.”

  I highly doubt that he will ever know what friendship means. How could he? But more strangely, it’s that he used this word that should be foreign to him.

  “Thank you,” I reply cautiously.

  “If you want, I can take you down to the atrium,” he offers, but I shake my head quickly. I would not feel good about being in his debt.

  “No thanks, it’s not really important.”

  Especially since my real destination was the sickbay. But I would never admit it to him; maybe he’d use it against me.

  “No problem, it was just a suggestion,” he replied, shrugging. A gesture he often used. For other people, a shrug shows ignorance or even uncertainty. For him, it’s neither of those things.

  “Thank you for offering, I appreciate it, but now I will go back to my room,” I say goodbye.

  “That’s a good idea; you should be well rested tomorrow. After all, you still have a lot to learn.”

  If Jep or Pep had said this, it would be with a naughty twinkle in their eyes, but A566 is serious.

  I nod and turn around to leave, but he touches my on my elbow. His hand is warm. “If you change your mind, please let me know.”

  Again, I nod without looking at him. While I rush back to my room I can feel his eyes on my back. His gaze pierces me directly between my shoulder blades. It is only when the doors close behind me that I realize I have been holding my breath. Relieved, I breathe out.

  The conference takes place the next day in the large meeting room where our food is served. All twenty of the Legion commanders come, as well as a doctor in a green suit and a fighter in his blue uniform. Unfortunately it is not Clyde. I would like to see him again. It would be nice to see someone I could be honest with. What would I tell him? I would probably ask him about Zoe first. Basically it does not matter what we would talk about. It would feel good just to sit next to him. Although we hardly exchange words with each other, I feel connected to him more than anyone else. Even more than Finn. We share the same past. Clyde is the only one who can really understand me.

  The conference is led by A489 and begins with a summary of the events of the last week. The highlight of this summary is my appointment as a Legion commander. The Legion commanders of the northern, eastern, and southern legions focus their congratulations on me. To me, this is a new situation. What surprised me was that our legion was known as the Central Legion. I only knew of other legions superficially from my time with the rebels. I will have to ask A350 about how many there are. As usual, she’s right next to me. When the conversation turns to our Legion, she winks at me. What else do I not know about the Legion?

  The conference continues with reports from other safety zones. The rebels attacked the Northern Legion. They managed to paralyze the power supply for several hours. There was a massive panic with several deaths and injuries. The rebels have not yet been caught.

  I remember Raymond who came from the Northern Legion. In the attack on the black market, his wife died. She was one of the unfortunate people who were close to the electric wall in the explosion. She lost her arm and her face was mangled by the blast. Raymond held her in his arms until she died. I knew he would avenge her death. It is rather amazing that he waited so long. At the same time, I find myself happy upon hearing that the rebels had not yet been caught. I have yet to fully choose a side.

  The top fighter of our Legion gives a report. To the delight of all, there were no complications with us. The rebels have kept quiet and there have been no riots in the safety zone. Likewise, the senior Legion doctor reported that the inmates in the sickbay obey instructions and have not offered any resistance. Immediately I think of Zoe. Somewhat reluctantly, I raise my hand. A489 looks at me irritated. Obviously it is not usual to interrupt a speech, but he grants me permission to speak.

  “Would it not be possible to reintegrate some of the people in the sickbay?”

  “No,” he replies immediately without even thinking about my words. He does not give an explanation for this, so I am forced to continue, “And why not?”

  “They had their chance,” He answers indifferently.

  “Diseases are curable. Are they in the sickbay because they are sick?” I reply in the same know-it-all tone he uses.

  He angrily pulls his eyebrows together. “The occupants of the sickbay do not suffer from physical diseases, but diseases of the mind, which have proved to be irreparable. Reintegration is therefore ruled out.”

  Although I can clearly see that he expects me to keep my mouth shut, I continue. “You could monitor their work by the hour so you could observe their behavior towards their fellow human beings. The Legion has many able people locked up who could otherwise contribute to our society.”

  I see how A489’s lips tremble w
ith rage and his hands clench into fists. He has to concentrate hard, so as not to pound the table. Instead, he looks away from me and looks condescendingly at A350. When he speaks, his voice is sharp and cutting. “It seems to me that you have been unable to teach her the basic rules of the Legion.”

  However, A350 is unimpressed by his verbal attack. “A518 is a Legion commander. She has a right to share her ideas with us. That is why she is one of us.”

  “Your opinion is fundamentally wrong,” A489 hisses back menacingly over the table.

  A350 leans casually in her chair and does not respond to this challenge. “Her opinion is new and can help us not to lose control. It is important to adapt to the changing times.”

  “The Legion will never lose control.”

  “We all hope.”

  Although the conversation seems to have ended, they sit still for a moment. Neither wants to be the first to look away, to reveal their weakness. To end the stalemate, another woman speaks. She sits to the right of A350 and is one of the oldest Legion commanders. Her name is A233. The way she clears her throat shows that she is uncomfortable doing this.

  “I suppose we can complete the reports in order and come to suggestions for improvement.”

  Unsure she looks in my direction. “Would anyone like to start?”

  I cannot help but smile in A489’s direction and raise my hand again. If this continues, he will soon stomp the ground in anger. A233 gives me the floor.

  “Before, while we were eating, we spoke about the introduction of a common food and an abolition of the tablet supply we now have in the safety zone. I want to come back to this topic. I still believe that a gradual change for the people is essential. We cannot treat them like robots forever.”

  I expect A489 to dissent and toss out a contradiction, but instead A566 wishes to speak. He is sitting next to A489. However, unlike A489, he remains calm and objective. “You speak as though we keep the people in the safety zone as prisoners. Have you ever felt caught?”

  Everything in me wants to loudly yell, “Yes!” but I cannot. I know that no Legion commander would understand. I did not expect such a direct and personal question, but rather a rejection.

  “No, the safety zone is our common home. The people know nothing else and are happy and safe,” I answer truthfully.

  “Why would you then change anything about their situation? Are you happy here?”

  “I was happy until I saw the world outside the safety zone,” I confess honestly. Maybe this sincerity will surprise the other commanders; I’ve never been good at lying.

  “How did you feel?”

  His questions are direct. When he is done speaking, there is not a sound in the room.

  “I felt cheated.”

  Some of the others shake their heads and whisper to each other excitedly. A350 puts a hand on my shoulder and looks at me alarmed. Her eyes plead at me to stay silent.

  A566 grins triumphantly. “And yet you’re sitting at a table with us today. Do you see the treason?”

  I do not ask what he means. Betraying whom? Betrayal of the Legion? Betraying the rebels? Or even betraying myself? That is the question I ask myself almost daily. I cannot betray others as long as I stay true to myself and am honest towards others. I do not make empty promises and I speak no lies.

  “Is it treason to fight for what you believe?”

  “And what do you think, A518?” The way he pronounces my name makes me think he is not taking me seriously, but is instead treating this as some kind of game.

  “I believe in the people of the safety zone,” I explain, and as nobody interrupts me, I continue. “People need more than security, food, and a task. They need something which is worth living for. A goal, a hope, a dream on the horizon. People are meant to want to reach for the stars. If you take away their hope, they cease to live and become robots. That is what is happening in the safety zone. If we give them a goal, they will flourish with life again.”

  Again, it has become quiet. My words seem to be resonating with the Legion commanders. Even A566 looks a bit unsettled. “And what goal is that?”

  The answer is obvious to me, “It is love.”

  A566 instantly breaks into peals of laughter. He slams his flat hands on the table and continues laughing. I have never seen such emotions on a Legion commander and that is what makes me angry.

  “Love is multifaceted. There is not only the love between lovers, but also friendship and family, and love for a dream. Even the love of self is what keeps us alive. There is so much to love that you will never know,” I hiss at him and feel my cheeks blush.

  But A566 continues to shake his head in amusement. Again, it’s A350 who puts her warm hand on my shoulder to calm me down.

  “I think we should return to the topic at hand,” she says. “The proposal was the introduction of food products in the safety zone and a common food distribution network. Are there any opinions on this?”

  A489 thinks for a minute and then says, “If we introduce the foods that we eat, how would we explain to the people where they came from? How would we do that when they believe everything on the Earth is contaminated with radiation?”

  “We could tell them the truth,” A350 suggests, before I can say anything, her hand tightens on my shoulder.

  “It wouldn’t work,” A233 protests. “They’ll feel betrayed. They would know that we concealed something from them for a long time. Potatoes do not just grow, they have to be cultivated. Even the people of the safety zone know this.”

  I have to agree with her on this point, but I will not leave from this conference without a success. “We could distribute them with the tablets together and thereby tell them of food research, so we could start slowly. Based on how people react to that we could ease them along.”

  “And how are we to explain the sudden change?” A489 says disapprovingly.

  “Just as we explained A518’s appointment. The world is changing and the Legion moves with the times,” A350 says.

  “Then people will ask what changes we are talking about, it would make unnecessary thoughts,” A489 says, still unconvinced.

  “No, they would not. They would be grateful for any change,” I steadfastly disagree. “I speak from personal experience.”

  “I think we’ve all heard enough for us to be able to get an idea of this plan. Therefore, we should now vote,” A233 says. “Who votes in favor of the introduction of a common food system in the safety zone?”

  A350 immediately raises her hand. I raise mine as well. A489 leaves his hand adamantly on the table before him. To my surprise, A233 raises her hand. After a few seconds, I count ten raised hands. Eleven more are left on the table. We have lost.

  “Are there any abstentions?” A233 asks around the room. Nobody answers. I look around and see A566 grinning at me. Is he glad to see me fail? Suddenly he raises his hand.

  “I’ve changed my mind. I am in favor of the introduction.” His eyes are fixed on me. “A518 has convinced me.”

  Now we are eleven against ten, but instead of rejoicing at A566’s change of heart, I am overcome by the uneasy feeling that he will ask for something in return. Although we never entered into an agreement, I have the feeling that I am now in his debt.

  The conference is over.

  07. IT’S ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH

  Today is the day when I can return to the safety zone for the first time. Not only that, it will also be my first official appearance as a Legion commander. The new food program will be governed by three food counters in the atrium. It is my job to open the new system and explain to the people in the safety zone the new flow. It was my idea and I am pleased and proud that it has been put into use so soon. The atrium will now what it always should have been: A place of communication. No matter what classification someone is, they will all mingle in there. It will swarm with people talking to each other. From free conversation arise opinions and feelings. This tiny change in the lives of the residents returns a piece of humanity to t
hem. I am convinced this is only the beginning.

  If the other Legion commanders see how well this common food tablet system works, they will soon make the transition to proper food. But these are only small steps on the way to my ultimate goal. I want to show people the starry sky. Not the artificial one in the atrium, but the real thing. They will see the sparkle of the stars with their own eyes and stand with the red sand beneath their feet and the wind blowing through their hair. They will smell the scent of the damp Earth after a rain shower and let the needles of the fir trees tickle through their fingers like sand. Maybe I am not much different from the rebels. I am fighting. Even if it’s a fight without weapons that will last years, I will eventually lead them to victory. All I need for this is patience and a strong will.

  There is a knock at the door. I rise from my bed and look through the peephole. A350 and D560 are standing outside my door. Through my fingerprint, I open the door for both of them. This too is new to me. Although I cannot open any other door in the Legion commander area, I at least have power over my own door. This door can only be opened with my fingerprint. No one else can gain access without my permission. My room is no different from those of the other Legion commanders, yet it belongs to me alone. It is my home. My refuge.

  On A350’s face is her beautiful smile. While she rarely smiled at the beginning, she now smiles radiantly. I have gotten used to the sight as she smiles more and more often. She has even begun to joke. I enjoy her presence more every day. Even our lessons are effortless, but are more like the conversations I would have in the caves with Florence.

  A350 naturally caresses me slightly above the arm. “Are you nervous?”

  “Yes,” I confess. “I’m afraid I will forget my lines.”

  “You should have no fear and you should not worry about your lines. You have worked so hard for the common food procurement system that you should only have to speak from your heart. People will feel how much it means to you.”