by Sam Destiny
“I have, and then dismissed it again. There’s nothing I want from the army, Hils, except for my soldier, and that’s something they cannot give me no matter how hard they try.”
Hils huffed, clearly not happy, and Tessa smiled. “I assume your search for someone to make it all better didn’t exactly come to fruition, did it?” she then asked and Hilary shrugged.
“There are hundreds of guys from all over the world who actually know Jesse. As in, really do. I kept asking question you could only answer when having met him before, and though he had a positive impact on a lot of people, there was no one who could shed light on that day. I think maybe he was right and all people that could’ve done something or knew something actually died that day,” she sighed, sounding defeated.
“Or they are still on deployment, not yet having been able to leave the hell Jazz cannot escape. Have you ever considered that?” she suggested and Hilary perked up at that.
“That could totally be. And they probably have a hard time getting to call me, so they must’ve written an email and—”
“There are only two thousand six hundred three left to read. Wait, that was the number this morning,” Tessa pointed out and Hilary let herself fall flat on the sofa.
“We’ll never find anyone,” she groaned and Tessa picked up her son, moving closer to her friend.
“I appreciate the idea, and honestly it has given my show a popularity boost, you cannot grasp. The station is ecstatic, and I’ll get a raise as soon as the New Year comes around. However, this show never was supposed to be about my love, but about the people separated, or unhappily in love. It was supposed to be for the lonely souls out there, and those who loved and lost. I never thought I’d see Jazz again. Did I want to? Yes, but going back to Britain I knew it wasn’t going to happen. Hell, we know holiday romances. That’s why I created the show, Hils. For people like me who want to see a happy ending but know it’s not going to happen.”
“Life had different plans for you though, didn’t it?” Hilary pointed out, nodding towards the babbling baby boy in Tessa’s arm.
“Yes. It’s that show which actually brought me back here, making it possible to have the happily ever after. However, it seems fate didn’t think I deserved that much luck,” she then mused. “After all, the guy is kinda unresponsive for the whole forever thing. It doesn’t matter, because I’m here, he’s here, and his son can at least see his father regularly, and that’s what matters.”
“You’ll see him, too. It’s impossible not to, and then he’ll come around and it’ll be okay.”
Tessa was sure Hilary believed every word she said, but sadly she couldn’t. The doorbell rang and Tessa stood, being followed by Hilary. There’d been some media people ringing, hoping to get some statement or the other, usually local news stations looking for their Christmas romance, but Tessa refused each and every word.
This time though it was a courier. “Tessa Rowan?” he asked, holding a package in his hands.
She gave Hilary a confused look before giving her son to her friend and then signing the clipboard the guy had thrust at her.
“Thank you,” he said and she accepted the box, carrying it into the living room, almost afraid to open it.
“Try the card first, then we’ll see if we just throw it out unopened,” Hilary suggested and Tessa liked that, opening the tiny red envelope.
Forever Girl,
I’ll make it right. I swear. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives and I will make it just the way you deserve.
Desert Heart
She looked up and Hilary ripped the card from her hands, clearly too impatient to wait until Tessa had words again. She focused on the box, lifting the lid and finding a dozen sweet scented red roses spilling out.
“Christmas miracle,” Hilary sang and though her friend was dancing, Tessa didn’t trust her eyes. Maybe she was dreaming, and come morning she’d wake up from this hopeful dream. Until then though, she decided to enjoy the sweet feeling.
She cupped one of the roses, placing the flower head in her palm before bringing it to her nose and inhaling until no other scent clouded her mind.
That night Jazz found himself bent over the toilet bowl, throwing up everything he’d eaten and only when nothing came up anymore, he stood and flushed the toilet, opening the toothpaste before doing anything else. He held it under his nose, inhaling deeply, but the stench of burning flesh didn’t leave him, making him retch again.
He’d been woken from a nightmare that topped everything he’d been through so far; every night terror he’d faced, every flashback he survived so far hadn’t nearly reached the intensity of this one. With the tube in hand, he sank down onto the cold, tiled floor, trying to get his breathing under control.
Closing his eyes, it took only a second for him to regret the action. It was as if the talk that afternoon, no matter how liberating it had been, had caused all memories to surface tenfold.
“Jesse?” his mother called from the closed bathroom door. “Are you okay?”
No, he wasn’t, and yet he didn’t want her to know.
“Yes, mom, I’m fine.” He forced himself to his legs, feeling his knees knock against each other while he splashed some water onto his face, wiping it dry before facing his mom with a small smile. He’d placed the toothpaste on the side of the sink, inhaling deeply again.
“Hey there, shouldn’t you be asleep?” he asked, having a hard time reading her expression in the soft light of the bedside lamp.
“You cried out. In fact, you’ve been crying out for three hours, Jesse. Three.”
“It’s horrible.”
Only after she’d spoken did he spot his sister in the doorway, hugging herself.
“I never meant to wake you,” he whispered, breathing flatly because it seemed as if the stench of burning flesh just got worse in the bedroom. He knew it was just his mind playing tricks on him, but he couldn’t help it.
“Well, we tried to wake you, but then you calmed down and we thought it was over, but ten minutes later you started again. God, Jazz, not being able to help you is terrible. It never before has been so bad, has it?” his mother asked and he gritted his teeth, then forced himself to shake his head.
“No, it hasn’t been that bad since before I left the hospital,” he lied, turning his head away as if searching for something.
“Jesse, you’re here, in your bedroom,” Kris pointed out and he glanced at her, realizing she was staring at his hand. Looking down as well he found his index finger curled as if it was on the trigger of a weapon.
“It’s not over, is it? Even though you’re walking and talking to us?” Raphaela questioning and Jazz sat down on his bed, forcing his hands into his hair to keep himself from making more unconscious gestures.
“I’m okay, mom. I’m gonna play some songs on the guitar to get my mind on something entirely different, then I’ll sleep again. Go back to bed, I promise I won’t wake you again.”
Most of the times he’d managed to not scream anymore simply because he’d trained his mind to stay silent in case of being caught—back there in the desert. After all, every sound could’ve led to them being discovered. It seemed his mental exercises had helped as long as the dream wasn’t too bad.
“What helps?” Kris wanted to know and Jazz didn’t look up, making sure he kept his breath even because the stench brought back the heat, and with the heat came the need to throw himself onto the ground and hide.
“Nothing. I’m okay,” he gritted out.
“Tessa does, doesn’t she? That’s what the doctors talked about when we were there. We’d just gotten bits and pieces of the info, but now it makes sense,” his mom concluded and finally he lifted his gaze, finding Raphaela.
He didn’t need to say it, but he grasped at the name like a drowning man held onto a life-saving vest.
Kris had vanished without a word, but once she returned, something was different.
She moved around the room, eventually end
ing next to the bed and Jazz watched how she sprayed something onto his pillows.
“She forgot it here last time she left. I found it downstairs, and took it up to my room since I wanted to give it back to her. It’s Tessa’s perfume,” she then explained, holding the small bottle out to him.
He took it, wrapping his hand around the squared bottle until the rounded corners dug into his palm.
Her vanilla scent evaded his nostrils, chasing away everything else until even the memories faded and he finally felt his trembling stop. It wasn’t a warm body, and it certainly didn’t make everything go the way Tessa’s presence usually had, but it was a start that he was back for real now.
“There, that’s better, right?” his mom asked and he wasn’t the least bit surprised she’d picked up on it.
“Will says maybe I am so deeply connected to her and the peaceful time that she grounds me. And that loving her gets me back because she wasn’t down there with me. I didn’t think her scent would be enough to actually calm me down.” He smiled, honestly surprised, and his mother and sister nodded, both yawning.
“Thank you for checking on me,” he then added and stood, grabbing his guitar. He’d been serious about playing a little, and he followed the two out of the room, making his way downstairs.He sat down in a corner of the living room he loved because from there you had a great view outside into the forest, and though it was dark now, he knew it anyway.
Taking a deep breath, he rubbed his hand across his beard before placing his fingers on the guitar. The first notes he strung were of a love song, and he had to grin to himself. For some reason those were all that came to his mind when before just ballades with heartbreak-lyrics had been there. After a moment he switched to Tessa’s favorite song. Originally he’d started practicing that one because it made him feel closer to her, but now he had other plans with it.
While the melody flowed from his fingers almost by itself, he thought of Tessa, and wondered if she was asleep or if Johnny would keep her awake. He’d sent her flowers earlier because after finding out that not he had been at fault, but someone else, he’d decided to make it right with her, and this time for good.
He knew she wouldn’t trust him until he’d proven himself to her, but it didn’t matter.
Once she was his, he’d make sure she never doubted his love again, and tomorrow he’d start charming her and her son. He was ready to love the little boy the way he deserved, and be the father he should’ve been from the beginning. He wanted to get up at night and feed the guy, and take him for a few hours so Tessa could do a girls’ thing. He wanted to be the one who’d teach John how to throw a hoop or hit a baseball, and also how to catch it. He wanted to be there when John needed help with girls, and he also wanted to be the parent when his son refused to do his homework.
Since the guy was only a baby so far he knew school was years away, but he no longer thought short-term. Instead he planned it all out, including the day when he and Tessa would be old, probably having grandchildren already.
He could see it all now, and it was time to make sure Tessa had the same vision.
There was no lying about the fact that his PTSD would probably haunt him for a long time to come, or that things would get hard when he was in one of the bad phases, but as much as Tessa had fought for him, he was ready now to fight for them. It was a given she’d have days when she’d be seconds from walking out to him and he swore to himself those would be the moments he’d fight. For them. For her. For their family.
Humming and suddenly wide-awake, he couldn’t wait for the rest of his life to come.
Tessa’s night was worse than it had been in a while, even with Jesse’s nightmares and her nightly visits she hadn’t been so tired.
“Why is he still crying?” Hilary asked, joining her in the bedroom.
“He’s teething,” Tessa replied, shifting her son from left to right, humming and whatnot, yet nothing helped.
“Have you been carrying him around for the last three hours?” Hils’ eyes were wide and Tessa shrugged.
“What else am I supposed to do?” she wondered. “As soon as I put him down it gets worse and I have the feeling he’s dying,” she gave back, wishing for someone, anyone who had a baby because those people might be able to give her any hints on what best to do.
“Have you called Ela?” Hilary asked and Tessa realized that she’d spoken out aloud. Again. Her tired mind just couldn’t keep the thoughts to herself.
“No, I haven’t even thought about her. But that’s a plan.”
Reaching for her cell on the nightstand, she wondered if John would be rather quiet for the duration of the call. Spinning in a circle, which made her son giggle, she searched for his pacifier and finally spotted it, glad when he started to softly babble. Hils had sat down on the bed, yawning before stretching out.
She waited until the call went through, knowing fully well that she might not be successful to reach Jazz’s mom, when a male voice answered.
“Tessa.” It was just one word, but her heart went into overdrive.
“Hi, I’m… I need your mom,” she stated, not exactly sure if she wanted to talk to him or not. She was tired and vulnerable and though he’d send her flowers and had promised her forever, she wasn’t sure she believed that. “And thank you for the flowers.”
She heard a clutter and knew that John had spit out his pacifier, starting the screaming right back up.
“What’s up with him?” Jazz asked, panic in his voice.
“He’s teething, and I cannot calm him down no matter what. I’ve been carrying him around and it’s not working,” she replied, hating how whiny she sounded.
“Take him for a ride. When Kris wasn’t ready to sleep mom and dad always did that,” he gave back and she gritted her teeth.
“I’m so tired, I don’t trust myself,” she admitted.
“Give me twenty, and I’ll be there. Even if the ride doesn’t help, I can walk up and down with him so you can catch some sleep,” he assured her and before she could protest, he’d hung up.
“Not Ela,” Hilary concluded before she’d even said something.
“No, Jazz. He’s coming over because he’ll drive then.”
“You think that’s okay? I mean, that he’ll be fine with the driving?”
Tessa didn’t know, but when listening into herself she realized she trusted his judgment. “He knows best if he can or cannot do it, and when I’m with him, I can keep them in check, I think,” she mused, deciding to get her son ready. He shifted and fussed when she changed him into something more suitable for a drive, then she slipped into jeans and a light sweater, knowing Jazz’s truck would be heated.
It didn’t even take him twenty minutes and the doorbell rang. Hilary was down the stairs before Tessa had slipped on her sneakers.She picked up her son, keeping him in her arms to avoid Jazz hugging her. She gave him a soft smile and he still surprised her by leaning in to kiss her forehead, then took the boy from her.
He exchanged a glance with Hilary and Tessa saw her friend glare at him, but then give Tessa a smile. “I’m going back to bed, but I have my cell on. Call me whenever, okay?” she urged.
“She won’t have to. Sleep, Hils. Thank you for everything, but I’ll take care of John and Tessa now. Won’t ever forget though that you stepped in when I failed,” Jazz told her, leaning in to kiss her cheek even though she was clearly pissed at him. It made Tessa smile, especially when her friend smiled briefly before catching herself.
“Sweet dreams,” Tessa stated, kissing Hilary’s other cheek, following Jazz outside.She unlocked her car to take out the seat.
“I’d install it, I just don’t know how,” he whispered, “but I promise soon I will.”
She didn’t react, just putting it into the truck and being glad Jazz owned such a big car.
“Looks a little weird,” he stated, watching the seat in the back of his truck.
“Actually yes,” she giggled and then gave him a small smile. God,
he was beautiful in the lamplight, soft shadows playing over his face. He should look mysterious, but she had to say there was a new peace on his face she couldn’t remember seeing there after his return, even if half his face was still hidden by a heard.
“I need a new car so there is more room for the family things,” he decided and then strapped the child in, holding the door open for her afterward. She slipped into the passenger seat, inhaling deeply. It still smelled of oil, dirt, and Jazz, no matter how long the truck hadn’t been used, it made her instantly recall the nights he’d taken her away in it.
He started the car, the wailing in the back too loud to actually make conversation.
“You’re okay to drive?” she asked anyway, hoping he’d heard her, but when he turned to her and gave her wink, she knew he’d understood.
“As soon as I feel something coming on, I’ll park the car. I swear. I’m not going to allow anything to happen to you and him.” He squeezed her hand, but let go before she had a chance to pull away.
“Ready?”
She nodded, almost speechless, and wasn’t so mad her son didn’t instantly calm down.
There was something peaceful about driving through the darkened streets of a town you knew like the back of your hand. During the day Monterey was bustling, but at night it had a calmer quality.
Or maybe it simply was the fact that Jazz left the inner part and drove to the outskirts at a gentle pace, making her wonder if he tried to drag out the trip.
Johnny calmed, his wailing going down to soft whining and Tessa took a deep breath. “Don’t give the truck away,” she whispered, not even sure if he could hear it, but speaking louder, saying what she wanted to say, would sound as if she’d tried to hold onto something she wasn’t any longer sure she could have.
“It’s not suited for a family, Tessa. One child might be okay in this truck and during the summer we can put the buggy in the back, but during the winter, if it rains? No. I need another car, even if you never take me back because I fucked up, I need a family car.”